So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

[heartbreak2]

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

Thank you for the recent replies. I am so ashamed I haven’t been able to move on. We have had separations but he draws me back in - whilst still not being willing to commit. He is a master manipulator and I can see that yet somehow can’t fully let go. The thought of another Xmas spent seperate whilst I’m at my parents as a divorced childless woman and he’s no doubt living the high life is so painful. I think I need to do something before then

New year new job new you ?
Cut him off he's awful
Book some holidays
Try and fill all your spare time
Even if he suddenly did a u-turn you could never fully trust him after how badly he's treated you
He's being very very cruel

How did you get on with therapy?

Can you move jobs so you can sever all contact?

It's also the right time of year to watch The Holiday and see Kate Winslet cast off exactly this kind of charismatic soul-sucking manipulator.

I’m searching for a new job now but I’m in quite a niche field so it’s not too easy. I don’t want to take a pay cut as that’s something else he’s ruined for me.

the only way is going to be no contact but that is impossible whilst we work together. We only see eachother a couple of days a fortnight but that’s enough to give me all the good and bad feelings.

I did a few therapy sessions but I struggled tbh to get the best out of them as I felt dishonest when I went back to him

I had a feeling you were going to say something like that about therapy.

You need to start again. Be completely open up front that you have had multiple 'relapses' this year, they may happen again and you don't want to feel you can't be honest about that in the sessions. It's only through exploring what is making you go back time after time that you will be able to unlearn that self-sabotaging behaviour. You don't want to face up to how destructive this is, as then you'd have to stop - it's classic addict behaviour (as I know only too well).

Can you avoid him successfully at work for a month, by carefully deploying leave days to correspond with the days you would see him?

I am going through similar and really feel your pain. In my case we are part of the same social/hobby circles so see each other from time to time. I am actively avoiding events that I think he is likely to attend but sometimes we do see each other and he will try to draw me in but I am now getting much more adept at being friendly and polite and then leaving. I know he is perplexed that the trick no longer appears to be working but O am gradually getting stronger. It help that people now realise we are not a couple and so have stopped asking after him.

I was a bit like this. Separated and then met this guy and it was really passionate. Like I didn’t know it was possible to feel like that. He then broke it off and went to his previous girlfriend. I was really upset. Cried a lot over it. What I did do was get out dating again to keep busy and in a way it helped with that because I couldn’t get invested in other men and men love it when you’re not interested so lots of men chasing me. Eventually after about 9 months I met my fabulous husband and I realised how wrong the previous guy was for me. I do believe that what’s for you won’t pass you by. Rejection is God’s protection ( even if you don’t believe in God sometimes rejection can be for the best in the long run). It will feel raw for a while though

thank you. Much as I don’t want another relationship at the moment I think a bit of casual dating might help my self esteem in the short term. Don’t want to be unfair to anyone, nor do I want to sleep around but a few cocktail or coffee dates and good chat can’t be a bad idea to distract me

Please, please - for your sake only - stop doing this. He is not going to reply and if he does, you won't like the response. Every time you message him you are re-opening the possibility of 'hope' and it's false. You are literally smacking yourself in the head for a reaction and it brings you only more pain.

Don't contact him again and delete his texts and number if you can. Tell yourself if you need to, that you'll have his number if he contacts you again.

As for the physical pain, what about replacing it? I know it's a bit of a cliche about exercise but those endorphins are real and it helps so much. Find something that is a bit physically demanding to do and marvel at how your body can do it. Giving way to what you perceive is physical pain because your heart is broken is doing your body a huge disservice.

What I mean is that your body will keep you going when your mind is elsewhere. Focus on your body and keeping it well. Your heart will keep beating and this desperate feeling of something important being missing will pass.

Sorry for you, I think most of us have been there and know how it is.

No. Stop it; stop looking at men as the answer to improve your self esteem.

YOU have to do this work. This shitshow has been going on since April, and probably many months before you posted. You have wasted so much time on a man that really does not give a fuck. You are too good for that but YOU need to know that.

Put dating on the back burner and start working on yourself. Take accountability for why you have allowed this to continue, look at the part you play. You can’t control him, but you’re in full control of yourself. I really think therapy will help you, I’ve been where you are and another man or dating as a distraction is not the way out. The only one stopping you from being happy is you, and I mean that with kindness.

What LiliLil said. Stop it. You are looking for yet more men to distract you from a man not wanting you, and you think that will 'help your self esteem in the short term'. Where did you get these ideas about validation and esteem?

Stay in therapy instead and BE HONEST THERE and untangle that before you even think about a 'casual' coffee, there will no such thing as 'casual' until you do, because even a failed coffee date with no spark will send you into a tailspin. The work is yours to do, not some guy on a dating app who'll have no idea how much of your self-worth he's responsible for over what he thought was just a latte.

Are you still working at the same place? If you are I think you need to potentially look for a new job. Same city (don't lose your support network) but not wee hours everyday?

Join a club if you can - something which will tire you out and make you sleep. A running club, triathlons etc where you are around other people. Yoga and Pilates classes. Consume your time and meet new people.

Block his number. When you feel like texting him text someone else.

When you think about him tell your bargain to stop and don't think about him.

Suggest, at this point, taking responsibility for your continuing bad choices here, such as choosing more pain and bad treatment, and making some better ones.

He isn’t a ‘master ’ or in control of you. You can live without him. Your life is worse with him in it than it would be without.

You will feel better quicker if you make better choices.

