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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 16:56

I am “lucky” In the respect this is very very early days, so I can take the pill at home. To be honest I’m hoping it can all be resolved by next week, it’s a painful decision but I know going ahead would be so detrimental for my son and I, it would set my relationship back with my parents back again (we used to be really close but when he was involved it made it incredibly awkward and they would schedule visits when he wasn’t around) , there are so many viable reasons not to progress. And as I’ve said before the idea of having a tie to this abusive person for 18 years feels me with terror.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 16:57

I feel so very worn down with it all. Dealing with him..oh just to add he is 16 years older than me. Perhaps I should put this on the age gaps thread as a warning 😞😞

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 03/04/2023 17:00

Terminate. It's ok to prioritise yourself. The sooner, the better.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 17:09

I can only describe this all as like living in a bad dream at the moment and hoping it will all get better soon.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 03/04/2023 17:12

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:13

I had such hope for myself and my son, I was going to start to learn to drive next month, had money saved for a car, we have been potentially offered brand new social housing in a lovely cooperative scheme..I’m working and I provide for him the best that I can..and now it feels like all of that optimism is crashing down around me. All I see is that I’m a weak, pathetic woman that can’t get it right when it comes to relationships. I was scared to be “alone” but I so wish I had stuck to my guns and stayed strong last year and I wouldn’t be in this mess now 😞

All these good things can still happen , just get rid of this vile man and don't look back , you made a mistake ,move on .
I tend to be on the keep the baby side but in your shoes i absolutely would not keep it.

Tulip2478 · 03/04/2023 17:38

So sorry you are going through this OP. You deserve so much better. That screenshot has shocked and saddened me. How dare he make you feel like that. My H is also 16 years older and sometimes it does make them for controlling. Wishing you the best with your decision you have to do what's right for you.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 17:39

I suppose this horrible thought is how can someone be so utterly bloody ruthless. How can they apparently dote over their existing children and be “dad of the year “ but be so bloody heartless and lacking in empathy. Please someone help me try and understand it’s like that thought is torturing my mind 😢

OP posts:
DoTrollsShitInTheThreads · 03/04/2023 18:06

You're trying to make reason out of the unreasonable. Don't. You're not going to understand his mind. How could you?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 03/04/2023 18:11

You will never understand.

get some counseling to help you let it go.

he really is not worth all your anxiety.

excelledyourself · 03/04/2023 18:12

You sound like a good mum, and a good person, OP.

Don't tie yourself, or any child, to this awful man.

Wipe him from your life as of this moment, get some therapy, and do all the things you planned and hoped for. Know that you deserve them, and more.

You can do this.

Hotvimto3 · 03/04/2023 18:14

I wouldnt have this baby from someone who has children with an utter psychopath
Your life will be hell

StellaAndCrow · 03/04/2023 18:19

He is horrible, and he knew that you were able to be manipulated, and he took advantage of that.

The good thing is you know for sure now that trying again isn't worth it. It sometimes takes a couple of goes to leave.

You're right to really not want a child with him. What he wrote to you is awful - fancy saying such nasty things to potential mother of his child. Bin him off!

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 18:23

He actually has scared me before..I know there is no use of trying to make sense of his horrible words or actions. Maybe you just end up being so brainwashed you think “is it me, am I the abnormal one?!?” It’s been a horrendous time

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 18:28

I know what will happen next it will be the same old routine, the crying and the saying “oh I’m so sorry I was just doing it in “retaliation” I’m so done with it all. Prior to this he has the audacity to say he “had treated me better than my ex husband or any man”. I can’t honestly believe it

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 18:29

I feel like the biggest nearly 43 year old moron that ever existed to have been in this dynamic on and off now for seven years. I thank god my son is doing well at school and is such a kind and caring little boy. I must have done something right I suppose 😞

OP posts:
LiliLil · 03/04/2023 18:31

Google the cycle of abuse.

He will be back, with the love-bombing and the promises to change and it will all start again. You need to block him.

There’s nothing wrong with you, he has made you feel like shit but it doesn’t mean what he says is true. You need to cut him off completely, it’s the only way you will recover.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/04/2023 18:32

I am so sorry. What a difficult situation for you. I'm with the others though, I would not have this man's baby. 💐

xPaz · 03/04/2023 18:34

You poor thing, he sounds horrendous, an absolute bustard
Look after yourself. Xx

GracePooleslaugh · 03/04/2023 18:44

Block him on all platforms and don't entertain anymore of his bullshit.

It doesn't matter why, it matters that you are out of the situation. That's what you need to focus on.

Do things for you and your son's wellbeing.

Scot75 · 03/04/2023 18:47

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 18:29

I feel like the biggest nearly 43 year old moron that ever existed to have been in this dynamic on and off now for seven years. I thank god my son is doing well at school and is such a kind and caring little boy. I must have done something right I suppose 😞

You are certainly not a moron. You’re getting out. My DD has been in therapy because of her now deceased step father. I made a big mistake and stayed with him. 25 years older.
since his death I have met someone lovely - I was 46 there is still hope and I’m trying to repair the relationship with DD because she can only take it out on me as step father is no longer there. Your son is still young enough.

BeautifulWar · 03/04/2023 18:52

I had such hope for myself and my son, I was going to start to learn to drive next month, had money saved for a car, we have been potentially offered brand new social housing in a lovely cooperative scheme..I’m working and I provide for him the best that I can..and now it feels like all of that optimism is crashing down around me.

Those great things are still there for you, OP, this is just a bump in the road. This horrible man has had done enough damage, don't let him derail you now.

Terminate if you are still pregnant (and that's never something I advise lightly), be free of this arsehole and go off and live a happy life with your son.

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2023 19:04

Please be strong and cut all ties with this arsehole. Don’t let him back in. He will carry on abusing you.

LexMitior · 03/04/2023 19:14

Darling, look at your sons future and yours.

Have an abortion. If you don't, you will be tied to this head wrecking bastard forever, who will enjoy ruining your life, your son's life, and the child (who will be manipulated and treated badly).

That is, incidentally, just how he likes it. It's why you are pregnant and it's why you need not to be.

HuggingtheHRT · 03/04/2023 19:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. This is not a good situation to bring a child into. For your own well-being, get a termination and never let this man get a foothold in your life again.

Sending you huge hugs, OP 💐

Cakeandcardio · 03/04/2023 19:19

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:50

I’ve got an appointment with BPAS this week. I don’t feel anything towards this pregnancy, I’ve known a week..god I know that makes me sound horrendous. I’ve been up and down everything in my head and my overriding feeling is I don’t want to go ahead..I may have always wanted a second child but certainly not in these circumstances and I have been up and down all the scenarios (eg leaving him off certificate etc). But I know he would make my life hell. I can’t do it anymore to my son and I we deserve so much better. Sadly I don’t feel like I can or will be in another relationship again I don’t trust men 😞😞

I can hear your pain here. I really think you are being way too hard on yourself. I think you just need to take it little steps at a time and be so kind to yourself. It's hard when you have been abused to this extent but you have so much going for you.