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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 15:25

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 14:05

Just popped back and @jemimapuddlepluck you have 3 kids, a very full on highly pressured job and on your day off… you’ve dedicated a dozen very long posts, every hour on the hour, to this thread.

I don’t know whether to applaud or pity! That is commitment to a thread!!

I will take your pity today, I am tired. So very tired. Only have 2 kids. You do know that women can have and do it all? Well, as long as they have a DH that pulls his weight alongside them 😜 which mine does.

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 15:26

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 15:25

I will take your pity today, I am tired. So very tired. Only have 2 kids. You do know that women can have and do it all? Well, as long as they have a DH that pulls his weight alongside them 😜 which mine does.

Show quote history

Yes, I definitely think pity was where I was going!

HubertTheGoat · 07/04/2023 19:06

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:29

Again it's a MN only phenomena that someone goes out to work 3 ten hour days but people fall over themselves to say BuT iTs OnLy PaRt TiMe

That's really not an MN phenomenon. I don't know anyone who works 30 hours and calls it full time. All the teachers, doctors, accountants etc that I know working similar days call that part time if they're not working 5 days. I work in a pretty old-fashioned market town in the north, not in a hotbed of ambitious go getters either. I was just defending the OP who is working at least two thirds of the hours her husband is.

katepilar · 07/04/2023 19:18

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 14:45

I disagree, but I wish you the best

Show quote history

I agree with Naunet. Having had longterm depression too.

katepilar · 07/04/2023 19:20

I am also in the 30-hours-a-week-is-not-full-time camp.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 19:25

I also had depression and agree with Naunet. (I made the same point upthread).

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 07/04/2023 21:44

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 21:42

You need to start working full time.

And also doing absolutely everything else because your DH would like to spend his days mooching about the house and doing hobbies. You can't possibly stress him out with any expectations of essential day to day tasks, because that will make his MH worse. Good luck @chocolatedaisy I think you are going to need it !

Exactly this. Men should never work part time, and should NEVER work less hours than their wife, because as has been said, most men do absolutely FUCK-ALL in the house. No - or very little childcare, no housework, shopping, or cooking, and no household admin.

If a woman worked as many - or MORE hours than the man, she would be run fucking ragged, because the man would be piss-arseing around the house, doing fuck-all, following her about, mithering, AND/OR doing his 'man hobbies' and going out with his mates. While she does EVERYTHING.

Most men are bone idle, and think going out to work - even part time - is all they should be contributing. No way should the man ever work less hours than the woman. He should be at work at LEAST 30-35 hours a week. A man's place is at WORK. There are very few things more irritating than a man hanging around the house all day!

I could never be with a man who wouldn't work. (Or one who said he only wants to work 20 hours a week or something.) Because I know I would still be doing almost everything while he mooched around, watched loads of TV, and had loads of naps, played video games, and scrolled through his phone.

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/04/2023 21:56

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell

Well said!

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 22:36

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 07/04/2023 21:44

Exactly this. Men should never work part time, and should NEVER work less hours than their wife, because as has been said, most men do absolutely FUCK-ALL in the house. No - or very little childcare, no housework, shopping, or cooking, and no household admin.

If a woman worked as many - or MORE hours than the man, she would be run fucking ragged, because the man would be piss-arseing around the house, doing fuck-all, following her about, mithering, AND/OR doing his 'man hobbies' and going out with his mates. While she does EVERYTHING.

Most men are bone idle, and think going out to work - even part time - is all they should be contributing. No way should the man ever work less hours than the woman. He should be at work at LEAST 30-35 hours a week. A man's place is at WORK. There are very few things more irritating than a man hanging around the house all day!

I could never be with a man who wouldn't work. (Or one who said he only wants to work 20 hours a week or something.) Because I know I would still be doing almost everything while he mooched around, watched loads of TV, and had loads of naps, played video games, and scrolled through his phone.

Show quote history

Jesus fucking Christ, I don’t know where to start with this shit…

Japaneseflower · 08/04/2023 06:20

This!!

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