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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Clymene · 07/04/2023 06:48

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:44

I just can't quite believe the drip feed.
If anyone has worked in the hospital environment, three days of compressed hours is HARD tiring work. Then you have people thinking you aren't pulling your weight because you NEED to rest on your days off as you've actually packed your full time work into a few days.
The fact the OP has tried to make it sound her husband just does a little leisurely job to get everyone else on side doesn't surprise me. Yet still there are people on here determined to paint him as lazy and abusive because the op has to shock horror look after the kids and do housework as well as WORKING TWO DAYS 😲😲😲😲

And yet miraculously, most people manage to do that and still do stuff around her house, participate in looking after their children etc.

Well all the doctors I know are women (and work in the NHS so much longer shifts) so obviously we're capable of superhuman feats no man could ever be expected to do. Hmm

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:49

@newjobnewstartihope "while the OP enjoys a two hour working week at his expense"

I'm really not sure what you mean by that. How is it at his expense? I am doing everything to look after our children, family life, home etc, which he then benefits from. I also bring in a salary. He has four days to totally relax.

I haven't mentioned that I did actually did do some contract work when the children were young. However, DH could not cope at home with the children - he did not feel able to share the night wakings or do childcare, housework or cooking. So we decided that it would be better if I initially was a SAHM, and then worked less hours than him, as by his own admission, he could not cope with everything at home.

OP posts:
newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:51

@Clymene maybe they have good mental health?
Been there done that and working those shifts in that environment with shit mental health the last thing you want to do is get up and start doing housework on your days off you need to just preserve your energy.
It's so easy to judge when you aren't there yourself

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:52

chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:49

@newjobnewstartihope "while the OP enjoys a two hour working week at his expense"

I'm really not sure what you mean by that. How is it at his expense? I am doing everything to look after our children, family life, home etc, which he then benefits from. I also bring in a salary. He has four days to totally relax.

I haven't mentioned that I did actually did do some contract work when the children were young. However, DH could not cope at home with the children - he did not feel able to share the night wakings or do childcare, housework or cooking. So we decided that it would be better if I initially was a SAHM, and then worked less hours than him, as by his own admission, he could not cope with everything at home.

Because if he works 35 hours over three days he will be bringing home a full time wage- you won't. You've deliberately downplayed his working hours to try and support your argument

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:53

But the kids are at school now @chocolatedaisy

Clymene · 07/04/2023 06:54

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:51

@Clymene maybe they have good mental health?
Been there done that and working those shifts in that environment with shit mental health the last thing you want to do is get up and start doing housework on your days off you need to just preserve your energy.
It's so easy to judge when you aren't there yourself

He has NEVER done any housework or childcare. Never.

Crumpetdisappointment · 07/04/2023 06:54

@chocolatedaisy is allowed to be unhappy with the set up - regardless of how many hours her dh works., has off.
you can look into leaving
you can't save him op

sandgrown · 07/04/2023 06:54

@SecretsIWouldNeverTell . It’s never too late . I started again at 64 though it was mainly at his instigation as I wasn’t looking after him properly 😂Just one child still at home . Financially it’s been hard but we are so much happier . I am lucky I had a decent job but I had partially retired so had to find a top up job but it is so worth it . I couldn’t face the thought of retiring with him .

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:54

@newjobnewstartihope "The fact the OP has tried to make it sound her husband just does a little leisurely job to get everyone else on side doesn't surprise me."

