Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

[Laura2121]

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP is notably absent after posting an inflammatory post.

But you don't know him. He's a colleague. No one is truly themselves at work.

People love my husband. He's sociable, talkative, funny, daft. At home he barely talks!!

Yes exactly @Tirrrrred and @Leopardlives

We all project a very specific image of ourselves at work. It's never the real us.

He's making you feel like you're getting to see the real him. It's the opposite. I'm sure a little chat with his partner and child would set you straight on a few things.

My OH has had an emotional affair with a colleague who is single similar to your situation.
We have DC and have been together over 18years.
This whole event has been so hard, and has left me feeling bereft of where I'm going in life and our future.
Please seek out a single unattached man, there are plenty out there, don't destroy someone else's life and family for your own selfish greed.

Go and find a single man... what moral compass? You sound deluded.

Really?

Why are you even considering this?

Dating a colleague is tricky enough but considering dating a colleague who is in a long term relationship, has a child and is significantly older than you are to me is simply bonkers...

You also seem to think that this is genuine, meaningful attraction while he could in fact have a track record of cheating on his partner with gullible, younger women.

I would stop this immediately and bring the interaction back to a professional level because nothing good will come out of it.

Because you might end up with no job and with a broken heart.

There are plenty of available men out there.

Check your morals and raise your standards...

He is a sleaze enjoying attention from a younger woman.

Not a prize at all.

Find someone else to talk to at work?
Don't give him your personal number.

Honestly, that's a really grim OP.

You're throwing yourself on a plate. And he's still not interested, you're just hoping if you keep laying it in front of him, you'll get the chance to start an affair. Just how desperate are you for attention for this to even look like an option?

Gross. Just gross.

I think you've romaticised this in your head, Op, and told yourself that if he cheated on his partner or left her for you, it would be acceptable as this is a great love story that just can't be stopped. You were 'meant to be'.

This is much more likely to be a slightly grubby affair at best.

If you honestly think it's something different, that this could be written in the stars / some great love affair, then talk to him and tell him that. If he feels the same, he will take steps to talk to his partner and to leave her. If he's a decent bloke he won't want to do the dirty on her, he'll want to separate with integrity and decency. Tell him that once he's done that and is single, you will be happy to start dating and see how it goes.

That will flush out if he thinks you're the real love of his life.

If he tells you he can't leave her / can't leave her yet, then he doesn't feel the same as you.

This is basically it.

Put aside your 'feelings' for one minute and think rationally. If you think you'll both skip happily off into the sunset, you will be in for a shock.

Chances are you'll have an angry teenager every other weekend/school holidays, and you will be the wicked stepmother.
He's unlikely to want children at 48.

If he does want kids, he will be an older father and everything that entails. His income will be heavily garnished to support his son. He may lose significant assets in a divorce. He may also lose friends and family and bitterly regret everything. Your reputation will probably never recover.

Don't be a homewrecker

There is some misogyny here

homewrecker (no he is )
selfish ( no he is )
you’ll be despised not him (that’s sexist and not fair )

OP is only guilty of being very misguided
and having very low self esteem and thinking this is the ‘best’ she can get

It might be unfair, but it’s the truth. Women come out of situations like this far worse than men do.

And yes, the OP is being selfish. How is thinking of her own wants regardless of the consequences for others not selfish?

Ffs, women are just as capable of shitty, selfish behaviour

OP, you don't have a strong moral compass, if you abandon your morals the minute they are inconvenient. "I don't believe in cheating unless it is someone I fancy and they are cheating with me".

Or as Oscar Wilde put it "I can resist anything except temptation".

Basically, you know it's wrong, but "chemistry".

The person you are is the result of your cumulative actions. Do you want future-you to be a hypocrite, lacking in morals whilst professing to have them, and the sort of person who has affairs? No? Start blanking him then. He'll find someone else he has astonishing chemistry with soon enough, I'm sure.

I don’t think there’s any misogyny, other than the acknowledgement that because of misogynistic cultural conventions, the OP is far more likely to damage her professional reputation than her male colleague by having a workplace affair, especially if she’s junior to him, as seems likely from their ages

Yes, the male colleague, if he is seeking to have an affair with the OP, is absolutely being selfish towards his partner and child, and potentially wrecking their home/relationship, but we only have the OP’s word for their ‘strong chemistry’ being mutual. As she seems naive and deluded (as in, seems to have constructed an idea that he’s unhappy in his relationship out of his partner being older and the fact that he used the expression ‘living in sin’), it’s not outside the bounds of possibility that he’s faithful as a pet lab, ordinarily friendly and sometimes sits at her table in the canteen.

You sound very very young for your age. Have you ever been in a relationship before?

homewrecker (no he is )

They both are

selfish ( no he is )

They both are

you’ll be despised not him (that’s sexist and not fair )

both should be despised.

I don’t tend to despise the OW as much as some on here
that said , ask me when I’ve been cheated on and my stance will probably change 😁

I also don’t think that vilifying OP is particularly constructive

So what do you think Laura?

The his has disaster written all over it. Neither of you will have any respect for each other once you are both complicit in ruining a family. It will very quickly become apparent that you aren't Romeo and Juliet and this is just another seedy affair!

And he's too old for you, even without the fact that he has a family already. He's had a child, and he's just going to get older and more knackered. If you want kids of your own, you need a younger man to have them with.

Oh well if the "chemistry is very strong" then really you should go for it, you're clearly 'meant to be'. 🙄

You don't need "help". Just stop doing what you're doing. He's not yours!

You lost me at “significant obstacles”! His long term partner and his child are not “obstacles” they are people, with feelings. And how do you think they will feel if you decide to take this further? Do you think “chemistry” will be enough of an explanation to take away the hurt? No, me neither.
As pp have said, we have no way of knowing if this man is even interested in you. But, having worked with men for far too long, I’d guess he probably is. As an ego boost, a cheap thrill, an opportunity to get his leg over.

Any man (or woman) in a long term relationship who tries it on with you is literally showing you openly that they are a cheat and a liar, devoid of loyalty. How on earth is that remotely attractive?