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Original poster

Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

196 replies

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP posts:
OMGitsnotgood · 27/03/2023 00:15

I won't judge you for being attracted to him, you can't help that, and nor can he help being attracted to you. But you can help what actions you take. I'm not preaching, I worked in a male dominated environment and have been where you are more than once. What helped me was realising through what I'd seen happen with other people in similar situations:

  1. he is very likely happy in his relationship with his partner, but is excited by the attraction to and admiration from a younger colleague, and it's an escape from a long term relationship with all the domestic commitments and juggling that goes with it. A coffee/lunch could lead to a sexual relationship, emotional entanglement - and a lot of hurt for you when you realise he isn't going to leave his partner, after you've spent years without him at Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc or
  2. he leaves his partner for you. A few years down the line someone else comes along that is more exciting than the relationship you then have. It's a cliché but 'when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy' (whether they are married or not it's a long term relationship so same holds true). or
  3. He genuinely isn't happy with his partner, you are 'the one', he is faithful to you and you live happily ever after. Whilst there will be examples of this, are you prepared to take the risk of the more likely situations I outlined above? If he genuinely isn't happy in his relationship, then he needs to leave it before you start a relationship.

It's not easy i know and there's a tendency to think 'but this is different'. The vast majority of times it won't be.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/03/2023 00:28

You can't help your feelings but you can help what you do about them. This man is no catch. Getting close with another woman at work, whilst he has a partner and a young teen son? Get with him and in a few years there'll be another woman describing you as an "obstacle" too. Albeit I doubt he'd leave his partner and home life for you. How about not letting men like this have their cake and eat it x 2? & both of you getting on with your job you're there to do and leaving out the personal stuff.

RememberNancyDrew · 27/03/2023 00:32

Workplace crushes are just so common and inevitable - whether a one-way never-spoken-of crush to a full blown physical relationship. There is absolutely nothing extraordinary about yours.

He's trying to down-play his relationship by calling it living in sin. You are down-playing it by calling it an obstacle. No matter how you frame it, he is in a actual relationship with the mother of their child. Period.

You are so lucky in that both of you are leaving that workplace!! Just use self-control until then.

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 00:42

“Obstacle”. Christ. Were your parents together when you were 13 OP? If so, have a think about how the kid might feel.

You need to grow up and make the most of your new jib to get this nonsense out of your head.

LocSeeTan · 27/03/2023 00:43

MissTrip82 This happen to me and I left and got another job.
Only time I felt such a strong chemistry to someone.
Took years to get over but I later found out that I wasn't
the only member of staff that had been affected by working with this bloke.
He was emotionally unavailable, not particularly attractive but somehow managed to turn on thr charm.
I have recently discovered that he and his wife put on a great front of having this perfect life, both very career minded and competitive.
I know this as his brother now works with me( and God forbid he ever finds out about my terrible crush)

Hawkins003 · 27/03/2023 00:45

Personally, charm, flirt, indulge, be intriguing ect, but and but, let him feel he's chasing you, and make sure he's the one to offer the olive branch for an affair or drinks ect, that way keeps you certain that one, it's what he wants and two, that you don't make a pickle by suggesting an affair first etc.

all the best in your seduction op, @Laura2121

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 00:48

You need to look up what “offering an olive branch” means @Hawkins003 . Other than that, your advice is spot on…no, wait…

Hawkins003 · 27/03/2023 00:49

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 27/03/2023 00:48

You need to look up what “offering an olive branch” means @Hawkins003 . Other than that, your advice is spot on…no, wait…

Well it's basically where the op prefers, things to go, so yea,

iaapap · 27/03/2023 00:58

Instead of thinking about you, him and your chemistry - think of the child whose home and family you would be helping to break up.

You must not do this op. It would make you into a shit person IMO.

Fifi1010 · 27/03/2023 01:05

Horrible behaviour they have a child together and are a family. You obviously want to justify it to yourself because they aren't married. I'm guessing you want children he's late 40s and he has a teenager who will hate your guts. Runaway.

Hawkins00 · 27/03/2023 01:07

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:22

I forgot to just mention, that this male coworker and I are both leaving our workplace this summer, to go to different places

How do you keep in contact after hours at the moment ?

cherriestort · 27/03/2023 01:07

I wonder why the op isn't back, I think we may be on a wind-up here?

OneLongSmorgasbord · 27/03/2023 01:08

You may think you've got a strong moral compass but you don't.

Hawkins00 · 27/03/2023 01:13

cherriestort · 27/03/2023 01:07

I wonder why the op isn't back, I think we may be on a wind-up here?

If they are uk based it wil be chances are they are zzzzz as it's 1:13am

McSlowburn · 27/03/2023 01:16

letthatmango · 26/03/2023 20:03

I entirely agree with @pixie5121 I cringed when I read another woman being described as a ‘significant obstacle’. Your moral compass is not strong if you’re even contemplating assisting some creepy man in betraying his long term partner and mother of his child.

Limerance, infatuation and dopamine hits are addictive but they’re no more than that.

