Really bad sex

[Greycloudlooming]

Hi,
I have just name changed for this thread, but I am a regular, long term and genuine poster - mumsnet can confirm this.
Sorry if this turns out to be so long.

I have been with my DH for 20 years. Married 18.

I have got to the point where I just do not want sex with him anymore. It’s unfulfilling and tbh…shit. It always has been pretty dire but it’s started to really bother me the older I’ve got.

When we first got together, he’d last around a minute, if we were lucky. He’d say things like “I don’t last long because you’re so attractive” etc. My poor self esteem lapped that up and because he was young, he’d be ready to go again for round 2,3,4 etc quickly. Each additional round would be the same, a minute, if that. If he orgasms before intercourse it makes no difference. BTW, this is a minute or less with a condom on. A fraction of that time without a condom.

He doesn’t watch porn. Fuck, he’d probably self combust. I’m anti porn but I’ve even in the past asked him to watch loads so he’s less sensitive. He won’t, which is fair enough.

I’ve tried distracting him from orgasming. When I was young I even started speaking about his mum during sex to put him off coming as I was so frustrated. It didn’t work.

We have children. A beautiful family and he’s perfect aside from this. He’s amazing at oral and using toys etc, but I just want to be fucked. Oral isn’t the same! The very second it begins to ever feel good for me, it stops. This has been happening for just over 20 years and I can’t take anymore!

I am ashamed to say that I have had no strings affairs in the past. I feel beyond shit for it and can’t justify them other than I was so selfish. I haven’t had extra marital sex for over a decade now and I won’t again, but I can’t live like this.

I don’t want to leave him. He’s my best friend and a great person. But I just cannot be arsed to have sex with him anymore. There is literally no point. It ends with me feeing frustrated. He can only
go once these days and pretty much finishes, tells me how sorry he is that he didn’t last long before rolling over and falling asleep.

I don’t even want him to give me oral anymore because it doesn’t hit the same.

He knows it’s an issue.
I used to be sympathetic- I still am, but I’m sure he can detect my frustration. He says every single fucking time that he’ll see a dr to get help. He hasn’t. I don’t think he ever will. Why would he? He gets what he wants so he’s happy. He fees shit for ten mins before falling asleep but isn’t doing anything to resolve the issue. He likely thinks my lack of wanting sex is down to hormones or pre menopause. It isn’t. I’m so horny, it’s actually making me go insane.

I have thought about giving him an ultimatum in the past; calling his bluff telling him to get to the dr or I’ll leave. But I can’t do that. The thing is, the frustration has lead to me just not fancying him at all anymore. We’re like housemates or siblings. We had sex last night. I went into it thinking “at least it’ll be over before I know it and then I can go to sleep and not have to do this again for a while”. How sad and pathetic is that. 20 seconds boys and girls, twenty seconds. He’s 46, not 14. This should not be happening.

I am venting. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from this.

🤭

I know hence why I’ve never justified it. You’ll see so many of my responses on here saying how fucking selfish I was and such an idiot. I hate myself for it and trust me you or nobody can make me feel any worse for it. I already hate myself enough for it.

i understand. Just things to rule out…

-overly-religious upbringing?
-overly-conservative upbringing i.e. sex is dirty
-sexual abuse as a child?
-sexually shamed as a child for masturbating (so he learned to cone quickly)?
-you say sexually naive. That’s a thing. Is he sexually under-confident? Sounds as if he had little experience before you. Is there an underlying shame. He might not even be conscious of it. He needs to speak to a psychologist.

I think @Choconut has hit it on the head. I think your husband deserves better tbh. He still gives oral, he uses toys, yes I appreciate 1 minute of sex must be incredibly frustrating and he absolutely should get it checked out. But to have affairs when hes a good person/husband in every other respect is despicable. Plus you have the added bonus of a man who doesn't watch porn (rare gem these days). Furthermore, you say you're anti porn (presumably for ethical reasons), yet you actively encourage your husband to wank over potentially abuses woman so YOU can have a bit more pleasure? Seriously OP if you were a man you'd be getting your arse handed to you. Also you say you haven't complained in 20 years, but when he says "that was shit", you're saying "yes it was". Again, I know how frustrating it is, I had an ex like that, but bloody hell it seems like you're not doing too badly if his only flaw is PE.

fairs xD

You have tried to justify it. And you hate yourself but not enough to tell the man you apparently love the truth. It’s really disrespectful to allow another person to live in a lie.

No to overly religious or conservative upbringing.
no sexual abuse.
he’s only ever had sex with me (that I know of - I was his first, we were young).

