Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 11:47

Herbiebanannas · 29/03/2023 11:46

Woman on top normally means a man lasts longer.

Consumption of alcohol normally means a man lasts longer.

Small doses of anti depressants can be used to treat premature ejaculation. In fact one of the main side effects for men who take them for mental health issues is taking a long time to ejacukate or not ejaculating at al.

It would be in his interests (as well as from a relationship point of view) to look into all the options suggested in the thread for his own pleasure as well. He is also massively missing out if he is only lasting a few seconds.

The easiest and quickest way for him to fix this, assuming no underlying medical issue, is to literally take matters into his own hands (or yours) and spend a few weeks learning to hold off and with a really tight grip. You are basically looking to achieve the opposite of what women complain about when they say their men wank to much and can’t be satisfied by PIV.

Really, you need to talk to him. In this house it would probably become a fun and enjoyable journey together trying different things and making a joke of it. Don’t put too much pressure on him (despite the fact he should have sorted it out years ago)

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
JessieLongleg · 29/03/2023 11:50

@ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist

Hahaha

I don't have a thigh gap

I only got offered a c section two days before birth after a mri as the hospital didn't want anymore damage to my back. The whole pregnancy the baby was measuring in top 2%/for the head size. I didn't argue with the hospital to have a natural birth.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 29/03/2023 11:56

That sounds so frustrating. What I don’t get is what his reluctance is to a GP appointment if he’s been willing to try everything else!?

standingupforitanywhere · 29/03/2023 11:57

Same here. Been sexless for about ten years now.

He's not good with toys and oral, can be clumsy so I'm braved for pain all the time, doesn't understand the process of it building up then releasing, and manages one or perhaps two thrusts.

Totally pointless so it's off the table. He understands it as 'you're not keen on that sort of thing' rather than understanding he's really shit in bed.

I tried explaining for years, asking for what I want, showing him what works etc.

Spottycarousel · 29/03/2023 12:03

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 11:24

That’s all I feel I’ll be doing. I’ll be making myself feel better by unburdening myself from holding onto so much guilt, and laying it on him.

I know if roles were reversed I would rather not know after so much time had passed.

I deeply regret not telling him at the time. I intended to but well meaning friends and family talked me out of it. I wish I told him then. I even more so wish I didn’t even have the affairs but I can’t change that.

I understand the perspective of others advising me to tell him as our whole relationship has been a lie. But it hasn’t been a lie or even based on a lie. I royally fucked up but in 20 years and 8 months, I’ve been faithful for more than 20 years. It’s a bloody long time and I think people see “affair” and lose perception of the time.

I know what I did was wrong. Grief from losing both parents within days of one another while I was still so young and with a new baby, I was a hormonal grieving monster. I don’t even know that person I was. She isn’t me. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of what I did. I hate myself and regret it all the time. I know if I tell him I’d feel better like the world had lifted off my shoulders, but all I’d be doing is transferring that pain onto him. How is that kind?

Thank you x

Show quote history

You've got a really good head on the situation.

A lot of people here have been cheated on and I can understand the anger but I also think like you that if 10 years had passed I wouldn't appreciate being told by a partner that 10 years ago they had cheated on me because they were in a bad place. I would feel devastated and for what?

All these lofty ideas about the partner having a right to know sound good in theory but I'm a big believer that there's no sense in hurting someone unnecessarily IF the past is well and truly in the past. Obviously if the affair had been in the last year that would be a completely different situation. But yen years down the line a sudden confession works achieve nothing but hurt and two wrecked lives. If there's no chance whatsoever in him finding out then I would let the past rest.

It's a shame your thread has become about the affair 10 years ago but hopefully you Ve got some ideas about how you can deal with the sexual problems.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:20

Spottycarousel · 29/03/2023 12:03

You've got a really good head on the situation.

A lot of people here have been cheated on and I can understand the anger but I also think like you that if 10 years had passed I wouldn't appreciate being told by a partner that 10 years ago they had cheated on me because they were in a bad place. I would feel devastated and for what?

All these lofty ideas about the partner having a right to know sound good in theory but I'm a big believer that there's no sense in hurting someone unnecessarily IF the past is well and truly in the past. Obviously if the affair had been in the last year that would be a completely different situation. But yen years down the line a sudden confession works achieve nothing but hurt and two wrecked lives. If there's no chance whatsoever in him finding out then I would let the past rest.

