Really bad sex

[Greycloudlooming]

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

I would want to know. I wouldn’t want my relationship being based on lies. I think he deserves to be able to make a choice about whether to continue the relationship. At the moment you’re not who he thinks you are.

Yeah I understand that. I did want to tell him years ago but everyone convinced me not to as it was in the past. All happened at a time I lost both my parents within weeks of one another so they all convinced me it was grief and I’d probably be mentally unwell if I lost him too. Part of me wanted him to know as at that time I’d had ten years of shit sex and I wanted him to either change or leave me.

I am such a coward. I should have just told him at the time and dealt with it then.

I just will be devastated hurting him as he’s honestly my world. Guess I deserve this.

No, actually that’s one thing we haven’t tried. Thanks x

If you got together at 18 this is possibly just about wanting new, different sexual partners, or having grown apart.

If the average for penetrative sex is 3-7 minutes and you get 1, you only need to extend that by 2 minutes to be at the lower end of average.

Really? Is this all about 2 extra minutes of penetration? Would that be enough to do it for you versus the minute you currently get? If so, get him to speak to a doctor. If it might be about... for example ... settling down age 18 but now feeling you want more ... then a doctor can't help you

I recommend them, along with stopping and gripping the base of his penis when he feels like he's about to come and then carrying on after. Sometimes they can last longer with you on top rather than him on top too so that's worth a go, plus then you can stop, you basically have to train him to last longer, he can do this while masturbating too if he wants, it's called "edging".

Maybe a odd suggestion, but have you thought about a 'numbing' lube, for him?

Just had a quick Google (looking forward to the targeted ads now lol) and this one popped up. Might help?

https://www.numbing-cream.co/products/romantic-premature-ejaculation-cream?variant=43647875645699&currency=GBP&utmmedium=producttsync&utmsource=google&utmmcontent=sagorganic&utmmcampaign=sagorganic&gclid=Cj0KCQjww4-hBhCtARIsAC9gR3bvMGzg3H4zdGr0IRuGhXktJ5mXmXE83weGh3iccHIV471FZYNfWDQaAh7TEALw_wcB

Do you believe there is someone in the world that we are 100% compatible with in and out of the bedroom?

I'm the kinda of woman that wears a period cup for teenager as so narrow and don't just let the man do all the work. So never had a man last that much longer than the average and usually quicker.

I would love someone to go at it for longer but maybe it's just not possible and these expectations we have of men through are through porn etc.

Once had a American porn actor offered to have a off film night with myself and he would of lasted but that's his job lol. It's a bit full on someone travelling so far to fuck you prefer to keep it in Euoupe.

He talks about even men that think they have it done cut it in porn its a skill beyond most sex to get it up on demand and cum when told.

Yeah I understand what you’re saying.

One minute is on a good run. It’s usually more around 9 seconds. Sometimes like three thrusts and that’s it.

As I say, he’s perfect in every way other than this.
I want nothing more than him, I don’t feel I’ve settled or grown apart from him. It is just the short shit sex.

I think honesty is best. The cheating is tied in with the issues with sex. It all needs unpicking in my opinion for your relationship to stand a chance. If it ends the relationship, so be it. At the moment the relationship isn’t working anyway.

Thank you. Honestly appreciate all these suggestions.

We tried edging and me on top and gripping the base etc. A few times, to no avail.

Well, if you're sure!

There are lots of good ideas on this thread but first you need to communicate - clearly - that things have changed, a three thrust shag no longer does it for you so that's off the cards from now on, you are happy to work on strategies to improve penetration or (and this is important) ... what is your 'or'?

What would you do if he refuses to try?
Stop having sex at all?
Would you leave?
How do you want to orgasm? First? From piv sex (can you? did you with your affair partner or others?)
Use strapons instead?

But it is working other than the sex.

I really don’t know. I value your opinion but I’m not sure in this case. Not because it’s my relationship but I think now if I was advising a friend, if a whole decade had passed and children were involved, I’d likely tell her not to tell. Why hurt so many people NOW? For what?
I should have told him at the time like I wanted to. Or better still I shouldn’t have cheated. Some of our children have been born AFTER I cheated. Is it really worth tearing up their little lives over some stupid shit their mum did over a decade ago?

I really do get what you’re saying. But if roles were reversed and he cheated on me a decade ago, at this point in time, I’d rather not know about it.

Thank you. I’ve definitely got a lot to think about there for sure.

We have tried so many things over the years but there’s some great ideas on this thread I’ll also try. He will try, I know that.

You are definitely right about communication, I need to be cruel to be kind and let him know. He does know I’m unhappy as when he does talk after sex I do agree with what he says about it not being good and not lasting. I just need to push for the GP visit.

Thank you again everybody

Your whole relationship is a lie. You’re minimising what you did. Everyone has a right to honesty in a relationship. You’re partner doesn’t know you, it’s all deceit.

Post menopause you won’t give a shit and will actually be grateful. You just need to wait.

I think 10 years makes it worse actually, you have been deceiving him for a decade…

Personally ( not that it matters), I think you should continue to keep quiet and use this as an opportunity to reboot your sex life, use some of the suggestions on here to try and make positive changes rather than just claiming he is shit in bed and you are the one suffering

But they're not the sort of thing you just "try", you need to do them consistently, you don't just do them once or a couple of times and then say they didn't work and give up.

Definitely get the local anaesthetic condoms, sit down, talk to him, explain you can't go on as you are but you're willing to try and make a plan of action together.

He should go to the GP but you should practice all the home strategies as well, it will likely take time and patience.

You both need to work together at this to make your lives better, it's really worth it, especially if your relationship is as close to ideal as you say.

This is likely psychological as much as it might be physical. Something is going on with him, and it’s been going on a for long time. You both need to figure out his mind before you can fix his body.

That might be your experience but won't be true for everyone.

Haha love this!

What's the typo at teenager supposed to be?

yes OP you shouldn't have cheated and that was obviously shit.

but everyone acting like your partner lasting less than a minute is fine and you can't complain are ridiculous. sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for everyone. And generally you both work to meet your partners sexual needs within reason.

Sex therapy and GP yes a great idea, also i would recommend the books "the multi orgasmic man" and "multi orgasmic couple".

maybe set aside an evening a week to engage in touch without ejaculation, he should practice some edging (google this if unsure) and definitely use a cock ring every time for PIV.

make it a fun activity and workshop for the both of you. this will require you to be forthright and honest.

just sit him down and be frank, lots of eye contact and ask which one he wants to try first. if you're determined to make it work, give it your all till the end of the year and then reassess.

Make it fun for yourself as well, get yourself something that makes you feel sexy and beautiful, clothing, toys accessories what ever you need.

And if none of that works and you want to stay married, maybe you can open your marriage so your needs are met if thats something you'd be into.

Possibly. I really do doubt this, I genuinely believe it is his body just being super sensitive combined with being sexually naive (if that’s a thing?). He does also think this.

As for the things we tried. We didn’t just do them once, we tried so many things over a period of twenty years, so when I say they didn’t work, I don’t mean we tried them once or twice, we would have persevered for years.

bad sex is no justification to cheat.....