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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So desperately heartbroken. In physical pain, please help

179 replies

heartbreak2 · 04/04/2023 22:46

An 18 month relationship ended today. It was dysfunctional in many respects but I was / am head over heels in love with him. 18 months doesn’t seem like long but it changed my world.

I feel so crushed and suffocated with sadness and like I’m never going to be able to function again. The relationship was also largely secret (it wasn’t an affair, before anyone asks) so there’s literally nobody in real life I can talk to

please please please can someone give me some first aid for my heart and head and help me believe that there will be a better life for me after this.

OP posts:
Modda · 22/05/2023 16:13

It'll get better x

LiliLil · 23/05/2023 18:35

He doesn’t care about you. Nobody who cared about you would treat you like shit. Forget his words and look at what his actions are saying.

You’ve caved once, now he thinks he can do what he likes and you’ll still fall over yourself running to him when he clicks his fingers. I hope you prove him wrong.

The ONLY way through this is no contact. You know this.

Lookingoutside · 23/05/2023 18:53

heartbreak2 · 21/05/2023 20:48

Thank you for the solidarity and support

i feel so stupid. We are so bloody amazing when we are together but he picks and drops me as he sees fit and always sees his life as far more important than mine. My self esteem is ruined. My face is so bloated and eyes so red and sore from drinking and crying all weekend. I have got to pull myself together

is he being deliberately cruel or just doesn’t care????

You are not amazing when you’re together. It just feels that way because you don’t know when or if you will see him again.

Please block him OP. You will look back and be so glad you did. I know how hard it is.

solice84 · 01/06/2023 20:24

How is it going @heartbreak2 ?

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 05/06/2023 12:55

Thank you for checking in

Things are still very tough and I’ve accepted no contact is the only way. I’m 2 days in and I’m still compulsively checking my phone to see if he will contact me.

I’m scared about having to see him at work meetings / socials as well but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I’ve never known a man (non violent) so capable of destroying someone’s self esteem

OP posts:
LiliLil · 05/06/2023 16:18

@heartbreak2 you need to block him so he can’t contact you.

What are you going to do when he texts, because he will, and you’ll be sucked right in again?

I mean this kindly because I have been exactly where you are. You need to block him everywhere, delete his texts, delete his number. By not doing so you’re leaving the door open for him to worm his way back in again, and he will. Not because he cares about you, but because he knows you will let him.

Just think how much further down the line you would be, how much more healed you would be, if you had blocked him when he first started this shit?

Defenders · 05/06/2023 16:50

What are you going to do when he does contact you because like @LiliLil says he will.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 05/06/2023 18:15

It’s very difficult for me to block him as we work in the same organisation (tho not directly together) . If I block him on my personal phone he has other means of contacting me and I’d rather not bring work channels of communication into it.

I have started therapy to work through my feelings of low self esteem and I’m just trying to keep busy.

thank you for checking in and for the constructive support and challenge. It means a great deal to me. I hope one day I’ll be able to look back at this thread and realise how I recovered

OP posts:
solice84 · 05/06/2023 18:19

You block him on all your personal devices
If he contacts you through work channels about anything other than work , you give him one warning and if he does it again you refer it to HR.

LiliLil · 05/06/2023 20:56

solice84 · 05/06/2023 18:19

You block him on all your personal devices
If he contacts you through work channels about anything other than work , you give him one warning and if he does it again you refer it to HR.

Exactly this.

I’m sorry OP, but it does seem like you’re deliberately leaving the door ajar for him.

Block him. If he uses work communication methods for anything other than work you reply “Please do not contact me regarding anything other than work. If you continue to do so I will take this further with the relevant department”. It is that easy.

You need to heal and you can’t do that when every time your phone beeps you’re worried/hoping it’s him.

He has treated you like absolute shit, more than once. He will try again because in his eyes, he knows you’ll easily be pulled back in and he gets his ego boost. He thinks you are weak. You have GOT to block him and cut this off for good, or you’ll still be in the same cycle 6 months down the line.

LiliLil · 05/06/2023 20:57

And you will recover, I promise. And sooner than you think. But only you can slam that door.

VanillaSox · 05/06/2023 21:13

XelaM · 07/04/2023 02:04

Wow mine was also the first relationship post marriage breakdown and it was WAYYYY more intense and painful than my actual divorce

Same here.
OP 3 months ago I was where you are now. Unbearable. And bewildering. Today am feeling good but have regular relapses.
Mine was very damaged and people don’t understand why we split as we were so good together and people remarked on it constantly.

It really does get easier but you have to go through pain. Try to find distractions even when you don’t enjoy them (I mean activities-NOT another man - don’t go for another rebound) and gradually you will start to enjoy them even while mostly pining.

solice84 · 05/06/2023 21:21

I know how tempting it is to keep lines of communication open
I've been there, thinking maybe he will suddenly change into a decent human being though in reality I knew that wasn't going to happen and the damage was irreparable
It's like picking a scab. It'll only leave a bigger mess and take longer to heal

And anyway

FUCK HIM! Silence is the best weapon

VanillaSox · 06/06/2023 06:19

Completely agree re silence - not a a weapon of attack but of defence. Best advice a friend gave me was not to reach out -was sooooooo difficult but am so glad I didn’t.

