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Original poster

Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

196 replies

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP posts:
1ittlegreen · 27/03/2023 07:57

You're giving desperate. It's unattractive. Who's to say he wants a relationship with you?

Respect yourself more and find someone who is available, that's what most people would do.

BeanzToastie · 27/03/2023 07:59

"Living in sin" when he has a 13 year old child with this woman? Really?

He sounds a fool. He's in an established long term relationship and is the parent of a teenager. What is he thinking?

Is he also the kind of man who also asks to go to the "little boy's room" when he means the toilet?

nighttalker · 27/03/2023 08:01

Hawkins003 · 27/03/2023 00:45

Personally, charm, flirt, indulge, be intriguing ect, but and but, let him feel he's chasing you, and make sure he's the one to offer the olive branch for an affair or drinks ect, that way keeps you certain that one, it's what he wants and two, that you don't make a pickle by suggesting an affair first etc.

all the best in your seduction op, @Laura2121

Fucking vom.

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 08:04

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

I stopped reading when you described the mother of his young teenage son an ‘obstacle’ . I hope he sees through you and sticks with what he has (fingers crossed he can resist you in all your glory!!!!!!)

gallina · 27/03/2023 08:08

Imagine being so desperate you sniff around someone else's man 🤢

Nopinnogin · 27/03/2023 08:15

This is just a taste of what you will get if you let anything happen between you. You could lose your job (the woman always seems to get the blame) and be called a homewrecker etc. especially if it doesn’t work out, he’s a serial cheat and you were a quick shag.

Be wiser
Be proud of your good reputation
Protect yourself from reputational damage
Don’t start an affair with this man
I would even say back away from enjoying flirting with him.

DatingDinosaur · 27/03/2023 08:54

Moral compass? What moral compass? You’ve got a crush on the office sleaze. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

The fact that he’s behaving like this with you even though he has a partner and child should tell you everything you need to know about his moral compass too.

If he asks you to go for a drink, say no. It’s that simple.

The office sleaze is chasing a bit of skirt for the ego boost. It really is a story as old as time. And you’ve fallen for it.

Pseudonamed · 27/03/2023 09:16

Women like you are revolting. Keep the fuck away from him ffs.

baileys6904 · 27/03/2023 09:28

Loving how people are judging the bloke, when there's not actual evidence to say he knows anything about this 🤣

No times has been spent outside of the office, no contact. For all we know the OP could have expressed her interest and he's turned round and said ' oh you're lovely n all but I've a ltr and a 13 year old son'.

NemoandDoris · 27/03/2023 09:39

baileys6904 · 27/03/2023 09:28

Loving how people are judging the bloke, when there's not actual evidence to say he knows anything about this 🤣

No times has been spent outside of the office, no contact. For all we know the OP could have expressed her interest and he's turned round and said ' oh you're lovely n all but I've a ltr and a 13 year old son'.

bloke maybe totally innocent who know. He would not be the first bored, mid life crisis man who sees a younger woman arrive in the office and senses fresh blood to liven his day up.

I once worked with the office tart (who got through a variety of wives & partners) who did exactly this, and the women never caught on. They were just another conquest for him to aim for.

LiliLil · 27/03/2023 09:40

No. Stop it.

You are not star crossed lovers who just “can’t help themselves”. He has a long term partner and a CHILD for god’s sake.

Stop romanticising this bullshit, about you can’t help your feelings. You are an adult with agency, you are in full control. Yes you might have feelings for him, but what you do next is a choice.

You really think he’ll leave his family for you? No, he will use you for a shag because it’s clear you’re willing, and then he’ll drop you. When everyone finds out, and they will, guess who they will blame?

Have some self respect.

Antiquiteas · 27/03/2023 10:17

If you both go any further, would you really want to get involved with a man prepared to do that to his family? A man who, despite 16 years and a teenage child, never committed to the woman in his life?

You have to stop it. Now. It’s just fantasy.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/03/2023 10:27

Sounds like he fancies a bit of sex a fling. If he leaves his partner, which I doubt he will and gets with you, you'll lose him how you found him.

countrypunk · 27/03/2023 10:34

Grow up. Everything you've written in your post and the way you've written it tells me that emotionally, you're a toddler.

