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Original poster

Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

196 replies

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/03/2023 15:46

OP you definitely don’t have a strong moral compass, you have a very weak one. My husband is late 40s, I am a few years older, early 50s and we have been together not quite twenty years. Why do you put that his partner is (a few years older) in brackets but in doing so drawing more attention to that fact, I cannot help but wonder. Do you think she is not worthy of him or something, because she is a few years older?

Obviously should you decide to proceed with this affair, he is the bigger arse here, but you definitely cannot claim to have a strong moral compass either. They are very clearly an established family.

All that aside, why on earth would you as a young woman in her 30s, hitch your wagon to a man in his late 40s! When I was in my mid 20s I dated a man (an unattached one I should add) who was in his late 30s. I didn’t see an issue at the time, but now I am early 50s, I don’t want to be with a man who is mid 60s. Find someone your own age. And single.

Leopardlives · 27/03/2023 16:23

Re-watch Love, Actually and the way Alan Rickman’s character makes a fool of himself.

SugarMelonWater · 27/03/2023 17:09

@Leopardlives I've watched that film many times I don't think he makes a fool of himself as the office tart wanted him. I think seeing his wife's reaction an then shielding her children and putting a brave front for their sake is the heart breaking bit for me.

Chocolatesandroses · 27/03/2023 17:12

No no no no ! You don’t do it , it doesn’t matter if you’re leaving your work place or not . You don’t start a relationship of any sort with someone who is in a relationship. If he really has feelings for you , strong connection then he leaves his partner/wife before you start anything , otherwise all your gonna be is an affair .

Leopardlives · 27/03/2023 17:32

@SugarMelonWater can you explain how you don’t think he makes a fool of himself? I think he goes for the advances of the much younger office tart and makes a fool of himself by chucking in his marriage for some obvious sex, like the OP’s fella might

QueefQueen80s · 27/03/2023 17:44

Gross.. You're 35 trying to take a man away from a woman who is 50. Just imagine it the other way around.. how would you feel?

SugarMelonWater · 27/03/2023 18:02

What gets me in her op is the 'we're leaving our jobs in the summer' as if that's the worst part. it's typical selfish me me me cheater mindset, wreck his relationship with the mother of his child, a woman who spent a good chunk of her life with him but it's ok because she wont have to see him again come the summer. It's all how it affects and benefits me mentality.. She's putting her fanny flutters 'chemistry' over the pain she could cause to 2 other people. You don't need to explore every whim and crush, if it was destiny he would have left her already for you or the universe would have sent him to you younger and single. I think her hormones might be making her act out, last few fertile years going for a 'tried and tested' dad and partner.

@Leopardlives I'm not condoning cheating but I don't understand making a fool of himself that's not how I saw it. I think he made a fool of his wife. It would've been a fool of himself if he was pining after a young woman who didn't want him.

Leopardlives · 27/03/2023 18:14

Oh I see @SugarMelonWater. I thought it was really cringe that he openly showed such callous desires (even if he got them). But I hate men who can’t keep it in their pants!

TheDuchessOfMN · 27/03/2023 18:17

This one is tale as old as time, and it always ends in tears

Hawkins00 · 27/03/2023 18:40

cherriestort · 27/03/2023 02:24

@Hawkins00 yes but they haven't been back since posting earlier in the evening.

Fair point

MsDogLady · 27/03/2023 21:07

Laura, you’ve previously written about being bullied and marginalized at work. How ironic that you are now marginalizing this innocent woman by
(1) relegating her to obstacle status (2) participating in this EA and
(3) pushing an agenda to ramp it up.

Remember that you’re smitten with a lying cheat in his late 40’s. You aren’t the first woman he’s targeted for cake eating and you won’t be the last.

I truly hope you’ve now seen sense. Strengthen your boundaries and bin this dishonest, disloyal creep.

Chilesstanton · 27/03/2023 23:50

Kindly, seek therapy

Original poster
Laura2121 · 28/03/2023 08:54

Hello all

First I would like to thank all posters for your time in putting in your posts. I see a lot of anger about my post. I feel I am unfairly getting categorised into ‘casual homewrecker’, and that anger on these types of women is being directed all at me. So as to ensure that a fuller picture is portrayed, I will shed some more light on what’s been happening.

