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Original poster

Feelings for coworker who’s in a LTR?

196 replies

Laura2121 · 26/03/2023 19:18

Hello all

I have worked at my current place for 9 months. There is a man there whom I have grown close to, and we both feel a lot of chemistry and connection with each other. I’m approaching my mid 30s, he’s in his late 40’s.

However, a significant obstacle is that this man has been with his partner for 16 years (who’s a few years older than him), “living in sin” as he describes it, and they have a 13-Yr-old son.

I have never dated or have ever tried to date a man who is taken. But this is a situation where the chemistry is very strong, and I have grown quite attached to him. I have tried to keep distance between us, but our good connection has always won us over and we’ve often resorted to enjoying it.

This man and I haven’t spent time alone together outside work, but I feel like we are getting to the stage where he might ask me to go for a drink or something. I would really want to.

I am wondering whether anyone on here has been in this situation before?

Also I know that this thread is on a controversial topic. I would please request that posters don’t aim to scold or judge me; I normally have a strong moral compass and this is just an exceptional situation for me where I have developed feelings against my better judgement. I would really like some help and advice.

With thanks in advance 🌸

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 28/03/2023 10:29

Back off. He’s not currently available.

SugarMelonWater · 28/03/2023 10:31

You're still doing it though, you're justifying yourself that it's not a happy relationship. You do not know this. It's a classic lie that men and women spin to their other (wo)man. Nobody likes cake eaters, not even cheaters. If he was genuinely that miserable he would have left.
You leaving work isn't even confirmed one of you could do a U turn on it.
You mention 8 months like he's been pursuing you for decades. This man sees you at work, time is irrelevant because he doesn't have to get out of his way to see you or speak to you, he has to go to work and you're just there. It's not a genuine love connection. You're both a distraction for each other. You're flattered by his attention and he has little dating opportunities he's enjoying a bit of flirting here and there with you at work.
I don't think you're as moral as you'd like to think but you're brave to come back and update so for that thank you.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 28/03/2023 11:00

shieldmaiden7 · 28/03/2023 10:12

Thanks for the update, still think you sound like a immature young woman who is trying to ruin a family just because a man has paid you a little bit of attention. If he's made no attempted to see you outside of work in 8 months then it's just a bit of work place fun for him and you'll make a fool out of yourself. A bigger fool of yourself.

This. In spades.

People aren't unfairly calling you a homewrecker. Your outlook and the way you think you justify it is revolting to those with moral fibre. And you think anyone who thinks this must be some "woman scorned." How wrong you are. And all this over someone who's got absolutely no serious interest in you. You can't see that either. It's embarrassing.

He's the walking cliché , who wanted his ego massaged, and there you were, with your silly "I'm not talking to you" games, trying to create something over nothing. But hey, he's not here and started this thread. I'll be very clear with you. You are the embodiment of why women dislike other women.

pixie5121 · 28/03/2023 11:34

This reply has been deleted

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ThreePoodlesinaTrenchCoat · 28/03/2023 11:41

Nope, it's not "a lot more than that". It's a classic case of a bloke enjoying a bit of flirting at work. If you think it's anything more profound, then more fool you.

SoupDragon · 28/03/2023 12:16

Laura2121 · 28/03/2023 08:54

Hello all

First I would like to thank all posters for your time in putting in your posts. I see a lot of anger about my post. I feel I am unfairly getting categorised into ‘casual homewrecker’, and that anger on these types of women is being directed all at me. So as to ensure that a fuller picture is portrayed, I will shed some more light on what’s been happening.

The most important point to confirm is that I have been resisting this man’s eagerness for 8 whole months. I did touch on this in my opening post, but perhaps not to the extent that I needed to, since misconceptions on me being ‘just another homewrecker’ seem to be paramount here.

So how have I been taking concrete action on resisting it? Limiting contact, for one thing. I tried this at first by naturally keeping a ‘mental’ distance; keeping the conversation all professional, despite his attempts to make them extend into the personal world, to which yes I was getting tempted due to our good connection.