TheCatterall · 06/06/2023 07:24

@heartbreak2 well done for getting the therapy. But you can either;

a) message and explain you wish to keep contact purely professional now and believe you should have no more contact outside of work… or

b) you can block him and tell him to keep it professional if he tries discussing personal matters via other platforms.

isn’t that what you’d advise a friend to do? You sound (in the nicest possible way) like you are still looking for loop holes and excuses to let things slip through.

if you block him at least you know he won’t be messaging you and you can stop obsessively phone watching.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 06/06/2023 11:15

I haven’t blocked but I’m no longer expecting to hear from him. If he does get in contact he will be getting the silent treatment. It’s taken such a toll on my mental health and he just doesn’t seem to care a jot.

trying to remember there are those that love me and hobbies, interests and career all of which I’ve neglected whilst I’ve been controlled by him.

the most powerful message I can send to him is just to move on

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 06/06/2023 12:09

heartbreak2 · 06/06/2023 11:15

I haven’t blocked but I’m no longer expecting to hear from him. If he does get in contact he will be getting the silent treatment. It’s taken such a toll on my mental health and he just doesn’t seem to care a jot.

trying to remember there are those that love me and hobbies, interests and career all of which I’ve neglected whilst I’ve been controlled by him.

the most powerful message I can send to him is just to move on

Gently OP, what is the downside of blocking him?

I can't personally see one and I think that while you believe you'll ignore him if he messages, that isn't necessarily what will actually happen and leaving that line of communication open is in my opinion like leaving the wound a little bit exposed and yourself a little bit more vulnerable.

If you were my mate, I would encourage you to block him.

gandeysflipflop · 17/11/2023 20:52

how are things now op? I'm going through a similar thing myself at the minute and it's bloody hard.

Original poster
heartbreak2 · 26/11/2023 01:49

Still in a repetitive cycle of doom with it 😔

OP posts:
Raspberrymoon49 · 26/11/2023 01:55

Has there been contact?

Victoria69c · 26/11/2023 02:26

Aww god love you. I remember messaging you as I was going through a similar situation.
the best thing I can say now.
Get out of the shitty situation you are worth so much more.
if he feels anything at all he will come to you so until then.
If it’s ment to be he will come back to you with a proper commitment.
Don’t settle for less than your best.

Our lives are two short.

i found out the painful way. .
we've got our.

who’s just turned 16.
I took myself out the equation and left him and our son to have there relationship. For him to tell my boy he wants nothing to do with him nether. there’s 1 thing being heart broken.
Watching your child’s heart break at the same time I’ve never felt pain like it in my life.
the best is. He thinks he can still come in and out. One thing to hurt me. It’s very much a no once you’ve hurt my child.

he is saved in my contacts as.
if you don’t listen you will feel.

cause all he does is cause us pain n misery.

wish you all the happiness in the world

PatchworkSilver · 26/11/2023 09:41

An hour at a time.. then a day at a time. Know that nothing stays the same.
I was deeply in love with someone, years ago now, who was actually very bad for me. I knew it, but believed I couldn't ever be without him... almost couldn't breathe without him, I thought. Years later, I am nothing but glad I was released from him. I have a lovely husband now, and know that love and pain don't coexist. There will be much better to come for you, but for now, just do things for you... x

librarycards · 26/11/2023 10:24

Omg OP.

PrimroseSilk · 26/11/2023 10:43

I've changed my name just to reply to you.

I went through almoat exactly this. A secret relationship because we worked together, absolutely head over heels "in love" but he ultimately acted like a fuckboy and it took me FIVE YEARS to fully walk away.

Don't waste five years of your life.

I was also recovering from a traumatic divorce which left me very emotionally scarred.

My best advice is:

  • block all non-essential contact
  • find ways to avoid him at work. Transfer to another dept, office if you can (I went to work in a different dept on a different site and it helped)
  • work on your own self esteem through counselling
  • don't throw yourself into dating but go on a few dates just to distract yourself, have something to look forward to and remember that you're attractive and interesting
  • go on girls nights or just join a club to give yourself something to do.
  • keep telling yourself that someone who really loved you would not treat you like this

There is something much better waiting around the corner, I promise. As soon as I was able to free myself of my fuckboy, I met my now DH and we've been together a decade.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/11/2023 11:24

OP - I've been there and I notice you're saying one that I said at the time - I'm being controlled by him. I remember sitting in a church one lunchtime sobbing and the vicar coming to talk to me. I poured my heart out and one of the things I said was 'I feel like he's got control over me' - and the response -'who gave it to him?'

Sorry to sound hard but he's not controlling you - you're giving that power to him and he knows it and is using it to hurt you.

This man is not worth the shit on your shoe. Please look at PrimroseSilk's advice. Are you still doing the therapy?