My life is an utter mess

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I posted on here last year when I was just in a complete state, I was in a verbal and at time physically abusive relationship. He was a typical narcissist outwardly nice, kind caring to his three kids from previous marriage, fantastic at “co parenting” etc etc. But to me there was also another side, he didn’t like it if I felt uncomfortable about his kids staying and basically monopolising my whole house and trampling over mine and and my sons time..if I ever said anything I was accused of being “jealous” of “hating his kids”. There’s so much more I could say that was unhealthy. It got to aa point last august where to be honest I began to be scared of him so he left and it was horrendous. I am so so stupid and try and believe in the good side of people so after two months of no contact and being slowly on the way to healing I let him back in. I know I am stupid. I am a professional, fairly intelligent woman but I was sad and lonely and didn’t recognise that I needed to go through that process. Anyway to cut a long story short I’m nearly 43, had some strange bleeding took a test last week and discovered I’m pregnant. I was utterly shocked, I had already decided a month before this result to cut all ties for good as it had got toxic again 😞😞 This week since I have found out has been utterly awful. He has disappeared off to his house, shouted at me, sent me vile emails..I had an early scan last week and they couldn’t see a heartbeat just a sack..I’m going back this week again. It sounds callous but I don’t want this baby, I don’t want a lifetime commitment with him, I didn’t recognise that I was doing well with just my son and I, plus he gets on really well with my ex husband and we have an excellent shared access system set up. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here but this person is extremely abusive, verbally awful and has shoved/pushed/etc. Am I justified in wanting a termination. I’ve had one many many years ago when I was a lot younger and it was mentally catastrophic but this doesn’t feel like it would be because of the terrible circumstances 😞😞😞

OP, I had an abortion when I was much younger which affected me for years, I got pregnant last year at the same age as you and for v different reasons (too many kids, worn out) knew I couldn’t go through with it. Had a very early abortion, not even sure if it was viable, and I’ve been surprised how little it has affected me. If I was you I would just go ahead and make an appointment, the earlier the easier it will be on you, it sounds like you have a good life with your son, you don’t want to be forever linked to this abuser.

A termination is a valid choice for your body. It is not heartless, or cold, or callous. Giving a baby an abusive father isn’t a “good” option either.

You have to do what’s right for you and your son and you have no reason to feel bad about ANY decision that you have to make on that journey.

It may be that the pregnancy isn’t viable anyway. And you don’t have to feel sad if that’s the case too. You can feel how you feel and that’s okay.

You don’t need justification for having a termination. It’s completely your choice and any decision you feel is right for you is perfectly justified. You do what you need to do. See your GP and get back on meds and concentrate on moving forward with your son. You are incredibly strong and brave and this chapter of your life can be over very soon.

I personally would terminate the pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

If he'd said 'You are a 6 legged alien from Mars, and your hair is made of yoghurt', how would you have felt about that? Would it have upset you at all, or would it make you think something about him? And, if it made you think something about him, what would that be?

I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago. I was in an on/off relationship with a very abusive man (not saying I was perfect either/ tbh we brought out the worst in each other). He had taken over my life and shredded my confidence with his constant put downs. Anyway after we broke up I found out I was pregnant. After agonizing over it for two weeks I had an abortion. It was an awful thing to go through mentally but honestly am so so glad I did it - the thought that I could have had his baby and been tied to him for the rest of my life makes me feel physically ill.

Start taking your meds again and call your GP. You can self-refer to therapy and while you're pregnant they'll treat you as a priority.

It sounds like the bits of your life that aren't tied to him are great. Good job, DS doing well, learning to drive, potential new housing, tolerable relationship with ex. You're already winning! This guy is a nasty bastard - please don't give his views any credence. Remove him from your life.

Your life isn’t a mess, he’s just making you feel like it is, he’s distorted your reality. By the sounds of it your life is going in the right direction now, going back to him was a blip. You can get back on that pathway and leave him where he belongs, behind you.

I'm one for saying nobody has to justify a termination, but as you feel that you do, it’s a choice between you and your son or a cluster of cells. If you have this man’s baby you will destroy your mental health and possibly your son’s, too. Cut all ties.

If you do not want to have the baby you should have the termination.
You don't have to justify it or anything else. However, you have very good reasons for doing so.
See it as saving your own mental health and protecting your son and his future.

Have no connection with that horrible abusive piece of shit at all. There should be no ties and no communication.
Your life is not a mess. You need to get rid of that headfuck.

