My life is an utter mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

And I know you are in a mess but don't tell him and don't see him. Guys like this are very very good at sensing when you have some real emotional trauma. And then he will be nice nasty nice nasty nice until you are in a puddle of tears and have told him everything.

Just cried my eyes out because you’ve all been so kind and supportive. It’s so nice to know there are kind and decent people out there ❤️

The pregnancy is giving you the crystal clear clarity and strength you need to kill this connection stone dead, it is a catalyst for beneficial change and the termination will bring no suffering so early on.

Your lovely new home will be a haven from which you will gather strength and realise that your way and your life is just fine and your son and parents will be so proud of you.

Keep going, this is the dark before the dawn. 💪

You're not weak in any way at all.

You've been trying to manage a nasty piece of work and it's damaging you. Damaging you to the extent where you think you're weak.

Interesting he thinks he's a great guy for working in a charity. And bangs on about it. Who does that unless they know they have to constantly highlight how good / great / caring they are in case people see the truth?

I really hope you can eliminate this awful awful person from your life.

You sound like an amazing mum with a career who is planning a positive future for her son too.

Do keep us updated. Sending you strength.

Typing this through tears so sorry if it isn’t coherent..but for all of his telling me “I was acting like a victim” “I’m a victim player” I just know deep down that I don’t act like a victim, I’m the victim of him..and he would say stuff to me like “I’m a malcontent and I’m never happy”. I couldn’t comprehend it because I’m happy when I see friends, happy taking my son to panto or the cinema/park, happy going to the theatre or to a gig with my Mum..happy at parents evening knowing my son is doing really well. Even happy on my own reading a good book or watching something on Netflix. Sorry I’m rambling now just trying to get the emotions and feelings out ❤️

He gets a lot of pleasure in doing this to you.

Don't feel bad about crying. This is real thing and his idea is to try and bottle you up and get you to cry whenever he likes it.

Cry as much as you want. But don't ever speak to this scum bag man.

He's a victimizer.

So sorry you're going though this. It's your body and your right to do whatever is best for you.

He's a nasty piece of work, his email is proof of that. Block him and don't let him back in.

And don't beat yourself up thinking you're "pathetic". You're human! We all do things that we might think are pathetic at times. What is important is you're ok, you can get through this, you know what to do and you can do it and things will get better. You've got this.

You don't need to go through life being some super strong hero to be able to respect yourself - that's a standard no one can match up to. You are fine just being you. It sounds like you and your son will do great just the two of you.

You can do it OP. Just focus on end goal. You know your weaknesses now concentrate on your strengths. Onwards and upwards

You'll find that once you get some time and distance from him everything will become clearer and he'll lose his power over you.
I would recommend going completely no contact so he isn't able to get to you again.
Keep that screen shot and look at it if you find yourself wavering, he really is a nasty piece of work.
Don't be too hard on yourself and make sure you're looking after yourself, you're going through a hard time at the moment x

God please don't tie yourself to this bastard for life. You did so well getting free from him.

I hope this isn’t outing but he hasn’t got the brains to come on here anyway. The one email address I negated to block and I get this this evening. It’s truly a pattern and a script.

So utterly predictable and I haven’t in anyway responded. And yet still in the wording trying to make it seem like I’m the one with the issues. Crazy fucker 😞

There is nothing at all wrong with you, but there is a LOT wrong with him. You'll never 'understand' him, because he is wired up wrong. Have your abortion, block him on every possible channel, and congratulate yourself on a very lucky escape.

Feel like I’m having a panic attack now had to come lie down as can’t breathe. It’s too much it’s all too much

You're crying because it's a relief, because you don't usually get treated so lovingly.

But you can do this for yourself, and needing it from an external source is what keeps you vulnerable. Can you be kind and supportive to yourself?

the biggest nearly 43 year old moron that ever existed

and

I feel disgusted with myself

and

All I see is that I’m a weak, pathetic woman that can’t get it right

and

I feel so very stupid

and

I feel so bloody weak and disgusted with myself

These are all horrible things to say about you, and you're the one who's saying them. In the nicest possible way, you are nothing special: you are just like the rest of us. You behave in ways you've learned, to deal with circumstances. There's nothing unusually rubbish or crappy about you; you made mistakes, and we have all made mistakes.

There is a part of you that is so upset now, because you never listen to her. You never respect her. It's the part of you that does 'feelings'. She feels bad, and you call her wrong. She feels upset, and you tell her she's stupid. She feels hurt, and you tell her that she's weak. Can't you tell her something different? We have, and it made her (and you) cry with relief.

You are responsible for you. Just like when you are responsible for a child. When we turn 18, we are deemed responsible for ourselves. We don't need our parents to look after us any more, not because we don't need looking after, but because we are able to look after ourselves. Think about the way you are looking after yourself. Is it the way you'd look after anybody else, if they needed looking after? Would you tell someone else that they were weak, pathetic, stupid, a moron, that they couldn't get anything right? You will continue feeling unsupported until you step up, and recognise that you are in charge of looking after you, and that's an active role. You have to look at situations, like you would with a child, and see if they're working. Do they make me feel good? No? Then let's leave. What would you say to a bullied child? 'Don't engage with the bully, darling. just walk away. You don't need to prove anything to them, and it'll just get worse if you stay around them'... right? Not 'You are stupid, weak, and a moron.'