If your other work options aren’t as good, stay where you are, see him twice a week and keep it professional. Hard but not has hard as secretly shagging this loser.

If you didn’t gel with the therapist try another one. If you did gel but were dishonest, try again with them and be more honest

Is he seeing someone else?

I remember someone telling me that when you're not in a good place you're likely to attract other people who also aren't in a good place = unhealthy relationship

Horrible time of year for a break up, been there myself and it’s painful enough without being magnified by all the Christmas adverts and songs ☹️

No advice to add unfortunately that’s not already been said, but be kind to yourself, treat yourself to some nice things and try and get through the festive period.

Time really is a great healer ❤️

My version of this lasted seven years. He was a sort of my boss I am freelance and he basically had control over my career. I looked up to him, fell in love with him, and we had an intense relationship over this time, that was largely secret and never became sexual although it was highly emotional and time consuming. It was utter madness. I could not extricate myself because I was dependent on him for my career. He led me on terribly, destroyed my peace of mind, made me behave in ways I am ashamed of, but on the other side, developed my career and was in a strange way my closest friend. I tried to manage the relationship with therapy, spent thousands on it but as I could not break the relationship and could not change it, it was a waste. It HAD to end, it was horribly toxic, but I was powerless to do it. In the end, he engineered a situation that was a kind of public showdown from which neither of us could return. Like you OP I have never known such pain. It was a madness. I am not recovered. I broke my contract to get away from the situation complicated by the fact that almost all of my friends were connected to my line of work and I have had to withdraw from them too because it is unbearable to talk about, as well as professionally damaging. But eight months on I am getting there. Here are things I did, good and bad.

No contact. But I did, and still do sometimes look at his whatsapp activity. Just to see him 'online' gave me a bolt of comfort when I was lonely.
Wrote him letters which I didn't send.
Wrote about him endlessly in journals, trying to make sense of it.
Talked about it to a very few friends, who all said it was an abusive relationship and I had done the right thing.
Let people into my life. I realised he had sucked up my entire emotional life for years. I didn't really know who I was. My life is richer now, though more painful.
Listened to Peter Walker's CPTSD audio book. Life changer. Also other books on trauma bonding and CPTSD.
Considered myself very ill. Treated myself accordingly. I was extremely tired for a long time. Still am not 100%.
I still miss him every single day. But I know it's based more on pain than love so I don't give in. But I don't deny myself the thought that one day I might.
He hasn't tried to contact me, which helps! I think we both realised we had to stay away from each other. The ending was so very devastating, I almost take comfort from it. There is no way to be in touch without a long time passing.

Sorry OP, this is a long response. But maybe it helps to see first how long these things can drag on, how dominating they can be, and how hard they are to recover from. I am doing well these days, but I still consider it early days. Good luck.

Don't know why a lot of my post is scored out -- don't mean it to be!

Thank you all for your advice which is all taken on board and absorbed. I don’t honestly know why I keep going back, I can only put it down to low self esteem 😭

@Captainfairylights your story really resonated with me although my relationship did turn physical. I think a lot of the time we are wise to being manipulated and still let it happen 😩 but it’s all part of rebuilding

haven’t had any contact for the past few days. Xmas as you say is going to be the hardest time especially post divorce so I need to make plans for a fantastic 2024 that doesn’t involve men!!

You do know why you keep going back. In April you said When I went quiet on him the love bombing started.

You've invested way too much in both of your relationships, and see your worth in terms of whether you have a man. So when he love bombs you it validates your whole life. He keeps offering you just enough to stop you from moving on because there's no downside for him in doing so.

You need to get back into counselling. Invest this energy in yourself and your own happiness.

How significant a pay cut (especially once tax and so on are taken into account)? Could you afford the pay cut? Would there be potential to increase your salary again once you've worked in a new role for a while?

I've read your thread (your comments) in one go. You keep saying that you can't go NC because you have to work with him and you won't move jobs because the pay cut would be "another thing he's taken from you". Meanwhile, remaining in contact with him is allowing him to continue to take all sorts of other things from you!

You have to choose what you'd rather he take, but you need to recognise that in this status quo he is taking your self esteem, your self respect, your time, your energy, your emotional wellbeing etc. You're not stopping him from taking anything from you by staying in this job. Let him take the finances instead, move on, reclaim your SELF and build back up from there. If you stay where you are this cycle will continue.

No contact for a few days but he’s still not blocked? So when he does make contact you’ll be back in the same cycle?

I am sorry if this sounds harsh OP but at this stage you’re doing it to yourself. Nearly a full year of this shit and you’re still lying down for him to walk all over. YOU are accountable now, you can’t control how someone treats you but you are in full control of how much you allow before you walk away.

I don’t think you’ll follow any advice given to you, in fact I think you’ll still be allowing this a year from now, but if you do make it the following two pieces - block him, get more therapy.

OP I once felt very much how you are describing.

An Anti depressant enabled me to stop crying. Then I was able to see things more clearly. Then I was able to look after myself and do what I needed to
do (block him and put my phone down).

Have you spoken to your GP? Apologies, I haven’t read all of your updates. I just wanted to reach out. Please try to get away from him. I promise it will make everything better.

Thank you. I do take on board your advice and direct is fine as I need the tough love.

He isn’t blocked but we’re not in contact currently and I’m staying busy - I think the hurt might hit again in January but I’m not sure.

I deserve someone who chooses me, not only as an option but as their number one. That’s not this man.

@Lookingoutside I was put on antidepressants in the summer and he was the core trigger