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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
JamonEverybody · 06/04/2023 22:20

35 hours over 3 days is a lot.

An avg working day is 7.5hrs.

How many hours a day do you work?

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:31

@JamonEverybody DH usually works 10 hours a day, occasionally during busy periods one or two hours more. However I would say that he usually works 30 hours a week. Within that he usually has a two hour lunchbreak, so in reality it's actually more like 24 hours a week. I work 16 hours a week over two days.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/04/2023 22:36

God help you OP, it sounds very hard.

He certainly has made his depression work for him over the years.

Unable to do anything except work.

Childcare or sharing the load at home totally beyond him, except his hobbies🙄.

Used you as an emotional punching bag for years too.🙄.

No wonder you are feeling burnt out.

He's had it so comfortable for so long, doing the absolute minimum he can do, I doubt things will change.

Many people have stressful work lives, but don't get to opt out of everything else.

I doubt he'll change OP.

Do you really want to continue being his carer into your dotage is the question I suppose.

mosiacmaker · 06/04/2023 22:38

Agree that yet again few appear to have read the OPs posts! OP is clearly doing much more work than her husband, with 1 less day working but all the other days working in the home.

Throwncrumbs · 06/04/2023 22:43

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 06/04/2023 20:25

People always come up with this... 🙄

Unlike MEN, when women are not at work, they do NOT spend their time pissing about doing fuck-all. Most of them do almost everything, from housework, childcare, school runs, shopping, washing, looking after older or infirm family members, and household admin, and everything, as well as working an actual job too sometimes.

When men ARE at home 'leisurely pottering about,' this is all they do! They do fuck-all in the house and home, and sit on their arse watching TV, scrolling through the phone, and snoozing. My DH was off for six months during covid, and he didn't lift a fucking FINGER to help. Just sat on his arse watching TV and sleeping in til 11am.

5 or 6 weeks in - when I realised he was going to be off for many months, I said to him 'you need to pull your weight around the house if you're not working. I'm not having you sat there like a lazy lump doing fuck-all while I do everything.' I was still working too. (From home 3 days a week.) He was actually gobsmacked and offended that I called him out. He said 'you only have to ask if you want me to help you...' Angry Fucking arsehole. I shouldn't need to ask! And even after me calling him out, he still did hardly anything.

And he isn't HELPING me. The housework is not my JOB. He got on my fucking tits just hanging around like a fart all day, constantly chatting and getting under my feet. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work! What will I do when he retires? No idea. I am dreading it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But yes, a man's place is at WORK, in the workplace. Not piss-arseing and lounging about in the home, just watching TV, playing video games, scrolling about on their phones, and traipsing around following you about chatting shit all day. And even if they DO go out, they are just playing their blokey 'man' sports like cycling, golf, and fucking footie.

@chocolatedaisy Your husband sounds like a useless feckless whingebag. I would be leaving if I were you. It's too late for me now. I should have left YEARS ago but was too weak and scared. I stayed 'for the children' and waited for them to finish school and then college and then uni, and then waited for them to leave home. Now it's too late.

And like HELL should you 'up' your hours. Stick HIS lazy ass out to work more hours. He sounds insufferable. Funny how men 'can't cope' with daily life and just find it so easy to check out of family life. Good job most WOMEN don't do the same. Hmm Women CAN'T. Noooooo. WE have to look after out family!

Show quote history

Amen!

Thistlelass · 06/04/2023 23:28

Darhon · 06/04/2023 19:39

He’s too young and your kids are too young for him to retire, I’m afraid. So you need to work more and he needs to find another job and still
work.

I'm afraid that is just not accurate. The poster has not mentioned her husband's sick pay/pension rights but it could be the case he is deemed unfit for any sort of work long term. This happened to me at 55 and I was given access to the highest rate of pension at that time. So my recommendation would be around an Occupational Health referral. Also since it sounds as if the mental health issues have been long term, possibly assessment by a Community Mental Health Team may prove helpful.