I genuinely didn't mean to do that, I am sorry if it came across like that

OP posts:
Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 06:56

I have every sympathy for someone with depression or mental health problems. I have a diagnosis of depression. But I find it difficult when people do nothing to help themselves and then the burden of their illness falls on other people. I have regular therapy and don’t feel “fixed” but it’s about management. I recognise when I’ve been bad I’ve not been very nice to be around and am not the best mother I can be, and I think it’s important I am. I think his lack of action and the fact he’s dragging you down is what is the issue here - he’s easing the burden of his illness by passing it to you.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 06:56

Crumpetdisappointment · 07/04/2023 06:54

@chocolatedaisy is allowed to be unhappy with the set up - regardless of how many hours her dh works., has off.
you can look into leaving
you can't save him op

And that's fine but will come without the financial comfort I'm sure she's enjoyed

Notbeingdismissive · 07/04/2023 06:56

You should be willing to work several days a week to split the load better. Your children are old enough.

Money is the priority - household cleaning etc less so.

Clymene · 07/04/2023 06:57

Anyway I think you should end the marriage. If you're the same age of him you've got years more of this shit to get through - him moping around the house, you picking his dirty pants off the floor.

Divorce him, split he assets, get a full time job. You'd be much happier. The resentment is going to eat away at you otherwise.

YouJustDoYou · 07/04/2023 06:57

He's not going to just magically now help with the chores and kids op if he does quit and retire now. You will need to expect to look after your kids AND him, him turning into the 4th kid you have to take care of.

Redebs · 07/04/2023 06:58

The level of ignorance about mental illness on here is stunning.
Depression is not laziness.
You can't just 'pull yourself together'
Earning money is not the solution to everything

Well done to those posters who are able to carry on caring for family or earning through episodes of mental illness, but not everyone can. Some people's lives fall apart. They stop being able to cope.

We probably don't notice them, but a proportion of those around us are living awful, desperate lives, not managing. People descend into addiction and suicide.

OPs husband has 'burned out'. Fortunately for him he has the money not to be forced to carry on. (There's a lot of profit to be made in private healthcare, think about it - separate issue) OP may need some time to herself if she is supporting him. It's very draining emotionally to be involved with someone going through mental ill health.

No, Mumsnet, working longer hours is not the solution. It never is.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 07:01

Redebs · 07/04/2023 06:58

The level of ignorance about mental illness on here is stunning.
Depression is not laziness.
You can't just 'pull yourself together'
Earning money is not the solution to everything

Well done to those posters who are able to carry on caring for family or earning through episodes of mental illness, but not everyone can. Some people's lives fall apart. They stop being able to cope.

We probably don't notice them, but a proportion of those around us are living awful, desperate lives, not managing. People descend into addiction and suicide.

OPs husband has 'burned out'. Fortunately for him he has the money not to be forced to carry on. (There's a lot of profit to be made in private healthcare, think about it - separate issue) OP may need some time to herself if she is supporting him. It's very draining emotionally to be involved with someone going through mental ill health.

No, Mumsnet, working longer hours is not the solution. It never is.

I would agree but it only seems to be if a man is suffering. If it's a woman they get tea and sympathy and told basically whatever they need to do to survive it is okay

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 07:01

Can you outsource OP? I have a wonderful cleaner who cleans, changes sheets and irons. I can’t tell you the difference the 3 hours a week make to my mental load. I have a feeling of “I can leave this because x is coming in two days”

My DH has a very involved job and is away from home a lot. I got fed up of carrying it all too.

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 07:03

Redebs · 07/04/2023 06:58

The level of ignorance about mental illness on here is stunning.
Depression is not laziness.
You can't just 'pull yourself together'
Earning money is not the solution to everything

Well done to those posters who are able to carry on caring for family or earning through episodes of mental illness, but not everyone can. Some people's lives fall apart. They stop being able to cope.

We probably don't notice them, but a proportion of those around us are living awful, desperate lives, not managing. People descend into addiction and suicide.

OPs husband has 'burned out'. Fortunately for him he has the money not to be forced to carry on. (There's a lot of profit to be made in private healthcare, think about it - separate issue) OP may need some time to herself if she is supporting him. It's very draining emotionally to be involved with someone going through mental ill health.

No, Mumsnet, working longer hours is not the solution. It never is.

