My life is an utter mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

And the relationship with him was traumatising, so if course you aren't going to easily pivot and keep your emotional balance, trauma scrambles you.
So what you're feeling is natural but won't be how you feel once you are further along the road of healing.
You're a good mum and a kind person. You trusted someone and they abused that. That's not your character flaw. People like him are very devious and difficult to spot.

The last thing my ex said to me as I was ending it was ' I love you, can't you see that you stupid cunt'.

The ultimate message for you to clearly prove he is a narc. What a gift.

Don't feel weak OP. These bastards don't target 'weak' women, they go for strong ones. They are more challenging so more satisfying to break them down! I'd support your having an abortion too in your particular circumstances, and like you, I couldn't have done it when I was younger, but you need to be completely free of this 'man'. x

I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore having a complete panic attack I can live with myself

Try to get some sleep my love. You are massively catastrophising your situation.

You are in a situation that will come good in the end.

We are all telling you that you are doing the right thing.

If these thoughts continue please call 111.

Well, I think you are doing so SO well. You are the opposite of weak and pathetic. Narc Man is just empty inside, he can't love, imagine just being a shell of a person like he is. And he knows it too which is why he is so jealous of you and is trying to reduce you to his level. {He is also unable to spell the word 'loathe'. It has an E on the end you thick narky fuckwit!! } These insults he throws at you fit him very well - weak and pathetic for starters.

Look at your son. YOU created and nurtured that fantastic little boy. How could that be the case if you are weak and pathetic? It couldn't! You need to get rid of this baby because it would be half serial-killer from its father's genes, and might well have emerged brandishing a knife, some duct tape and a sinister grin...

Having that man's baby was an impossible ask. It would absolutely have sent your mental health dangerously over the edge. You are already doing a fine job of parroting all the shitty things he wants you to believe about yourself which, unlike you, even he knows are not true. He knows they are not true because if they were, why would he have stuck around for so long, and be anything other than happy when you split up?

I also don't buy the my ex wife LOVES ME bollocks he is feeding you. Some serial killers wives might think their husbands are wonderful but that is because they are off killing other people's wives behind their backs so they aren't necessarily subjected to the nastiness at home that this narc revels in showing you . My ex wife loves me is just another way to manipulate and upset you. Don't let him win! You are doing so much better than you think you are, and so much better than he wants you to.

Hang in there OP, and reach out to your parents; sounds like your anxiety Bad Brain is doing a real number on you right now, but your parents really love you and will want to help. You will get through the grief of this, it is the right decision without a doubt for you and your boy, and you will be Ok. I promise x

(I know he's not actually a serial killer, but used the term for illustrative purposes)

Just concentrate on breathing, OP. Slow, deep breaths…in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4 and repeat. Nice and steady. Don’t think about anything but that slow, repeated count of 4. Give yourself permission to let go of all the other thoughts, and just focus on those slow steady breaths until you’re able to sleep.

Just read all this fir the first time

You have absolutely made the right decision

💯
Yes things are a mess but you are taking steps to sort it out

You are in the right. Stop blaming yourself

Consider telling someone, I think your parents will be supportive

You are bound to be feeling chaotic right now. This shows your are a caring person. It will ease

One day at a time

So after a bad 48 hours the termination was completed at home..I feel very sad as to be expected but ultimately a feeling of relief and whenever those strong guilt feelings come up which I’m sure they will I will try my hardest to remember how awful he was and the many, many reasons why this was the right thing to do for my gorgeous son and I. This experience has honestly put me off relationships for life 😞 I feel I need to focus on building my self esteem up again badly

You are another step forwards.

It is great that you will be able to now invest time and effort into nurturing yourself and your son and not a new baby and fending off his cruelty.

Sending hugs.

You will be a different person in 12 months from now I'm sure. Keeping following what makes you happy.

Thank you x and thank you for everyone that was so kind to me when I was spiralling a few days ago. I see many ups and downs ahead but ultimately to not have a lifelong connection to him is a relief even though I would have loved the child..I can only see it as a way of him further trying to exert control and be even more abusive in the future. He can now carry on his dad of the year act with his three kids but I’m sure one day they will also see his true colours. I’m just sorry for his ex wife more than anything that she’s stuck “Co parenting” with such a wanker!

I do believe in my future (although certainly not yet) there is capacity for me to meet someone nice and be treated well…but in the meantime I just want to focus on the good around me such as my son and friends. I also don’t want to ever again feel the need to reach out to him through the lonelier times..I suppose that’s the only thing that scares me if I ever feel sad and try and remember the “good” about him but I just know it’s all superficial and an act that doesn’t last long.

I'm glad you're through the next step OP. Yes a sad one but honestly the awfulness that would have been a life with him involved for 18 years and the likely impact he would have had on a shared child, you made the right decision. I really hope you can stay well clear now and rebuild things for you and your ds.

Thank you I’m praying it’s onwards and upwards. I love being a mum so much but the idea of being 43 a lone parent with limited support, a “dad” that would waltz in as and when he wanted, no freedom again, fighting him every step of the way when he chose to be difficult, dealing with all of his baggage again..I just couldn’t have done it. Also the way he has acted since finding out about the pregnancy has been despicable..not attending any appts, still twisting things round as though it is all my fault..he’s bad bad news. I remember even when he lived with my son and I (when my son was much younger) he barely did school run, nighttime routine, nappy change etc. it’s like he expected me to be grateful if he mowed the lawn or cooked dinner. Isn’t that what normal, kind men just do without expecting validation or praise?!!?

Great to hear you are done and doing better OP.

You have to guard yourself against going back in times of loneliness. Basics like not wanting to be a punchbag physically and got emotional outbursts should do the trick. Sadly it also means looking at why it was acceptable to overlook so much. Boundaries are worth so much more in the long run.

Could you write yourself a list of all his horrible behaviours. Or save his worst messages somewhere, then if you feel yourself wobbling you can look at it and stay well away?

Glad you are having moments of certainty amongst the storm of a million other thoughts and what if's.

Thank you everyone x oh yes I’ve saved all the particularly nasty emails into a folder and I certainly will look at that ahead if I ever feel tempted to go backwards again. Which honestly this time I really truly don’t. I’d rather be with my son and not be in any sort of relationship for a long long while.

Maybe I’m just scared all of this trauma will hit me at once, but I have counselling booked in, and I have friends who support..just don’t want to spiral again. Silly thoughts like oh now I’m 42 I’m going to be alone forever etc …god I wish there was a way to get those thoughts out!!

Being alone is far far better than being with an abuser.

Really great to hear from you and many hugs for the last couple of days
Baby steps become great strides

Thank you I love that saying ❤️

I think for me now just taking things day by day, I’ve also started the freedom programme online..and to not try and get eaten up by guilt and shame. That’s something that’s so important to me.

You fell for a psychopathic sleazy crafty prick who was very very charming and subtle and reeled you in bit by bit by bit and was extremely calculating. What normal person has a chance against someone like this.
Please be extra kind to yourself. You are the heroine who has made a very difficult choice but ultimately you have made tye best choice for the welfare of you and your son. You did good.
Thank god you are not related to him like his poor mother.
Can you report him or put him on that list of dangerous exes to save the next poor woman from his evil grip? You don't want anyone else to go through this.
Well done for extricating yourself! 👏👏👏

Yes I did start the hall rolling with the police, in many many ways I wish I had done it earlier. I suppose I felt that I possibly could help the next woman in my position, because I’m fairly positive this will happen again in his next relationship.