It's a shame your thread has become about the affair 10 years ago but hopefully you Ve got some ideas about how you can deal with the sexual problems.

Show quote history

Thank you

I have had some wonderful ideas to try, I appreciate them so much.

And yes. Fully understand the anger and pain some people have regarding affairs. Had mine been recent I undoubtedly would tell him. Holding a secret like this is soul destroying. And well deserved. I deserve that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:21

standingupforitanywhere · 29/03/2023 11:57

Same here. Been sexless for about ten years now.

He's not good with toys and oral, can be clumsy so I'm braved for pain all the time, doesn't understand the process of it building up then releasing, and manages one or perhaps two thrusts.

Totally pointless so it's off the table. He understands it as 'you're not keen on that sort of thing' rather than understanding he's really shit in bed.

I tried explaining for years, asking for what I want, showing him what works etc.

I’m so sorry x

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:21

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 29/03/2023 11:56

That sounds so frustrating. What I don’t get is what his reluctance is to a GP appointment if he’s been willing to try everything else!?

I know. That’s the most frustrating thing.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 29/03/2023 12:33

Fascinating post.

I think you need an honest conversation and perhaps, an agreement that you stay married but you can seek no-commitment sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

MWBE · 29/03/2023 12:34

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:20

Thank you

I have had some wonderful ideas to try, I appreciate them so much.

And yes. Fully understand the anger and pain some people have regarding affairs. Had mine been recent I undoubtedly would tell him. Holding a secret like this is soul destroying. And well deserved. I deserve that.

Show quote history

But it was recent at one point and you didn’t. You could have told him a year or so later even. I agree that you are minimising and making excuses. I hope your husband finds out the truth, he deserves to know and be free to choose whether he wants to continue a relationship with you.

Fantasmic143 · 29/03/2023 12:38

I have found this thread quite interesting as my DH of 29 years has had a similar issue though some things have helped, some not so much. The issue has resolved itself entirely as he has had some MH issues due to survivor guilt from cancer and has been taking anti-depressants. One of the side effects is delayed ejaculation and we are now having the best sex of our marriage! Good luck with some of the excellent suggestions on this thread, OP.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:47

MWBE · 29/03/2023 12:34

But it was recent at one point and you didn’t. You could have told him a year or so later even. I agree that you are minimising and making excuses. I hope your husband finds out the truth, he deserves to know and be free to choose whether he wants to continue a relationship with you.

Show quote history

Hardly minimising when I’ve replied 28 times calling myself wrong, pathetic, selfish, hate myself. Given context. Said how I was going to tell him but was stupidly talked out of it.

I can not fucking change the past.

Shall we move on from that part. Literally I fucking hate myself because of it.

It would be spiteful and selfish to tell him now. I should have told him at the time but I didn’t. If I could I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:48

Fantasmic143 · 29/03/2023 12:38

I have found this thread quite interesting as my DH of 29 years has had a similar issue though some things have helped, some not so much. The issue has resolved itself entirely as he has had some MH issues due to survivor guilt from cancer and has been taking anti-depressants. One of the side effects is delayed ejaculation and we are now having the best sex of our marriage! Good luck with some of the excellent suggestions on this thread, OP.

Thank you and wow that’s grey the situation resolved for you x

OP posts:
MWBE · 29/03/2023 12:52

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 12:47

Hardly minimising when I’ve replied 28 times calling myself wrong, pathetic, selfish, hate myself. Given context. Said how I was going to tell him but was stupidly talked out of it.

I can not fucking change the past.

Shall we move on from that part. Literally I fucking hate myself because of it.

It would be spiteful and selfish to tell him now. I should have told him at the time but I didn’t. If I could I would.

Show quote history

I don’t really think you can post what you have and then expect posters to not think the cheating is a problem that can just be moved on from. You keep saying you hate yourself but then keep defending it and saying it would be unkind to tell him. Whenever I’ve talked with friends and work colleagues about cheating, we’ve all agreed we’d want to know.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:04

MWBE · 29/03/2023 12:52

I don’t really think you can post what you have and then expect posters to not think the cheating is a problem that can just be moved on from. You keep saying you hate yourself but then keep defending it and saying it would be unkind to tell him. Whenever I’ve talked with friends and work colleagues about cheating, we’ve all agreed we’d want to know.