Then, I tried the ‘physical distance’. Making an excuse to swiftly leave my room if he came in there to chat with me. Hoping that would make it fade away. But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

Then came a big ‘milestone’ in this battle. After a casual but important disagreement we had where I felt he was unfair with me, I took a stand. Compounded by what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I asked this man to please “not speak to me unless it was about something work-related”. He respected this boundary, perhaps due to knowing it might have classified as harassment if he didn’t.

He did try to show me great respect for a few weeks after in all ways except by speaking to me, but the no-talking thing lasted for 2 whole months. It was very unnatural since we do work in rooms which are next to each other, and I missed him, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of keeping my feelings at bay.

Eventually though, through having to work together, we did make up, and we are both happy that we did since we did miss each other and now we can also work together more fluidly. We also revealed to each other that we were both resigning from our place of work in a few months, which was something we still haven’t told many people.

But yes, the feelings are growing again, which is what made me come on here. I do hope that my writing above has made it clear that I have tried many things to help the situation over these 8 months. But resigning from this workplace (which I should clarify here is for reasons not related to him), might be the thing that helps the most.

Thank you all again for your posts. I do help I have shed some light on the fact that those of us who are involved in some sort of emotional affair with a committed man aren’t just ‘bad girls out to cause careless havoc for the sake of pleasure’- at least in my specific situation, it is a lot more than that.

Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here. Not saying that excuses anything either, but I am not ‘knowingly having fantasies that I know can hurt someone’, if that makes sense.

What a load of back-pedalling nonsense 😂😂

you called his partner an "obstacle"!

I do hope that my writing above has made it clear that I have tried many things to help the situation over these 8 months.

nope. From your OP you are expecting him to ask you for a drink and want him to do this.

SoupDragon · 28/03/2023 12:18

JamSandle · 28/03/2023 10:09

Op, people are giving you a really hard time. Maybe because it chimes with their own experiences or fears about their own relationships.

You can't help who you feel things for and I completely think monogamy is a construct. If it was real, we wouldn't have the instincts and emotions we do towards othet people.

That said, it is best not to act on it especially in the workplace.

Op, people are giving you a really hard time. Maybe because it chimes with their own experiences or fears about their own relationships.

or maybe they have better morals.

it's all very well saying that you don't believe in monogamy but that is only relevant of all parties agree. As for it being a "construct" there are plenty of wild animals who mate for life.

elm26 · 28/03/2023 12:21

This reply has been deleted

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This. All of this.

Littleloveydovey · 28/03/2023 12:25

Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here

god you’re a foolish woman. Trying to convince yourself the sky is green. Yes they are happy,yes he’s shagging her, yes he loves her. grow up

Rowen32 · 28/03/2023 12:32

Just think of the innocent woman and child whose lives you will ruin if nothing else will convince you to not be so horrible..

hoophoophooray · 28/03/2023 12:48

Open relationships, polyamory, ethical non monogamy are absolutely fine in a relationship - if everyone agrees and there are ground rules.

Stop being an utter dick about this man, leave him alone, leave his family alone. You will ruin lives doing this.

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 13:16

You’re seriously considering an affair with an involved man who, despite being in a long relationship with a woman, with whom he shared a child, pursued you relentlessly and slagged off his partner?

Raise your bar. He sounds like scum, quite frankly.

letthatmango · 28/03/2023 14:50

‘bad girls out to cause careless havoc for the sake of pleasure’- at least in my specific situation, it is a lot more than that.’

Nothing in this latest update points to anything other than that you are out to cause havoc for the sake of pleasure. Your ‘feel goods’ clearly trumping his long term partners right to personal agency as that is clearly being taken from her as she is entirely unaware of you and him prancing around like pathetic teenagers. All this I took a stand and he respected me nonsense but we missed each other soooo much… jeez can you even hear yourself!

