Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

[Laura2121]

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

Yes I think the choice of language is interesting it's like she's already decided.
'Living in sin' so not breaking up a marriage, lesser to cheat if she's 'just' a partner, he never married her anyway so can't be that happy
'playing house' they're not married so it doesn't count and he only had one kid with her so maybe not even having more sex LOL she's older than him and flirting with me much young so he can't be that happy therefore I'm not breaking up a happy real relationship.
'obstacle' is another grim way to refer to his partner.. like that's the only reason standing in their true love story!!! Op has swallowed up the narrative: he is decent and honorable staying around for the child but the wife is the horrid witch that obstacle bitch (!) It's all the wife's fault!
It's this depersonalising and lack of empathy that's annoyed many of us had you just said I have a crush on a married guy the replies would have been much softer. It's how you express yourself and describe the situation, honestly it's sort of dark.

The other thing is, it could all be in the ops head. I’ve seen it on here multiple times. It is hugely possible this guy is just being friendly, bit of a flirt, enjoying the attention and ego boost from someone clearly besotted with him, and the ops built it into something that it’s not, he’s never made a move on her. Never even spent a moment with her outside work. Never even asked her to meet him outside work. So it could easily be just one big fantasy in her head.

Walk away.
Doesn't matter about "chemistry".
The reality is that he's in a LTR with the mother of his child. She's not an "obstacle". She's a human being who has committed to him, bore his child, and lives with him.
Have some respect for yourself, for his partner and for his child.
It would be incredibly selfish and hurtful to actively continue with something that you know is wrong and will hurt people and completely tear their lives apart.

Oh dear.

It sounds to me as though he is in it for the chase. As soon as you give in – unfortunately, you clearly want to – I think he'll cool off. You are both leaving your workplace this year ... so he has a few months to get you into bed, then as you are both leaving work, he never has to see you again. It's a win-win for him.

The most important point to confirm is that I have been resisting this man’s eagerness for 8 whole months.

keeping the conversation all professional, despite his attempts to make them extend into the personal world

But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

He did try to show me great respect for a few weeks after in all ways except by speaking to me, but the no-talking thing lasted for 2 whole months.

I was paraphrasing from the OP’s posts above,@Littleloveydovey

He did not respect her boundaries, he knew he would win her over, he kept trying to take it outside of work… I’d say that was relentless pursuing.

Re: the slagging off of his partner, I’d misread that he’d said they were just staying together to play house for the kid.

Goodness me, I am new to Mumsnet and I really don’t think I’ll be using it much more in future.

I came on here looking for help, being vulnerable and admitting I was in a position where I couldn’t help my feelings from wandering astray, and what I was I met with?

Being called “horrible person”, “immature”, “silly little girl”, amidst many things.
Insult after insult, dagger after dagger, women clearly finding me a nice soft target to vent their frustrations out for things happening in their own lives.

Isn’t a message board like this supposed to be a safe space for women to help each other through difficult times? Would you have tried gentle discouragement, it would have achieved the purpose you had wanted much better.

At no point did I say I want help with how to get with this person- the title of my thread and my original post makes that clear- my intention was to get help on processing my feelings. Instead I was just used as a verbal punchbag. The personal attacks have frankly made me see these particular posts as nothing but emotionally charged, bouncing off the difficulties that have been happening in your own lives that you just want to unleash out on someone being vulnerable and to attack them when they are open and have their guard down. Honestly you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Mumsnet has deleted half of your posts quite rightly, but nevertheless I doubt I’ll want to be in the vicinity and easy reach of such posters in future.

Post edited by MNHQ

Honestly, OP, it's no great loss to the rest of us if you decide not to come back. I have seen the most amazing support offered to women on MN when the situation actually warrants it, but you were never going to get a sympathetic response in your situation because your initial post betrayed a lack of any kind of moral compass. People will speak the truth to you on here and they won't sugar-coat it. Yes, maybe some people have been hurt by people like you, and they overreact/speak too harshly, but that's hardly surprising.

You are not the vulnerable one in this situation, being honest, and however you choose to dress it up for yourself, others won't see it the same way. Saying that you can't help it if your feelings "wander astray" is just a cop-out. You have agency in this situation and you can choose not to get involved.