The most important point to confirm is that I have been resisting this man’s eagerness for 8 whole months. I did touch on this in my opening post, but perhaps not to the extent that I needed to, since misconceptions on me being ‘just another homewrecker’ seem to be paramount here.

So how have I been taking concrete action on resisting it? Limiting contact, for one thing. I tried this at first by naturally keeping a ‘mental’ distance; keeping the conversation all professional, despite his attempts to make them extend into the personal world, to which yes I was getting tempted due to our good connection.

Then, I tried the ‘physical distance’. Making an excuse to swiftly leave my room if he came in there to chat with me. Hoping that would make it fade away. But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

Then came a big ‘milestone’ in this battle. After a casual but important disagreement we had where I felt he was unfair with me, I took a stand. Compounded by what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I asked this man to please “not speak to me unless it was about something work-related”. He respected this boundary, perhaps due to knowing it might have classified as harassment if he didn’t.

He did try to show me great respect for a few weeks after in all ways except by speaking to me, but the no-talking thing lasted for 2 whole months. It was very unnatural since we do work in rooms which are next to each other, and I missed him, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of keeping my feelings at bay.

Eventually though, through having to work together, we did make up, and we are both happy that we did since we did miss each other and now we can also work together more fluidly. We also revealed to each other that we were both resigning from our place of work in a few months, which was something we still haven’t told many people.

But yes, the feelings are growing again, which is what made me come on here. I do hope that my writing above has made it clear that I have tried many things to help the situation over these 8 months. But resigning from this workplace (which I should clarify here is for reasons not related to him), might be the thing that helps the most.

Thank you all again for your posts. I do help I have shed some light on the fact that those of us who are involved in some sort of emotional affair with a committed man aren’t just ‘bad girls out to cause careless havoc for the sake of pleasure’- at least in my specific situation, it is a lot more than that.

Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here. Not saying that excuses anything either, but I am not ‘knowingly having fantasies that I know can hurt someone’, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
callthataspade · 28/03/2023 09:03

You're not in a mills and boon book love

Seriously you need to grow up.

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/03/2023 09:06

Oh well done for resisting for 8 whole MONTHS. 🙄 this man has been married for 16 years! And yes, I can guarantee they are still romantically involved.
All the men out there and you want to destroy a family based on what exactly?! A short term (I have tins of beans older than 8 months), half imagined emotional connection. I always say the married party is very much to blame in an affair but you are really relentless.

Think about his wife. She is married to a man she has a long history with and loves, the father of her child and who she is planning to grow old with. She has no idea you are willing to detonate her existence like this.

Tirrrrred · 28/03/2023 09:07

This makes it sound worse to be honest.

Tirrrrred · 28/03/2023 09:08

You've still not mentioned how you know he likes you in that way.

Fifi1010 · 28/03/2023 09:14

Laura2121 · 28/03/2023 08:54

Hello all

First I would like to thank all posters for your time in putting in your posts. I see a lot of anger about my post. I feel I am unfairly getting categorised into ‘casual homewrecker’, and that anger on these types of women is being directed all at me. So as to ensure that a fuller picture is portrayed, I will shed some more light on what’s been happening.

The most important point to confirm is that I have been resisting this man’s eagerness for 8 whole months. I did touch on this in my opening post, but perhaps not to the extent that I needed to, since misconceptions on me being ‘just another homewrecker’ seem to be paramount here.

So how have I been taking concrete action on resisting it? Limiting contact, for one thing. I tried this at first by naturally keeping a ‘mental’ distance; keeping the conversation all professional, despite his attempts to make them extend into the personal world, to which yes I was getting tempted due to our good connection.

Then, I tried the ‘physical distance’. Making an excuse to swiftly leave my room if he came in there to chat with me. Hoping that would make it fade away. But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

Then came a big ‘milestone’ in this battle. After a casual but important disagreement we had where I felt he was unfair with me, I took a stand. Compounded by what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I asked this man to please “not speak to me unless it was about something work-related”. He respected this boundary, perhaps due to knowing it might have classified as harassment if he didn’t.

