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Original poster

Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

272 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 17:28

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

OP posts:
embarrassed23 · 30/03/2023 17:46

It wouldn't bother me that he had hooked up with men but the secrecy would bother me. You would expect after a year of being together he would be open about his sexuality (be that bisexual or whatever else).

QuacketyQuack · 30/03/2023 17:47

Definitely would bother me.

Waydown · 30/03/2023 17:54

Yes it would bother me. I'd be like you in that it's not infidelity and he's allowed to have previous partners so I'd feel I shouldn't be bothered but I would be.

qqq82 · 30/03/2023 17:55

It would bother me

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:57

Id assume it maybe didn't work out with his wife as he had been living a lie. Is actually gay or at least, wants to sleep with men,but couldn't do that whilst married.

So got out, diddled around a bit but now needs another woman so he can look respectable (aka: a beard). And his little reveal was to test how you feel about him sleeping with men. Wondering maybe if you arent bothered with that...maybe you might not also mind him having sex with men on the side perhaps. Or maybe it was a drunken tiny step admission as he's still wrestling with the idea of being gay and can't admit it, even to himself.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 18:00

What does he mean hooked up. Just chatted, went on a date or had a sexual relationship. If it's the latter run for the hills. He might well be gay. He needs to sort himself out before he embarks on any new relationships.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 18:01

I thought you had just met. Sorry I misread your post.

ditalini · 30/03/2023 18:01

So he was in a long term heterosexual relationship from a young age.

When that ended he experimented with same sex "hook-ups" (3).

Then had two further heterosexual relationships, the second of which is you.

He may have been bi-curious and then decided it wasn't for him. He may be bi but men aren't "for relationship purposes" (not uncommon for bi people to be attracted to both sexes but have a preference for relationships rather than just attraction/sex).

Either doesn't really matter unless you think he's going to be unfaithful to you. If you break up it's no skin off your nose who he's with next.

It's unreasonable to think he's more likely to be unfaithful because he's bi.

Desperatelywantinganother · 30/03/2023 18:02

They’ll be some posters on soon to tell you you’re a horrible biphobic bigot OP.
But honestly, some things aren’t worth analyzing too hard. It bothers you. It would bother me. I think it might well kill my sexual attraction to a partner stone dead.
It’s not that I have any kind of issue with gay men. Or an issue with bisexual men. I can image them both in happy sexual relationships with other people and I feel nothing negative whatsoever. You do you and all that. But the idea of a man I am having a sexual relationship with also having/having had a sexual relationship with a man is just an instant turn off. Deeply unsexy to me. It’s not very deep and I have no interest in analyzing why I feel that way.
I’d do some version of the ´it’s not you it’s me’ speech and dump him.

Seaoftroubles · 30/03/2023 18:10

It would definitely bother me. He should have been honest at the start and told you that he is bisexual.

Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 30/03/2023 18:15

He’s had sex with multiple men. He’s bi, if not gay.

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:16

Why would it bother you? He was single at the time?

Mom2K · 30/03/2023 18:21

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

He also never told you for an entire year that he had ever slept with any men either. Can't imagine anyone would have sex with someone if they weren't attracted at all 🤷‍♀️

ditalini · 30/03/2023 18:21

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

He's definitely curious - most men wouldn't have gone on Grindr, but there are levels of hetro-homo attraction.

I'd never snog another girl - never crossed my mind for an instant, but lots of women have had an "experience" or a "phase" in early adulthood and don't necessarily identify as bi.

You can ask him.

But yeah, if it puts you off then it puts you off.

Waydown · 30/03/2023 18:25

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

He disliked it but had to check twice more?

TeaForMeandThee · 30/03/2023 18:26

Straight men don't have sex with men. He's probably gay but doesn't want to come out, I couldn't continue in a relationship with a man who likes to have sex with men.

Mom2K · 30/03/2023 18:27

Also if it bothers you...it really doesn't matter why, we are all entitled to our preferences.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 18:28

Oh yes, that would bother me.

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 18:31

It would put me right off him. If I wanted to go out with a bisexual man I would. It’s not my preference. It’s a bit misleading too to not bring it up until you were together a year. I get he might not know how to process it or whatever but like others I wouldn’t go trying to hook up with a lesbian if I finished with my partner to see what it was like. People who actually do do that tend to be those who have repressed their sexuality. He has gone back to try it again several times after a long marriage. I couldn’t get that doubt out of my head I don’t think, especially as I would be concerned he was with me because he doesn’t want to be seen as gay and I think you’d have to trust him a great deal not to wonder if he would be interested in doing the same thing again. As you say if he is in to men you can’t compete with that.

millymollymoomoo · 30/03/2023 18:33

Straight men do not hook up with men

CharlotteSometimes1 · 30/03/2023 18:38

If he’d tried t once and decided it wasn’t for him, it wouldn’t be a problem. The fact he did it more than once earns he enjoyed it, which is fine, but does mean that he’s bi. You should have been told that early on in the relationship. I wouldn’t like it, but plenty wouldn’t be bothered.

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:39

Serious question. Why do you have to tell someone if you're bi?

What is it to them? You're with them - anyone else, regardless of sex, is in the past.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 18:41

It really is the sort of thing you have to disclose early on. Not a year down the line.

Now it would feel to me like I didn't even know him.

imtoooldforthisshite · 30/03/2023 18:41

It would bloody bother me. That is some serious ground shifting information.

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