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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Morningcoffeeview · 06/04/2023 20:38

Mammyloveswine · 06/04/2023 20:32

Am I the only one thinking how the fuck do you afford to live?! We both work full time and have fuck all spare at the end of the month after wraparound childcare/bills/food!

I have been wondering this. And what on earth can you do that allows PT, three days and is still stressful. I have had a three day contract for the last few years, done all the night wakings, life admin, house stuff, cooking and I thought it was great. I’m totally out of sync doing 4 days! 3 days and the rest of your life to doss about and be looked after sounds like a dream.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:39

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 06/04/2023 20:25

People always come up with this... 🙄

Unlike MEN, when women are not at work, they do NOT spend their time pissing about doing fuck-all. Most of them do almost everything, from housework, childcare, school runs, shopping, washing, looking after older or infirm family members, and household admin, and everything, as well as working an actual job too sometimes.

When men ARE at home 'leisurely pottering about,' this is all they do! They do fuck-all in the house and home, and sit on their arse watching TV, scrolling through the phone, and snoozing. My DH was off for six months during covid, and he didn't lift a fucking FINGER to help. Just sat on his arse watching TV and sleeping in til 11am.

5 or 6 weeks in - when I realised he was going to be off for many months, I said to him 'you need to pull your weight around the house if you're not working. I'm not having you sat there like a lazy lump doing fuck-all while I do everything.' I was still working too. (From home 3 days a week.) He was actually gobsmacked and offended that I called him out. He said 'you only have to ask if you want me to help you...' Angry Fucking arsehole. I shouldn't need to ask! And even after me calling him out, he still did hardly anything.

And he isn't HELPING me. The housework is not my JOB. He got on my fucking tits just hanging around like a fart all day, constantly chatting and getting under my feet. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work! What will I do when he retires? No idea. I am dreading it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But yes, a man's place is at WORK, in the workplace. Not piss-arseing and lounging about in the home, just watching TV, playing video games, scrolling about on their phones, and traipsing around following you about chatting shit all day. And even if they DO go out, they are just playing their blokey 'man' sports like cycling, golf, and fucking footie.

@chocolatedaisy Your husband sounds like a useless feckless whingebag. I would be leaving if I were you. It's too late for me now. I should have left YEARS ago but was too weak and scared. I stayed 'for the children' and waited for them to finish school and then college and then uni, and then waited for them to leave home. Now it's too late.

And like HELL should you 'up' your hours. Stick HIS lazy ass out to work more hours. He sounds insufferable. Funny how men 'can't cope' with daily life and just find it so easy to check out of family life. Good job most WOMEN don't do the same. Hmm Women CAN'T. Noooooo. WE have to look after out family!

Show quote history

A man’s place is at work. Jesus, is it the 50s?

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:40

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 20:36

I do, unfortunately I didn't have a wife to accommodate me so I had to get on with it.

Show quote history

Well I’m please you were able to. Some people with illness just can’t “get on with it”, be that illness mental or physical. Or do you think everyone can?

shutthewindownow · 06/04/2023 20:42

Being at home won't help him that's the last thing he needs if he is depressed he needs to get out and work even if it's a different low stress job but being off will make him worse

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:44

shutthewindownow · 06/04/2023 20:42

Being at home won't help him that's the last thing he needs if he is depressed he needs to get out and work even if it's a different low stress job but being off will make him worse

This is quite concerning that people think like this around mental illness…

Clymene · 06/04/2023 20:45

@SueVineer - where did you decide it was years?

When the children were young, he was not able to cope with night wakings, and the intensity of childcare, or housework, so we agreed it was easier if I did that and he went to work part time. Then I went back to work part time, and still did everything else.

saraclara · 06/04/2023 20:48

drpet49 · 06/04/2023 19:59

I agree. It’s wholly unfair and not good for a relationship.

Show quote history

He wasn't working all the hours God seems. He was working three days a week, and has been for their entire marriage.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 06/04/2023 20:49

So he has the energy for hobbies and pottering but not helping out in the home. With regards to the insurance, he need to be certain that this will pay out and you both need a plan if it does not.

anythinginapinch · 06/04/2023 20:52

Sorry you're in this situation OP. Adhd and work and doing all the life and family-admin is a shit ton of stress for you too

HamBone · 06/04/2023 20:52

I agree that you need to increase your hours and income. But that doesn’t mean it’s realistic for your DH to stop working altogether at 50 with preteens and teenagers. He won’t be providing childcare in the way you did with very young children.

Could he move into a less stressful (and presumably lower paid) role and you increase your hours?

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 20:55

@FloydPepper I didn't have any option other to carry on, I had three children and a DH who did nothing, even if asked, if you don't have the option of not carrying on to a certain degree, then you just have to get through it the best you can.
I certainly never had the option of lying around on the sofa or bed, even if that would have been beneficial to my MH, weirdly it probably saved my life because I couldn't figure out a way to kill myself and the youngest child without leaving the other two up shit creek without a paddle with their Dad

Turnipworkharder · 06/04/2023 20:55

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell Are you really sure you're too old to start again. think of the freedom .

@chocolatedaisy
You've made it too easy for him by doing everything. It's amazing how women manage to work,chilcare,laundry, housework,dentist,
doctors ect whilst suffering from depression and anxiety .

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 20:56

Does he work 3 normal length days a week, or three long ones? From your OP I'm wondering if he does 3 12 hour shifts in healthcare (presumably as a doctor, given you say he's well paid).

Bernadinetta · 06/04/2023 20:57

Clymene · 06/04/2023 20:45

@SueVineer - where did you decide it was years?

