So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

[heartbreak2]

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

I’m going to try and focus on work for the next 2 days. Thankfully not days I will have to have any work interaction with him. I still woke up feeling sick to the stomach. He’s like a drug and I feel compelled to get in touch and try and recover the situation. That’s not wise, is it?

No. I’d recommend trying mindfulness. I find it good for helping me name awful feelings (which helps me cope) and to focus on breathing and getting myself back into my body, rather than being overwhelmed with panic and sadness. You always have your breath when you have nothing else, OP.

I feel for you, the first post divorce relationship breakdown as someone else said seems to carry an awful lot of weight with it. It's not just about them, it's all the hopes/desires from the previous as well. Don't contact him no, the wound is fresh, if you do - it just delays healing and can make it so much worse. He knows where you are and presumably initiated it. Nows a time to watch engrossing crap on the telly, clean obsessively, go out with friends, and just make it through the next day and the next. Delete all his texts and photos and delete his number, remove him from social media. You cant avoid seeing him but you can avoid shopping for stabs in the form of browsing old conversations.

Today IM just so anxious and panicky. Trying to reconcile my life and future without him. We had plans to build a life together and it’s only when I’ve pushed him has it brought out we want different things. I also suspect his relationship with his ex wife might not be as over as he says it is (they do not live together but they are still connected via their children).

a good relationship shouldn’t involve practically begging for time and attention should it? I know the answer to that already. It wasn’t always that way, in fact it was the other way round at the start…..

i just need to accept it - I’m dumped, it feels horrendous, my self esteem is on the floor

Today IM just so anxious and panicky. Trying to reconcile my life and future without him.

Try not to dwell on this at the moment. Just focus on getting through today.

a good relationship shouldn’t involve practically begging for time and attention should it? I

No.

my self esteem is on the floor

It’s not worth it. It sounds like he was confused about what he wanted, please try not to take it to heart as difficult as I know that is. It’s hard to imagine now but you will get through this and eventually you’ll look back on it from a much stronger place.

Have you got something planned today to keep your mind occupied? A short walk? Watch a favourite film with a big bowl of popcorn? Download a game for your phone?

Work has distracted me for a bit, but I had to exchange emails with him on a matter - which set me back again because the coldness/formality just hurts so much with the rest of our relationship seemingly gone. I know I shouldn't chase, I know logically the problem isn’t me, it’s him and what he wants, but gosh my ego is shot to pieces. How does a man go from adoring you to cold in a matter of a month or so. Perhaps it’s his ex, perhaps someone else. It just feels so cruel. I still feel sick and heartbroken, feel like I’m under a cloud and this dreary weather isn’t helping. My head tells me I need to keep busy but my body just seems rooted and I can’t stop crying. Sorry for being so pathetic. Any hand holds or advice continues to be welcome.

I cracked and text him, with quite an emotional text, and he’s ignoring me 😕 now I regret messaging at all

My 5 year relationship ended 4 weeks ago, this was also my first relationship following a 15 year relationship. I know how you're feeling, it really hurts.

No contact has been the absolute best thing. Once the panic faded I decided I definitely wouldn't be going back even if he contacted me.

I'm a bit further along but I honestly feel ok now so there is hope. I have clarity that I didn't have in the first few weeks. I see now that I had also lost myself in the relationship. Stopped doing the things I love, kind of slipped in to his life, been a massive people pleaser, tried to make him happy but neglected my own needs. That's taught me a big lesson moving forwards. I've also thought about what I'll actually miss about him and it is mainly the fun things that we did together. So I've decided I'm going fill that space with fun, exciting things of my own, either on my own or with friends and family. I've also decided I'm not going to try to numb myself, feeling is healing and all that, so no throwing myself in to work, sleeping with randoms, dating, drinking lots, partying, all the the things I would have done in the past. I've been in a relationship for the vast majority of my adult life and I want some time on my own now learning to just be happy with myself and build a life I love. I'm on a soul journey and it feels exciting (sounds cheesy though).

@Badhairday101 I recognise a lot of myself in your post - becoming a massive people pleaser. I think after the breakdown of my marriage I was so over the moon to meet someone I clicked with so well and, for the majority of the relationship was so in to me as well. He did all the chasing at the start and all the effort. I’m now wondering if I became too needy/attached and whether the old treat em mean keep em keen (or if not mean - just less worshipful!) has a place.

So good to hear you are starting to come out the other side. In theory I’d love to do all the ‘good’ stuff for myself but right now I’m just trying to survive. What kind of fun stuff have you been doing? I need to do some work to my house which is necessary if not fun. I’d also like to take a yoga course and get back into running. I struggle with friendships at the moment as so many of my friends have young children and I think that has played into why I’ve got so attached so quickly with him.

I think that was it for me too I couldn't believe my luck at finding someone I clicked with on so many levels. He's not a bad person either I just think very damaged by his divorce. I couldn't drag someone through a relationship though or choose someone else over me all the time.

Yes definitely the first few weeks are just surviving but you will do. You really will be ok again. Weirdly when I felt like messaging him I started watching breakup advice TikToks and they really helped me to stay strong and made me realise that everyone feels the same at the beginning. I think yoga and running sound like the perfect things to do, they'll take you out of your own head for a bit which is what you need at the moment. This could be a way of making new friends too if you joined a running club in the future. It will definitely take time to rebuild your life but you will do and it'll be worth it.

I've started yoga again which has been brilliant for my physical and mental health. I've also started horse riding again which was always my love and and thinking I may get a horse again of my own. Horses are terrible if you ever want to have time or spare money though so possibly one to skip if it's not your thing. I've booked a holiday with my kids and family in the summer and also one on my own which is terrifying but exciting. I've started decorating too, I just want my space to feel uncluttered and lovely.

