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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 06:51

Woken up feeling very low, just feel like spending most of day in bed until my son comes back later from his dads. Just feel very lost, angry and sad 😔

OP posts:
Scot75 · 04/04/2023 07:02

@Inamess2022 if you need to stay in bed do it.
Be kind to yourself.
Have a nice bath later and get yourself ready for your son coming home.
Emotional drain is exhausting.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 10:48

I just feel so angry as well. But I know that’s a negative emotion to hold onto.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 11:14

I do believe in some odd way this has happened for a reason however bad. I have a phone consultation this week and I am almost 100 percent on what I’m doing next, I know I could keep him off the birthh certificate etc but it would be so so hard, and there is so much I wanted to do and this would just massively hold me back. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. I wouldn’t be doing it for him I’d be doing it for ME

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 14:03

Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 10:48

I just feel so angry as well. But I know that’s a negative emotion to hold onto.

No! This isn't some negativity you're 'holding onto', this is a healthy emotion that you feel. Our feelings are messages. They're signposts. It's perfectly normal and average and standard to be angry when your boundaries are crossed: you're not holding onto negativity, you're having a healthy response.

This is the glitch in your thinking: you thing that your feelings are inconveniences, and you want them to go away. You can't see that they are there for a reason, and just like a bird feels stress when you step into its space, and it flies away, you feel anger now because your space has been stepped into. Would you say that the bird was holding onto negative emotions, or just maintaining a healthy distance from potential danger?

We are wild animals. Our feelings tell us things, and if we ignore them, they get frustrated and if we ignore that, they get despondent, and lose confidence in themselves. And that's where you're at.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 22:19

I want to thank everyone again for their really kind advice and non judgement. I actually feel a bit clearer this evening and know what direction I will be taking. I don’t want to progress with something that would attach me to him for life and I just really want to focus on and be the best mum I can be for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 22:23

Oh sorry I just wanted to say the new housing is (touch wood!) looking really hopeful! So it would just be great to not only emotionally move on but to physically move on from a house that has a lot of negative memories attached.

OP posts:
platanenweg · 04/04/2023 22:33

Wow, he's just projecting everything he feels about himself on to you.

I'm so sorry OP. I have an abusive ex like this and have to share two children with him. Our second child was conceived when I took him back and he walked out on us again. It's extremely hard dealing with him.

I can understand you wanting a termination. Perhaps you can just try to focus on cutting him out of your life and just wait for the next scan to confirm if the pregnancy is viable.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 04/04/2023 23:25

I feel so guilty for considering termination as I know I should maybe feel happy but my circumstances as so so wrong, and I feel like my mental health which is tenuous already will take a massive turn for the worse. You’re right he does make it all about him 😞

OP posts:
Lovingmynewbicycle · 05/04/2023 03:00

Don't feel guilty! There really is no need.

Look after yourself 🍀

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 10:06

Well tomorrow I go for another viability scan, it’s nerve wracking and makes me feel sad as in many ways I always wanted a second child, but certainly not under these circumstances. Plus being selfish I was getting used to the freedom of having a nearly 8 year old and carving sometime back out for myself at 43. The idea of going back to the start again, with a man who is so horrible, unpredictable and unreliable and who I also want to cut ties with fills me with dread. I’m almost 100 percent now of what direction I want this to go in. I’m just sad it’s come to this.

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 05/04/2023 10:31

Be strong. I think you've made the right decision. Your ex would make your life hell and you and your son deserve a good life.

I cut off my abusive ex and my life is so positive and progressive now. I was going round in circles with him and everything else suffered - even my house was a mess as I couldn't think straight. Now everything is brilliant. You'll get there.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 10:45

Trythisforsize you are so right I felt as if I was trapped in a toxic awful cycle, everything was suffering, my work, my house, school admin…it’s amazing how it can put a cloud over every aspect of your life 😞

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 05/04/2023 13:06

It really does, and you think you're juggling it until you realise how productive you can be without these wasters dragging you down to the floor.

Do the thing, put it behind you, focus on your child - the future can be bright and full. You haven't done anything wrong. It's the best way forward. Life is hard enough.

