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Original poster

Really bad sex

232 replies

Greycloudlooming · 29/03/2023 04:58

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 29/03/2023 07:36

The average amount of time for penetrative sex is 3-7 minutes.

You've never once complained or made him feel bad about it, but you have had affairs instead. That's so avoidant!! Why can't you, in twenty years, explain that it's the most important aspect of sex for you (although ... why then choose someone whose issue in bed exactly clashes with your needs?) ?

It seems a bit late now for solutions. That would involve open conversation on your part and a willingness to try solutions on his part. There might not be any workable solution anyway that made him last longer. But are you even willing to talk?

I'd be tempted to outsource again tbh.

MaggieThatchersFridge · 29/03/2023 07:40

I’d sit him down and say quite firmly that if he loved me, he would care about my sexual pleasure and would make a GP appointment there and then. And then hand him his phone.

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 07:42

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

The equivalent would be a woman who was unable be penetrated by her partner, such as vaginismus.

If a woman refused to try and get that issue sorted then, of course, her partner would be entitled to feel aggrieved in the same way the OP is aggrieved here!

Of course, there will be some who will still blame the man if he posted such a thread on here, but a man could cure cancer and he'd still be criticised by some posters! "If he wasn't a man, he'd have found the cure sooner!" etc.

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 07:43

You've never once complained or made him feel bad about it, but you have had affairs instead. That's so avoidant!!

Yes, this is the really fucked up bit here OP.

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 29/03/2023 07:45

A couple of this maybe you could try

  • could you be in control of the thrusting, you do what you feels good, keeping in mind to go slow, stop and start when you feel he is going to come.
  • make it into a game - instead of lasting 1 minute, see if it can last 1.5 minutes - build it to 2, keep building till it lasts for longer. Play along with him.
BillyDeanisnotmylover · 29/03/2023 07:46

Book a session with a sex and relationship counsellor for you both. And/or book him an appointment with a Dr.
He’s not had to do anything about it for 20 years as you’ve been kind and not made him feel bad about it. You don’t have to make him feel bad, but you do have to be the one to instigate the process that hopefully will lead to change.
He’s unlikely to do it himself. He’s been burying his head in the sand successfully, with few repercussions, for 20 years. He’s probably embarrassed and worried nothing can be done. These feelings are greater than his desire to change.
Good luck.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/03/2023 07:47

TBF Op, if he’s great at oral and toys it isn’t entirely shite, and that doesn’t seem to square with him not caring at all.

But as to PIV I would say that you now need this sorting out, and that is that - so it’s to the doc or no more PIV. Once the doc has done any basic tests then I’d go to a sec therapist also.

Just tell him it’s really important to you so that’s what needs to happen.

Blip · 29/03/2023 07:49

This can be a sign of serious underlying health issues so it's unwise and irresponsible not to have it investigated further with the GP.

I question whether your DH really is a great husband in other respects...so often people say this but then they are the only person who thinks it.

chimayrah1 · 29/03/2023 07:52

If a man posted on here saying he'd had affairs because his wife wasn't sexually satisfying him he'd not be getting these responses.

LlamaFace19 · 29/03/2023 07:52

I can't believe how many people have completely glossed over that OP has had affairs instead of tackling the issue. If genders were reversed people would not be so sympathetic.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/03/2023 07:54

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 05:12

I can just imagine the response a man would get on here if he "demanded" that his "frigid" wife go to a GP to get herself "sorted" because he wasn't happy with her sexual performance.

It certainly wouldn't be sympathetic!

The OP didn’t call him frigid or anything like it.

If someone posted, I don’t want to have PIV sex because it hurts, and I don’t want to see a doc either, after 20 years my husband says I have to seek help - AIBU?

Most responses would be - you do what you want, but yeah YABU if it’s important to you that your husband stay.

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 07:54

Herbiebanannas · 29/03/2023 05:05

Jeez. He needs to do something or do one.

Has he looked at any options or techniques to try and improve things? There are loads that even a quick google throws up

Why? OP has admitted to cheating on him and being miserable. If a man admitted to cheating on his wife because of bad sex, everyone would be (rightly) apoplectic. Why is it different for a woman?

