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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life is an utter mess

300 replies

Inamess2022 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 13:23

Well in a further update just spent the last 24 hours in hospital after fever, excess bleeding and very high heart rate. If life can get any lower than this I’d be surprised..hormones madly all over the place and haven’t been able to see my son since last week because all of this rubbish has occurred and I wanted him to be away from it all with his dad 😢😢 honestly after this sham I cannot see me being in any sort of relationship again. I’ve been left with a shit ton of trauma, trust issues the whole works. I’ve got counselling booked for issues surrounding the termination as unlike him I feel terribly guilty and sad (but also knowing it was the right thing) I genuinely think life couldn’t get much worse at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 13:25

I cannot believe I spent over six years of my life in this dysfunctional dynamic it makes me thing I am truly the mental one because god knows a stronger woman wouldn’t have put up with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 13:28

Where oh where do I possibly begin sorting through the shit that has become my life and being a good, stable mum. I don’t feel like the two correlate. I genuinely feel like my head might combust apologies for the woe is me output today but hospital has made me feel even sadder. Even a at home meant to be manageable abortion was catastrophic 😞

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:35

Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 13:25

I cannot believe I spent over six years of my life in this dysfunctional dynamic it makes me thing I am truly the mental one because god knows a stronger woman wouldn’t have put up with this.

People who were raised in dysfunctional dynamics feel at home in them. So, all you've done, like the rest of us with abusive partners or non-abusive partners, the same as everyone else: made yourself at home with someone who felt like home.

Stop making yourself special and important. You're an ordinary person, insisting that you stand out for being extra-specially bad. You don't. Millions of people have done the same or similar to you, it's really standard. Deal with the fact that it hurts, rather than trying to deal with how extra-specially, outstandingly, tragically awful a person you are. You're just normal, and you got into a bad relationship, and now you're out of it. And that's it. It's done. All the other bad stuff that happens, unless he comes knocking at your door, is only bad because you choose it to be bad. You could go for a walk now, and think about nothing but the breeze in your hair, and the warmth of the sun. You could do that any time. You could sit on the sofa, and listen to the rain outside, and think how nice it is to be dry. You could do that for hours.

It's up to you. I could spend the next hour thinking about all the awful things I've done in my life, and all the times I've made poor decisions, but I've got a piano lesson on Friday, so I'm going to do some practice instead, because that's how I want to live my life. Do you really want to live yours focussing on all the bad stuff? Because nothing bad is happening right now. You're fine. You're sitting in a room, looking at your computer or phone, and nothing is happening to you.

It's up to you. It's your life. Yours.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/04/2023 13:36

Please don't forget that your hormones will be in an absolute turmoil at the moment. Don't make any lasting decisions (except the one about keepin that tosspot out of your life), take it easy and be kind to yourself.

Sittwritt · 19/04/2023 14:44

You’re probably just suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It will take good time for this to settle. But it does, and it does always resolve itself so continue doing simple things and bringing up your child. And staying away from the maniac. And you will be fine.

Catoo · 19/04/2023 17:03

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:35

People who were raised in dysfunctional dynamics feel at home in them. So, all you've done, like the rest of us with abusive partners or non-abusive partners, the same as everyone else: made yourself at home with someone who felt like home.

Stop making yourself special and important. You're an ordinary person, insisting that you stand out for being extra-specially bad. You don't. Millions of people have done the same or similar to you, it's really standard. Deal with the fact that it hurts, rather than trying to deal with how extra-specially, outstandingly, tragically awful a person you are. You're just normal, and you got into a bad relationship, and now you're out of it. And that's it. It's done. All the other bad stuff that happens, unless he comes knocking at your door, is only bad because you choose it to be bad. You could go for a walk now, and think about nothing but the breeze in your hair, and the warmth of the sun. You could do that any time. You could sit on the sofa, and listen to the rain outside, and think how nice it is to be dry. You could do that for hours.

It's up to you. I could spend the next hour thinking about all the awful things I've done in my life, and all the times I've made poor decisions, but I've got a piano lesson on Friday, so I'm going to do some practice instead, because that's how I want to live my life. Do you really want to live yours focussing on all the bad stuff? Because nothing bad is happening right now. You're fine. You're sitting in a room, looking at your computer or phone, and nothing is happening to you.

It's up to you. It's your life. Yours.

Show quote history

OP this is good advice. Many many people have been in your situation. You will get through it.

Sounds like you have a healthy coparenting situation and a lovely DC. I’m sure there are many other good things in your life too.

