So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

[heartbreak2]

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

Sorry to hear this op . whenever I've felt like this I think back to a previous partner and how heartbroken I was and compare how I feel about them in the present day, which is indifferent.

You poor thing. Just keep breathing. It is no help now, but the pain will eventually pass.

If the relationship was largely secret, I’m guessing the odds were stacked against it being lasting from the start? If you genuinely have no one you can talk to, try the Samaritans in the short term for a non-judgemental ear, and think about therapy as a better longer term help?

So sorry to hear this. I remember how hard it is. I allowed myself to cry, but also wrote down all the reasons it wouldn't work. The only thing that helped was to keep as busy as I could, eventually I realised I wasn't thinking about him all the time anymore, but it takes time, it's a kind of grieving I think.

Time is a great healer

He is a colleague at work which is why the relationship was secret. It also means I still need to see him a couple of times a week which I genuinely can’t cope with. I don’t ever want to see him again whilst also not being able to imagine living without him

you are right re prior relationships. I am separated though not divorced from my husband and I guess this was a rebound but I fell hard. Very very hard.

it really feels like my heart is being crushed. I feel to scared to call the Samaritans. I don’t know what I’d say

I’m so sorry OP.
Your poor heart. It’s a shit time you just have to make your way through in your own time.
The best you can do now is be good to yourself. Start with small things that bring you joy. Even if it feels like a slog, initially.

If you had to keep the relationship a secret, something wasn’t right. Think of this as the start of opening your life up to something that feels right, which you don’t need to hide. Good luck 🌻

The Samaritans are very good at listening, and just being there even if you've nothing to say, they'll ask the right questions. You can also email them instead, although a reply does take a while.

I can’t think of anything that would bring me joy, I just want to close my eyes and turn off my brain, I’m still pining to hear from him even though some of the messages I sent him this afternoon in response to his suggestion we take a break pretty much guarantee I never will again.

This too will pass 💐

Do a load of stuff to occupy your mind while you’re getting through this. Xxx

Oh it's so awful. I joined a thread last year started by someone in similar circumstances and it was so supportive. Take a look: Utterly, utterly, heartbroken www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4447267-Utterly-utterly-heartbroken

I can tell you a year further on and we're each doing a lot better.

I think it takes about a fortnight for the intense pain of a break up to ease. During this time you'll have no appetite and you'll wake up early and re-remember it all again.. it will absolutely suck. But after that, honestly it will feel better. You'll have processed it and come to terms with it and adapted to the idea of a different life. Its going to be ok - promise! Lots of self care needed for the next two weeks x

OP I could have written all your posts word-for-word about 2 years ago. I was so madly deeply in love with a work colleague who was my absolutely best friend and with whom I spent nearly all day every day for five years (at the office and outside of work). It was absolute physical pain when things were going wrong with us. Seeing him every day was honestly more than I could bear and I couldn't function at work because I had to be near him. I'm ashamed to admit I spent an absolute fortune pouring my heart out on psychic hotlines. I saw it as if I was paying for psycho therapy 😂

At the end, lockdown helped me get my life back on track. I started working from home, so didn't have to see him and later changed jobs altogether. I'm afraid distancing yourself from him completely is the only solution that can actually help. I gradually started thinking more clearly and now (2 years on) can honestly say I am completely over him. It will happen but only if you break contact. I would honestly start looking for another job. You will feel better eventually. Honestly, it's true (although I wouldn't have believed it 2 years ago).

Samaritans were trialling a messaging service you might be able to use. Have a look on the website. I used it when I had PND as I didn't have the guts to call. 💕

Thank you for the words of advice and link to the other thread. I will take a look. Is this physical pain normal? Every breath feels like an effort and my heart is actually hurting. He’s like a drug I’m craving as I so desperately want to text and make things better or hear from him even though all that will do is set us on another inevitable cycle towards this happening again. It needs to end I just can’t cope. I haven’t been able to eat anything yet I was sick this evening. I love my job and have a good career and there aren’t too many jobs in my field. I feel like every single thing I’ve done over the past 18 months has been with him in mind and I’ve neglected other parts of my life as a result. But without his love I feel like I have no motivation or reason to be alive

OP i could have written this - about a colleague too , who I had to work closely with. The pain is awful. I felt the physical pain and I thought I was going to die from it. You will get through it- I never thought I would, but now I'm married to the love of my life with 2 wonderful children.

I struggled for ages. Going strictly no contact was the only way I could survive - at least as humanly possible given he was my colleague. Thankfully he eventually got a new job but it was hell until then. If you CAN change jobs, do, for your own sake.

If you want to talk, let me know. I know how painful it is and how horrible it is to have nobody to talk to about it. (I also called the samaritans by the way - I got depressive and I think borderline suicidal to be honest).

