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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:02

Any help/guidance/support would be very much appreciated. I’ve been having some very dark thoughts. This man told me my son who he has known for six years would “be better off with his dad”. He also regularly says “I’m mad”, his “kids never liked me” so much more. I have loving parents, a wonderful son, good friends I feel so bloody weak and disgusted with myself for this terrible situation.

OP posts:
qqq82 · 03/04/2023 14:02

I usually lean towards not getting an abortion in most cases but in this case even I would go for the termination.
It's very early days in the pregnancy so I'd get it over and done with and not have any ties to this horrible man

Maray1967 · 03/04/2023 14:05

If I were you I would terminate this pregnancy- although you might not need to. Hopefully nature will do it for you.
He is not a man to spend your life with.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:05

I just wanted to add that my Mum can’t stand him, she thinks he has treated me badly for years and they were so proud of me when I kicked him out last August 😞I haven’t told them I was seeing him again because I knew they would think it was an utter mistake and be worried for me. I feel so very stupid.

OP posts:
LiliLil · 03/04/2023 14:05

It does sound like the pregnancy may not be viable anyway so the decision may be taken out of your hands, but in your circumstances I would absolutely terminate the pregnancy x

Whataretalkingabout · 03/04/2023 14:06

Don't overthink this OP. Do what you know is best for you and your son.

Stop all contact immediately with this horrible man. Love yourself. You deserve your own kindness. You can do it!

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 14:06

I would terminate in your position, too, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 03/04/2023 14:06

Your life is not a mess.

Have the termination.

Don't see him again. Cut him off completely. Once and for all.

You and your son will be fine.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:13

I had such hope for myself and my son, I was going to start to learn to drive next month, had money saved for a car, we have been potentially offered brand new social housing in a lovely cooperative scheme..I’m working and I provide for him the best that I can..and now it feels like all of that optimism is crashing down around me. All I see is that I’m a weak, pathetic woman that can’t get it right when it comes to relationships. I was scared to be “alone” but I so wish I had stuck to my guns and stayed strong last year and I wouldn’t be in this mess now 😞

OP posts:
qqq82 · 03/04/2023 14:15

@Inamess2022 I'm terrible with relationships too . You're pissed off with yourself for going back and I know that feeling well but now you will move on and given time things will be much better and you will feel much better once the dust settles .

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:15

This was part of an email that was sent to me yesterday. I have spoken to woman’s aid and they said he is an extreme abuser 😞

My life is an utter mess
OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:16

I know I am none of those things he has said about me. But it’s upset me profoundly.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 03/04/2023 14:17

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:15

This was part of an email that was sent to me yesterday. I have spoken to woman’s aid and they said he is an extreme abuser 😞

He's a real nasty bastard isn't he? I hope you know you're none of those things - or else why would he have been with you? He just doesn't like that you're strong enough to carry on and be happy without him.

LiliLil · 03/04/2023 14:19

Block him on every channel, it is not you it’s HIM.

He is an abuser, this is not your fault and you will be so much happier without him in your life. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time, you’ll get there xx

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:20

I’m degree educated, I’ve got a good job in the social care sector, I work hard, I hold down my home, I do 70 percent of the school runs and school admin. Because my ex husband and I usually correspond by text and email and aren’t really “friendly” per se that was wrong in his eyes. However we have a shared access routine that really does work and is beneficial for our son. He is flourishing at school, has lots of friends and is so well loved. My ex partner thought he was better than me because he could go in his ex wife’s house, have tea with them, go to functions etc. I used to get told that “my way” would screw my son up.

OP posts:
TomatoSoup69 · 03/04/2023 14:27

You are ok. It will be ok. Block him, stay away from him, and if needed, terminate this pregnancy. Just take care of yourself and your son. You can do this. Don't spiral. x

Lakeyloo · 03/04/2023 14:37

You know what you need to do OP.
Have the termination (if needed).
Remove all evidence of this nasty piece of work from your life. If you ever feel the need to let him back in, just revisit this thread and remember how he makes you feel.
Take the new house (DO NOT let him know where you are), and start those driving lessons.
Lastly, remember to update us in another years time when life is good !

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:44

Thank you so much everyone it’s really helping. I appreciate every single piece of support truly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:50

I’ve got an appointment with BPAS this week. I don’t feel anything towards this pregnancy, I’ve known a week..god I know that makes me sound horrendous. I’ve been up and down everything in my head and my overriding feeling is I don’t want to go ahead..I may have always wanted a second child but certainly not in these circumstances and I have been up and down all the scenarios (eg leaving him off certificate etc). But I know he would make my life hell. I can’t do it anymore to my son and I we deserve so much better. Sadly I don’t feel like I can or will be in another relationship again I don’t trust men 😞😞

OP posts:
candlewicket · 03/04/2023 14:54

OP I would terminate in this situation and I know how tough the decision would be. I just simply could not have a man like that in my life at all

Backstreets · 03/04/2023 14:57

How awful op. Your ex is a terrible man.

JaneyGee · 03/04/2023 14:58

qqq82 · 03/04/2023 14:15

@Inamess2022 I'm terrible with relationships too . You're pissed off with yourself for going back and I know that feeling well but now you will move on and given time things will be much better and you will feel much better once the dust settles .

The happiest people I know are all single. In fact, the happiest person I've ever met, someone with a busy social life and loads of friends, has never been in a relationship at all. I often wonder if it's worth it. We place way too much emphasis on romantic relationships.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 15:00

Any tips on how to control my mental health during this time because it has been very up and down, I do have sertraline but stopped taking it for a bit because of this situation (stupid I know). I am alternating between sobbing my heart out to trying to feel more optimistic for the future. It’s very very hard 😞 I can’t shake the feeling that I am weak and useless 😞

OP posts:
AHugeTinyMistake · 03/04/2023 15:06

You're not weak and stupid. You obviously have a kind heart and try to see the best in people - and it's back fired.

Don't beat yourself up about what you can see now were unwise decisions. With the information you had at the time you thought it was ok, now you can see it isn't. Use that knowledge to make better decisions going forward.

Terminating this pregnancy can be you closing the chapter on this man - no need for any further contact with him, you can just move forward and make a happy life with your DS.

Do see your GP if you are struggling - it's not weak, it's normal. Get some help so you can be the best mum for your son. Good luck OP.

DoTrollsShitInTheThreads · 03/04/2023 15:07

I feel that this is the start of a new beginning for you. You have learnt a lesson and will never go back with him again.
Terminate if you need to. Move when you can and do not give out the address.
Stay strong, enjoy being with your son, and look forward to your new start. Xx