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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

179 replies

heartbreak2 · 04/04/2023 22:46

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbreak2 · 26/04/2023 06:59

He still uses the word soulmates to describe us 😩 but doesn’t act that way at all

i am going to pursue counselling

ive been taking St John’s wort max dose for a month but I don’t think it’s doing anything

been awake since 3am with crushing anxiety and 90% of it is to do with him

OP posts:
Defenders · 26/04/2023 07:56

Sorry that you're having to go through more anxiety. I Know that feeling. He's leading you on a right merry dance. I hope we can help you take your mind off him, and the anxiety in some small way.

Victoria69c · 26/04/2023 08:12

heartbreak2 · 26/04/2023 06:59

He still uses the word soulmates to describe us 😩 but doesn’t act that way at all

i am going to pursue counselling

ive been taking St John’s wort max dose for a month but I don’t think it’s doing anything

been awake since 3am with crushing anxiety and 90% of it is to do with him

It is literally soul destroying. And it feel like it's never going to end. I've not slept yet myself. I did have to go and see my doctor. I really feel like I'm cracking up. But I'm nearly 36 I've still got my life to live just like you. Me n my son are doing my daily list of things before I'm forty but in the mean time. He give me a jar and paper. Each day I have to try and do just one thing for myself. But I take the paper and then pin it up on the wonky board he has slapped to my bedroom wall. Like when I wash my hair blow it. And don't just leave it. Put mascara on so I can not cry. Just something to make me feel better. I now have a wall for my daily care. It's got me out of bed. And grateful for it. Something that seems stupid. Is one day at a time getting me out of the bed. And making an. Effort. More importantly distracting me from thinking of him. X

surreygirl1987 · 26/04/2023 18:50

I read a book last week called The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, OP. I think you'd like it. Worth a read - it is very heart warming and gives you a new perspective on life.

supercali77 · 28/04/2023 07:14

I was in a relationship like this after separation...didn't last as long. All over me initially, then disappearing, flakiness. Then if I pulled back as a result of all the flakiness, all over me again. It was disorienting. Pretty sure he was seeing other women. The final straw was him bailing on me (again) last minute for a party. I realised he had zero respect for my time. I flipped, and he used this to paint me as being over emotional and unreasonable. I went NC immediately. What really got me past romanticising him ....was watching what happened after NC. The man couldn't keep away. After many texts unanswered he called me and because id deleted his contact I picked up without thinking. His chat was basically trying to see if id met someone else...if id moved on. Whether he could still have a hold over me. Something about the texts and the call made him look transparent and pitiable...so, if I have any advice its...go NC. Doesn't matter if you work together, keep all that to business, and the rest NC. Its an eye opener, along with that it helps you to start actually moving on. Engaging with them keeps you in a cycle of 'was it me? He seems so nice right now? Did I mess this up'.

Badhairday101 · 01/05/2023 20:39

Sorry you're still feeling so bad, I think no contact would help massively. I know you see him in work but other than professionally he needs to have no access to you.
Through my breakup I've come to the realisation that it doesn't matter who is in the wrong or if I contributed to it ending. We're not together so it wasn't right. It's hard but you have to let it go.
What helped me was deleting my social media, otherwise I would have just covertly being watching him. I also deleted the 5 years of Whatsapp messages we had, every message and every photo. This helped as I would scroll back and read them while pining for him. There were loads of lovely messages and photos but they were the past. It honestly felt like a huge weight had lifted when I pressed delete.
I meditate in the morning and came up with a little mantra about letting go that I just repeated over and over again.
I also wrote a list of all of the things that weren't great about him, to give myself the ick 😂. That was petty but made me feel better.
Keep going, you'll get there. I personally wouldn't try and distract yourself with other men because when you're feeling shit they are likely to be twats and make you feel worse. I've sworn myself to celibacy for a year, but that's probably extreme and everyone is different so no judgement here towards anyone who does things differently. I'm just feeling like I'm getting to a good place and don't want a man fucking up my energy.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 02/05/2023 07:33

Thanks all, and for the book recommendation. The fog is lifting somewhat - the long weekend has helped. He messaged me just as it was starting and I haven’t replied. The power is quite liberating. As I’m not expecting to hear from him

OP posts:
Badhairday101 · 02/05/2023 20:10

heartbreak2 · 02/05/2023 07:33

Thanks all, and for the book recommendation. The fog is lifting somewhat - the long weekend has helped. He messaged me just as it was starting and I haven’t replied. The power is quite liberating. As I’m not expecting to hear from him

Well done for being so strong. I think that no contact is really going to help.

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2023 22:24

How are you op x

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 12/05/2023 06:51

Thanks for checking in, that’s so good of you.

