Really bad sex

[Greycloudlooming]

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

Right so man cheats and it's LTB, woman cheats and it's "poor you would you see a therapist with him"

Fucking hell the double standards are vile on MN

If man admitted to cheating, then complained that his wife was shit in bd he would be torn a new arsehole on this site.

I don’t bring it up but I do agree with him when he says “that was shit” or “I should see a doctor”. He is well aware.

Sounds like this situation is entirely 100% your own fault OP. You have never sat him down and expressed how big a deal the situation is to you and what your needs/expectations are. Saying "you're ok" after he expresses disappointment in his own performance is not agreeing with him. It's actually giving the opposite message as if you weren't that bothered by it.

You could have still been kind while having a proper conversation with him, like you have done here on mumsnet talking about it with total strangers. But no - you didn't communicate your needs/expectations on that aspect of your intimacy (and I get the sense that he would have made an effort to get the issue sorted if you had actually addressed it since he seems to be considerate of you in bed in general) and slept with other men instead.

Your DH is not 'well aware' of anything.

We don't need the backstory of your circumstances at the time of your affairs. They do not provide a reason for that behaviour and it doesn't excuse it. Many people go through difficult times without cheating on their partner and your lack of sexual satisfaction seems to have been brought on by your inability to talk straight with your husband. Had he really known how big of a problem it is to you he might have actually seen the Dr and tried to do something about it. Or he might not have, but you didn't give him the chance.

I feel sorry for him as by your own admission, he's a great husband and father and you've treated him quite badly. He doesn't deserve that.

Also, if you were concerned about hurting him and your family, you'd not have had affairs at all. Admission of those affairs will cause hurt whether you admitted them 10 years ago or you admit them now- there was never going to be any way to avoid that, but he has a right to know and make decisions about his own relationship. Pretending that you're doing him a kindness by keeping it secret isn't about not hurting him, it's more likely about not wanting to face the consequences of your actions. Or having to deal with his grief at what you did. But none of that changes the fact that every person deserves to have the full truth about their relationship and the ability to make decisions based on that information.

It would be beyond cruel to tell him about the cheating now. He will have to accept that his partner is unhappy with their sex life. To add that they outsourced sex because of it is just mean.

When he suggests “I think I should see a doctor to see if there’s anything I can take to help me last longer” I say “yea that’s a great idea”. I’ve sighed afterwards once or twice, not a dramatic sigh but a slight sigh just enough so he can detect disappointment. Or he’ll apologise and I’ll just hold him and say nothing.

For 20 years this man has been openly inviting criticism, saying how shit he is, how he needs to see a doctor and apologising. This is not a conversation most men would want to have even once.

it sounds a bit sissy fetish.

Why does everyone think he shouldn't be told about the cheating to avoid hurting him? Especially since it sounds like OP told a few people in real life so he's wandering round oblivious with people in his circle pitying him. He'd probably be angry rather than hurt, which is what people really want to avoid?

They're kind of unique circumstances though.

But can you at least try to imagine yourself as a brand new mum with bad PND, whose parents were both brutally murdered and died within days of one another. Would you be sane? I definitely wasn’t. And that’s the period that this all happened.

If I knew about this I don't think I'd pity him because I wouldn't see it like she had just been making a fool out of him or as cheating for the sake of it. I'd just think she had went off the rails due to what had happened.

If I knew at the time I would have encouraged her to tell him though.

@Frogger8395 ,

your contradictory attitude is clear: forgiveness for the OP’s fuck buddies when she was younger but ‘are you still with the prick who cheated on you’ to a woman less forgiving about affairs.

the reality ,OP, is you don’t sound like you really like your husband, and your relationship sounds very transactional. I really think that if you had a physical problem , but were more than happy and skilful about sexually satisfying your husband in other ways, you would be dumbfounded if he went elsewhere because he ‘needed to be fucked’. This really isn’t a ‘need’.

Ultimately, divorce is the best way forward for you both, but, after that, you need to consider what your actual needs are and what you are prepared to compromise on. There are few perfect people out there and you may end up disappointed, not necessarily sexually, but maybe elsewhere.

The circumstances are unusual but he's still a person. Why should he be kept in the dark to keep the status quo? Also where was he (and the new baby) when all this was going on
"With regards to STD checks. I got tested regularly, used protection and actually asked each man I met with for clean results before I did sleep with them."
That sounds pretty coordinated and calculated tbh. How?
Status quo isn't best when it's built on a lie and the lie gets worse every time they make eye contact or say they love each other. He has no idea who he is married to and not sure making him a better dildo is the solution.

WTF? At what point did you come to the conclusion that I don’t like my husband and it’s a transactional relationship?!

And no, divorce is definitely not the best option for either of us! I have not invested over TWENTY years of my life with someone who I dislike. If I disliked him I would have left a very long time ago and would be having amazing sex or be single or whatever. Jesus. I cannot fathom your response, it’s weird.

As for transactional, how exactly? Please elaborate how it’s transactional.

I agree. If it stands a chance of working, honesty is required. It’s not a real relationship when there’s such a betrayal. That betrayal is causing OP to feel guilty so will be acting differently. Talk about it all and see if the relationship can be saved.