When the children were young, he was not able to cope with night wakings, and the intensity of childcare, or housework, so we agreed it was easier if I did that and he went to work part time. Then I went back to work part time, and still did everything else.

It says in the OP

”I was a SAHM for a few years”

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 20:59

Blah blah he doesn't do this and this but he's good enough to be the main wage earner for years . And when he says sorry not doing that anymore he's automatically wrong??

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:00

Why aren't you both working full time with kids in school anyway? What is there to do in the day whilst they are all out the house?

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:02

Yes, a few years @Bernadinetta, when her children were tiny. Not years.

What is fair is how much free time parents have. And given the OP's husband didn't do night wakings or childcare and now his children are older does fuck all around the house or any parenting whatsoever, it seems pretty clear he's got a bloody cushy number.

He's a part time cock lodger.

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:03

She's got a cushy number compared to many women too- financially able to work two days a week?

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:04

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 20:55

@FloydPepper I didn't have any option other to carry on, I had three children and a DH who did nothing, even if asked, if you don't have the option of not carrying on to a certain degree, then you just have to get through it the best you can.
I certainly never had the option of lying around on the sofa or bed, even if that would have been beneficial to my MH, weirdly it probably saved my life because I couldn't figure out a way to kill myself and the youngest child without leaving the other two up shit creek without a paddle with their Dad

And I apologise for my snappiness. I hope you’re doing well now

Bernadinetta · 06/04/2023 21:05

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:02

Yes, a few years @Bernadinetta, when her children were tiny. Not years.

What is fair is how much free time parents have. And given the OP's husband didn't do night wakings or childcare and now his children are older does fuck all around the house or any parenting whatsoever, it seems pretty clear he's got a bloody cushy number.

He's a part time cock lodger.

A few years, not years? I don’t get it? Is a few years not years?
I was just answering your question as to where a PP had got the impression she was a SAHM for years. Because it says in the OP that she was a SAHM for years.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:06

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:02

Yes, a few years @Bernadinetta, when her children were tiny. Not years.

What is fair is how much free time parents have. And given the OP's husband didn't do night wakings or childcare and now his children are older does fuck all around the house or any parenting whatsoever, it seems pretty clear he's got a bloody cushy number.

He's a part time cock lodger.

“A few years, not years”

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:06

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 06/04/2023 20:25

People always come up with this... 🙄

Unlike MEN, when women are not at work, they do NOT spend their time pissing about doing fuck-all. Most of them do almost everything, from housework, childcare, school runs, shopping, washing, looking after older or infirm family members, and household admin, and everything, as well as working an actual job too sometimes.

When men ARE at home 'leisurely pottering about,' this is all they do! They do fuck-all in the house and home, and sit on their arse watching TV, scrolling through the phone, and snoozing. My DH was off for six months during covid, and he didn't lift a fucking FINGER to help. Just sat on his arse watching TV and sleeping in til 11am.

5 or 6 weeks in - when I realised he was going to be off for many months, I said to him 'you need to pull your weight around the house if you're not working. I'm not having you sat there like a lazy lump doing fuck-all while I do everything.' I was still working too. (From home 3 days a week.) He was actually gobsmacked and offended that I called him out. He said 'you only have to ask if you want me to help you...' Angry Fucking arsehole. I shouldn't need to ask! And even after me calling him out, he still did hardly anything.

And he isn't HELPING me. The housework is not my JOB. He got on my fucking tits just hanging around like a fart all day, constantly chatting and getting under my feet. I couldn't wait for him to go back to work! What will I do when he retires? No idea. I am dreading it. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But yes, a man's place is at WORK, in the workplace. Not piss-arseing and lounging about in the home, just watching TV, playing video games, scrolling about on their phones, and traipsing around following you about chatting shit all day. And even if they DO go out, they are just playing their blokey 'man' sports like cycling, golf, and fucking footie.

@chocolatedaisy Your husband sounds like a useless feckless whingebag. I would be leaving if I were you. It's too late for me now. I should have left YEARS ago but was too weak and scared. I stayed 'for the children' and waited for them to finish school and then college and then uni, and then waited for them to leave home. Now it's too late.

And like HELL should you 'up' your hours. Stick HIS lazy ass out to work more hours. He sounds insufferable. Funny how men 'can't cope' with daily life and just find it so easy to check out of family life. Good job most WOMEN don't do the same. Hmm Women CAN'T. Noooooo. WE have to look after out family!

Show quote history

To be fair though, it seems he has been earning the vast majority of the money that the family needs for decades. Of course he should pull his weight in the house as well, but earning money is just as important.

before anyone has a go, I am a single mum who both earns the money and does the housework (although I have cleaner, etc).

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:06

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 20:59

Blah blah he doesn't do this and this but he's good enough to be the main wage earner for years . And when he says sorry not doing that anymore he's automatically wrong??

@newjobnewstartihope The real issue seems to be that he has unilaterally decided to stop working, without discussing how their family will mange going forward.

When the OP became a SAHM, presumably they discussed this and decided that it would work for their family.

Most partners would be reeling if the family’s main breadwinner announced they were quitting without prior discussion!

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:08

But the children are at school now anyway so that arrangement will be by the by
What I think is important to know as well is if he actually works part time or does compressed hours over three days as that makes a massive difference

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:08

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:06

@newjobnewstartihope The real issue seems to be that he has unilaterally decided to stop working, without discussing how their family will mange going forward.

When the OP became a SAHM, presumably they discussed this and decided that it would work for their family.

Most partners would be reeling if the family’s main breadwinner announced they were quitting without prior discussion!

Show quote history

Yes I’m sure the main breadwinner being too ill to work would be a real challenge. I’m sure in that case the spouse would stop being part time? Maybe even sympathise a bit with the ill partner?