So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

[heartbreak2]

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

Sorry you are going through this. Is it possible the real issue here could be your emotional state, and the effects of a divorce then rebound/break up? Maybe not focus so much on him as a solution to your happiness. You seem really focused on him. Was he just a band aid/distraction? Possibly counseling could help you unravel what is really going on here, and come to terms with this break up. And remember, he is not the last guy you could feel a connection with, although it might seem that way for now.

Would you get back together op if you could? From what you have told us it sounds like he would continue to do all the things that lead to this. Is that something you could put up with? The reason I'm asking this is that it does sound like he messes with your emotions.

I think that is a really interesting challenge, I do feel like there might be unresolved hurt from my marriage break up wrapped up in this, even though I have nothing but platonic feelings for EXH.

i feel my heart would get together with the guy in question in a heartbeat but my brain tells me no as it’s only a matter of prolonging the hurt

Just checking in really, more for my own sanity.

im still in a cycle of communication but I’m building more resilience and seeing him for what he is. He doesn’t want to be with me, yet he is trying to keep me on the back burner for his own ego and to stop me moving on. When I went quiet on him the love bombing started. It’s a total head f*ck but taking it day by day

Did you ignore the love bombing? @heartbreak2 He ended it didn't he?

Stay strong, OP. You’ve recognised the lovebombing. Don’t let him reel you in again for more hurt.

I really feel like you’re prolonging the hurt by being in contact with him.

I know it helps soothe the wound for now, but the wound is not healing. What’s the end game? You stay in contact until he tells you he’s with someone else? Or you end up being dragged back in to it all for the same to happen, boost his ego and he tells you he doesn’t want to be with you? Why put yourself through that? Take back your power and go no contact.

This isn’t some romantic novel where you’re destined to be together- he treated you like shit, showed some massive red flags and had you questioning your sanity. It was a toxic relationship.

You need to move on, block him and have some therapy and I say this as someone who has been exactly where you are.

There is no happy ending here, take the rose tinted specs off. You are setting yourself up for a whole load of hurt, just rip the plaster off and be done with it.

I could have written this nine months ago. I still miss him, but if it was 100 then its a 15 now. Time is the only thing that really heals. In the future the gut-wrenching ache will lessen, promise.

I can relate a lot to how you are feeling. I was this way with one of my exes. It felt like genuine physical pain. I was codependent and it was a toxic relationship. He was emotionally unavailable and I was addicted to the moments he would give me what I wanted and "lift me back up" from the incredible lows I'd feel when he treated me badly.

In the weeks after the breakup, to distract myself from the insane amount of pain I was feeling I spent most of my free time reading "self help" sort of books about how to break the cycle of toxic relationships, how to go no contact with an ex, what codependency is and how to stop being codependent etc etc. I knew ultimately there was something going on with me - and my own self esteem - that had led me to staying in a relationship like that and I knew unless I figured out why that was I was going to end up in a similar situation again. I didn't want to be the needy person I had been in that relationship.
It really helped pass the time when the heartbreak was at its worst, and helped me gain some perspective on what a healthy relationship should look like.

Good luck xx heartbreak truly is horrific. It will get better but you need to cut contact or you are prolonging it. There is no easier, softer way with a breakup like this.

Thanks all for your continued advice. I have sought out some podcasts I think might be helpful. I’m beginning to realise how controlling he is/was. It’s so good to read that many of you have been through this and come out the other end stronger.

I know I should go totally no contact but we are in touch probably 5% of what we used to be and haven’t met up in a month.

You need to stop texting,i did this for months! He didnt want me,but by texting he made me feel there was hope,after 6 months i deleted his number and blocked him on everything,honestly the best decision i ever made x

5% is too much

This was me a year ago. I was in so much physical pain I honestly wanted to die. I lost two stone in just over a month, I had to have trauma counselling. I had been in the most toxic, abusive relationship and one day he just left. Went to work, and blocked me after 4 years together. Of course he was shagging someone else.

At the time, I thought he was the love of my life because the highs were SO high. I’d never had a connection like that before, the sex was incredible, I thought he was my soulmate. But of course the highs feel so good when the lows have you on the floor in pieces. Of course I was so grateful he was just being nice to me, that there was no better feeling on earth. He lied to me, controlled me, gaslit me, cheated on me and it was so slow and insidious I didn’t see it until I was away from him.

This is not love. It’s co-dependency and it’s a trauma bond. There is no going back, it’s damaged beyond repair you know this. Stop hanging on for crumbs because it might only be 5%, but I bet every time your phone pings part of you hopes it’s him. I bet you spend most days wondering if you’ll hear from him. He still has a hold over you, you will not recover unless you go no contact. You may not be ready to admit that to yourself, but it doesn’t stop it being true.