Sorry OP but this is good advice.

Barleysugar86 · 27/03/2023 01:29

I was the 'other woman' once in my life. We were in our twenties, so no children or marriages to break, but they had been together 5/6 years and lived together at the time before we started our affair.
He told me they weren't happy, were just waiting until they could break their rental agreement, etc and I convinced myself it didn't matter.
The reality was him taking me to their one bed flat while she was out of town for the weekend and me seeing her pictures and her things and the bed they shared together. I felt awful about myself, dirty.
Having to shush so he could answer the phone and keep me a secret. Didn't feel good.
Then there was the breakdown of the relationship fully and he was very emotionally upset and crying about it on and off for weeks- wasn't expecting that. Felt pretty awful about myself.
Then everything healed and things were going great when he made friends with a woman in the pub that gave me a sinking feeling from the off. Found out they were indeed having a sexual affair several months later.
In conclusion in my experience being the OW I lost a lot of respect for myself. Even if it ends up with you getting them it is messy painful and horrible. And add to that what you would be doing to that poor kids life! Distance yourself and have more self respect than to consider this.

CrinklyLoveStick · 27/03/2023 01:34

You’ll do what you want to do.

JauntyRedShoes · 27/03/2023 01:56

It’s messy, it’s complicated and a recipe for disaster. I don’t like the way he speaks about his partner, the mother of his child. Neither do I like the way you refer to his partner as “a significant obstacle” rather than a human being with feelings. If his relationship were over and they lived apart with him seeing his child regularly then that would be different, especially if you worked for different organisations. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself and then move on and put distance between each other, ask yourself what sort of man would be disrespectful and dishonest to his partner and child. Be professional at work and do not engage in communication beyond work. You will not only be complicit in causing pain to others but will likely get hurt too. If he wants to end his relationship he needs to do this honestly and regardless of you with his child being the most important concern and consideration. Step parenting is tricky especially with a teen who will likely want nothing to do with you.

Thesecretnewsagent · 27/03/2023 02:00

It’s not chemistry for him, it’s artificial due to proximity. Get with him and 2 weeks later you’ll wonder what you saw in him. And also don’t call his partner an obstacle, she’s a human being who has an intertwined shared life with him. Don’t shit on other people for your 5 minute fantasy.

Thesecretnewsagent · 27/03/2023 02:06

OMGitsnotgood · 27/03/2023 00:15

I won't judge you for being attracted to him, you can't help that, and nor can he help being attracted to you. But you can help what actions you take. I'm not preaching, I worked in a male dominated environment and have been where you are more than once. What helped me was realising through what I'd seen happen with other people in similar situations:

  1. he is very likely happy in his relationship with his partner, but is excited by the attraction to and admiration from a younger colleague, and it's an escape from a long term relationship with all the domestic commitments and juggling that goes with it. A coffee/lunch could lead to a sexual relationship, emotional entanglement - and a lot of hurt for you when you realise he isn't going to leave his partner, after you've spent years without him at Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc or
  2. he leaves his partner for you. A few years down the line someone else comes along that is more exciting than the relationship you then have. It's a cliché but 'when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy' (whether they are married or not it's a long term relationship so same holds true). or
  3. He genuinely isn't happy with his partner, you are 'the one', he is faithful to you and you live happily ever after. Whilst there will be examples of this, are you prepared to take the risk of the more likely situations I outlined above? If he genuinely isn't happy in his relationship, then he needs to leave it before you start a relationship.

It's not easy i know and there's a tendency to think 'but this is different'. The vast majority of times it won't be.

People can help it. It’s called boundaries, it’s called not obsessing over meaningless interactions. Op is not a leaf in the wind. Or maybe she is.

cherriestort · 27/03/2023 02:24

@Hawkins00 yes but they haven't been back since posting earlier in the evening.

Marineboy67 · 27/03/2023 03:11

There is some comfort in all of this and that is that your both leaving your mutual workplace. With the daily temptation removed it will make it harder for this dalliance to continue and easier for you both to move on. Lets hope for everyone's sake, in particular his partner and their child that your feeling's for each other graduates in to nothing once your finally apart.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/03/2023 07:38

Hes basically unavailable
so there can be patterns where people fall for people who are either emotionally unavailable
or physically
this is the latter

so ask yourself why you are allowing these feelings for someone who’s totally enmeshed with another !
he will minimise it it of course

But you must surely know this is going to be nothing but pain for you ?

SoupDragon · 27/03/2023 07:43

I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me;

If you don't want to hear the truth why post?

I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement.

no, you don't have a strong moral compass at all given you describe his long term partner as an "obstacle"

I would really like some help and advice.

grow up and stop waiting to shag someone who is in a long term relationship.

BelindaMelinda · 27/03/2023 07:49

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it

Oh well if the chemistry is very strong, that's OK then. You obviously can't help it.

Go the whole hog, keep going until you get him. As is common knowledge, cheating men only cheat because they haven't found the right person 😊 If you're that person, he'll settle down with you and obviously have a complete character change and never cheat again.