‘Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here.’

Where on earth has this bs come from? I don’t automatically assume a long term relationship is one where they are just ‘playing house’. I assume they are happy, love each other and are raising their children. You’re rewriting the narrative so you can rubber stamp your own behaviour. I’d be bloody assuming they were happy and she could get hurt not the opposite to salve my belief I can shag her husband.

Littleloveydovey · 28/03/2023 14:52

Antiquiteas · 28/03/2023 13:16

You’re seriously considering an affair with an involved man who, despite being in a long relationship with a woman, with whom he shared a child, pursued you relentlessly and slagged off his partner?

Raise your bar. He sounds like scum, quite frankly.

What> where has he pursued her never mind relentlessly? They’ve never even met outside work nor has he even asked her. And does she say he’s slagging off his partner? I can’t see it?

AnotherDayOfSun · 28/03/2023 15:04

Another thing to consider is that often in these cases, you do not have this supposed "connection" in spite of his being in a relationship - you have it BECAUSE he is in a relationship. Ever notice it is usually the married ones who act so interested, so smitten, so connected? Usually not the single ones, though. Why is that? It's just people wanting what they can't have.

Please, do not have it on your conscience that your behaviour affected an innocent child.

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2023 15:51

Sorry op but your update hasn’t helped. He seen you as a challenge. It feels like a game to him and how you’re both leaving your work, it also feels like an easy in and easy way out to him. He can tell you all the stories of how he cares but the moment he finally gets to sleep with you, then he will change. He will have doubts, The new job will be causing him stress and he will distance himself from you.

My dh has an old friend who is happily engaged with an older child. She believed their relationship was great. He seen someone else he liked, told her a pack of lies about how they only lived together for their child and that they would both have separated by now if they didn’t have their child and a house together. He eventually cheated on his partner and claimed the other girl was crazy and wouldn’t leave him alone. He blamed the other girl for being infatuated with him. She was labelled as a home wrecker at work. That title spread to her new work too. The fiancee thankfully ditched him but he begged for her to come back and just ignored the other girl. Don’t be that girl. Doesn’t matter if he’s happy or not in his relationship, it is not on you to ‘save’ him. If he is unhappy then he should do the right thing by his family and end the relationship properly. The fact that he’s not doing this shows he’s just wanting to use you. Again, doesn’t matter if he’s happy or not, you will still be a home wrecker.

Keep ignoring him op, keep your mental and physical distance! Put it down to a crazy crush and remind yourself that if he would happily cheat on his family then he’s not a great catch!

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 28/03/2023 16:13

Oh OP please don’t act on this, start your new job and you will move on, it’s amazing how proximity makes men seem alluring who would otherwise be meh.

Read this thread back to yourself in 6 months time and feel appalled at how easily you nearly became someone you don’t like… and then feel the relief you didn’t behave like a callous turd.

SugarMelonWater · 28/03/2023 16:33

I think in your new job you will look back and feel glad you didn't betray your morals for a bit of dick.

DatingDinosaur · 28/03/2023 17:11

Your update hasn't helped. He's still not available, whether he's happy in his current relationship or not.

You still have agency to stand firm with your "no" if he asks you for a drink or your number to keep in touch.

Yes it sucks when you have a crush on someone unavailable, even when you think the feelings are reciprocated. But there you go. That's life.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/03/2023 17:38

Why do you write so oddly? Playing house? living in sin? their relationship is an "obstacle"?

He sounds like a pest and your a fool to let him flirt with you. He is clearly a twat for chasing you around when you've aske to be left alone, and for trying to cheat on his partner. Why on earth would you be interested in him? Just leave this work place and find someone single.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/03/2023 17:52

I've yet to meet many partnered up men who are enjoying getting off on flirting who fully admit their marriage / relationship is great and they just want to play the long game to get into your knickers. Look OP, we can all find other people attractive and have chemistry with them but unless you have no moral compass at all then you need to ignore his middle aged ego boost unless he becomes single again- at the moment he isn't. Imagine if you were his partner and he was going off like this with someone new.

