So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

[heartbreak2]

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

I've been there too OP and it was the most painful, stressful experience I've ever been through. It has scarred me for life. The exact same scenario. I know you've said it's not that easy but honestly try to get another job. Take your time, but start quietly looking. I know loads of people fall in love with work colleagues but I've been in my new role for nearly a year now and it's such a relief to go into work and not have to worry about triggers or seeing anyone or hearing something that will hurt me. I don't care if Keanu Reeves ends up working with me, I will NEVER ever again shit where I eat. Ever x

It will get better in time. It’s a type of grief. You need to go through the initial grief process, hunker down, stay warm, try to eat etc. Cling onto whatever makes you feel better even if that’s a childhood movie or whatever. I remember being surprised at how physically painful it is.

Then in a few months it’s time to start looking outwards. Take up a new hobby. Travel with a solo travel group. Think about what you liked about yourself in that relationship and what you discovered about yourself and how you can find ways to recreate that in a new context. Get some therapy if you need to.

It’s very tough but life will get better. It feels like the end of the world but it isn’t.

How are you feeling today?

In a moment yesterday I decided I need some therapy. I've had a consultation today and starting next week. I know I need this to break all the old patterns which really stem back to childhood. I can't keep on going in to relationships and abandoning myself. It might be a good thing to explore for yourself.

I’d forgotten the physical pain and turmoil heartbreak brings, even at 15.

Even at 15?.... Especially at 15 more like!

Oh OP. You WILL feel happy again, but for now it's just about taking each minute and hour at a time, putting one foot in front of the other and just keep on breathing. What I did learn is that contact prolongs the agony. I know that's hard in the workplace - my ex was my colleague too - but avoid contact as much as professionally possible. I had an app on my phone that I used to give myself a check mark for every day of 'no contact' I managed. If I had any contact (apart from essential work contact) I had to start again - my aim was to get to 30 days in a row. When I learned I could manage a month, I knew I could manage another month. Slowly, over time, I stopped counting because it stopped mattering to me. But af the start, in those awful painful, agonising first days and weeks, just making it to the end of the day without contacting him was a huge achievement - and absolutely critical for my mental heath. He was like a drug and I craved him so badly but any contact made me feel worse. A broken heart is the most awful thing I have ever experienced and was hands down the worst time of my life, but so many of us have been there and survived- you will get through this.

Still struggling but am away with family this weekend so the change of environment helps somewhat. He’s still on my mind 24/7 and feels as if everything I do or see I relate back to him in some way. It’s pathetic really. We have had a few short messages wishing eachother a nice weekend but nothing since that . I know no contact at all would be better but I was struggling so much. I think there’s zero chance we will get back together as there have been too many shots fired on both sides. A long weekend and sunshine helps things feel a little more hopeful though. Also looking to book a holiday for may.

He will be on your mind for a while. Just try to distract yourself as much as possible hard as it is. Little by little he will be on your mind less and less, until you will realise you haven't thought about him all day.

I never thought that day would come. I thought about my ex constantly. He wasn't just on my mind - I felt like he was IN my mind somehow. I couldn't get him out of my head, no matter what I did. But slowly slowly, when I stopped engaging with him, he stopped being in my head so much. One day I realised I hadn't thought about him for days. Now, months go by without him crossing my mind, and even when he does, it doesn't hurt any more! You will get there.

The grief now comes in waves and especially at night. The distraction of a long weekend as helped but I’m still constantly wondering what he’s up to etc as we’d usually be in contact all the time. We’ve had a couple of civil messages but I can’t believe the coldness where there was so much love

The messages won’t help, it’s like having a couple of cigarettes. It will just leave you wanting more and you’re stroking his ego in the process. I know it’s tough but start building a wall around yourself. When the thoughts come, imagine them bouncing off. You said you aren’t very good at self care, so this is an opportunity to learn and you will be stronger for it. You’ve had a horrible shock. Treat yourself with the compassion you deserve. It’s a bit like the flu, so treat yourself like you have the flu. You feel horrendous and weak and everything aches. You’re full of snot and can’t sleep but being awake feels horrible. When you do sleep it’s broken and you might have nightmares. You know you’re not going to feel much better tomorrow, or even the day after, but little by little and by taking care of yourself, things will start to ease. I promise you.

Oh dear. I suggest looking for a new job.

We’ve had a couple of civil messages but I can’t believe the coldness where there was so much love

Stop the messages! Honestly. Delete his number and block him - you must must stop engaging with him, for your own sake.

I just wanted to come on here and update. Still finding things tough but that’s largely my fault as we have still been in contact. He is very very hot and cold over messages, we haven’t seen eachother in person. I feel as if I’m prolonging the agony but I can’t go fully no contact as we will see eachother via work soon. I feel as if - he doesn’t want to be with me but neither does he want me to move on?!