Oh you poor thing. Everything you're experiencing is normal, the physical pain and messaging him too. I feel so upset and angry for you that you're in this pain and you were messed about.

My advice at the moment is to get through each minute, hour, day and just focus on surviving. You won't feel better in the next few hours or even days, don't try to fix yourself. Let everything out, cry, scream, walk for miles, eat loads of ice cream, anything you feel like doing just do it. Even if that means ranting at him in a message you'll never send.

I don't know why he changed, but you didn't do anything wrong and you know that. You simply at this time are no longer compatible and that will be for the best (although it doesn't feel it now). No answers to your questions will change the situation.

Focus on comfort, distraction and survival. Then, one day soon you'll feel a subtle change where you cry less, think about him less, smile and laugh and you'll feel like you're going to be okay. When that happens you can start to re-plan your life. That stage in breakups is usually when I would dye my hair, buy a pet and plan a holiday.

When you're in an anxious spiral, deep breaths (even if they're few and far between), tapping yourself with a hand on the leg or finger on the cheek, repeating a phrase like "I am okay, I am safe" and sip cold water. Grounding techniques could really help you.

You're welcome to message me if you want, but keep posting on here so we can support you x

Thank you so much for all your kind advice, solidarity and support. I’m a regular m’netter , but name changed for this one, how lovely and supportive the relationships board is 🤗means the world

Being dumped is just the worst. I’m sure at some point I’ll feel anger and I keep trying to think about all the things I disliked about him, and his double standards, but right now I’m just in pining mode. Trying to remember I didn’t even know him less than 2 years ago and I functioned, so I will be able to function again. I just would like it to be without this pit of dread in my stomach and aching heart!!

Write him a letter with everything you want to say then burn it.

It will pass, I promise. Just be very kind to yourself and take it hour by hour. Post here everyday if you need to, just get it off your chest and we'll support you for as long as you need it.

Thank you. I don’t want to be a pity party, but sharing thoughts and hearing your words here really makes a difference especially as I can’t share any of this properly in real life

Another day waking up feeling sick to the stomach and with anxiety surging through my body 😭

A time for self care for you. This too will pass. You will probably learn from this experience.

And one day closer to feeling better x

I wish there was away around this pain, but there isn’t. You have to go through it but what I can promise you is that you will get through it and you will be ok.

I was exactly the same as you a year ago, first relationship after my divorce. I lost three stone in weight and honestly wanted to die. It was an abusive relationship looking back, and he would often walk out and block me for days at a time and then come back it was horrific. He walked out last April and I didn’t hear from him for 8 weeks, the longest it has ever been. Of course he was seeing someone else.

I could not understand how my best friend, someone who had pursued me, who loved me so hard could change so suddenly but that was the real him. The cold, uncaring, abusive dick was real. It took me months to start to feel better, and a year down the line I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. He disgusts me.

Guess who keeps texting me from new numbers begging for another chance though?

There is better out there for me, and for you. You’ll get there I promise x

I am 3 months in i also work with him but from home so don't have to see him but he finished with me for a younger girl at work.
So I have that on top. It has crushed me much like you more so than my divorce. I pray for the day I don't wake up sad. Lots of love to you

Hello

I've been where you are. Also a colleague. It hurt. Really hurt when he ended it. It destroyed me. He was my everything. I would see him at work and he was able to move on. He was cold detached logical after it ended. I couldn't understand it. He said he found it hard but he didn't show it.

I would text him and I lost my integrity and respect. If someone wants you they'll tell you. He didn't.

I wish I'd got into the gym or triathlons or something because when it ended I had nothing. No friends as I'd neglected them. Couldn't concentrate at work. Felt hopeless. I was way too invested in him it was unhealthy. I'll never let myself get that invested in a relationship again. I need to be self sufficient.

This too shall pass.

Thank you so much for your replies today. @norma1980 so many parallels with your post. @LiliLil and @hopelessgirl i think there must be something in the first relationship pose marriage breakdown. Almost as if the relationship tries to compensate for everything that was lacking (‘someone finally gets me’) but also the pain on it ending feels deeper than just the relationship itself, as if it’s the delayed marriage trauma, even though all my love is directed towards this man

Wow mine was also the first relationship post marriage breakdown and it was WAYYYY more intense and painful than my actual divorce

So many of us seem to have had this with colleagues
I know you are always told not to date them but for me it's the only place I meet men so unfortunately I've done it far more than I care to admit

The one that broke me was actually the one before my exh who in hindsight was a bad rebound who shouldn't have lasted
more than a week

I was with him for 15 months and fell so hard. He was full on , appeared totally obsessed with me. We spent every spare moment together and then after a silly argument just one week after he said he wanted to marry me, he ghosted me

I had to still see him in the office and he soon started seeing another girl from work and then they got married

Worse thing I've ever ever been through . But I did get through it and now I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole . It's the old time cliche thing I'm afraid.

I also ended up changing offices after a year which made it much easier

OP my DD15 recently had a broken heart, she adored the boy for 8 months before dating him for 6. I’d forgotten the physical pain and turmoil heartbreak brings, even at 15. Vomiting before school, it’s been awful. She uses the acronym HALT before messaging him and asks herself if she’s :

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

….. if yes to any, don’t message him.

She’s lived by this mantra and it’s taken the emotion out of the few messages she’s sent him. Good luck, OP, sending lots of hugs.

I hope you work on your self-esteem and get some kind of therapy or counselling. To have your self-worth so tied up in a relationship is so unhealthy.
Relationships aren’t the be-all and end-all and I honestly hope you find some real happiness in life moving forward ❤️