His partner and child are not an 'obstacle'. They are living, breathing humans whose lives would no doubt be torn apart if you and this man have an affair. Can you try to put yourself in their shoes? Can you imagine the pain? Are you OK with being the cause of that?

I think you want us to tell you that you should give in to your feelings. But if you had anything about you, any strength of character whatsoever, you would walk away immediately.

If this man truly feels for you, he'll exit his relationship honourably, find somewhere else to live, and wait a decent length of time before pursuing a relationship with you so as not to further hurt his partner and child. Particularly his child, who will need time to come to terms with their parents breaking up.

Do you have any idea of the kind of responsibility that comes with being a step parent? I think it's even harder than parenting if you do it right, and there's far less gratification. Are you ready for that?

I rarely comment on these kinds of threads. But your post disgusts me and I felt compelled to. All you can see right now is your own immediate and selfish desires. Stop being so selfish and childish and see these feelings for what they are.

supercali77 · 27/03/2023 10:54

Are you really on mumsnet describing a Long term partner, essentially wife and mother, as an obstacle to the affair you want to have, and asking for no judgement. I suggest you go and read any thread you can find on here by a woman with kids whose partner cheated....its not just some small detail in the story arc of your great romance. It's a crisis inducing nightmare.

I dont understand how anyone can start a relationship and believe in love when they build it on the flaming wreckage of somebody else's life.

The only option for love without betrayal here is that you back right off and if he wants to leave his partner at some point, somewhere down the line, and he's properly single and you are too. Before that, the cost is too too high

supercali77 · 27/03/2023 10:57

As for moral compass. In the end, what we are is what we do.

igor · 27/03/2023 10:59

Call his LTP and see if she's good with it? Her response might be relevant

Brefugee · 27/03/2023 11:00

pack it in OP.

Brefugee · 27/03/2023 11:05
johnny depp fangirl challenge GIF

also your "moral compass"? is as accurate as Captain Jack Sparrow's

Rarar · 27/03/2023 11:06

You would be hurting other people (his partner and child in case it's not obvious to you!) for your own (selfish) gain, is that really the person you want to be OP? It saddens me how many women are willing to fuck over other women, where is your female solidarity?

Fourecks · 27/03/2023 11:47

I'm not going to scold you or try to appeal to your moral compass or female solidarity. I am going to ask why you are settling for so little?

You are in the prime of your life and you think the best you can do is a man who will soon be on his way to 60 with significant baggage?

Contrast yourself with his current partner. You seem to think of her as an object of pity, the way you've managed to make it clear how much younger you are. But when she was around your age, she was landing herself a younger man who thought she was great enough to stay with for a long time and have a child with. Right now, all you're getting from him is crumbs and the best future he can offer is a relationship with a tawdry beginning, a no-doubt resentful stepchild and an ex who will be tied to him for life and who will have no interest in making your life smooth.

Do everyone a favour and step away.

HomeTheatreSystem · 27/03/2023 11:48

Step back from this disaster. What you're feeling for him is based on your fantasies about who and what you think he is: if his partner is a bit older than him then she's probably coping with the menopause and a teenager and possibly elderly parents and now the worry that her younger partner's head may be turned by a younger woman. That's who you're flirting with, a man who shows his partner of many years and the mother of his child, scant respect by flirting with you in the workplace and denigrating his relationship as one of "living in sin". If he found his relationship with his partner intolerable, he'd have left by now. And don't for one second think that colleagues haven't noticed the frisson between you two. You need to find a backbone and some self respect, and fast.

DeoForty · 27/03/2023 11:54

As a previous poster has said, I would urge you to be careful, not for his sake or his partner's, but for you. This is unlikely to result in a positive outcome for you (and even if it did, it will be an uphill climb which will erode any of the fizz and excitement you feel now).

It's a nice feeling. Take control and decide that that's all it is. Rant, rave and cry over the injustice, but don't bring the world down on top of you.

Leopardlives · 27/03/2023 11:59

I know you think people are being harsh OP. But they are right. We’ve all seen it happen, some of us have lived it. The emotional impression these guys make is huge, it feels irresistible. But it isn’t something you can have. It is a strength he is drawing from his stable home.

Acrylicpainter · 27/03/2023 12:00

Self control is what you're looking for. Partners and children are not obstacles to overcome.