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Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
strawberryseed · 29/03/2023 05:02

Would he see a sex therapist with you?

ShippingNews · 29/03/2023 05:04

Medications like Viagra and Cialis can help with early ejaculation. But he'd have to see a doctor for that , and if he won't, you're back to square 1. Good luck - at 46 you deserve better.

Herbiebanannas · 29/03/2023 05:05

Jeez. He needs to do something or do one.

Has he looked at any options or techniques to try and improve things? There are loads that even a quick google throws up

snitzelvoncrumb · 29/03/2023 05:07

If you don’t want to leave, maybe stop having sex until he does something about it.

Mumma · 29/03/2023 05:07

Could he use a vibrator/dildo....

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

cloudyskye · 29/03/2023 05:23

I think it’s completely reasonable to ask him to see a doctor.

Hiddenmnetter · 29/03/2023 05:29

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

And yet there’s probably a reason that traditionally sex was seen as a man’s duty and a wife’s right. I remember hearing this as when I was younger and thinking how strange, but the more I’m married and the more I see of these threads on mumsnet the more it makes sense…

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:31

Herbiebanannas · 29/03/2023 05:05

Jeez. He needs to do something or do one.

Has he looked at any options or techniques to try and improve things? There are loads that even a quick google throws up

Yeah, I’ve googled over the years and suggested strategies he can implement.

I am at the point now where I think he actually doesn’t care. Why would he? He gets what he wants and gets it quickly. I think his post sex pity party is just part of his script now. As surely if it was such a big deal, he would have booked an appointment at some stage over the past 20 years.

OP posts:
Moser85 · 29/03/2023 05:31

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

So should she just keep letting him put his penis inside her whenever he wants to for a minute or less even though it's got so bad that she doesn't want it anymore? 🤔

Zanatdy · 29/03/2023 05:36

Oh god I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. You don’t have to threaten to leave if that’s not what you want, but you can refuse to have sex with him until he sorts this out, or at least tries. I can’t imagine how crap that is. I love oral, but as foreplay. It’s no substitute when you just want some good sex, lasting more than 1 minute. That’s truly awful and it’s pretty poor that he’s never bothered to discuss with his GP. Tell him to go to the GP and you’re not having sex until he does

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:38

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

I’ve never ordered him to see a dr. He suggests it every time we have had sex while in his post sex state of sorrow, where he complains of his performance. I have only ever been supportive, not once in 20 years have I complained to him or made him feel bad. Don’t forget this is 2 entire decades of this.

Sex should be mutually enjoyable. For me it’s not. It has never been.

It isn’t about being frigid. This is a performance issue that affects us both. The equivalent would be my vagina closing up and picking him out seconds after he enters me, offering him little to no pleasure.

And despite me not getting any pleasure from intercourse, I still have done the deed for him.

I am not trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to show you how it is. I love him and he is truly amazing otherwise. I just wish he cared enough about my sexual pleasure that he’d actually go through with booking an appointment…

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:39

Zanatdy · 29/03/2023 05:36

Oh god I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you. You don’t have to threaten to leave if that’s not what you want, but you can refuse to have sex with him until he sorts this out, or at least tries. I can’t imagine how crap that is. I love oral, but as foreplay. It’s no substitute when you just want some good sex, lasting more than 1 minute. That’s truly awful and it’s pretty poor that he’s never bothered to discuss with his GP. Tell him to go to the GP and you’re not having sex until he does

I think this approach you and some previous posters have recommended may be the way to go. Thank you

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 29/03/2023 06:03

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:38

I’ve never ordered him to see a dr. He suggests it every time we have had sex while in his post sex state of sorrow, where he complains of his performance. I have only ever been supportive, not once in 20 years have I complained to him or made him feel bad. Don’t forget this is 2 entire decades of this.

Sex should be mutually enjoyable. For me it’s not. It has never been.

