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Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
honeypancake · 29/03/2023 08:51

You should have done something about it much earlier. You have three options now: get him to go to doctors, leave him, or find ways to make it happen with what you have : oral, toys, external play etc

Naunet · 29/03/2023 09:00

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

So you read this and you first thought is ‘what about the poor hypothetical man I just made up in my mind?’ Why??? Focus on the OP.

Men and women aren’t the same, sex isn’t dictated by how fast or slow a woman orgasms, but if a woman was selfishly leaving her partner unsatisfied every single time, I doubt opinions would be that different. How often do you read though about a woman who orgasms every time and then rolls over leaving her partner without? Tends to happen more this way around, doesn’t it? Why is that ok?

MyriadOfTravels · 29/03/2023 09:01

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

Well actually many women would say they would not be happy with an unfulfilling sex life, that sex is a need and yes it’s a deal breaker.
ive seen many posts around that idea recently.

Also fwiw the equivalent of early ejaculation is not being frigid in a woman.

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 09:03

@Naunet

Why is cheating on your husband okay in your mind?

Naunet · 29/03/2023 09:04

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 07:42

The equivalent would be a woman who was unable be penetrated by her partner, such as vaginismus.

If a woman refused to try and get that issue sorted then, of course, her partner would be entitled to feel aggrieved in the same way the OP is aggrieved here!

Of course, there will be some who will still blame the man if he posted such a thread on here, but a man could cure cancer and he'd still be criticised by some posters! "If he wasn't a man, he'd have found the cure sooner!" etc.

Show quote history

Nope, the equivalent is a woman who orgasms within a minute then stops sex and rolls over to go to sleep before her partner has finished. Never happens though does it?

Naunet · 29/03/2023 09:04

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 09:03

@Naunet

Why is cheating on your husband okay in your mind?

Oh please do point out where I said that and then I’ll be delighted to answer.

MyriadOfTravels · 29/03/2023 09:05

God knows why op decided to choose someone who couldn't meet her personal sexual needs.

  • because women are taught to put their needs last
  • because it’s not his fault. He is trying
  • because saying sex is important=being a slut. This was even more true 20 years ago when the OP started her relationship
  • because as she said, it was ‘compensated’ by being able to do it several times
  • and also probably because she thought it would get better.
Basically, it doesn’t very long to see why….
FannyPhart · 29/03/2023 09:09

I think you need to leave him. He deserves better than someone who cheats on him and just uses him for a cosy lifestyle.

snitzelvoncrumb · 29/03/2023 09:10

Op, you can’t change the past and it would be difficult that suddenly say you have a problem with it. I would try to say you find it difficult because it ends so suddenly you feel a bit uncomfortable after. And because of this you would rather not have sex. Perhaps if he is missing out too he might do something about it. Because as it is he gets to come over and over and you get nothing. Maybe when he gets nothing it might change.

MuckyPlucky · 29/03/2023 09:10

He's amazing with oral & toys to get you off… and then finishes himself off inside you.

I don’t really see the problem TBH and am quite envious

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 09:15

Allblackeverythingalways · 29/03/2023 07:34

My response would be to leave either way.
Doubt it will improve and life is too short to waste on shit shags.

Show quote history

Ah yeah, turn your kids' lives upside down for your own genital gratification, great advice!

purpledalmation · 29/03/2023 09:16

Refuse sex. Make him see a dr. Even if he took viagra once a month and you had fabulous sex for a night, it would,be better than this. Do you have to have it prescribed?

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 09:18

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 05:38

I’ve never ordered him to see a dr. He suggests it every time we have had sex while in his post sex state of sorrow, where he complains of his performance. I have only ever been supportive, not once in 20 years have I complained to him or made him feel bad. Don’t forget this is 2 entire decades of this.

Sex should be mutually enjoyable. For me it’s not. It has never been.

It isn’t about being frigid. This is a performance issue that affects us both. The equivalent would be my vagina closing up and picking him out seconds after he enters me, offering him little to no pleasure.

And despite me not getting any pleasure from intercourse, I still have done the deed for him.

I am not trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to show you how it is. I love him and he is truly amazing otherwise. I just wish he cared enough about my sexual pleasure that he’d actually go through with booking an appointment…

Show quote history

You've never complained or made him feel bad, but you did fuck around on him multiple times.

Have you told him about that? Did you use condoms every time, at if not he would need to get an STI check.

Spottycarousel · 29/03/2023 09:21

Time to get firm op.

Tell your h you've had enough and your relationship is in trouble unless he goes to a doctor and get this sorted out. Let him know you're serious.

And definitely avoid sex until he has shown willingness to take you seriously. If you keep having sex he will have no reason to bother as it's been years. He needs to know you mean business now or its over...like his sex.

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 09:23

purpledalmation · 29/03/2023 09:16

Refuse sex. Make him see a dr. Even if he took viagra once a month and you had fabulous sex for a night, it would,be better than this. Do you have to have it prescribed?

She has fabulous sex. Quite often by the sound of her post, where she admits cheating on her husband.

TenDinnerTeddy · 29/03/2023 09:30

You’ve cheated. There’s no excuse for that. You need to tell your husband that before moving forward. I hope you have had STD tests.

Bonbon21 · 29/03/2023 09:38

You make an appointment for him to see the gp.. you tell him you will be going with him.. you make an appointment with a divorce lawyer for the folliwing day.. if he doesnt keep his appointment.. you WILL keep yours.. he needs to see you are serious.. that this IS important for your marriage going forward.. its up to you once you have your options before you...

