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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Rainbow1901 · 06/04/2023 21:09

For a couple who have both been working part time - I too am amazed that you have been to survive this long. Mental health is a big deal nowadays - it didn't used to be - we just had to suck it up and cope as best we could. But he has given no thought to your mental health all this time -it is draining being someone else's continual support network and thankfully for you some of that has been taken up by outside resources.
You have enabled your husband to be a lazy fool - even if you work more hours to absorb the loss of his wages you will end up doing even more because you will have increased hours to deal with but still have to do everything at home because your husband has never lifted a finger in that direction. At the very least his hobbies must be shelved until you are happy with your home - which means he needs to get on with the DIY and not piddle about doing his hobbies which are of no benefit to anyone in the household except to make him 'happy'.
That along with a good kick up the backside to get up and start living his life as it should be lived and set a decent example to your children who must surely have their own thoughts about their father and his way of coping with life.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:10

Rainbow1901 · 06/04/2023 21:09

For a couple who have both been working part time - I too am amazed that you have been to survive this long. Mental health is a big deal nowadays - it didn't used to be - we just had to suck it up and cope as best we could. But he has given no thought to your mental health all this time -it is draining being someone else's continual support network and thankfully for you some of that has been taken up by outside resources.
You have enabled your husband to be a lazy fool - even if you work more hours to absorb the loss of his wages you will end up doing even more because you will have increased hours to deal with but still have to do everything at home because your husband has never lifted a finger in that direction. At the very least his hobbies must be shelved until you are happy with your home - which means he needs to get on with the DIY and not piddle about doing his hobbies which are of no benefit to anyone in the household except to make him 'happy'.
That along with a good kick up the backside to get up and start living his life as it should be lived and set a decent example to your children who must surely have their own thoughts about their father and his way of coping with life.

Have we not got beyond the “depressed people just need a kick up the arse”?

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:11

working is good for mental health
to feel useful

otoh, can you chill out together, watch tv together, go out together?

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:11

Clymene · 06/04/2023 20:45

@SueVineer - where did you decide it was years?

When the children were young, he was not able to cope with night wakings, and the intensity of childcare, or housework, so we agreed it was easier if I did that and he went to work part time. Then I went back to work part time, and still did everything else.

Op says in her first post she was a sahm for “a few years”. So not so much that I decided- I read ops post.

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:11

@FloydPepper you can guarantee if a man was posting this he'd get lambasted to fuck
'Where is your sympathy for your burnt out partner...'

Mirabai · 06/04/2023 21:11

Summerhillsquare · 06/04/2023 19:48

Quite convenient that he wasn't able to cope with children, or housework, or work, but hobbies are absolutely fine.

I know right.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:14

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:11

@FloydPepper you can guarantee if a man was posting this he'd get lambasted to fuck
'Where is your sympathy for your burnt out partner...'

I’m finding the whole attitude to depression and mental health really disappointing on this thread. I thought we were beyond that, and yes I think I agree with you.

why is it suddenly now ok to claim ill people should just carry on, or buck their ideas up, or that as they can do a hobby they must be faking it.

Dymaxion · 06/04/2023 21:14

@newjobnewstartihope From the OP, I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

It is quite common for women to have to work around their DH's job once they have children. If I had wanted to go full-time, I would have had to work weekends too as part of my shift pattern, DH wasn't willing to do childcare on his days off, weekend childcare was unheard of, so I ended up doing a couple of set shifts around his working away during the week. Silly really, because if we had worked as a team we would be in a far better financial position than we are now.

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:15

hopefully his therapy will persuade him against fully retiring at 50 op

Businessflake · 06/04/2023 21:15

When the children were young, he was not able to cope with night wakings, and the intensity of childcare, or housework, so we agreed it was easier if I did that and he went to work part time.

I don’t understand why you had so many children with someone who couldn’t co-
parent them.

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:15

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:08

Yes I’m sure the main breadwinner being too ill to work would be a real challenge. I’m sure in that case the spouse would stop being part time? Maybe even sympathise a bit with the ill partner?

