Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/04/2023 21:26

I do feel for him if he has MH issues but if he is burned out only working 3 days a week would either (a) increasing his hours so he has more time to work or (b) finding a less stressful job not be better? I have to say though he comes across primarily as lazy and not just having MH issues. Whatever, sitting around on his arse at 50 doesn’t sound like the kind of thing I would be wanting to put up with either.

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:27

Mirabai · 06/04/2023 21:19

In fact, as someone who has suffered from depression myself - both productive work, as long as it’s not too stressful, and exercise are fundamental to good mental health.

Show quote history

Yes - this is medical advice too and I agree from a personal perspective. Working as a general rule benefit’s mental health as does exercise

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:27

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:22

Again-he hasn’t decided not to work rather he has serious mental health issues.

Show quote history

@SueVineer I thought he was saying that, tbh, he doesn’t want a less stressful job:

He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 21:27

Fairly sure therapy isn't about being able to give up on all grown up responsibilities and being allowed to regress to a teenager state for potentially the next 30 years, absolutely no responsibilties, no housework, no life admin, just a bit of lying around on the sofa and a few hobbies ?

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:27

For a single mum, you sure are team patriarchy @SueVineer

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:28

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:27

For a single mum, you sure are team patriarchy @SueVineer

I think she’s team “mental
illness is a real illness”…

GiltEdges · 06/04/2023 21:28

I work two days a week, and although I do have time to myself on my days off, I also do everything in the house and garden, driving kids around, arranging every social activity, birthdays, Christmas etc.

Just wanted to point out, many of us manage to do this whilst working 5 days or more Hmm

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/04/2023 21:29

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:14

I’m finding the whole attitude to depression and mental health really disappointing on this thread. I thought we were beyond that, and yes I think I agree with you.

why is it suddenly now ok to claim ill people should just carry on, or buck their ideas up, or that as they can do a hobby they must be faking it.

Show quote history

He can be depressed but also a lazy sod. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:32

@FloydPepper - it's funny how so many women suffer from debilitating mental health issues and don't just spend our days lying on the sofa. Our children depend on us so we get up, we get them to school, we make them their food, we wash their clothes, we clean the house

This guy is a fucking lazy waste of space and I'm only sorry the OP has wasted 17 years of her life enabling him

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:33

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:27

For a single mum, you sure are team patriarchy @SueVineer

Lol, quite the opposite really. I’m fair minded and don’t believe in double standards. I don’t believe “men should be at work” as per the sexist nonsense above. But as I said repeatedly both should be pulling their weight. And tbh I work longer hours than both of them and do the house and kids.

JamonEverybody · 06/04/2023 21:33

I work two days a week, and although I do have time to myself on my days off, I also do everything in the house and garden, driving kids around, arranging every social activity, birthdays, Christmas etc

But to be fair, many many women work full time and do all of that. Many women go back full term once their kids start school.

DH and I both work 50+ hours a week.

You've been extremely fortunate to only work 2 days a week, especially as your youngest is a teen.

You need to start working full time.

Quveas · 06/04/2023 21:34

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 19:21

I don't get how so many women feel they should do minimal hours and get to enjoy leisurely days whilst their partner struggles working all the hours god sends in a job they hate?

Ermm... he does 3 bloody days a week, and sweet FA around the house. She works two days and does everything around the house. I'm not sure how you make out that he's having a hard life.

OP I'm sorry if his mental health is poor so he thinks it would be better to spend the next 16 or so years pottering around the house doing nothing much. I'm sure lots of people would love that too. And when his lottery ticket comes up then he can. But his plan is that you work and support him, do all the childcare, do ask the house and garden and he gets a nice life.

I'd be giving serious thought to divorce. This is no life, and it'll not be long before it's you who has depression.

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:38

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/04/2023 21:26

I do feel for him if he has MH issues but if he is burned out only working 3 days a week would either (a) increasing his hours so he has more time to work or (b) finding a less stressful job not be better? I have to say though he comes across primarily as lazy and not just having MH issues. Whatever, sitting around on his arse at 50 doesn’t sound like the kind of thing I would be wanting to put up with either.

Like I said earlier it depends how many hours he works in a day. My husband used to say 'well you only work three days a week' as an excuse to do fuck all round the house but I worked 3 13 hour days so more than pulled my weight

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:40

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:32

@FloydPepper - it's funny how so many women suffer from debilitating mental health issues and don't just spend our days lying on the sofa. Our children depend on us so we get up, we get them to school, we make them their food, we wash their clothes, we clean the house

This guy is a fucking lazy waste of space and I'm only sorry the OP has wasted 17 years of her life enabling him

My own mother didn't. She took to her bed and my dad did most of the caring, good job he didn't just listen to the attitudes on here or she may well have took her life

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:40

@FloydPepper @SueVineer I think I’m cynical, because my Dad did nothing after he was signed off with stress and left his job. He let my Mum take care of everything work and home-wise, even though she had a chronic physical health condition. She’d come home to a messy house and no dinner as he’s been in the garden all day. This was well after he’d recovered, he just didn’t want to do anything.