LlamaFace19 · 29/03/2023 07:54

@chimayrah1 nope he'd be raked over the coals and rightfully so. But because it's a woman it's fine.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/03/2023 07:56

LlamaFace19 · 29/03/2023 07:52

I can't believe how many people have completely glossed over that OP has had affairs instead of tackling the issue. If genders were reversed people would not be so sympathetic.

This bit is true, but I think it’s mostly because it’s at the end of the post, and people were already thinking of their DIY sex improvement techniques.

bagofdogshit · 29/03/2023 07:59

So rather than telling him how frustrated you were and that it needed to be fixed, you just had sex with other people?!

Tuilpmouse · 29/03/2023 08:10

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 29/03/2023 07:45

A couple of this maybe you could try

  • could you be in control of the thrusting, you do what you feels good, keeping in mind to go slow, stop and start when you feel he is going to come.
  • make it into a game - instead of lasting 1 minute, see if it can last 1.5 minutes - build it to 2, keep building till it lasts for longer. Play along with him.

Yes, sex isn't all about banging away at speed from the moment of entry. Slow, even real slow, can feel really good, and would surely lengthen the time before climax, and hopefully build endurance in him

Luckydip1 · 29/03/2023 08:11

He has PE, he should see a doctor and ask for meds to help, and tell him you want him to make you orgasm before he finishes every time.

Anonhopingforbaby · 29/03/2023 08:16

Luckydip1 · 29/03/2023 08:11

He has PE, he should see a doctor and ask for meds to help, and tell him you want him to make you orgasm before he finishes every time.

Is this before or after OP has had an extra marital affair?

Eleganz · 29/03/2023 08:19

I reckon you might be reaping what you sow here OP. You say you haven't been upfront about this issue so you've had affairs instead. You sound quite resentful and not really interested in your husband to be honest.

I'd say you are probably a lost cause.

Choconut · 29/03/2023 08:24

I've got no sympathy. You married him and had kids with him knowing full well that this was an issue. You never mentioned it once but instead shagged around behind his back. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself because him being a wonderful person and giving great oral isn't enough for you.

Do him a huge favour and leave him.

NoDatingForOldMen · 29/03/2023 08:27

LlamaFace19 · 29/03/2023 07:52

I can't believe how many people have completely glossed over that OP has had affairs instead of tackling the issue. If genders were reversed people would not be so sympathetic.

Because this a female forum, and the sin of a man being shit in bed seems of outweigh the sin of a woman cheating and at the same time keeping her beautiful family,

Disneyblueeyes · 29/03/2023 08:28

My DH can be a bit like this.
It's fine though as I don't get off through penetrative sex anyway. In fact mine tends to be done and dusted before penetrative even happens.

ArcticSkewer · 29/03/2023 08:34

Disneyblueeyes · 29/03/2023 08:28

My DH can be a bit like this.
It's fine though as I don't get off through penetrative sex anyway. In fact mine tends to be done and dusted before penetrative even happens.

I'm like that as well.

God knows why op decided to choose someone who couldn't meet her personal sexual needs.

It would be like me choosing someone who banged away for 30 minutes (yawn) but was shit at oral. Not going to happen in my world, I can tell you.

Phoenix9 · 29/03/2023 08:43

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

ExDH finally went to the doctors and had very low testerone, which they prescribed medication for, and it did improve things slightly.

Unfortunately it was all a little too late for us and a load of other things, means we did eventually separate, we're both a lot happier and have a good co-parenting relationship though.

YRGAM · 29/03/2023 08:44

You're getting a very easy time here. Having affairs instead of addressing the problem is disgusting. If you actually want to fix the problem, why haven't you suggested sex therapy? He's not doing this on purpose, and even if he called a GP there's no magic treatment that will make him last how long you want him to. To be honest, you're treating him like a broken machine that needs to be fixed, this will doubtlessly be contributing to the problem for him mentally, and I agree with @TrishM80 that if the genders were reversed you'd be getting absolutely slaughtered.

If you're not prepared to try counselling, do him a favour so he can leave and have a sexual relationship with someone who's going to treat him a bit better

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