Thank you so much everyone. I see some hope in the future for my son and I, but I know now that all ties need to be cut with this toxic person. It makes me so angry because outwardly he works for a charity, bangs on about what a wonderful caring dad he is, a fantastic co parent etc etc. It makes me sick actually

This is man who has two daughters and would absolutely hate to see them get hurt in anyway , but has called me all sorts of terrible names, been physical with me, bruised me, smashed things in my house: I thank god my son wasn’t aware of most of this. He was clever it usually happened when he was at his dads 😞But I knew my son was becoming aware of the unhappy environment hence why he left for good in August. I felt stronger then than now 😞

Oh also OP just to add to my anecdote, I actually feel that I did not only the best thing for me but for the embryo too. I think he or she would have grown up being used as a pawn by their father and I think I would have ended up suicidal and their life would have been very turbulent. I think it was best for me and for them that they were never born.

Yes, in your position I'd terminate. You are clear that you don't want a baby, and certainly not with this abusive man. I really hope you haven't already told him you're pregnant, if you have, tell him you've lost it. Don't give him ammunition to use against you, he will certainly throw it in your face and use it as another way to be abusive to you.
Just get yourself to the clinic and arrange the termination asap, if nature doesn't take it's course sooner.
Now you've decided to get rid of this abuser, your life will not be a mess, it sounds like in other ways it's pretty good and you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

It’s really frustrating when you’re still faced with wondering why someone is such an absolute piece of shit, and how they get away with it, how they convince others etc. but you just have to leave it be.

Toxic narcissistic people do not have a ‘good side’, they have a manipulative side that serves the nastiness by one way or another. You have to convince yourself there is no path back for this man. If you yourself still feel that weakness (I mean this kindly, I do get it), then just mentally use your son - ask yourself does my son deserve this man, does my son benefit from this man being in his life?

If you are able, look at counselling with something like BetterHelp, they do discounts but not sure the threshold.

I feel disgusted with myself that I’ve allowed this excuse of a person Into mine and my sons life, he would always play the role of stepdad but by the end it never felt genuine, for instance he would come in ask my son how his day was then basically not really engage with him until it was time to say goodnight. And he’d say stuff like oh I treat all four of them equally but again that was not the case. Also can I just add I don’t know if this is a common theme with these sorts of people but if my son had a bit of a meltdown, or was a bit grumpy I’d get told “he’s manipulating you because he’s soft”. And I just KNEW that was the biggest load of crap. But yet somehow these insidious idiots get in your head

He did it all to wear you down. He was the 'perfect' dad and you were always the one in the wrong so that you relied on him. He wanted to break your confidence so you didn't dare challenge him and prioritised him because he was 'right' and you felt you needed him.

Goodchat thank you so much. I can’t tell you how accurate your message was ❤️

I know in my heart I’m a good mum, I’m not perfect (who is!) But we have a lovely relationship, I can be soft with him but he’s 7 and we are basically a team..I know I always felt more relaxed with him when my ex wasnt around..he was also very nit picky..banging on about not being hyper “organised” and not being anally retentive. I can’t understand how his ex wife likes him so much and would support him…because how could he have not done all of these things to her and if they were so functional why would they have even split in the first place.

I’m really anti abortion but in your situation i would do it without a thought. It does sound like the pregnancy may not be viable anyway , so wait for the scan. As others have said , bringing a baby into this awful mess would be cruel to the baby .
Hes an absolute bastard. You’ll be well rid There is no point blaming yourself for taking him back, it achieves nothing. Look forward now. Block him, ignore him, move on. There’s a better life ahead.

You are not a bad person, he is. Every aspect of your life that isn't this horrible man sounds really positive.

Your son sounds lovely and you sound like a good mum. You have a good co-parenting relationship with your ex which is really great and your son really benefits from this. You have a good job and a nice home. Honestly, you sound great.

He's the horrible one and he's treated you terribly.

You don't need to justify your choice to anyone and terminating a pregnancy does not make you a bad person. There are times when it is 100% the right thing to do. You already have a child who needs his mum. You are putting your son first and I would do the same.

Please get back on your meds, get into therapy and block that repulsive man so he can't upset you anymore.

Please try to be kinder to yourself ❤️

Thank you. You have all been so kind. I suppose it makes me see that there is a life ahead for my son and I that could be so much better ❤️My ex has really worn me down over the years and made me believe his lies 😞

Agree with PP about therapy and getting back onto meds. I’m absolutely pro choice and have had a termination in the past. Only you are judging you and ending this pregnancy is the best for all concerned. This guy sounds like an absolute bastard and you don’t want to have to have him in your life.
Take care of you and your wee boy.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. We have all let someone back in that we shouldn't have.

Re the Sertraline. I am on low dose antidepressants and I am going through a difficult divorce.

I tried cutting down but actually found myself in a much worse place. I saw my GP who suggested I double my dose. That was several weeks ago and I am feeling much calmer.

I agree with others, you are finally ready to start a new life without this bully. You should have the termination, so you can go on with your life.