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 29/03/2023 09:45

He is neglecting an aspect of your marriage.. Tell him either it's a Dr appointment or a solicitor one.
. His embarrassment over seeking help isn't more valid than your right to a fulfilling relationship.. And it's his sex life too!

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:45

To answer some questions:

I cheated more than ten years ago over a period of six months. I regret it entirely. For the past entire decade, I’ve been faithful. Not that it makes it better, but I did grow up and wise up and see what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong al along tbh, I was just selfish and an idiot. So I’m not “having regular great sex now” or getting it elsewhere. It was TEN YEARS ago.
I regret it but I was in my 20’s, young stupid and selfish. I don’t condone my actions but I have been faithful for more than ten years now. I genuinely know that if I hadn’t cheated and got safe, no strings sex elsewhere then I would have left the marriage. Maybe that would have been the right thing to do, but it was a whole decade ago now, I can’t change the past.

Why did I have a family with him knowing he wasn’t satisfying my needs? Well I was 18, I didn’t know better. He was younger and could go several times back to back, so it didn’t seem as bad. I didn’t know I was allowed to enjoy sex like I know now. I also naively assumed as he got older he’d last longer because I had this idea that only young and inexperienced men came quickly.

I expected to get flamed and I deserve it, I know that. But the affairs happened a very, very long time ago.

Someone mentioned that perhaps DH isn’t as good in other areas of life as I proclaim. He genuinely is. Everyone says he’s amazing. I know he’s amazing. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t because I know I don’t deserve him. It’d be easier to end the relationship if he wasn’t so amazing.

So in regards to the affairs. I know I fucked up. I know I deserve to be flamed. But hopefully it is testament as to how much I love him by changing my behaviour and being faithful for the pay ten years.

With regards to STD checks. I got tested regularly, used protection and actually asked each man I met with for clean results before I did sleep with them. As fucked up as I was, I did that for my own sexual health as well as my DH’s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:46

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 09:23

She has fabulous sex. Quite often by the sound of her post, where she admits cheating on her husband.

Show quote history

No I don’t. It was TEN YEARS ago. No idea where you read that or came to that conclusion, but it’s untrue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:48

TenDinnerTeddy · 29/03/2023 09:30

You’ve cheated. There’s no excuse for that. You need to tell your husband that before moving forward. I hope you have had STD tests.

Do you think the best option is to tell him after all this time?
I have wanted to, but everybody I’ve confessed to has told me nothing good will come of telling him after all these years and that I’d only be telling him to alleviate my guilt, pass my pain on to him.

So genuine question, should I tell him?

OP posts:
FindingKiki · 29/03/2023 09:51

I could have written this post myself. My husband and I have have also been together for 20yrs and has always been the same, when he was younger it was manageable as he could go again in a few minutes but as DH has got older that's not possible. It is literally over within seconds,I'm so frustrated that I keep fantasizing about every man I pass 😭

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:52

FindingKiki · 29/03/2023 09:51

I could have written this post myself. My husband and I have have also been together for 20yrs and has always been the same, when he was younger it was manageable as he could go again in a few minutes but as DH has got older that's not possible. It is literally over within seconds,I'm so frustrated that I keep fantasizing about every man I pass 😭

I feel ya. What are we going to do?
There have been some great ideas in this thread. I really appreciate them. Thank you to all who have responded (if you come back and check).

OP posts:
hamsterchump · 29/03/2023 09:52

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:48

Do you think the best option is to tell him after all this time?
I have wanted to, but everybody I’ve confessed to has told me nothing good will come of telling him after all these years and that I’d only be telling him to alleviate my guilt, pass my pain on to him.

So genuine question, should I tell him?

Show quote history

Have you tried the Durex condoms with the local anaesthetic gel inside?

TenDinnerTeddy · 29/03/2023 09:53

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 09:45

To answer some questions:

I cheated more than ten years ago over a period of six months. I regret it entirely. For the past entire decade, I’ve been faithful. Not that it makes it better, but I did grow up and wise up and see what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong al along tbh, I was just selfish and an idiot. So I’m not “having regular great sex now” or getting it elsewhere. It was TEN YEARS ago.
I regret it but I was in my 20’s, young stupid and selfish. I don’t condone my actions but I have been faithful for more than ten years now. I genuinely know that if I hadn’t cheated and got safe, no strings sex elsewhere then I would have left the marriage. Maybe that would have been the right thing to do, but it was a whole decade ago now, I can’t change the past.

Why did I have a family with him knowing he wasn’t satisfying my needs? Well I was 18, I didn’t know better. He was younger and could go several times back to back, so it didn’t seem as bad. I didn’t know I was allowed to enjoy sex like I know now. I also naively assumed as he got older he’d last longer because I had this idea that only young and inexperienced men came quickly.

I expected to get flamed and I deserve it, I know that. But the affairs happened a very, very long time ago.

Someone mentioned that perhaps DH isn’t as good in other areas of life as I proclaim. He genuinely is. Everyone says he’s amazing. I know he’s amazing. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t because I know I don’t deserve him. It’d be easier to end the relationship if he wasn’t so amazing.

So in regards to the affairs. I know I fucked up. I know I deserve to be flamed. But hopefully it is testament as to how much I love him by changing my behaviour and being faithful for the pay ten years.

With regards to STD checks. I got tested regularly, used protection and actually asked each man I met with for clean results before I did sleep with them. As fucked up as I was, I did that for my own sexual health as well as my DH’s.

For me, it being 10 years ago wouldn’t matter. In fact, not being truthful for years after would be worse. The relationship has been based on deceit. I would end the relationship if my partner did this.