Appreciate your help x

Yes you’ve made your thoughts very clear.
I am not sure if you’re here to help or for the drama now.

I appreciate your point of view, I really do. I agree with you. But being pragmatic, telling him now something that happened over a decade ago, before kids, would hurt him. It’d hurt our family. It’d make me feel a million times better right now telling him but I’d be transferring my hurt onto him.

And yes. I hate myself. I genuinely do. I don’t deserve him. I know that. I’ve said it time and time again in this thread and in real life. I don’t know what more you want me to say. I could tell him right now and I know the fucking world would be lifted off my shoulders. I’d feel SO much better.

Do you also squeak when you walk? #TightFannyProblems

Yes.
I’m not having affairs though, just to clarify.
Affairs happened when I was a LOT younger - 10 years ago. They were wrong. I lost both my parents within days of one another and had a new(ish) baby. I have no idea why I did what I did other than I was selfish, foolish, an idiot, a slut…. I am ashamed. I hate Myself for it and if I could go back and change it then I would. I can’t change the past. I am a loser, I know that.

But for 10 years before the affairs and for 10 years after, my sex life has consisted of 3-10 thrusts among a promise of seeing a doctor to sort out the issue. That right now is my issue.

Yes I am lucky to have him. Yea I don’t deserve him. Yes I’m lucky he gives me oral and uses toys on me. I return the favour. But oral and toys isn’t the same. I want to make love to the man I love for more than a few seconds. HE also wants to last longer - or at least says he does.

And I never complain. I just don’t disagree with him when he says “that was shit, I’m sorry”. I don’t say “yes it was”, I literally just say “you’re ok”.

And no, I don’t think I’m doing badly at all when his only flaw is PE. But you only live once and I deserve good sex in this lifetime, while I still can. And he deserves to feel good about himself afterwards.

As for porn wanking that I was encouraging. Firstly that was YEARS ago when I was like 19!!!!! Secondly, homemade porn that I can make, ethically, he won’t even do that. It’s to desensitise him.

Haha 😂
I don’t think being tight enough to wear a teenage menstrual cup or “being the type of woman to do some work during sex” makes a slight difference. Vaginas stretch the same! But I just love that naive confidence that poster has, just gorgeous! Genuinely!

Op This won't be a popular opinion but don't tell your husband about affair. I agree with you that it was 10 years ago and all it's gonna do is cause pain and hurt where there was none before. What is the point in that?? The past is done. Focus on what you want to do going forward.

It sounds as if he hasn’t graduated from ‘teen sex’ then. How did your sex-life start? Quick sex in childhood bedrooms hoping parents wouldn’t hear (that’s not a criticism btw, a lot of us started there)? He hasn’t matured physically or sexually because he hasn’t had to. You’ve always been there. You deserve better.

@totothelefttotheleft

Sorry I may not have explained well but I use this brand meluna-usa.com/the-meluna-usa-menstrual-cup-size-chart/

Use the smallest which is aimed at teenagers but I get the sports version as not a teenager. Same when I had a diaphragm always had the smallest size when. I had it fitted and the nurse said my pelvic muscle is my strongest I have.

One of my ex's says about men's and his ability to not last that long with myself "it's your fault but you're not at fault".

I quite like it when men can't come due to various reasons as it's the only way I get longer sex. Young boys(as in 25) are always boosting they can give me all night long sex but I did it once and totally shattered the boy lol.

That’s all I feel I’ll be doing. I’ll be making myself feel better by unburdening myself from holding onto so much guilt, and laying it on him.

I know if roles were reversed I would rather not know after so much time had passed.

I deeply regret not telling him at the time. I intended to but well meaning friends and family talked me out of it. I wish I told him then. I even more so wish I didn’t even have the affairs but I can’t change that.

I understand the perspective of others advising me to tell him as our whole relationship has been a lie. But it hasn’t been a lie or even based on a lie. I royally fucked up but in 20 years and 8 months, I’ve been faithful for more than 20 years. It’s a bloody long time and I think people see “affair” and lose perception of the time.

I know what I did was wrong. Grief from losing both parents within days of one another while I was still so young and with a new baby, I was a hormonal grieving monster. I don’t even know that person I was. She isn’t me. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of what I did. I hate myself and regret it all the time. I know if I tell him I’d feel better like the world had lifted off my shoulders, but all I’d be doing is transferring that pain onto him. How is that kind?

Thank you x

Thank you. Honestly you’ve been so much help and I really appreciate your time.