Oh and a year on? I still miss mine, or who I thought he was but I cut all contact and will never speak to him again. He is poisonous to me, I cannot risk my mental health like that again. He wasn’t worth it. Just another man who thinks with his dick and lies so much I don’t think even he knows the truth. It hasn’t stopped him trying though, until I blocked him everywhere I had the declarations of love, sobbing down the phone, suicide threats, coming to my door - I was no longer playing his game, no longer on the back burner and he couldn’t stand it. Don’t be me, do it much sooner than I did and start to heal.

@LiliLil is spot on.

Thank you, I think you’re right. The 5% is just killing me and I can’t recover. I have to work with him though (not every day but frequently) it’s so hard

That’s the sucky thing, no option is easy but you deserve far, far better than this.

Holding on to scraps is hard.

Cutting him off completely is hard.

One of them will drag this out and make it more painful for you though. Choose your hard x

You'll get there op. Remember he couldn't have been that great or he would have treated you better. Sometimes we put people on a pedestal.

I know one day I’ll wake up and not care. I just wish that day would be tomorrow

Any chance you can take a sabbatical from work or something like that?

I had similar last summer. My ex, I see now, was a covert narcissist. They love-bombed, cheated, pretended to be poly, gas lit me and made me feel insane before finally discarding me for the other woman like I'd never existed. And told me it was my fault for not liking cheating. The coldness in their eyes that last day was like a personality transplant. It's horrible.
I was like you, I had vomiting nearly every morning and no restful sleep. I was dizzy all the time and had palpitations and panic attack symptoms and hours and hours of crying episodes. No contact hurts most but works the fastest. Is there anyway you can go off work sick for a few weeks or use up annual leave? Block him on everything you don't need for work.
It gets better when you find the anger over how you've been messed around, and that day will come. X

Sorry not rtft as about to crash, but wanted to say BREATH, Slow deep breaths in through your nose and deep breaths out through your mouth. Keep doing this over and over.

Talk to good friends when you are ready and what ever you do DO NOT get offended if they didn’t/don’t feel the same way as you.

Time is a great healer, I’ve been here, so have many many women before us, we survive and are better for it x Take care xx

I once thought I would never be happy again. I told my husband as much. It wasn't a failed romance but something involving one of my children. I thought I had hurt over a few failed romances but it was nothing to this pain. I am not saying this to minimise your pain but to say that I was eventually happy again.

Incidentally, one of those romances was with a blow hot and blow cold type who would try to reel me back in whenever I looked like being happy with somebody else. I wised up when I met the wonderful man I married. I cut the old boyfriend completely from my life and told him that I thought a clean break was best. He was a bit annoyed I think that the fish was off the line.

I don't think your work colleague sounds very nice either. I wonder if he has done this before. I had a few quiet dates with a colleague and thankfully my secretary let slip that he'd gone out with two previous colleagues, broke up with them and made their lives so miserable that they had to find new jobs! I assume he was going for three in a row. I found myself totally unavailable for future dates. I mean you think he'd have learnt after two disasters that he was best not dating colleagues.

I feel your pain love. He has moved on and keeps rubbing it in my face. We have a 15 yr old son who is affected. He lost both parents a month apart. Obviously they knew us. but similarly he wants us back to being his little secret as most of his family n friends only found out about us at the funeral of his mum. 2019 That feeling as thou you can't breath and physical pain in your heart.Your not on your own. Even thou it feels like it right now. I can't talk to anybody about how I feel. Music loud and something you can move to. And write it down it does help. X

The pain is suffocating me, I feel physically ill from the mental torture. He is so manipulative and I’m allowing him to be.

I can’t take any time off work for a while and going off sick would just cause me more stress in other areas

However I can avoid seeing him for a few weeks I think, by delegating a meeting.

ive accepted I need to go no contact

thsnk you for your words and responses it helps so much to know I’m not alone

I would avoid him as much as possible
Block his number
Go on holiday as soon and for as long as you can
Have you been to a gp to discuss anti depressants and counselling?

Don't be like me when I was in this situation and rebound to the wrong person. This exact scenario is how I ended up marrying and divorcing an alcoholic

I wish I could go no contact. I literally still speak to him everyday over our son. I don't have to but I just can't help it. even thou he has moved on to someone else. He still contacts me. Just general. thou il whole heartedly love him. When people say soul mate I literally feel like I've lost half of me. I wouldn't go anywhere near him while he is with someone I'd rather my situation. no cheating . I've seen what that does to people it's not nice. Certainly ain't pretty.

All I can say is deep breath every time he creeps into thoughts. Keep busy. Sitting at home won't help at all. All the best x