It’s mixed. I’m weak - as i haven’t gone no contact but I’m stronger - as I see his behaviour for what it is and I’m much more resilient. We aren’t together but he’s tried it on a couple of time after work events!!! I did crack once which I’m not proud of. However he wants sex on tap without commitment which I’m not prepared to provide as a regular thing. Whilst I am still to a large extent hung up on him, I’m not feeling that raw pain of the early days of break up and I’m also living a much more independent life.

so as I said, a mixed bag!

OP posts:
Defenders · 12/05/2023 08:27

That's good that you are feeling stronger and more resilient. I hope you don't get hurt again.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 21/05/2023 19:16

He reeled me back in, clearly as he was bored and wanted the attention, and now has gone cold again and I feel so, so sick and stupid

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/05/2023 19:34

Oh @heartbreak2 I'm so sorry that's happened.

Can you properly block all contact now so that it doesn't happen again? I think you said you have to work with him sometimes?

The longer you have any contact outside of an absolutely, genuinely 100% necessary work email, the more likely it is you will cave again and every time it happens it will damage your confidence and self worth further.

You deserve to be happy. And to be happy you need to be completely free of this man. Flowers

qqq82 · 21/05/2023 19:53

Oh please block him op . I know it's hard but you need to move on and him breadcrumbing you is stopping you from doing that
He is an absolute bellend and you deserve better

surreygirl1987 · 21/05/2023 19:56

Honestly, you HAVE to go no contact. Be strong. Otherwise this will happen again and again. He will not change.

Aaaaandbreathe · 21/05/2023 19:57

qqq82 · 21/05/2023 19:53

Oh please block him op . I know it's hard but you need to move on and him breadcrumbing you is stopping you from doing that
He is an absolute bellend and you deserve better

Yes, this.

You are not stupid. He is taking advantage of your feelings towards him. He is not the person you thought he was.

You were doing much better and you will again Flowers

qqq82 · 21/05/2023 20:03

It upsets me seeing all these posts on mn .
I've been messed about 4 times off the bat since august last year so I'm refusing to engage with men again for the foreseeable.
I wish I could gather all the women feeling like this at the moment and we could all get together, have a massive knees up and collectively ignore these headfucking bastards until they are just a bad memory.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 21/05/2023 20:48

Thank you for the solidarity and support

i feel so stupid. We are so bloody amazing when we are together but he picks and drops me as he sees fit and always sees his life as far more important than mine. My self esteem is ruined. My face is so bloated and eyes so red and sore from drinking and crying all weekend. I have got to pull myself together

is he being deliberately cruel or just doesn’t care????

OP posts:
Thetimeisnow12 · 21/05/2023 20:51

He is a narcissist and they don’t care about anyone apart from themselves . You have to ignore him. And everyday will get easier.

monsteramunch · 21/05/2023 20:55

is he being deliberately cruel or just doesn’t care????

Trying to work this out will drive you mad OP, though I know it's tempting to ruminate over it. It doesn't matter why he behaves the way he behaves, what matters is how it effects you.

Have you blocked him on everything other than necessary work email? If not, how can we help persuade you to do so? Flowers

Defenders · 21/05/2023 21:07

You are amazing op but he most certainly isn't. He is however cruel and doesn't care about you. The best thing you could do now is ignore him except for work communication only.

BakedTattie · 21/05/2023 21:14

He’s cruel, and knows exactly what he’s doing. Using and dropping you. Absolute narcissist.

block personal numbers, tell him to only contact you professionally and stick to your guns. Don’t give him the power to control you.

you CAN do this.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 21/05/2023 21:59

I’ve never understood the terms gaslighting and breadcrumbing until now. I feel like a fool that I keep falling for it. I want revenge but really I just want to stop his control over me

OP posts:
Defenders · 21/05/2023 22:16

You can stop his control over you by ignoring him because if you don't he's just going to hurt you more. It might not be easy but you can do it and the best revenge is to not show him that you'll be treated this way, as they say, lead your best life.

Feemie · 21/05/2023 22:58

monsteramunch · 21/05/2023 20:55

is he being deliberately cruel or just doesn’t care????

Trying to work this out will drive you mad OP, though I know it's tempting to ruminate over it. It doesn't matter why he behaves the way he behaves, what matters is how it effects you.

Have you blocked him on everything other than necessary work email? If not, how can we help persuade you to do so? Flowers

Good post. Fundamentally it matters how he acts, not why. Pondering why will just drive you mad and waste precious mental energy you could be devoting to self-care. Sympathies — we’ve all been there. It will get better, but stop behaving as though his life and priorities trump yours.