Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

[Laura2121]

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP back away

Back away now.

2 things might happen here:

He'll either go for it with you, and ruin his life, and the life of 2 people he loves/who love him. This will damage so many people- and you will never really be able to trust him. He cheated on them, why wouldn't he do the same to you? What if you aren't as great as you think and he starts to resent you?
Or
You go for it, he turns you down. He chooses his partner and family- that is where his loyalty lies. And you have exposed yourself- and made yourself vulnerable. And made yourself look very stupid. He might even tell other people- maybe just his partner, maybe other people at work.

Back away.

"Obstacle" yikes

Don’t be so fucking stupid

Just to give a morally neutral answer OP I’d say this chemistry/fun bit is going to be the best you ever see of him. Take it further and you will see this man as an unappealing bag of neuroses. I’m guessing he’s insecure, bad at boundaries, looking for some kind of sexual redemption that has nothing personal to do with you,
emotionally messy, and also emotionally simplistic, preferring the easy feeling of shallow attraction over the hard work of long love. Fragile ego. He’ll be the pet you take home that ruins your life despite looking cute in the shop. You’re already getting the icing on the cake. The rest of the cake is made of shit.

How could you not get 'the ick' going out with a man who is so desperate for female attention he needs it from women who aren't his partner? Ewww.

This is a tale as old as time. It happened to me, I left my job and found a new one before I made a bloody fool of myself. Do not think he has feelings for you, give yourself a fucking hard slap round the face. Once my crush had passed, I looked back and was MORTIFIED at how close I came to fucking my life and those of other people. I left, I cut contact and within about 10 days, literally, it was clear there was nothing substantial there at all.

Step away with your dignity

This is just a crush. Any relationship with him would be way too messy even with “the obstacle” of his partner out the way. Go your separate ways and move on. Nothing good will come of it….

Ok, so a story about a similar situation.

He was married but not happy as his wife wasn't giving him the intimacy he wanted or needed.

He got close to a single woman at work, started an affair and she fell for him. When his wife found out he did end up leaving but to the single woman's dismay, he didn't want to have a relationship with her - sexual chemistry didn't mean he had ever seen her as a proper gf or partner or as someone he actually loved.

And he was the rarity, in that he left his wife. Most men don't and won't.

Similar thing happened with me so I left my job and never saw him again.

3 ways this could end, and neither is good news.

1. He betrays his partner and has an affair with you, but doesn't split with her. You're the piece on the side and will end up heartbroken, as will his family if they find out. You will both be arseholes with shit moral compasses.
2. He betrays his partner and gets with you, eventually. You will end up forever mistrusting that man, because if he can do it once, he can do it again. You will both be arseholes with shit moral compasses.
3. He leaves his partner and gets with you shortly after. His moral compass may be intact (yours would still be questionable) but you would have to deal with the fall-out and real grief that comes with the splitting up of two people who have been in a relationship for a long time, let alone the child involved. It's not pretty, because he will miss her, he will have to deal with doubts and who can really be arsed with someone who is not quite over their ex.

So, leave it. Whatever the outcome, you will end up suffering.

You see his partner as an obstacle and are happy to wreck her life and that of a child for someone you've never even been for a drink with? That moral compass of yours is not just compromised, it's fucked.

Don't be a fool.

My ex, after a 10 year relationship with me, now lives with the other woman. I'm sure she's pleased and thinks her chose her.

What really happened was I kicked him out, after 4 weeks of him begging and crying and drinking and moping in bed depressed after I found out. He wanted to stay with me.

On the day I kicked him out he said he regretted it all and wished he could go back in time and not have an affair. He also told me he was going to her as otherwise he'd have nothing and no home, and he'd have to make the best of it.

He then spent 3 months calling and texting me that he still loved me.

Yeah, she got a real prize all right.

It's nice when someone you like pays you attention. It's nice to be liked. It's nice to have someone at work who is on your side.

It's not nice to risk splitting up a family for a workplace crush.

this is just an exceptional situation

It's really not. All affairs start with everyone pretending they're Romeo and Juliet and it's so out of the ordinary. It's not, it's the same old story.

Do you want to be attached to a man in his late 40s with a pissed up, unhappy, resentful 13 yo son in tow, in your early 30s? Really? Whose behaviour is likely to be a shitstorm after his dad breaks his mum's heart and leaves for the OW.

Or are you actually just flattered and thinking about the shagging part and not the fallout part.

