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Original poster

Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

196 replies

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:22

I forgot to just mention, that this male coworker and I are both leaving our workplace this summer, to go to different places

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 26/03/2023 19:23

He is not a free agent.
You are having an emotional affair and heading to an actual affair
You need to stop this now.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/03/2023 19:24

He is in a relationship. It doesn't matter how strong the chemistry is. He is taken.

If he really wants to be with you, then he needs to end his existing relationship with his partner first, move out etc. If he doesn't do that before getting into any kind of relationship with you, then the "chemistry" really isn't as strong as you think it is.

Until he is single, you don't get involved.

GlitterSquid · 26/03/2023 19:25

Honestly Laura, guard and protect your heart.
I won't berate you for having feelings for someone who is taken, we fall for who we fall for, wether we act on it or not....but please do be aware that in reality he's probably enjoying the flattering attention and likely will protect his home and financial security at all costs if it really comes down to it.

Soes · 26/03/2023 19:26

If someone is in an established relationship with kid/s, I would back off and find someone single. You have a choice, don’t fuck up other people’s lives.

Kranke · 26/03/2023 19:27

What would be the best case scenario for you? Do you want to have an affair, or for him to leave his partner and child? It’s hard for adults to recover from an affair, let alone a child. Put yourself in his position, then his partner’s, then his child. Go through all the possible permutations. If he does leave for you, would you respect a man who leaves his child for sex?

If he’s unhappy with his partner, then he can leave. Once he’s dealt with the fall out, found somewhere else to live, sorted out maintenance and access - then you could look to starting a relationship?

Kranke · 26/03/2023 19:28

Oh and have a read of the step-parenting boards. That might give you some real life perspective.

vincettenoir · 26/03/2023 19:28

The kind of feelings that you are describing are common. I have had work crushes, everyone has.

Sometimes they might lead to something but most times they don’t. I don’t know how it will play out for you but it might help to remember that this is not that unusual.

pixie5121 · 26/03/2023 19:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley · 26/03/2023 19:36

Stop feeding this crush, nothing good will come of it.

letthatmango · 26/03/2023 20:03

I entirely agree with @pixie5121 I cringed when I read another woman being described as a ‘significant obstacle’. Your moral compass is not strong if you’re even contemplating assisting some creepy man in betraying his long term partner and mother of his child.

Limerance, infatuation and dopamine hits are addictive but they’re no more than that.

Beamur · 26/03/2023 20:08

Don't go there.
A man in a relationship is no catch.

HamBone · 26/03/2023 20:10

Agree with PP’s, please don’t get involved until he’s single. If his current relationship is coming to an end, let him deal with that first. Don’t been an affair partner, it’s not fair on anyone, including you.

NemoandDoris · 26/03/2023 20:11

You should do nothing except walk away. if he really genuinely feels the chemistry with you he needs to decide whether or not to split with his partner & mother of his child. Until then stay clear.

Call me cynical but often a man in his late 40s is likely having some sort of mid life crisis and testing out the charm to see if he can still attract younger woman.

HeddaGarbled · 26/03/2023 20:13

Try and see him as a stereotypical middle aged man looking for a shag with a younger woman at work (which he is) and that should help open your eyes. A walking talking cliche (including all the “connection”, “chemistry” bollocks.

Don’t be a fool.

FranksOcean · 26/03/2023 20:15

Are you sure the connection is mutual? Can you be sure it’s not all in your head?

LoveBluey · 26/03/2023 20:23

I agree that the way you / he describe the relationship is jarring. He is in a serious long term relationship, for all intents and purposes the same as being married and he is a father.

You can try to make yourself feel better about the situation but ultimately it's no different from starting something with a married man. It's still an affair. It's not for me to pass judgement on that but married or not it's still an affair.

Dinersaur · 26/03/2023 20:29

He'll most likely really hurt you.

I know it feels like this is out of your control but it doesn't have to be. And i think he'll just hurt you.

drpet49 · 26/03/2023 20:30

Soes · 26/03/2023 19:26

If someone is in an established relationship with kid/s, I would back off and find someone single. You have a choice, don’t fuck up other people’s lives.

This. Have some bloody respect for yourself and stop chasing men who are already taken.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 26/03/2023 20:35

Having this happen to me. It was one the worst things I have been through.
It's changed me as a person and my children's lives.
All because two people needed their egos feeding and a little flirt at work.

It's selfish. Connection lol. Yeah because 16 years and a child isn't a 'connection'.
What you have is very special and worth ruining people's lives.. 🙄

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/03/2023 20:35

He's in a relationship where there is a child. That's all there should be to it. She's not a significant obstacle, she's his partner. You are a colleague. Grow up and get some morals, if you ever had a strong moral compass you wouldn't even be contemplating this.

Bootlass · 26/03/2023 20:43

we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

What exactly does this mean?

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 26/03/2023 20:47

If he left his long term partner for you how could you ever trust him?

Do you think you, or your connection with this man, is any more special than his partner? Or is it just newer? If he leaves her for you someone else will be newer in the future.

You are mid thirties- do you want children? If so do you want biological children with this man, would he want them with you? It’s not a great foundation.

Is he worth becoming a step parent?

He sounds at least 12 years older than you, he will seem very old when you are mid forties.

Oh and back off another woman’s partner (no matter how unworthy a prize he may be) and don’t be an awful human being.

Piffle11 · 26/03/2023 21:13

Okay.

So I guess you're around 34, and he's around 48… Do you want him to leave his family for you? Because that's what the three of them currently are: a family.

Do you want to be with him long-term? There is a massive difference between a man edging towards 50, and a man edging towards 60.

Do you want to have children? If so, is he willing to start all over again with you? A baby when you're in your early 30s is massively different to a baby in your early 50s.

Are you willing to become stepparent to what will probably be an incredibly hostile teenager? And you will no doubt always come 2nd to that child, as your DP tries to make amends for wrecking his home life.

Are you ready to jump in with both feet as soon as this man is free? Because he's going to have to provide for the child and will need somewhere to live… Are you happy for him to move in with you straight away? Before you've even become a couple?

You've never spent any time with this man outside of work. All you really know about him is what he has told you. He's no doubt given you the best version of himself. Chances are, when he moves onto his new place of work, there will be a woman there who he will form the same 'connection' with.

Right now, it's exciting: it's forbidden, you need to keep this secret to yourselves, you are both fighting the attraction. Do you think perhaps you are caught up in the drama of it all?

If you are both leaving the place of work within the next few months, you have the perfect opportunity to cut all ties.

MissTrip82 · 26/03/2023 21:18

This happened to me. I left the workplace before anything happened, to make sure I couldn’t make a choice I’d regret. I had to decide who I was and whether I was prepared to do something for my own selfish reasons that would devastate another woman and their children. I don’t make a habit of harming people just because I don’t know them. Especially children.

Your ‘strong moral compass’ is only as strong as your actions. It’s failing you,

I’m interested in why you included the details that she’s older than him, and that he calls it ‘living in sin’. Have you fallen into the trap of thinking you’re in competition with other women, and that if you’re younger you ‘win’? Or do you imagine that if people share a life and a child together betrayal doesn’t hurt unless they’re actually married?