I have been getting back in to exercise, and cooking for myself. Two things that sound like basic self care but don’t come easily to me. I also have a first therapy session this week. I’m nervous and don’t know what to expect

Don't let him string you along please. He's being a dick.

Sorry to be blunt be he broke it off and if he wanted to be with you he'd say.

He knows you clearly still want him and if your both not tied to other people then what is stopping him (from saying he wants to get back together). Read the book "he just not that into you"

He's being manipulative and massaging his ego by him replying to you. If he had any decency and did ever love you he wouldn't be a dick and he'd tell you to move on and he won't be replying instead of playing with your feelings.

Don't spend your therapy time analysing what his texts mean and does he love you and is he changing his mind - waste of time.

Sorry to be blunt but your story is a mirror image of mine and mine didn't end well. I'm in a great place now but I look back at those days (where you are) feeling in pain for the person I was then. I loved him and I desperately just wanted him to love me back (again like he used to) but he didn't and he strung me along. Like he may change his mind and perhaps it could work. There would be days I would be on cloud 9 thinking we were getting back together but then he'd tell me I'd misinterpreted his text.

Please go cold

Thanks @norma1980 important words

Why are you no longer together @heartbreak2

I feel as if - he doesn’t want to be with me but neither does he want me to move on?!

I once was with a guy like that. He strung me along for ages and made me feel awful. Don't let this happen to you. I agree with the PP about the book 'he's not that into you'. Please stop with the unnecessary contact. I know you are saying about working together, but I suspect you are using that as an excuse to yourself to get in touch with him. He's like a drug- you crave him, and any small breadcrumb of attention makes you feel momentarily better as that's what you crave, but then you feel worse as a result. I've been there and it's hell. Honestly, I would put your mental health first and try to find another job if at all possible - get away from this toxic man.

I had to leave my job. We worked in the same open plan office. Every-time another single woman spoke or laughed with him I'd be thinking they'd start going out. When he went on a lads holiday for 2 weeks I missed him. After work drinks were painful. I wanted to be near him all the time. I thought if he saw me he'd be reminded of how much he loved me and the good times we had - that's why I stayed working there. Finally though for my own mental health I had to find another job. Some people may be okay working with an ex I couldn't. I stupidly uprooted my whole life and left where I lived and it was the wrong thing to do. I needed to be near family and friends - I should've just got a new job in the same city. Not seeing him everyday helped massively. Keeping busy helped. I started in a running club and looked at further studies. X

@Defenders that's a very good question. I think it comes down to incompatibility or emotional availability. He increasingly kept letting me down on stuff and I’m sorry to say my reactions were not great. I think he got sick of receiving long ranty essays from me and we were increasingly getting in to arguments. I pushed it too far one day and he ended it. I do feel like there was gaslighting involved though as if he didn’t keep picking me up, promising me the world then dropping me from a great height when it suited him I would have never reacted that way. I’m usually a pretty laid back person but it was an emotional rollercoaster.

with distance I’m seeing it wasn’t a healthy relationship but god when we were good we were the best ever, and that’s why it still hurts

It may come to having to leave my job but that’ll be another thing he’s got over me as my job is quite niche and I couldn’t easily find another role on the same money.

I hope you don't have to change jobs @heartbreak2 that would really be a shame, but I understand why people would want. How is the anxiety? Hopefully diminishing day by day.

I didn't want to change jobs either. If he hadn't left the job himself I don't know how I would have coped. I only stated healing when I didn't have to see him every day. It's like a scab - everttime I had contact with him it was like picking the scab and opening the wound. I only let the wound scab over when I had no contact. Don't think of it as him having something else over you- think about it as protecting yourself and putting your own wellbeing first. Obviously it's your call, and it's complicated by your job being so niche, but it is something to consider.

The only way out is through, unfortunately. It just takes time - but you WILL get there. I know I you can’t believe it right now - and trust me, I know that feeling - but it really does get better.

So sorry, OP. It’s awful.

Thank you so much for your words of support. I hate the control he still has over me. I kind of know that at some point my anger over that is going to bubble over though and I will lose the rose tinted glasses. Perhaps I need to find a distraction of a man (even though that sounds awful)

This is horrible , I've been there , it's painful.
You need to block and delete his number.
You'll get through it.

I just don’t know that I can. His mixed signals are driving me crazy. What if it was my fault for kicking off another (verbal) emotional argument? I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life - in over 40 years including my marriage I’d never felt a connection like this one. I am literally torn multiple times a day between thinking he’s a manipulative narcissist gaslighter or that I’m the problem and I threw it away. We are in touch now and civil but there are moments of warmth but I can also see he also stops short of telling me he loves me or showing too much affection. I’m thinking possibly he’s met somebody else. Sorry for the ramble. Wow - I really am pathetic aren’t I.