Teen sex is what I refer it to. Secretly, not to him. He’s like a honey 13 year old 40-something man! It’s almost cute if it wasn’t so frustrating!

🏅

when he says “that was shit, I’m sorry”. I don’t say “yes it was”, I literally just say “you’re ok”.

That's really poor communication. Although if he says that after every shag I can see it would be difficult.

It's obviously become a big deal for you along the way, and you are gaining the confidence to talk about it. Yet it also sounds like over the years the pair of you have in fact tried many strategies, so presumably it was something you talked about? What happened? Did you both just give up as nothing worked? Routine set back in?

I don't personally define good sex via how long someone lasts. I'm going to assume you don't either too, really. So focus in your conversation on the entirety of what good sex would look like to you. If it literally looks like how long someone can stay hard inside you though, then perhaps a conversation about opening up the marriage or separating or just stopping having sex as it isn't working for you.

I kind of agree with you here.

You can buy Viagra over the counter without a prescription. March him in there and get it purchased!

Oh, I’m so sorry for you. That type of sex isn’t at all what a mature woman needs. It’s not just the physical, but the emotional connection which you deserve from slower more sensual lovemaking. He is basically masturbating into your body.

For what it’s worth, I also don’t think you should tell him of your affairs. It sounds as if self-preservation at an enormously difficult time of loss and confusion is what drove them. Humans are complex. And yes, you cheated, but he has ‘cheated’ you for decades. The fact he won’t seek help is a betrayal of his vow to cherish you when you married.

You’re minimising again. She is you, you did it. And now you’re choosing for your husband to spend his life living a lie. It’s unforgivable. Stop pretending you’re being kind.

No point me commenting further, you clearly see what you’re doing as the right thing but that’s not surprising. Cheaters cheat, minimise and think of themselves. Poor bloke.

It’s difficult to be honest afterwards as he’s already feeling bad about himself. I never want to make him feel worse.

At the beginning of the relationship I used to say “ah no worries” etc. Mainly as it wasn’t really a worry as he’d be good to go again in a few seconds.

As the years have gone by I’ve changed tactic, anything from consoling him “you’re okay” so he knows I’m disappointed but I’m consoling his feelings.

When he suggests “I think I should see a doctor to see if there’s anything I can take to help me last longer” I say “yea that’s a great idea”. I’ve sighed afterwards once or twice, not a dramatic sigh but a slight sigh just enough so he can detect disappointment. Or he’ll apologise and I’ll just hold him and say nothing.

During non sex time, we speak about it. I’ll ask if he’s booked an appointment. This is years ago, mind you. We’ve googled things when he’s said he just wishes he’d last longer. We’ve had conversations but it seems the very second the conversation is over, he just forgets about it!

If 3-7 mins is the average, I’d happily take the 3 mins right now. It’s better than 3 thrusts.

We have tried to look at a clock to try and last longer. We’ve tried orgasming first. Nothing changes it, so far.

I will definitely try the condones suggested earlier in the thread and see if they make a difference.

I want this for him as much as me too. It’s not about me having shit sex and feeling sorry for myself. He feels rubbish too, so I want this for him too. I want him to feel amazing afterwards, not pity.

Woman on top normally means a man lasts longer.

Consumption of alcohol normally means a man lasts longer.

Small doses of anti depressants can be used to treat premature ejaculation. In fact one of the main side effects for men who take them for mental health issues is taking a long time to ejacukate or not ejaculating at al.

It would be in his interests (as well as from a relationship point of view) to look into all the options suggested in the thread for his own pleasure as well. He is also massively missing out if he is only lasting a few seconds.

The easiest and quickest way for him to fix this, assuming no underlying medical issue, is to literally take matters into his own hands (or yours) and spend a few weeks learning to hold off and with a really tight grip. You are basically looking to achieve the opposite of what women complain about when they say their men wank to much and can’t be satisfied by PIV.

Really, you need to talk to him. In this house it would probably become a fun and enjoyable journey together trying different things and making a joke of it. Don’t put too much pressure on him (despite the fact he should have sorted it out years ago)

I’m glad you’re not going to continue to comment.

I have never minimised it. I did a horrendous and unforgivable thing.

Yes cheaters cheat. I cheated. I’ve spent a decade (more actually) being faithful. Many relationships don’t even last that.

And no. She wasn’t me. You lose both your parents in horrendous circumstances within days of one another while you’re already a hormonal wreck from PND and then tell me you’re in the same frame of mind as you usually are.

It isn’t as black and white as you think.

I get it. You want me to tell him right now that I cheated over a decade ago. You want me to cause him pain. Why? What for?