OP.
I’ve been where you are now, with a secret work relationship. They were my rebound relationship too after being with partner for 7 years. I know it’s hard to hear, but, you are amazingly 1000000% better off without this person in your life, take baby steps but move on. Do not beg for them to get back with you, they will use it to their advantage. Just remember how amazing you are and what you don’t need in a (secret) relationship! Why would you want to be with someone that keeps you their dirty secret?
first steps first. Take them off ALL social media! Good luck xx

I have felt that intense physical pain too & like it would never end… but it does and in time fades to indifference or memory
The more you can focus on other things - live music and sport worked as therapy for me - the sooner you will heal
Try not to make any rash decisions about yr job while you feel this way. Otherwise having to focus on work and get stuff done is also good for stopping dwelling on it.
I also talked about it to a couple of friends who were great but I do feel somewhat embarrassed thinking of it now though I have been able to reciprocate being a listening ear for them subsequently

There's something about the next relationship you have after a prior long relationship that seems to cut extra deep when it all goes wrong. To a degree, it will be a lot about the confidence, happiness and self esteem you thought it was giving you. But really, you need to tread the path and find it from within yourself rather that getting a fake patch that this man would of been. Take time out of relationships, have fun with friends. It's good you recognise it was dysfunctional, one day you will realise it was a rebound thing - because, you'll not put up with dysfunctional when your head is right.
Meantime, professional but aloof is the way to deal - and avoid as far as possible so you can heal. Breathe, it will pass, you will be fine, it's a mere episode in time that you will learn from.

Oh gosh OP, I have been there. I felt like there was an elephant on my chest, I remember an awful crushing pain and was struggling to breathe. I couldn’t focus on anything, I just slept as much as I could and wondered if I’d ever feel normal again.

The physical pain lasted a couple of weeks. It gets better, it really does. What helped me was listening to meditation podcasts. I was doing about 10 a day. Samaritans is good idea.

After a few weeks I felt stronger, and after a couple of months he wasn’t entering my mind so much. I look back on that time now (it was a few years ago) and wonder why I ever felt like that because I feel total indifference to this man now. I can’t imagine what I ever saw in him to begin with!

I promise it gets better, it won’t last forever.

Thank you for your encouraging words, it really does mean a lot to hear from those who have been through it and come out the other side. I can’t imagine feeling this way for weeks as even getting through the next couple of days feels like a mountain to climb although I have hastily planned a busy Easter weekend but I know I won’t be able to get him off my mind as we were supposed to be going away together this weekend and now that’s not happening.

ive realised I really have no idea about self care as I’ve invested so much of myself in to my last two relationships (the former being a 10 year marriage which didn’t end dramatically like this one but instead died a slow and miserable death). I’ve sought pretty much all of my happiness from these relationships. Yes I have friends, but they don’t bring me joy as such (I am also childless not be choice and many of my friends are in the mum phase - no ill feeling towards them but doesn’t help with the isolation).

I was like that as well OP. Neglected all my friendships. But once the dust settled I started socialising and joined a Meetup group. I had a great time. Definitely prioritise making friends, not boyfriends.

Yes, physical pain is normal.
when my breakup caused my heart to physically hurt so badly I couldn’t function, my therapist told me to put my hand on the area (skin to skin) and just tell myself “it’s going to be ok.” Or you’re going to be ok- something along those lines, whatever feels best for you.

my hand would actually feel so hot on my skin, like it was healing me - and the warmth sank into my heart and helped the pain a little.

you’re going through a bad abandonment, and that strikes deeply, into our earliest wounds and fears. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship was.

I am wishing you healing ❤️‍🩹

I remember the feeling of falling into an abyss, OP. It was a winded, tumbling and helpless feeling but also like that moment of shock and panic when you have a near miss in the car. It is physical.

It will take some time but you will get there. Useless now, I know.

Oh OP I really feel for you, I really do. I have been seeing an ex work colleague for 4 months and he’s been messing me around the last 6wks and it’s hurt so much. Even though it’s only been a short time he told me he was in love with me, wanted to be with me forever, get married blah blah blah. Then he went weird on me. Barely heard from him but when I did he says he feels the same. He wants a break for a few months as things will change in the summer which will make it easier for us to be together (he’s a single dad). It’s hurt so much, I feel I’ve been lied to and I’ve not been able to think straight most days. It’s affecting everything in my life, my ability to do my job, I literally can’t go 2 mins without him coming into my head. It’s not healthy, I don’t know how to get him out of my head, I’ve demanded he calls me to explain and I’m hoping a conversation to find out what went on will help.

sorry that was more me pouring out my heart than being helpful, but I want you to know you’re not alone. 18 months is a long time, allow yourself some time to grieve the relationship. Plan somethings with your friends, book something nice, theatre, a mini break etc. Can you book some leave the days you’d see him? Or are they your office days and you wfh the rest of the week? If so could you change your working pattern? Seeing him is going to be super tough, especially as finding another job will be hard. Worth investigating though. Thankfully for me, ex colleague doesn’t come to my office much anymore so I won’t have to see him. Lots of love to you, take careful of yourself and keep talking. I’ll be here all Easter weekend as can’t do anything thanks to a sick dog!

Forget joy.
Close your mind.
Keep breathing.
Focus on small practical tasks. Take the rubbish out. Vacuum the curtains. Clean skirting boards. Things that keep you busy and don't take any deep thought. Focus on the actions.