She eventually asked him to get a part-time job and she did still everything else. 🤷

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 21:42

You need to start working full time.

And also doing absolutely everything else because your DH would like to spend his days mooching about the house and doing hobbies. You can't possibly stress him out with any expectations of essential day to day tasks, because that will make his MH worse. Good luck @chocolatedaisy I think you are going to need it !

Phoebo · 06/04/2023 21:44

I don't blame you for being pissed off, it sounds very draining and rbh a high pressure job 3 days a week doesn't sound that hard (appreciated I don't have the details though). I'd work towards my independence and honestly in a year if you feel the same seriously consider leaving. I'd also let him have a year off but tell him that he'll need to get a low pressure job after that.

KTSl1964 · 06/04/2023 21:47

Might be entitled to tax credits - Google entitled to or turn2us.
Um Hes sounds very lazy. It’s a great excuse to opt out of life!!!
if he’s still depressed despite taking anti depressant he needs a different one.
He may need some excercise.
Do not let him leave without being clear he needs to muck in at home.
It’s no one’s f…ing business how you manage financially.
He would need to be off sick for that insurance to kick in I think?
Did he have a crap childhood?
Is he just lazy and are you compensating for him.
I would actually suggest couples counselling- to look at the dynamics between you. You maybe enabling him by the way you support him.
Hes tooooooo young to pack in work. he maybe depressed through inactivity. Leaving work may not be helpful.
Good luck

Phoebo · 06/04/2023 21:50

Also as you increase your hours start getting him to do the housework etc. Just reverse the roles. If he's not working then obviously he has to now do everything like you were. I would think you've had it pretty good only working two days yourself if your children are at school but given he had 4 days off and you sound like you do everything then I think that sounded fair.

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:04

Thanks for all the messages - food for thought and interesting to hear the different opinions!

Re DH not working and his mental health - I am very sympathetic to him and have been throughout our relationship. As I mentioned, he has had a lot of mental health struggles and I have supported him emotionally throughout, listening to him for hours on end, finding counsellors, doing everything at home so he doesn't have to. I guess it may come across as unempathic, but from a purely selfish point of view I also feel a bit burnt out from all his problems! He has his feelings and I have mine. Of course I understand that he is suffering and I will do everything I can to help him.

Part of the reason I have not increased my hours in the past was that DH has never done anything in the house apart from his hobbies. I felt that I had a work/life balance that was similar to his. Yes, his job was more stressful, but he had four days to totally relax. I know if I increase my hours I will still be doing everything at home, which will probably lead to me feeling resentful. I think I have been trying to avoid this. (I understand that many people, single parents or married/in a relationship have to work full time and run a house. I am just explaining my situation. I'm not saying my lifestyle is "right" or that I'm right to have the feelings I do. I just knew that even I worked full time, DH would not pull his weight in the house. Maybe I was trying to avoid arguments and feeling resentful by sticking to just working two days a week)

DH works around 30 - 35 hours over three days. He works in private healthcare. I work for the local council. We are very fortunate that we have both been able to work part time - I know that most people have to work full time. DH's mental health meant that he didn't want to work more and I have explained above why I haven't, added to which I have ADHD which I have struggled with. We don't have a lavish lifestyle (but again, I know we are luckier than many).

I think the point of me posting was really to express that I also feel a bit burnt out. Living with a depressed husband for many years is not easy. I know depression is real (i have had it myself) but i sometimes also wonder if my DH also has a character that just wants an easy life.

Thank you to those who have posted supportive messages - they are appreciated.

OP posts:
qpmz · 06/04/2023 22:06

'he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin'

Never mind anything else, how is this in any way acceptable?

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:07

@KTSl1964 re DH's childhood - his mum was quite narcissistic and his dad was very passive and also suffered from depression.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 22:09

35 hours across 3 days is a lot

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 22:10

@qpmz I don't know. I tried for years to get him to help but he wouldn't. I couldn't handle the arguments any more and I knew he had depression so it was easier for me to do it all.

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 06/04/2023 22:11

Being depressed doesn't excuse his lazy behaviour.

I have manic depression I still do the housework, the garden, deal with two high need disabled dc, drive, etc etc.

Your enabling his laziness sorry op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread