My life is an utter mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

Sorry to crash the OPs thread but I so badly needed to read this this week. Thank you.

Hijack away ❤️ it was a great post wasn’t it I’m pleased it helped you too. Are you in a similar position if so sending solidarity x

Oh dear, you were in a weak position and the early days hormones are making it worse. Here is how to get a grip. Narcissistic traits are highly linked to genetics. You are justified in not wanting another one of him. Age wise too, mental health wise, don’t even think about it much, there is nothing to gain in this for you.

His message to you in page 1 is beyond disgusting. Get Women Aid or actually it’s enough if you even go to police and show them these gems. Coercive control is punishable by law so he can fuck off with his illness and awful personality and leave you alone. For up to 6 years in jail. You don’t need to be in fear of him, quite the opposite.

Havr only read first page of this thread there may have been progress. Huge hugs.

Notice how every sentence starts with ‘I’. That’s a narc trait.

The ONLY way to stop this shit is absolute no contact. Even on birthdays. Block block and block again. Change yr email change Yr phone yr address. Just block the living daylights out of them. Let them take their dad of the year self to another place that will be blessed to have them.

If anyone has any tips at all about what to do in moments of weakness or feeling low about myself I would appreciate it, as this is what got me into this mess to begin with.

yes, huge tip. Past is anger. Future is fear. Peace is in the present.

Listen you need good clearance from this wanker so you can calm down. Absolutely don’t link yourself to this git. Then once the dust settles and you block him via whack a mole, you need to remember…

Your son is only 7. You have taken him out of a shithole situation. You have so much time together before he grows up. Give him the best childhood ever. Let that positive relationship guide you to everything else better in your life. Play dates fun picnic trips to the pool. Just hug him tighter and each morning when you wake up decide that today will be a good day. As you get into the habit you will have to decide this less and less.

Huge support and hugs for you. Now go and have a good day. If I could make you a coffee I would. Make yourself smile and know out here we all care about your well-being and your son’s.

Thank you all so so much. I’m on my way to the appointment now. I just feel numb to be honest. I want to say thanks for recognising that about the parts of emails that I sent, one that it it’s truly awful language and 2 that it was literally “I” throughout. I really value all your input and if I could I would give you all massive hugs now (knowing that mumsnet doesn’t really love that sort of thing but I’m gonna say it anyway) The kindness of strangers has been enough to get me teary eyed multiple times this week and also to feel cared for. ❤️

Sorry I meant not parts of the emails that I sent, the parts of the email that I posted!

i actually read that email to the national domestic abuse hotline and she said that it was “extreme abuse”

Will be thinking of you today OP, hope you're ok

Yay, be strong. Thank God this is all early stages and you can detach yourself from this monster for good. Yes she is right it’s extreme abuse, of course it is. It belongs in police files. Believe me.

I mean it is little wonder you are feeling low, yr life is flashing before your eyes thinking this might tie you to him. Thank Goodness you live in this country and you can get yourself some distance, protection and deal with this in the best possible way.

I can’t think of anything worse than having to deal with him for 18 years and the unpredictability of it. My relationship with my ex husband has sometimes been tricky Co parenting wise (more in the early days not now) but it has never been anything like this. I realise there are solutions like leave him off the birth certificate etc but he is insidious. I can’t understand how he can proclaim to be this wonderful devoted dad and treat me like crap. I have at times felt like telling his kids and ex wife but what’s the point, they aren’t anything to do with me anymore, it was to be honest a relief last august to also be free of all of that emotional baggage. He made me feel abnormal if I dared say I felt uncomfortable in my own home when it was being monopolised by them all. I was then accused of “hating his kids” or “being antisocial”

Oh dear, honestly he is a joke. Don’t burden yourself with any other options or solutions, you don’t want to be manipulated for the rest of your life. No ties is best. Just get back to enjoying your precious time with your gorgeous boy and pat yourself on the back having protected him from this shite of a man, a brute, a horrid little shit that is capable of writing such crappy abusive messages. Allow yourself a sweet warm drink and generally pamper yourself, because letting go of an idiot and having no ties is heaven.

Well had my appt, am approx six weeks very very early days. I was hoping in a sense that nature would have taken care of itself but it hasn’t so now I have to deal with what happens next. There is a strong possibility I can take the pills by end of next week and manage it at home whilst my son is with his father. I just hope mentally I can stay strong and realise all of the right reasons I am doing this for. It’s certainly not for his convenience it’s for mine and my sons future.

Don’t really know how to feel now I suppose I’m just numb to it all 😞

Sending all the support a person dealing so bravely with something so big could need.
One day at a time.
I'm going through something emotionally challenging at the moment and last night was following this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4778921-song-lyrics-that-always-get-you?page=1

I listened to lots of the songs mentioned, late into the night, some were relevant to my situation, some were not, some brought back memories happy and sad. It was emotional but incredibly cathartic and I feel stronger today.

Maybe it might be helpful to you?

You are truly supposed to feel elated.

Run run and don’t look back. Just live your life and enjoy your future with your son.

I do feel a sense of relief about this…I’m not doing this for him I’m doing it for me and my family. It’s bringing a sense of clarity to me about what is really important in my life.

@Inamess2022 have you watched any youtube videos about relationships with narcissists, say Dr Ramani?
If you haven’t, it’s worth a watch.
You are dealing with a mental health condition, and once you and your resources represent no value to the narcissist, they show their true essence and turn absolutely evil. It’s impossible to explain their aggression and hatred from a healthy person’s point of view, you need to realise such people operate differently and are potentially dangerous.

They are unable to form meaningful relationships and even his own kids he would perceive and value exclusively as an extension of him, on a very shallow level, and will not be able to get to know them and value them properly as people in their own right.

Speaking as someone who was in a long marriage with one and now having to parallel parent everything is a struggle and he absolutely puts his own interests above those of his kids (not consciously).

I don’t believe for a second that your ex has a great relationship with his ex, she’s possibly just submitting into letting him do what he chooses because is worn out or too scared to stand up for herself. Or it is all a facade and you only know the version he presents and not the truth.

I never terminated a pregnancy(though had two early miscarriages) and though I’m normally very pro-life in your place I’d be terrified of consciously having any connection for life with an abuser (when I had my kids with my ex I knew of a term narcissist but had no idea of a narcissistic personality disorder and that it is an actual mental illness with my ex having every textbook symptom)

As for your pregnancy, the statistics say that between the ages of 40-44, 34% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.
So even though it’s progressing now there is a strong possibility it wouldn’t have down the line and you are just making it happen at an earlier stage which would make it at least physically less traumatic.

Do you have the option to take the pills and stay at hospital for the day? You may need morphine. I know I did, and I was only 6 weeks along. By tea time, I was better and able to get myself home.

Thank you so so much for all of your support and guidance. It’s weird I now feel surprisingly calm, I mean I’m dreading what’s going to happen next but the alternative is even worse. I absolutely love being a mum but I just couldn’t in these circumstances.

It’s strange I just feel a bit detached from it all, I started taking sertraline again which was the sensible thing to do.

So he’s managed to find a way to get through to me via my work phone by texting from another number I can’t believe it honestly I feel so angry , so foolish..the content is basically I reached out to you, you “launched” at me, No I tried to have a conversation because I was scared about my situation !!!!, now go and see if the grass is greener…it’s bloody crazy. I’m absolutely positive of my decision now. I’ll also be asking to change all numbers now it’s the only way.

I had to change my number to fully break ties with my ex. And I set up a new email and found a lovely new house.

Like you, we'd broken up and I was firm and proud about it - until I lapsed and even while I was doing it, I knew I was making a big mistake and setting myself back. Many of us have done it love, please give yourself a break on beating yourself up about lapsing. These men are VERY good at convincing you.

I remember freaking out in therapy with WA that my period was late - as broody as I was, I just couldn't have a baby with that man. He would treat the baby as a tool to abuse me further, and you don't just have 18 years - It's when that kid is grown up and you've to meet the wanker at the wedding, or the grandkids birthdays... you are never truly free.

I was too terrified to even test. But after that session, I tested and thankfully it was negative - but had it been otherwise I would have done exactly the same as you without a single regret.

20 odd years on and I still shudder with relief that I never tied myself to that abusive man by having a baby.

The very best of luck in the coming days. I hope your house move happens and I'd strongly urge you to change your number and email as well once you've moved.

Thank you so much. Unfortunately I have an uneasy gut feeling that things may kick off again 😞I really hope it doesn’t 😞