Ihadenough22 · 05/04/2023 15:09

In your case I would have a termination if you need it. Bringing a baby into this situation is unfair on you and your son. Your mental health is to important to put it under any more pressure. Also at 43 and with a 7 year old it would be hard to go back to the baby stage.
The reality is that you got involved with idiot and you did not realise that he was an idiot.
You went back to him perhaps because you had enough of being alone.
Now you have realised what he is like because of how he has treated you and those texts message's. You have realised that you don't want to be with him as he is a nasty individual who treats people badly.

I get a termination. Tell him it over. Block him on all social media and on your phone. Tell him that if he contacts you again you will go to the police about him.
I hope you're new house comes up and you can move their. Make sure he does not find out where your living.

You're doing the best you can in your situation. You kept things civil with your child's father and work with him so your son has a happy life. Your son is doing well in school, has friends and is happy. Your doing well in work and hopefully soon you should have a new home.
You need to remember all you have achieved. Once you get this man out of your life things will improve. Go to your GP and get help with your mental health. If you have to take anti depressants for a while so what if they help you feel better. Then get your GP advice about coming off them gradually when you feel better.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 15:40

Thanks everyone for your advice so much. It has really helped me, I just hope I can now remain strong and look forward rather than back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 15:44

If anyone has any tips at all about what to do in moments of weakness or feeling low about myself I would appreciate it, as this is what got me into this mess to begin with. I don’t want to base any more of my self worth into whether I’m single or not, or feeling like I’ve got it all wrong in comparison with other people. I’m 42 and have spent 22 years in basically two rubbish long term relationships so I feel a bit jaded 😞

OP posts:
GoodChat · 05/04/2023 17:52

Get yourself out for a walk if DS isn't back, with a podcast. I strongly recommend The Phonebox Podcast. It has me laughing out loud.

It'll take your mind off things, even if it's only for half an hour.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 18:05

Thank you goodchat. Am dreading tomorrow and what happens next but I will deal with it in the best way I can 😞

OP posts:
GoodChat · 05/04/2023 18:14

Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 18:05

Thank you goodchat. Am dreading tomorrow and what happens next but I will deal with it in the best way I can 😞

You know we're here. I know it might not be what you need but at least you know there's somewhere you can write out all the thoughts you might not want to or can't speak out loud.

You'll get through this for you and your lovely boy. You both deserve freedom and happiness Flowers

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 18:21

I suppose I just have moments where I think am I really that bad, am I really that awful that I could be treated this way 😞 He has really done a number on me I’m starting to hate him I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then ever go through this again

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 18:26

I think it’s going to take me a long long time to get over the feelings of being made to feel like an absolute twat to put it bluntly, I’m not perfect (who is!) but I would never speak to someone the way he has me

OP posts:
Blueberry40 · 05/04/2023 20:02

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 14:15

This was part of an email that was sent to me yesterday. I have spoken to woman’s aid and they said he is an extreme abuser 😞

OP you haven’t messed things up, he is an abuser and now he is out of the picture again you and your son will thrive. Just give yourself a little time to recover.

Also, he is also a complete idiot who can’t spell loathe and he then has the audacity to call you dense! It’s laughable really.

Don’t beat yourself up for falling back with him, I’m sure he can be very persuasive when he wants to be. You don’t have to have this baby, it sounds like you know in your heart that it would be better not to.

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:03

Inamess2022 · 05/04/2023 18:21

I suppose I just have moments where I think am I really that bad, am I really that awful that I could be treated this way 😞 He has really done a number on me I’m starting to hate him I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then ever go through this again

This isn't on you. This is on him. He could have had a lovely life with a family but his batshit attitude got in the way of that.

You'll be happy again. He won't stop being a bitter, twisted fool.

Zerrin13 · 06/04/2023 01:05

If he is really a narcissist then nothing will ever change. Narcs love causing chaos confusion and misery. Being tied to this man through a child will be extremely challenging and endless. You must do what is right for you but it is understandable why you feel it may not be right to continue with this pregnancy