He did try to show me great respect for a few weeks after in all ways except by speaking to me, but the no-talking thing lasted for 2 whole months. It was very unnatural since we do work in rooms which are next to each other, and I missed him, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of keeping my feelings at bay.

Eventually though, through having to work together, we did make up, and we are both happy that we did since we did miss each other and now we can also work together more fluidly. We also revealed to each other that we were both resigning from our place of work in a few months, which was something we still haven’t told many people.

But yes, the feelings are growing again, which is what made me come on here. I do hope that my writing above has made it clear that I have tried many things to help the situation over these 8 months. But resigning from this workplace (which I should clarify here is for reasons not related to him), might be the thing that helps the most.

Thank you all again for your posts. I do help I have shed some light on the fact that those of us who are involved in some sort of emotional affair with a committed man aren’t just ‘bad girls out to cause careless havoc for the sake of pleasure’- at least in my specific situation, it is a lot more than that.

Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here. Not saying that excuses anything either, but I am not ‘knowingly having fantasies that I know can hurt someone’, if that makes sense.

You are trying to justify this to yourself by saying they are playing house , not married staying together for the DS. It sometimes takes a long time to get married or maybe never it doesn't mean they aren't in a committed relationship. I married my DH 2 years ago and we had been together since I was 18 10 years ago. We just hadn't got round to it. When I wasn't married I never saw my relationship as less committed because I didn't have a ring.

He sounds like a manipulative chancer , you are mid 30s presumably desperate to start a family. He's an older man who's getting excited at a younger woman tale as old as time. 99 percent of the time these men will never leave and start a family with you. He will probably get bored and sniff around another easy target.

Notanotherchange · 28/03/2023 09:36

Your post makes it worse. 8 whole months? You haven’t even been on a date with this man so you do not know what he is really like. Let me guess has he been telling you that things are good at home? Most of the time this is false and I can guarantee you he goes home and has a good relationship with his partner, he is just telling you what you want to hear so he can get a shag.

You sound very naive.

Also there are billions of people in the world and you are settling for this older chancer in the office next to you? Go and find a single guy it’s not that hard.

I honestly don’t think it matters what people here say as you seem to have made up your mind to go on this path anyway. Your justifications are flimsy at best. Literally everyone has commented has said don’t do it, yet here you are still justifying yourself. Get a grip. Stop this before lots of people get hurt, especially yourself.

NemoandDoris · 28/03/2023 09:41

Thanks for the update OP. But just be careful that he is not in this for the chase. I have seen it happen so many times, especially with new employees. These woman thought they were special when we all knew what number they were on his list.

it is not your business whether this man is in a happy relationship with his partner or not. It does not justify any move on your part. He needs to get his house in order first which after 8 months he still appears to be firmly in.

MyusernameABC · 28/03/2023 09:45

Starting a relationship whilst he is very much still in one, and a significant one at that with a child at such a vulnerable age, is a massive no. If he's serious he'll end the relationship before moving on and starting something more serious with you. Equally you should be happy to wait for the dust to settle if you're serious. You must do this for the good of his child.

bluebell34567 · 28/03/2023 09:57

i bet he had this situation with other women before you, you are not the first.
you are the new, naive girl to the company, perfect catch for him to play around and good for his ego.
you are worth better than this.

JamSandle · 28/03/2023 10:09

Op, people are giving you a really hard time. Maybe because it chimes with their own experiences or fears about their own relationships.

You can't help who you feel things for and I completely think monogamy is a construct. If it was real, we wouldn't have the instincts and emotions we do towards othet people.

That said, it is best not to act on it especially in the workplace.

shieldmaiden7 · 28/03/2023 10:12

Thanks for the update, still think you sound like a immature young woman who is trying to ruin a family just because a man has paid you a little bit of attention. If he's made no attempted to see you outside of work in 8 months then it's just a bit of work place fun for him and you'll make a fool out of yourself. A bigger fool of yourself.

Iwonder08 · 28/03/2023 10:27

You know you are a grown human that can exercise control over her urges, not an animal. Don't delude yourself with 'maybe they are not romantically involved'.. He would have told you if it was the case.
You either own it, be honest with yourself that you fancy a man who has a family and you don't give a shit about the impact on them or try to control yourself for a few month before you naturally part your ways due to job changes. It really is that simple.