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 23:49

Does 'he works in private healthcare' mean he is indeed a doctor? I think people might have a bit more sympathy for his burnout if so. I also really think that you're trying to underplay his working hours as much as possible to make them look much more similar to yours (have you knocked off your own lunch hours when totting up your hours, or just his?). I have would really like to hear the other side of this particular story.

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 02:22

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 23:49

Does 'he works in private healthcare' mean he is indeed a doctor? I think people might have a bit more sympathy for his burnout if so. I also really think that you're trying to underplay his working hours as much as possible to make them look much more similar to yours (have you knocked off your own lunch hours when totting up your hours, or just his?). I have would really like to hear the other side of this particular story.

Agree, wondering if some sort of cardiac surgeon, hence long '2hr lunch break' so would be in-between surgeries?
But very much agree is a carefully worded side of things, but aren't they always I suppose!

Zanatdy · 07/04/2023 02:26

It can be easy living with someone like that. You’ve made it easy for him at home by doing everything. If he is only working part time then he should be contributing more at home yes. I‘d be letting him know that if he stops working you’ll have to increase your hours which means he will have to take on the household / childcare. Many people have depression / mental health issues without the luxury of not having to worry about running a household. Nice you’ve tried to protect him from this but time for things to change

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 07/04/2023 02:40

How is he a great dad if he has never done a single thing ever related to the kids? You make it seem that he has never lifted a finger at home or done anything with the kids as you have done 100% so how is he a great dad. If he has never helped with homework, never driven them to an activity, never done anything for them?

Would he agree he has never done anything child or home related?

HoppingPavlova · 07/04/2023 04:09

Why can’t DH take on less stressful work and go full time? OP can also go full time. Get extra $ behind you and go on vacations or make retirement more comfortable?

What is described as running the household is taken on by the majority of people who also work full time. The concept of downtime and lolling about just doesn’t exist for most people as there are not enough hours in the day, that’s just reality.

Rollerpiggy · 07/04/2023 04:28

I would be honest that if he leaves work he has to do more of the housework and chores. Right now he thinks he will be off all week and doing only stuff he likes- this is an unreasonable expectation. In terms pension, he really needs to think about this as he is wanting to retire very young and you both may have very little come
to retirement. 30 plus years of pottering sounds like a long haul to me if you are struggling for money.

Thehonestbadger · 07/04/2023 04:58

MadMadMadamMim · 06/04/2023 19:25

I think you'll need to up your hours.

I'd frankly love to do 2 days a week in a low paid job - but I'm the breadwinner doing 60 hour weeks and facing burn out.

You've had 17 years by the sound of it of p/t pottering. Maybe it's your turn to take up more of the financial strain?

WTF???

Doing all the home/house work and everything for the kids AND looking after kids not to mention one with additional needs is absolutely not ‘you’ve had 17 years of part time pottering’ please stop acting like the OP has been on one long holiday.

I find it highly ironic that DH didn’t feel the need to be at home when the children were younger and needier, when more would have been required of him. No, he managed to ‘push on’ at work back then but now the children are older and more self sufficient he can’t possibly continue working and needs some time at home 😬

BlueHeelers · 07/04/2023 05:15

Of course, the big unknown in everyone’s suggestions is that @chocolatedaisy ‘s DH has never pulled his weight at home. He’s had 4 days a week to potter. He’s never done any housework.

Is there any evidence he would step up to running the household if @chocolatedaisy started to work full time? It’s a risky move for her.

I see the OP’s dilemma. She is neurodivergent herself so full time work might be difficult. And her DH has never contributed fully either by salary or an equitable load at home.

Will he really step up? I doubt it.

Lifeisnotfair4 · 07/04/2023 05:15

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:31

@JamonEverybody DH usually works 10 hours a day, occasionally during busy periods one or two hours more. However I would say that he usually works 30 hours a week. Within that he usually has a two hour lunchbreak, so in reality it's actually more like 24 hours a week. I work 16 hours a week over two days.