Show quote history

@FloydPepper Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t have the impression that her DH is too ill not to work at all. He needs to use his sick leave to recover and switch to a less stressful role, but he’s not considering that. He wants to stay at home and potter.

Greenfairydust · 06/04/2023 21:15

A sensible solution is for you to work and extra day and for your husband to find a less stressful job.

He is not going to get any better if he can no longer cope with a high pressure job.

You both need to make lifestyle changes. I would also expect your partner to do his share of housework.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:16

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:15

hopefully his therapy will persuade him against fully retiring at 50 op

Don’t you mean you hope that after therapy he can recover from his illness enough to not have to stop working at 50?

imagine therapy was physio for a physical ailment…

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:17

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:15

@FloydPepper Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t have the impression that her DH is too ill not to work at all. He needs to use his sick leave to recover and switch to a less stressful role, but he’s not considering that. He wants to stay at home and potter.

Show quote history

I think you’re getting that impression from a partner resentful that an illness to her breadwinner might mean she has to work more…

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:17

Clymene · 06/04/2023 21:02

Yes, a few years @Bernadinetta, when her children were tiny. Not years.

What is fair is how much free time parents have. And given the OP's husband didn't do night wakings or childcare and now his children are older does fuck all around the house or any parenting whatsoever, it seems pretty clear he's got a bloody cushy number.

He's a part time cock lodger.

a few years is years! As I said ops dh has earned the guts of the family money up until now. That’s not to be sneezed at.

as someone else said though, you do have kids in school. No reason you can’t both be working. If his current job is too much, he can do something else less stressful.

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 21:17

Sorry but I need to find out what jobs you do! How do you support a family on 3 days a week?

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 21:18

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 21:17

Sorry but I need to find out what jobs you do! How do you support a family on 3 days a week?

Urghhhh same

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:18

no @FloydPepper
because the DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since op has known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing)

so no i dont expect his therapist will be able to cure him as a physiotherapist does.

Mirabai · 06/04/2023 21:19

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:14

I’m finding the whole attitude to depression and mental health really disappointing on this thread. I thought we were beyond that, and yes I think I agree with you.

why is it suddenly now ok to claim ill people should just carry on, or buck their ideas up, or that as they can do a hobby they must be faking it.

Show quote history

In fact, as someone who has suffered from depression myself - both productive work, as long as it’s not too stressful, and exercise are fundamental to good mental health.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:20

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:18

no @FloydPepper
because the DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since op has known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing)

so no i dont expect his therapist will be able to cure him as a physiotherapist does.

Physio isn’t always about curing, it can be about managing a long term chronic illness to enable the sufferer to work. Isn’t mental illness the same as physical in that regard?

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 21:21

look after yourself op @chocolatedaisy
your dh has therapy,
you need some support

Mirabai · 06/04/2023 21:22

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:17

a few years is years! As I said ops dh has earned the guts of the family money up until now. That’s not to be sneezed at.

as someone else said though, you do have kids in school. No reason you can’t both be working. If his current job is too much, he can do something else less stressful.

Show quote history

Yes and she’s run the guts of the family for that time.

It would be news to single parents that working FT and running the family and the home cannot be done together.

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:22

HamBone · 06/04/2023 21:06

@newjobnewstartihope The real issue seems to be that he has unilaterally decided to stop working, without discussing how their family will mange going forward.

When the OP became a SAHM, presumably they discussed this and decided that it would work for their family.

Most partners would be reeling if the family’s main breadwinner announced they were quitting without prior discussion!

Show quote history

Again-he hasn’t decided not to work rather he has serious mental health issues.

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:24

Mirabai · 06/04/2023 21:22

Yes and she’s run the guts of the family for that time.

It would be news to single parents that working FT and running the family and the home cannot be done together.

Show quote history

Absolutely-I’m a single mum who has always worked full time and done all the house stuff. I’m just saying both are important and he hasn’t been doing nothing.

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 21:25

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 21:22

Again-he hasn’t decided not to work rather he has serious mental health issues.

Show quote history

I’m starting to agree more with the poster who said his mental health is being dismissed because he’s a man. He needs to man up and get back to work.