Take responsibility for yourself, and decide what would make you feel best. Him in your life, or not? Continue the pregnancy, or not? Call yourself nasty names, or not?

Look after you. You are the person that you are responsible for taking care of. Try to care, and act in a caring way, otherwise you stay vulnerable and unhappy.

I agree, please look after yourself.
Check out the work book from kirsten neff phd and Chris germer phd. I did the exercises, one chapter a week. It helped me a lot. It's called the mindful self-compassion work book.

F*cking hell OP what a piece of work he is. CONGRATULATIONS for waking up to his bullshit. We're all looking for love and connection and everyone makes bad choices sometimes; don't sweat it. But choose you now. I'd do everything you can to put you and your son first now. Just pity him because what has come out of his mouth ONLY reflects how he sees the world. Get rid. You're much more worthy of your love x

Stop justifying how amazing you are! It's not necessary x we all know that you are awesome! He's projecting! Typical narcissist thunder twunt!

He probably has the relationship with his ex wife like that because he's beaten her into submission and it's easier for her to conform. I sometimes find myself in these situations with my ex husband and honestly it's not because I want them... he just manages to find a way in.... cos he's a cheeky fugger too!

I'm glad to hear that you are in contact with women's aid.... look at there freedom program it was a godsend to me.

Honestly, I couldn't even think for myself before... my extremely messy divorce was 12 years ago but I don't lie when I tell you that my life has been like the rise of the phoenix since working on myself - self esteem, self care, unconditional positive regard.

Whatever happens with this pregnancy make the decision for you and your son. It's not ideal that he's a terrible father and abusive, but he doesn't have to be present and the police can put a lot in place to support you. A good example is that those emails you are receiving are harassment you can report that xx

Take good care of yourself xx and be kind to yourself xx just my opinion, but I think you should confide in your family and friends xx they know you and will probably surprise you x my life has recently changed dramatically and boy... I'm glad I had the courage to share my news although it was unexpected my support network has been phenomenal 😘

Thank you everyone again. I feel comforted but I’m lying here in bed feeling also so very alone. Have started back on meds and hoping they will help again.

I had an ex who sent me similar kinds of messages when we were on the rocks and I was about to end things. I also let him back into my life in a weak moment, so I understand how you feel. These kinds of abusers just seek to break strong women down because they feel threatened by us. But you can definitely fix this once and for all, and put an end to the abusive situation - stay strong and do what you know you need to for you and your son. Sending hugs xx

Yes, give yourself a few days... stopping meditation cold turkey style in a calm normal situation will bring you a lot of discomfort so whilst tensions are high it'll be a good idea to take them and seek medical advice on how to wean off them xx

Try to get some rest xx maybe listen to a podcast xx

Ill recommend Rob Becketts and Josh Widdicombes parenting hell podcast on Spotify xx that'll cheer you up xx 😘

Speaking from experience such men are highly manipulative and 'hide in plain sight'. You have done nothing wrong - sadly there are a lot of not very nice men out there who don't treat women well. Don't doubt yourself and don't get embroilled in what he says to you - ignore it and cast it aside - it is all nonsense and a sign of his instability not yours. Once you cut contact you will be relieved and be able to make decisions which are best for you. You are worth a million times what he is - that's why they do it - to bring you down. Don't have a child with this man - my ex has spoiled my life because we share children so I can't fully get away. I keep contact to a minimum but it is still awful for me.

You’re not stupid. We all make mistakes. And it’s important to have IRL support. When you feel isolated and alone, it’s easier for these manipulative people to take advantage and up the abuse because they feel they can get away with it. You are doing the right thing and the important thing is that you’re safe.

If you haven’t done so already, please block his number and don’t let him contact you again. And if he tries to contact you or see you again and try to turn on the charm, report it. You may even need professional help to undo all the trauma and mental abuse but you should be proud of yourself that you’re finally free

It takes many incidents for women to walk away. And some do keep going back so you weren’t alone in that. And that didn’t make you stupid. He was just good at lying and deceiving. You deserve better and you will one day look back and be proud of how far you’ve come

Complete no contact with this utter twat OP. I agree with all the advice here. Don’t have his child. If he turns up anywhere report him.

Be kind to yourself this next week or so. You sound very anxious and should speak with your GP about something to help with that.

Try not to overthink anything he has said or done. You’ll never understand it. It’s all deflection to stop you noticing that there is some kind of black hole at his core.

Sounds like you have a bright future ahead for you and your boy.

Xx

I was in the same boat as you 10 months ago, bar the pregnancy.

I have a son, he had 3. He thought he was bloody marvellous but he was emotionally and verbally abusive.
When I finally finished it and totally blocked him everywhere a mist of calm gradually descended over everything. I felt so safe again. I could relax with my son. We could do things we wanted to do again.
Block him to avoid the ways he will try to manipulate his way back into your live. You don't need his drama.

Take the sertraline, take back your calm world. Your son sounds wonderful, let him be your life and you his. Have a wonderful summer.