I agree. I think the issue here is one persons illness is spilling to another. OP doesn’t say but it sounds like her husband isn’t making a compromise. It’s still a relationship and if it’s all one sided OP will grow weary. Illness or not.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 07/04/2023 07:05

What I find it sad is that you say "He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress)."

He "admitted" it was partly due to stress? That comes across more like an excuse than an admission. Stress can make us snappy but we're not supposed to treat our loved ones as verbal punchbags and if we do snap on a bad day then we apologise immediately and try to make up for it. But you put up with years of it? No wonder you're feeling burnt out now. And no wonder you don't want him hanging around the house, if as soon as you need him to do anything he's going to start being unpleasant and blaming you for causing him "stress".

And what about the rest of his unpleasantness - what is that due to? Is he claiming that the rest of it was justified? Or is the rest of it down to him just being unpleasant?

I get what you say about being a "rescuer". I think you've been overdoing the attempts to rescue him and start focussing on yourself - what do you want? Never mind mental health support for him, he's not fixable. What about some support for yourself so you can start building yourself up?

Blueblell · 07/04/2023 07:07

I think he is too young to retire and he has a long life ahead of him. It sounds like he will drive you potty and especially if he is not doing any of the household work and admin. You will end up resenting him. He needs to sort out his mental health problems and get back to work.

CamoFlamingo · 07/04/2023 07:09

Clymene · 07/04/2023 06:57

Anyway I think you should end the marriage. If you're the same age of him you've got years more of this shit to get through - him moping around the house, you picking his dirty pants off the floor.

Divorce him, split he assets, get a full time job. You'd be much happier. The resentment is going to eat away at you otherwise.

I agree with this. Imagine what it will be like when they're both retired and he still doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Ilovetea42 · 07/04/2023 07:11

I think it depends on how severe his mental health is. Presumably as he's in therapy etc I'm guessing he genuinely really struggles at times. It sounds like his job pays off in terms of financial gain but the stress isn't conducive to him doing well in himself as a person. I would suggest he finds a less stressful and lower paid job and you up your hours to help with the bills. I'd also have a conversation around division of labour at home. I'd ask him what he feels is manageable for him to do in terms of childcare and cleaning etc and then hand that bit of responsibility over to him. Tell him that if you're upping your hours to support him changing job then he has got to meet you halfway and step up in whatever way he can. Hopefully he'll start to be less stressed in a new role and should feel better in himself and therefore be able to be more present in the home and take on more as things improve? However, if his mental health is significantly poor, if it isnt solely work related and he genuinely cannot take on anything more without it making him very unwell then I'd say you've known this about him through your entire marriage and its unfair to expect him to change that about himself overnight when he's already undergoing therapy etc and actively trying to keep himself healthy. It would be different if he was claiming mental health and then doing nothing to try and improve it, but it sounds like he is trying by engaging with the right supports.

BoogleOogle · 07/04/2023 07:16

I think you need to work on the basis of the same free time. So unless you always spend more than 14-19 hours a week doing housework (which I find hard to believe) then it's been fair until now. Reassess again with changed circumstances.

Notamumsym · 07/04/2023 07:16

I think if his stressful job is causing his depression to worsen he should re think it but he can't just not 'work and potter around the house and do hobbies' as you say, unless some big money to fund this comes from somewhere, that's totally unreasonable. He needs to re think his type of work and work on getting help for his depression, sorry I know it's an unpopular opinion and I know people will disagree but depression is not a valid reason to do nothing and put a massive financial burden on you.

Oblomov23 · 07/04/2023 07:19

I disagree with most. He's only 50, far too young to retire. He's like to potter about the house? Wouldn't we all? Hmm He's got responsibilities still. He needs to be reminded of that. Thus woe-is-me stuff is just not ok. Even if he doesn't return to this job, he needs to sort himself out, because he's got 17 more years of work until retirement.

I also think you should be looking to increase your work to 3 or 4 days.