Really bad sex

[Greycloudlooming]

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

I just don’t get how it’s relevant to my question.

I think people think the fact that your husband , with whom you're trying to solve a sex life problem, has been on the receiving end of adultery several times and is apparently still totally unaware of it; is relevant to the wider picture.

You say you think he'd have accepted it but ateotd, you don't know.

When you drop something major like that I to a thread, of course people are going to comment on it and not ignore it.

They think that the sex life issue being resolved is actually below/after your husband knowing the truth about your marriage (even if it was 10 years ago) and choosing to stay in it or not.

(And if he doesn't, the PE is then irrelevant to you. It's his next partners problem).

I did, thank you.
They were murdered and it was just the worst and most traumatic time. Especially as I was a new mum and my mum was my absolute rock. I had bad PND too as I was having twins and one of them was stillborn, so that was awful enough. Mum was amazing in helping me come to
terms with that loss. I know it doesn’t justify what I did. And I’m not saying any of this for sympathy but I appreciate your empathy.
I have invested so much into my mental health and have utilised so many services. They’re just incredible. They’ve helped me learn to live and process everything.

Thank you again so much for all your help and comments xx

I'm so sorry op, no-one should have to suffer something like that.

On the main subject of your thread, it seems like your h needs to realise how important this is to you and to engage with any help possible to resolve the physical and non physical reasons for it.

Op, I understand your frustration about your physical relationship. You have acknowledged your risky behaviour was wrong & you are fortunate your husband didn't find out. The past is another country & I can't see anything good coming out of a confession now.
I do think your guilt about your affairs is impacting your response now. You love him, he's good, kind, etc, etc . But he isn't being kind, because he's ignoring your unhappiness about the sex you're having & knowing this does nothing about it.
All the things you have tried appear to be what you have bought or instigated. Because you feel guilt for your behaviour you aren't truthful about how you really feel & so it goes on. You do the same things & keep getting the same result.
What will you do if the situation remains the same as it appears it will.
You need to sit down & have a frank & full talk about your feelings & he needs to take responsibility for himself & want to help your relationship. It is difficult for men to say they're rubbish at sex, I can understand this,but he's the only one who can help himself.

I disagree that he has 'no idea who's he married to.
It's that he appears to have no idea what she did during that period of her life.

As for asking how it was coordinated and calculated....people always seem to assume that if someone describes poor mental health etc. as a contributing factor in certain things that happened in their life that that means they couldn't be functioning normally in other ways or able to use their brain and make 'calculated' plans, which isn't the case at all.

They can't keep up the status quo of the sex situation either, because now OP doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. She seems to still be able to 'allow' it for him from time to time, but it's only a matter of time before she never lets him go near her with his penis anymore.

So she has 3 real options.

Discuss the sex issue.
Tell him about the affairs AND discuss the sex issue.
Say nothing, but the relationship is doomed anyway and will fail because she doesn't even want to have sex with him anymore.

I think this hits the nail on the head for me, if you look at pretty much any other thread on the forum when the male partner has cheated, posters are lining up to put the boot and the telling OP to kick him out and what an absolute bastard he is, but here some posters are just giving the OP a pat on the head and saying “oh well, what your dumb husband does know won’t hurt him”, and then sticking the boot into him by because he cannot last in bed and they would dump him anyway.

Just goes to show how awful the double standards on the forum are how some people think women can just do no wrong.

Does the husband have the right to know about the cheating ? Yes of course he does, he should know all the facts about his marriage, and he should the the opportunity to choose if he wants to stay married, should the OP tell him - her choice really

I think the below sums it up nicely, really,

So she has 3 real options.

Discuss the sex issue.
Tell him about the affairs AND discuss the sex issue.
Say nothing, but the relationship is doomed anyway and will fail because she doesn't even want to have sex with him anymore.

@Greycloudlooming get some endurance condoms and some priligy they might help with the ED issue.