Is he a surgeon or ODP? I had to leave healthcare (NHS) after my children were born due to depression. I returned during the pandemic to ‘do my bit’ but had to leave again and did not renew my NMC registration. I have retrained and am self employed now however, I will be looking to retrain again when I semi retire at 50 years old. I could retire fully at 50 if I lived very frugally until I get my NHS pension at 55 years but I want to do something. Your DH sounds like he is burnt out and healthcare private or NHS is not the sort of job you can just get on with if you are burnt out and have depression. 50 is an odd age for many of us. Not helping around the house is not acceptable and once he has had time to get better he could look into retraining and getting a less stressful job. I think you have to accept that initially you will have to budget more but once he gets back into some kind of work he may flourish again. It sounds to me like he has been struggling with his job for a long time maybe he is just at breaking point now.

BlueHeelers · 07/04/2023 05:18

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:10

@qpmz I don't know. I tried for years to get him to help but he wouldn't. I couldn't handle the arguments any more and I knew he had depression so it was easier for me to do it all.

You know you can be depressed and still be a selfish bastard.

ANNEBONNYBONES · 07/04/2023 05:22

Yes, depression and anxiety are REAL illnesses (as a few posters keep insisting)… but since when does having an illness mean you get to permanently opt out of work, looking after your family or running a household? Sure, physical illness necessitates time off work sometimes but surely the aim is to get better or find ways to manage your condition - and people struggle on with all sorts of chronic conditions while holding down a job. I suffer from chronic migraine… and while I’m occasionally floored by one and literally unable to get out of bed I also work through many days with a grinding background headache, looking after my family and generally carrying on.
Of course mental health issues are not to be dismissed but it sounds like the OP’s husband has decided, at 50, that his working days are completely over … while doing very little else to contribute to running the ship. Surely he should be looking at managing his symptoms - perhaps by finding a less stressful job.

Phoebo · 07/04/2023 05:24

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 23:49

Does 'he works in private healthcare' mean he is indeed a doctor? I think people might have a bit more sympathy for his burnout if so. I also really think that you're trying to underplay his working hours as much as possible to make them look much more similar to yours (have you knocked off your own lunch hours when totting up your hours, or just his?). I have would really like to hear the other side of this particular story.

I'm mostly on your side OP, but I must admit that his job does make a difference. 3 days a week being a surgeon is quite different to your average office job so that changes things. Also that also then explains more re his stress and burn out.

palelavender · 07/04/2023 06:12

Maybe I am old fashioned but he sounds selfish, whiney and lazy. He has never cooked, cleaned, done laundry or looked after the children, and has always worked four days a week. He has refused to have sny treatment for his stress and, at times, been deeply unpmeasant.

He now, despite having a family, proposes to spend the next thirty years of his life devoted to his hobbies while his wife works fulltime and continues to do all the housework and cooking. This is the same wife who has never had any financial security in previous years.

CamoFlamingo · 07/04/2023 06:12

Bluebells1970 · 06/04/2023 20:12

Honestly he sounds like an energy sponge. Mental health issues don't mean a free pass to checking out of family life.

You're his wife, not his enabler.

Yep. I'm baffled by some of the previous comments.

Pancakeorcrepe · 07/04/2023 06:16

You do have a lavish lifestyle, to work two days a week and have a partner that works three days a week is a real luxury.
He needs to change therapists or types of therapy if this one is not improving the situation. You need to up yours hours significantly. He needs to do much more around the house.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:38

Working three days as a healthcare professional ten hour days is not the same as doing a little part time shelf stacking job as everyone has seemed to assume though. Shifts are draining and busy and the way people have automatically assumed he's bone idle while the OP enjoys a two hour working week at his expense really is peak Mumsnet

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:41

Apologies if I have not been clear, but my hours are 16 hours a week (I have taken off the lunchbreaks). I am not trying to underplay my husband's work or working hours at all. He works three days in a high pressure job, which I mentioned in my OP. I have always appreciated that, and as I have mentioned, have tried to support him with that. I have only broken down the hours as people were asking.

I think the point is more his depression. When I met him initially, he was very depressed, suicidal at times and struggling with work (I know some posters will say "why did you stay with him" - long story short, I think I was a "rescuer" due to my childhood). Throughout our relationship he has wanted to work as little as possible to maintain a relatively frugal lifestyle.