It isn’t about being frigid. This is a performance issue that affects us both. The equivalent would be my vagina closing up and picking him out seconds after he enters me, offering him little to no pleasure.

And despite me not getting any pleasure from intercourse, I still have done the deed for him.

I am not trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to show you how it is. I love him and he is truly amazing otherwise. I just wish he cared enough about my sexual pleasure that he’d actually go through with booking an appointment…

Show quote history

You need to say this all to him, OP x

Fedupofdiets · 29/03/2023 06:46

My exh was the same. I actually used to look at the alarm clock when he entered me and most of the time not even a minute ticked by. It was soul destroying as I wanted proper sex. Ours wasnt a happy marriage anyway and I often wonder how his new wife finds it as he never sought help either. Thing was when we met we used to take recreational drugs so sex went on for hours and was amazing then we grew up stopped taking them and it was a disaster. It left me feeling like i was dead sexually. I met a new partner and he flicked the switch back on. I don't have an answer for you because he sounds great otherwise but I do understand the frustration.

Summerpetal · 29/03/2023 07:03

If you haven’t complained in 20 years or made him feel bad ,how is he to know how you really feel
hes able to sweep it under the carpet and ignor it
your trying to save his feelings while he doesn’t give a shit about yours

Summerpetal · 29/03/2023 07:06

He probably thinks your not that botherd as you don’t say much
he probably actually thinks it’s enough for u and your not frustrated by it
he can convince himself your ok with sex ,because you don’t say anything and keep going back for more

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 07:11

Summerpetal · 29/03/2023 07:06

He probably thinks your not that botherd as you don’t say much
he probably actually thinks it’s enough for u and your not frustrated by it
he can convince himself your ok with sex ,because you don’t say anything and keep going back for more

No he knows I am not satisfied. That previous response was in reply to another poster who implied I was ordering him to go to the doctor.

I don’t bring it up but I do agree with him when he says “that was shit” or “I should see a doctor”. He is well aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 07:12

Fedupofdiets · 29/03/2023 06:46

My exh was the same. I actually used to look at the alarm clock when he entered me and most of the time not even a minute ticked by. It was soul destroying as I wanted proper sex. Ours wasnt a happy marriage anyway and I often wonder how his new wife finds it as he never sought help either. Thing was when we met we used to take recreational drugs so sex went on for hours and was amazing then we grew up stopped taking them and it was a disaster. It left me feeling like i was dead sexually. I met a new partner and he flicked the switch back on. I don't have an answer for you because he sounds great otherwise but I do understand the frustration.

Thank you. For understanding. I do the alarm clock thing too. I’m happy you’ve moved on and it’s not an issue for you anymore. X

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 29/03/2023 07:13

Next time he approaches you for sex, ask him if he's seen a dr about his premature ejaculation, when he says no, tell him you don't fancy sex, roll over and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 07:26

By not to tell him that he must look to get this sorted, or letting him know how you feel, FOR 20 YEARS!... you're not being kind to yourself or him, rather you're just setting the scene for the disintegration of your marriage.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 07:31

Does he know how seriously you feel about this? It sounds like you need a proper conversation not post sex about it and suggest he needs to book an appointment with his doctor asap.

Allblackeverythingalways · 29/03/2023 07:34

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

My response would be to leave either way.
Doubt it will improve and life is too short to waste on shit shags.

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 07:34

What about him masturbating not long before you dtd. If you have sex as soon as he can achieve an erection afterwards, that sounds like it would at least delay things. In fact, on the occasions when me and my ex dtd soon after he's masturbated (he had thought he wouldn't get lucky that night! 😆) - by soon I mean an hour or so - he generally wouldn't orgasm at all, but could still have sex (as long as it wasn't immediately after).

Also, does he lose his erection immediately after orgasm? Given he seems to be so horny, I'd imagine probably not. When my ex came, he'd often be able to continue thrusting away for a good few minutes before losing firmness if I wanted him to continue.