Porkscratching · 28/03/2023 18:08

Crushes happen, fair enough. But you cannot justify even thinking of going further. Have some self respect, and work on your morals. Especially if you think they are good.
There is a practically zero chance they're living together but not actually together, and I'm sure he would've said that if it was the case (and probably even if not if he wanted to sleep with you tbh).

There is absolutely no excuse to knowingly risk destroying other people's lives. You are an adult woman, grow up.

Porkscratching · 28/03/2023 18:09

Oh and if you are going to do it regardless, I would suggest reading through some of the multiple threads in this board from women who have been in his partners position.

See if you can still justify what you want to do.

Hawkins00 · 28/03/2023 18:17

Laura2121 · 28/03/2023 08:54

Hello all

First I would like to thank all posters for your time in putting in your posts. I see a lot of anger about my post. I feel I am unfairly getting categorised into ‘casual homewrecker’, and that anger on these types of women is being directed all at me. So as to ensure that a fuller picture is portrayed, I will shed some more light on what’s been happening.

The most important point to confirm is that I have been resisting this man’s eagerness for 8 whole months. I did touch on this in my opening post, but perhaps not to the extent that I needed to, since misconceptions on me being ‘just another homewrecker’ seem to be paramount here.

So how have I been taking concrete action on resisting it? Limiting contact, for one thing. I tried this at first by naturally keeping a ‘mental’ distance; keeping the conversation all professional, despite his attempts to make them extend into the personal world, to which yes I was getting tempted due to our good connection.

Then, I tried the ‘physical distance’. Making an excuse to swiftly leave my room if he came in there to chat with me. Hoping that would make it fade away. But no, he merely saw all of this as a challenge and tried harder, knowing he could win me over eventually.

Then came a big ‘milestone’ in this battle. After a casual but important disagreement we had where I felt he was unfair with me, I took a stand. Compounded by what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I asked this man to please “not speak to me unless it was about something work-related”. He respected this boundary, perhaps due to knowing it might have classified as harassment if he didn’t.

He did try to show me great respect for a few weeks after in all ways except by speaking to me, but the no-talking thing lasted for 2 whole months. It was very unnatural since we do work in rooms which are next to each other, and I missed him, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of keeping my feelings at bay.

Eventually though, through having to work together, we did make up, and we are both happy that we did since we did miss each other and now we can also work together more fluidly. We also revealed to each other that we were both resigning from our place of work in a few months, which was something we still haven’t told many people.

But yes, the feelings are growing again, which is what made me come on here. I do hope that my writing above has made it clear that I have tried many things to help the situation over these 8 months. But resigning from this workplace (which I should clarify here is for reasons not related to him), might be the thing that helps the most.

Thank you all again for your posts. I do help I have shed some light on the fact that those of us who are involved in some sort of emotional affair with a committed man aren’t just ‘bad girls out to cause careless havoc for the sake of pleasure’- at least in my specific situation, it is a lot more than that.

Also, just as an aside, I don’t even know whether this man and his partner are still romantically involved, or whether they are just living together trying to play ‘house’ for the sake of their child. It is commendable if so, but if I ‘knew’ that he and she were happy together I would never even think to about it to the extent of posting a thread on here. Not saying that excuses anything either, but I am not ‘knowingly having fantasies that I know can hurt someone’, if that makes sense.

Basically could it be debated that you have the desire for the other male and given the opportunity, you would do the dance with no pants, "quoting Sheldon cooper"

feellikeanalien · 28/03/2023 18:24

If this is real the bottom line is that you're desperately trying to justify having an affair with a man who has along term partner and a son. I think it's time to have your moral compass recalibrated.

All the cliches are there. Even the fact that you are saying that they are staying together for the child. Again, if this is real, read the "script".

You're not really as unique as you think.