Regarding his contribution at home - he cooks dinner once a week. He does nothing else in the house or garden or organising family life.(Disclaimer - I know many people work full time and do everything else re running a family on their own, I am just explaining our situation).

When I say he is a good dad, I mean I know he loves the children with all his heart. He enjoys watching films together or lying on the sofa with the family around him. If one of the children has a problem he will try to help. But it's difficult to explain (unless you have lived with someone like this) the general level of self absorption, disengagement and lack of energy. He has a room in the house that is his "cave" and on his days off he spends 90% of the time in there, not engaging with the family, but lying on the sofa or doing his hobbies.

I don't want to give more details about his job, sorry - i would say it is a high pressure job but not quite as stressful as a surgeon.

My frustration is that he has been depressed/ stressed for many years and rightly or wrongly that has affected me. And the fact that he wants to not work any longer at the age of 50 and just potter and do hobbies, also affects me.

I just feel that our relationship will be imbalanced if I am working full time and doing everything else and he isn't doing anything. I understand that he is burnt out and has depression, but I'm just saying the situation isn't easy for either of us (in my opinion). Maybe some people think I am unreasonable or selfish to feel like this - that's fine, I am not looking for sympathy, I am simply saying that I am finding the situation hard.

Thanks to those who have made helpful suggestions - I will look into an OH referral for him.

OP posts:
newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:44

I just can't quite believe the drip feed.
If anyone has worked in the hospital environment, three days of compressed hours is HARD tiring work. Then you have people thinking you aren't pulling your weight because you NEED to rest on your days off as you've actually packed your full time work into a few days.
The fact the OP has tried to make it sound her husband just does a little leisurely job to get everyone else on side doesn't surprise me. Yet still there are people on here determined to paint him as lazy and abusive because the op has to shock horror look after the kids and do housework as well as WORKING TWO DAYS 😲😲😲😲

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:46

chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:41

Apologies if I have not been clear, but my hours are 16 hours a week (I have taken off the lunchbreaks). I am not trying to underplay my husband's work or working hours at all. He works three days in a high pressure job, which I mentioned in my OP. I have always appreciated that, and as I have mentioned, have tried to support him with that. I have only broken down the hours as people were asking.

I think the point is more his depression. When I met him initially, he was very depressed, suicidal at times and struggling with work (I know some posters will say "why did you stay with him" - long story short, I think I was a "rescuer" due to my childhood). Throughout our relationship he has wanted to work as little as possible to maintain a relatively frugal lifestyle.

Regarding his contribution at home - he cooks dinner once a week. He does nothing else in the house or garden or organising family life.(Disclaimer - I know many people work full time and do everything else re running a family on their own, I am just explaining our situation).

When I say he is a good dad, I mean I know he loves the children with all his heart. He enjoys watching films together or lying on the sofa with the family around him. If one of the children has a problem he will try to help. But it's difficult to explain (unless you have lived with someone like this) the general level of self absorption, disengagement and lack of energy. He has a room in the house that is his "cave" and on his days off he spends 90% of the time in there, not engaging with the family, but lying on the sofa or doing his hobbies.

I don't want to give more details about his job, sorry - i would say it is a high pressure job but not quite as stressful as a surgeon.

My frustration is that he has been depressed/ stressed for many years and rightly or wrongly that has affected me. And the fact that he wants to not work any longer at the age of 50 and just potter and do hobbies, also affects me.

I just feel that our relationship will be imbalanced if I am working full time and doing everything else and he isn't doing anything. I understand that he is burnt out and has depression, but I'm just saying the situation isn't easy for either of us (in my opinion). Maybe some people think I am unreasonable or selfish to feel like this - that's fine, I am not looking for sympathy, I am simply saying that I am finding the situation hard.

Thanks to those who have made helpful suggestions - I will look into an OH referral for him.

But he has been working full time which has enabled you to live this lifestyle. Just because it's over three days doesn't mean he's been bringing in part time wages...
Yes he could absolutely do more around the house but if he's struggling after doing this all these years you should surely want to take the burden off? You do realise working two days is a massive privilege?

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