Has he actually told you that there's chemistry from his point of view as if it's only on you, you'll probably find out the hard way he isn't keen and has no intention of leaving his partner.
DH has a woman at work that had a crush on him, she told him once her kid was away on camp and the house was so empty and quiet without her and she was looking for company, he told her to find something to do then. Don't be the desperate woman as we still laugh about her today.
Living in sin doesn't mean he's unhappy. He's making a joke of being with her for so long and having a child out of wedlock. Don't be an idiot as it will massively backfire. If he's truly unhappy. Wait for him to leave her.

Laura, you’re making very poor, destructive choices here. This is an emotional affair and you want it to escalate.

You, a teacher, are choosing to be complicit in destabilizing this child’s home/family and jeopardizing his and his mother’s mental health.

Identifying them as ‘obstacles’ shows a smug determination and callousness that will ultimately corrode your self-respect and come back to bite you.

Also, you speak as if you have no agency in your own life when you say, ‘Our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.’ You have the choice of acting with integrity, but instead you are seeking validation from this Loser at the expense of his innocent Partner and child.

Your colleagues will be well aware of your affair.

Laura, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Get smart, find some empathy, and cut off this lying cheat who is using you for ego strokes and a shag.

Realistically how do you see this playing out? So you hit on him and either
a. He just likes flirting with you and you end up humiliated
b. He sleeps with you for a while, always going home to his family. Every one at work will know, and your reputation will go to shit. Not his.
c. You end up together, and spend the next few years of your life spending time with a teenager who hates you, an ex wife who makes your life hell. You have to support him financially as the wife took everything. You can’t be a part of his life because his friends partners all hate you and refuse to have anything to do with you. He won’t spend time with your friends because he wants to see his son.
This path has been taken many times, and it rarely ends well. I have to occasionally spend time with the trollop that had an affair with my dhs friend. No one likes her, she will always be on the outside.
You have the option to stop this before it destroys your life. Just really think about it.

Stop fucking around with another woman's partner and get some self respect.

The whole thing sounds terribly pedestrian.

He sounds like an old fart - "living in sin" errrr, no, he lives with his family.

I don't really understand how you can't see how cliche this all is, of course it's lovely to have a lovely flirt with, but dick is everywhere and so easy it get, why would you need to shag a guy whose in a long term committed relationship and is a father to a child who would bear the brunt of the betrayal.

Honestly you have no idea what a moral compass is if you consider yourself Simeon with standards?
I'm mid-40s, I've have plenty of sex and flirtations, none with married/partnered men and I've never been cheated on either (as far as I'm aware) - it's actually really easy, you just don't engage in their bullshit, let alone swallow it hook line and sinker which you appear to have.

Please don’t do anything more with him. Have respect for yourself and his partner and please keep your distance. You know he is with someone else, if you continue to seek him out then I’m sorry but you’re just as bad as him. If he is unhappy in his relationship then it’s up to him to do something about it but I’m sorry, I think he will just use you and then once he’s left the job, he’d distance himself from you.

Whatever happens here, you will get hurt. You’ll either feel guilty and remorseful for what you’ve done or you’ll fall for him and he will end it, leaving you alone. There is no winner here.
If the most wonderful thing happened and he left his partner for you, could you ever trust him knowing that he could easily do the same to you?

Find your moral compass again. Everytime you come into contact with him, remind yourself that it’s only a crush and that he is with someone else. Do not meet up with him outside of work, have no contact with him outside of working hours.

No judgement for developing a crush. It happens and you're not the one who is in a relationship. But keep your boundaries in place here until summer and then move on with dignity. You'll thank yourself. As PPs have said, what do you expect will happen here with a man who is happy to form 'connections' behind his partner's back?

Pull back your conversation to friendly and professional. I'm not saying you have to become conspicuously icy cold overnight towards him but don't push the meaning of the word 'friendly'. Just keep chats short and away from emotional territory. If he does ask you out for a drink, politely refuse. Say you're busy.

His relationship and child are not an 'obstacle' between you and romance for you to negotiate. They are his real life priorities. Even if he fell head over heels for you then it would be for him to end the relationship, not to sniff around you endlessly.

You can do much better and have sought advice in good time to pull this back and leave your job with your head held high. The alternative is a real mess.

You should definitely fall onto his genitals in the photocopying room, OP. After all, the partner he’s ‘living in sin’ with is older than him, and they’re clearly not really committed or they’d be married, and I’m sure the 13 year old will love his parents splitting and having a new stepmum. What could possibly go wrong?

So funny that you've started a thread about your intention to be a total bitch and have pre-warned us all that we are only allowed to comment to assist you in your shit plan to entice some dirty old meff from work.

His significant other of 16 years and his 13 year old child are not obstacles.

Gather what's left of your dignity and stop being such a cunt.