I think part of the issue is your attempting or it could lead to you splitting up a relationship, it's a mix at times on mumsnet,

That said all the best and positivity

Honestly you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Says the person getting close to a taken man and describing his partner as a 'significant obstacle'. If you wonder who should be ashamed, look in your mirror.

Then, I tried the ‘physical distance’. Making an excuse to swiftly leave my room if he came in there to chat with me. Hoping that would make it fade away. But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

He is a boundary pushing man who sexually harasses colleagues and tries to cheat on his partner and mother of his child. You really need to think about WHY you have feelings for him. He's a heel.

@Laura2121 I think the thing is You lost the room somewhat when you described his partner as being a significant obstacle. Lots of people here have been hurt by partners who have flirted with colleagues or got very close to them and probably don't like to/were not aware that they were 'an obstacle'

"a significant obstacle" 🙄

Him pursuing you makes him no better than men who shag around behind their wives backs. He'd be shagging you in a quiet layby if you let him, whilst having zero intention to leave his partner.

Have more self respect than this.

He is a boundary pushing man who sexually harasses colleagues and tries to cheat on his partner and mother of his child. You really need to think about WHY you have feelings for him. He's a heel.

THIS.

Have higher standards for yourself than a man who would willingly cheat on a long term partner and risk the stability of his son's family unit.

You can’t blame people when you say things like ‘significant obstacle’ and ‘playing house’, take a look at yourself and think about your language perhaps next time OP?

people are being harsh because quite frankly you deserve it.

My exh was unfaithful. It was a terrible awful time, so bad for my kids too. If I was you I would run a mile.

Your co worker is a disloyal duplicitous middle aged man getting his ego stroked by the attention of his much younger colleague.
Its not some unique meeting of minds and souls, its just the cliché of a sad older man jumping at the chance of a younger woman. If thats what you're into, they're a dime a dozen, put the word out and you'll have a queue round the block, and some won't have the complication of a partner and child.

As someone who has been on the end of their OH having an affair your post didn't garner must sympathy or support from me. There are plenty of single people out there waiting to mingle so if someone is attached back off before the feelings start and find an available singleton. Don't set about breaking up established relationships it's heartbreaking for all concerned especially children.

You have received a lot of honest, unguarded responses on here, OP. I think that's a good thing about this - people ate not afraid to be extremely frank!

Your posts make it sound as if you think there was some hope of you being a couple with this man with any dignity, as if there were some romance to this situation. There really isn't. Put some space between you.

It’s useful practise OP. What you’re looking for is a bit like that feeling but above board and with someone single and young.

@Laura2121 In the nicest way possible, but you haven't actually really engaged with what others have raised and that makes it very difficult for people to believe that you are not just intent on being a homewrecker.
And to then go on an all-out attack when you've actually had some more measured responses, which you have completely ignored in your rage against the few insults that have flown about, doesn't shine a very kind light on you.

Look, I get it. I am in a similar position in that the 10 year older man I have a huge crush on is in a long-term relationship of almost 20 years (no children) and I have just changed jobs (for my own benefit, nothing to do with what I feel for him). We will remain friends, message every few days and meet up once every few months or so.
But I have no intention of ever letting him know, for the reasons given above - there is no positive outcome to this, even if he were into me.

Above all else, your need for self-preservation should kick in and you should be forcing yourself to think this through to the end. It is very likely that what you want to happen is a romanticised image that just will not become reality.

In your ideal scenario that he'd leave her and end up with you you would still have to deal with his grief for his past love and relationship and you would still have to deal with his child, who'd likely resent you. My father's wife is the kindest, most heartwarming person I've ever met and yet I hated her as a child and young adult because he left my mother for her.

You need to really think hard about what will happen and take steps to protect yourself, if nothing else. And you need to, perhaps, not push people away quite so hard when they want to help you see a bit more clearly.

At no point did I say I want help with how to get with this person

Unfortunately OP it came across that whilst describing his family as obstacles, and maybe he was 'playing house', did indicate you would jump at the chance of a fling/relationship given half the chance.

People tried to tell you that maybe you had read too much into this relationship and should back off. At no point did you say, this man is in LTR so I need to drop and let go. Best way to move forward is to find someone single who can give you the attention you like. Not talking with this man is just unprofessional but neither do you need to share personal details. Take control, stop giving him encouragement and it should all blow over.