Yeah you made your point continuously yesterday over and over. Got it loud and clear. I won’t be telling him now and I won’t be hopping into a Time Machine either to change things. I feel guilt but it hasn’t altered the relationship at all.
My NSA sex with akin to gambling or alcoholism or drugs. People often/occasionally do those in a relationship secretly and then see the error of their ways and rectify their behaviour and move on. If a gambler kept their less than 6 month addiction a secret over a decade ago, would you be telling them to spill the beans now? Or someone who relied on alcohol heavily to get over a VERY traumatic period of time over a six month period a decade ago, it’d be pointless bringing it up a decade later. It’ll serve ZERO purpose other than inflicting pain.

So please, stop withering on about it now. I’ve addressed it 32 fucking times in this thread and can’t add anything more to what I’ve said. If you don’t like that then please move along. I respect your opinion but I’m pretty sure you’ve repeated it about 15 times now. In kindness. You’re contributing absolutely nothing to the thread.

MY ONLY ISSUE and question was some tips to prolong a shag. About 95% of people shared some strategies I can implement and I’ve got some things to try.

“If it stands a chance of working”…. It IS working, I just want longer sex. What’s not working, other than that? I’ve been best friends with the guy since I was about 6 years old! Aside from the PE, the relationship is perfection. So please explain what’s not working.

You say the relationship is working other than this, but do you think you can have a successful relationship when you have the feelings you have about yourself about what’s happened in the past?

You have said you hate yourself, you are ashamed and that keeping the affairs secret has been soul destroying. This must have an impact on you day to day and the way you are in the relationship. What struck me also was you said you feel as though you do not deserve him. Having those feelings, that you’re bad and he’s good, may be adding to feeling like you can’t really demand that he seeks medical help, like you can’t really cause a fuss because you have this ‘bad secret’. Feeling that you are not deserving of your partner makes your relationship unequal/unbalanced.

Of you’re set on not telling him, you need to talk to a professional and find a way to forgive yourself and rid yourself of this self loathing. Maybe then you will feel you can approach the sex issue properly.

My NSA sex with akin to gambling or alcoholism or drugs. People often/occasionally do those in a relationship secretly and then see the error of their ways and rectify their behaviour and move on

Sex with other people outside a marriage or monogamous relationship would be seen differently by the vast majority of people (vs alcohol dependence or gambling); there is no breaking of intimate/sexual exclusivity ..... Which we're wired to take very seriously/emotionally etc for lots of valid reasons.

Having those feelings, that you’re bad and he’s good, may be adding to feeling like you can’t really demand that he seeks medical help, like you can’t really cause a fuss because you have this ‘bad secret’. Feeling that you are not deserving of your partner makes your relationship unequal/unbalanced

I understand that and maybe some truth in there somewhere, but I felt the exact same the decade before affairs too. This issue predates the affairs. Me feeling like I don’t deserve him; I felt the same before the affairs too. It’s because he’s so wonderful. Thanks for that though. I don’t need to speak to a professional, I have already. I got a lot from it x

So please explain what’s not working

She probably means that - because he's apparently unaware of your infidelities - it's not based on reality. His consent/participation/commitment is not based on reality. It's possible he would have left you if you'd told him at the time, or would still leave you now if you told him retrospectively.

I tend to find men are even less tolerant/forgiving of infidelity than women.

I know. I meant for me.
I know most people in my position at the time would have likely engaged in destructive behaviour. Mine was that. I know it’s not held in the same regard as gambling or alcohol abuse, but I meant for me, it was my escape. My addiction.

But you're not the only person in this marriage. How you see it is only half the picture.

@Greycloudlooming just to reiterate such a shame that you decided to say about your "affairs" on your OP. And much later on said it was actually about six months when you were a lot younger. IMO no you should not tell him about it. As you are thinking yourself, what is the point?? To screw up everyone's lives for nothing.

But also I have to agree with Sheridanfox (?) , your communication sounds as though it has been terrible. Post sex is no time to talk about anything.

The looking online etc sounds good but I do think you are expecting him to mind read. Yes it's obvious to you that the sex is shit but people are capable of being in such denial! I really do think you need to spell it out to him, not in bed. You don't have to crush his self esteem but I am sure you can tell him that continual nine seconds of intercourse is just not at all satisfying for you and you really need him to see a doctor. Say it!!#

If you hadn't mentioned the extra marital sex and said from the beginning that it was 9 seconds I think you would have had a much more helpful thread! But I wish you luck with the ideas here.

I get that. I just don’t get how it’s relevant to my question. The thread got derailed. I definitely do understand.

In all honesty, I don’t think he would have left me considering the circumstances at the time. He obviously would have had a whole concoction of feelings of hurt anger and disgust, but I think I know he’d have been empathetic in a round about way and would have wanted to work through things.

I also know had I’d not had those affairs, my marriage would have ended. So swings and roundabouts.

Away from the focus on your sex life and the past infidelities; I'm surprised more people aren't focusing on your bereavements and whether you've had counselling and for how long.

You lost both your parents within days of each other and you seemed to say it was caused by someone else; was it a fatal car accident?

I'm so sorry op; that is so huge that I don't know how someone could function without long-term or ongoing counselling.

Thank you. You’re so right I need to bite the bullet and ask him to sort it out. We have discussed it outside of the bedroom in the past. It just seems for him it’s out of sight, out of mind. Thanks