Show quote history

It has been a decade.
I wouldn’t want to know. I’m so sure he wouldn’t want to know now. Just because you and your colleagues would like to know doesn’t mean inflicting pain on someone and destroying a family - a family had AFTER the affairs - is the right thing to do.
I was going to tell him. I was a mess. My friends, his sister, my family all told me not to tell him.

I am not defending my affairs. Or condoning them. Or justifying. But can you at least try to imagine yourself as a brand new mum with bad PND, whose parents were both brutally murdered and died within days of one another. Would you be sane? I definitely wasn’t. And that’s the period that this all happened.

This thread is being derailed now. I can’t change what happened. And I’m not here to discuss that. I’m here to find some ideas of how I can help my sex life now and going forward for me AND my husband. You have your opinions and I agree. But opinions are like butt holes and I don’t want to be seeing them. I’m here for proactive advice which so many posters have kindly offered.

Thanks

OP posts:
Arsewangry · 29/03/2023 13:10

FindingKiki · 29/03/2023 09:51

I could have written this post myself. My husband and I have have also been together for 20yrs and has always been the same, when he was younger it was manageable as he could go again in a few minutes but as DH has got older that's not possible. It is literally over within seconds,I'm so frustrated that I keep fantasizing about every man I pass 😭

Same here, my dh didn't believe in sex outside of marriage so the first time we dtd was our wedding night. Now 17 years later we sleep separately as I've lost all interest. Its pointless hyping myself up for 20 seconds of unfulfilling sex. He never liked oral either so I'm now 40 and completely sexless.

MWBE · 29/03/2023 13:11

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:04

It has been a decade.
I wouldn’t want to know. I’m so sure he wouldn’t want to know now. Just because you and your colleagues would like to know doesn’t mean inflicting pain on someone and destroying a family - a family had AFTER the affairs - is the right thing to do.
I was going to tell him. I was a mess. My friends, his sister, my family all told me not to tell him.

I am not defending my affairs. Or condoning them. Or justifying. But can you at least try to imagine yourself as a brand new mum with bad PND, whose parents were both brutally murdered and died within days of one another. Would you be sane? I definitely wasn’t. And that’s the period that this all happened.

This thread is being derailed now. I can’t change what happened. And I’m not here to discuss that. I’m here to find some ideas of how I can help my sex life now and going forward for me AND my husband. You have your opinions and I agree. But opinions are like butt holes and I don’t want to be seeing them. I’m here for proactive advice which so many posters have kindly offered.

Thanks

Show quote history

Again, as long as posters stay within talk guidelines, you don’t get to shut people down.

The family made AFTER the affairs, may never have been made if you had told him. You can’t use that as an excuse now.

Affairs are a choice.

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:18

Arsewangry · 29/03/2023 13:10

Same here, my dh didn't believe in sex outside of marriage so the first time we dtd was our wedding night. Now 17 years later we sleep separately as I've lost all interest. Its pointless hyping myself up for 20 seconds of unfulfilling sex. He never liked oral either so I'm now 40 and completely sexless.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry x

OP posts:
MWBE · 29/03/2023 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If you post on a forum, you’re going to get opinions. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Vivaleconfused · 29/03/2023 13:25

MWBE · 29/03/2023 13:11

Again, as long as posters stay within talk guidelines, you don’t get to shut people down.

The family made AFTER the affairs, may never have been made if you had told him. You can’t use that as an excuse now.

Affairs are a choice.

Show quote history

You sound like a pain in the tits

Vivaleconfused · 29/03/2023 13:26

MWBE · 29/03/2023 13:25

If you post on a forum, you’re going to get opinions. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

And a bully.

Vivaleconfused · 29/03/2023 13:28

But Op didn’t ask for opinions she asked for advice which 95% of people managed. Ur like a broken record

Original poster
Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 13:29

Vivaleconfused · 29/03/2023 13:26

And a bully.

Show quote history

It’s ok. I’m ignoring, but thanks x

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 29/03/2023 13:30

@MWBE you shared your opinion as is your right. Fine.
You are now just wittering on without adding anything, except grief for the OP.

If @Vivaleconfused were to come back every couple of posts to shout 'and by the way, you're a bully!', well that's the equivalent of what you are doing.