Go easy on yourself for the next few days then start rebuilding one little step at a time x

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 18:25

Thank you again for all your replies. Spent most of the afternoon in bed after being discharged, feel absolutely shattered

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 18:27

I feel emotionally very raw and fragile..I have a Meeting about my potential new housing on Saturday that I have to attend so need to try and get a bit more of a hold on myself for then😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 19:17

I want so badly to not let this eat me up inside but sadly I’m the type to procrastinate and overthink and that worries me. I have first counselling booked in for tomorrow so praying that will help with clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 19/04/2023 19:43

I don’t think I can handle this anymore I keep crying on and off, I feel so so tired. I have friends that are there for me and have been great but I can’t keep on like this.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 19/04/2023 20:55

You are going to be ok OP, it's very early days and your body is still a mass of hormones. Don't worry you'll get through this. Things will likely seem a lot more simple this time next week. Hope you get a decent nights sleep.

poppettypop · 20/04/2023 21:25

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:35

People who were raised in dysfunctional dynamics feel at home in them. So, all you've done, like the rest of us with abusive partners or non-abusive partners, the same as everyone else: made yourself at home with someone who felt like home.

Stop making yourself special and important. You're an ordinary person, insisting that you stand out for being extra-specially bad. You don't. Millions of people have done the same or similar to you, it's really standard. Deal with the fact that it hurts, rather than trying to deal with how extra-specially, outstandingly, tragically awful a person you are. You're just normal, and you got into a bad relationship, and now you're out of it. And that's it. It's done. All the other bad stuff that happens, unless he comes knocking at your door, is only bad because you choose it to be bad. You could go for a walk now, and think about nothing but the breeze in your hair, and the warmth of the sun. You could do that any time. You could sit on the sofa, and listen to the rain outside, and think how nice it is to be dry. You could do that for hours.

It's up to you. I could spend the next hour thinking about all the awful things I've done in my life, and all the times I've made poor decisions, but I've got a piano lesson on Friday, so I'm going to do some practice instead, because that's how I want to live my life. Do you really want to live yours focussing on all the bad stuff? Because nothing bad is happening right now. You're fine. You're sitting in a room, looking at your computer or phone, and nothing is happening to you.

It's up to you. It's your life. Yours.

Show quote history

Every time you begin to overthink please read and re -read this out loud in into a mirror.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 09:28

Thank you everyone. I’ve been slowly recovering. I had a counselling session yesterday which really helped. I definitely feel clearer as to the reasons why I’ve gone ahead with the termination and although I still feel very sad and somewhat guilty I can feel that the overriding emotion is relief. I feel angry with myself that I allowed to let myself be treated this way and weak for letting him back in but I have to move on otherwise it could eat me alive and spoil my future with my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 09:31

I’m realising as well that I’ll never understand how some people can be so ruthless and uncaring and there is no point in trying to understand because the focus needs to be on my son and I. I only hope that this time round that I will remain strong through the lonely moments and keep myself busy.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 10:33

That's the key, OP. Realising there's no explanation you could ever understand, simply because you are nothing like him, is the key.

You can stop trying to work things out, and move forward, once you've got your head round that.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not the first, and you won't be the last to have to do this.

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. Flowers

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 15:00

Just been reading the step parents thread and it’s made me feel worse 😞😞just the parts about how a new baby bought everyone together etc. whilst I know that would never have been the case in my situation it’s hard, have I denied my son his only chance to have a sibling? Can I live with that 😞😞😞

OP posts:
LiliLil · 21/04/2023 15:04

Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 15:00

Just been reading the step parents thread and it’s made me feel worse 😞😞just the parts about how a new baby bought everyone together etc. whilst I know that would never have been the case in my situation it’s hard, have I denied my son his only chance to have a sibling? Can I live with that 😞😞😞

The only thing you have denied your son of is life with an abuser in his home.

He can’t miss what he doesn’t know.

You did the right thing x

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 21/04/2023 17:58

Siblings aren't always a positive addition to the older child. Personality clashes, toxic family dynamics... You're only reading the happy ending stories.
Read happy ending stories of single children families, there are loads of those too.
Try to distract yourself to limit how much self torture you can do.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 18:37

Thank you everyone so much again ❤️❤️I know in my heart I’ve done what is best for my son and I. I don’t doubt already that our home is calmer and nicer without a domineering older piece of work like my ex around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 19:20

I just want to cling onto the small bit of hope I have for the future…I don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up about everything

OP posts:
LiliLil · 21/04/2023 19:45

It’s all very raw and fresh right now.

With time, and therapy, that hope will get bigger and bigger and start to overshadow the feelings you’re having now

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 21/04/2023 20:27

You’re right it is all extremely raw now just hoping things get better ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 22/04/2023 12:55

Well today put my big girl pants on and went to housing meeting, was nice meeting new people and weirdly enough there was a couple with a baby there, I didn’t react how I thought I would..I assumed it would really get to me emotionally but it didn’t. Slight fear that I’ll have some massive emotional breakdown in a few weeks but I’m proud of myself that I attended today and made small talk (even when I initially just wanted to hide in bed!!) Films and cake with my boy later ❤️

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 22/04/2023 13:39

Well done - give yourself a pat on the back. Sometimes when you're going through bad stuff you can freeze and do nothing whilst your life slowly starts crumbling around you. You are getting out of bed, out of the house and getting things done. Though that's hard it's also healing and brings you a positive step step forward. That's very healthy and you will thank yourself as things fall into place.

The saying "a stitch in time saves nine" is there for a reason. Keep going! 🌹

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