How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

Do you love him? Were you happy with him ?

I doubt it. So you need to ask yourself… what are you grieving? Stress tension arguments

@Villssev our lost future, the tarnished memories. We’re going to lose our home. I’m going into early retirement alone. The children will be leaving home in the not so distant future.

I did love him. He was once a good man. Not one that I thought would do this.

Sending love and hugs OP. I know it's awful right now. But things will get easier, one day at a time. I'm so sorry your going through this. When your head is clearer, write down everything, make a plan. Do you have good support network around you?

But it’s not a lost future
because the future would have likely been more tension, breakdowns, arguments and profound unhappiness.

now… there is hope

how old are you?

It WILL get better. You're in survival mode now but that won't last forever.

It was a callous thing for him to do and you're still in shock. Take time to grieve and start planning what to do next. From experience it's likely he'll want to come back in a few months time but you'll be surprised how hardened you have become. It's gets easier but very slowly. Concentrate on yourself and your healing.

I am so sorry you are going through this awful pain and betrayal. I was cheated on during a long term relationship (but didn't know it at the time).

When it ended it felt as though my heart was physically damaged (if that makes sense?). I'd lost everything, not just my relationship but my hopes for the future, some friends, everything that made life 'normal'.

All these years later, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that it happened. That sounds so strange but only now can I see how unhappy I was in the relationship. I was constantly on nervy tenterhooks, always trying to be perfect, always trying to please him. It was all about him and it was rare that any of my emotional needs were met.

That's not going to help you now in the immediate shock and aftermath but it absolutely will get better! The best thing you can do it focus on building up a steely inner core and start to imagine a positive future free of a relationship where you're the one doing all the 'heavy lifting'. You will be ok OP! 😊

@Villssev I’ve just gone 54.

You are in shock and grieving, what a git. Drag yourself to a solicitor and seek some advice about your situation.

I think in the very short term you should go to the doctor and see if there is anything they can suggest on the physical symptoms x

A therapist I saw after a bad abandonment compared abandonment to opium withdrawal. The same kind of shock happens , the same kind of chemicals are released in our brains.

there’s a book called “from abandonment to healing” you might give a look, when you feel you can sustain it - I know it’s so so hard to focus when you’re hurting this badly.

ride it out like labor pains - at this point right now, it’s chemical. There’s no sense asking yourself what you’re grieving or why-

the reality is, it’s something you thought was secure, and someone just ripped the ground out from under you.

there IS healing on the other side, OP- you just need to hang on, keep taking deep breaths, and try not to spiral into thinking too much- just take care of your basic self, water, tea, food …

and in time, you will be able to start to slowly pull things together once the shock has worn off.

sending you support and care. You CAN and will get through this. One day, there’s an even better life ahead, and you’ll look back and be so surprised at how happy you are, free of the weight of a man who was a struggle.

but for now- it’s like a bad wound, you need rest and quiet and just keep telling yourself “I choose peace.”

💐

I feel for you. Many years ago, I came home from work to an empty house, he’d just cleared off after 7 years.

It does get easier and the best part is as a PP said, is when you’ve got yourself together and they see that and suddenly want to come back. I was strong then though and didn’t need him.

Try to focus on practical things, see a solicitor, sort out the finances.

Maybe it’s time for a new job, one you want rather than go into early retirement.

Good luck, the pain will pass.

Take it slowly. Try and eat something and reach out to friends or family. It's lonely and horrible, but it's happening and you have to cope. He sounds like a total arse - how can he just ignore his DC? I'm so sorry 💐

Have you got someone you can confide in and who will listen to you?

How absolutely awful for you…you sound devastated and ill with shock and panic, poor you.

First off, make a call to your gp to explain the situation and your current frame of mind. Hopefully they can give you something to alleviate the more taxing symptoms of your anxiety. You won’t be able to think clearly while you’re rattling.

Thank you, everyone, who has taken the time to reply. I really appreciate your kind words. Sorry to those that have had similar pain.

I think I do need to see a GP, but not sure what they can do. I’m on antidepressants already. My youngest DD suffered a terrible trauma at 14, and I am still struggling with that. She appears to be okay, but I make sure I am always here for her.

Here’s a pic of my lovely dog, keeping me company! He’s stuck to me like glue!

I’ve got a good support network. My elderly parents live quite far away, but I’m in regular contact. I don’t let them see how upset I really am. My mum is recovering from life saving surgery. Well, it was a year ago, but I don’t want to upset them.

Some friends have not been as present as I thought, but that’s their prerogative, I suppose. My other family have been great. My sister is taking me out for Sunday lunch, as both DDs are at work today. I don’t know if I can face it. I can’t eat, or think straight really.

Even a top up of propranolol can rub off the edges in the immediate. I’m on citalopram but also get a wee stash of propranolol to keep in case of my head popping off in the moment. Or they may have a better idea for you.
All I know is that the anxiety is unbearable. You wonder if you’ll ever feel yourself again.

I’m hoping that last night was the worst it can be. It can’t be any worse than that, can it? I couldn’t breathe. The shock was indescribable. I felt that my life was over.

I keep asking, why me? Why am I in this hell? I’m not a bad person. Why are my beautiful DDs suffering like this. I’m trying to keep them buoyed up, but they’re so worried about their future.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, but it does get easier and better - in time.

For now the future is getting through the next hour and then the next- try not to think longer term than that right now.

You may not think it today or tomorrow or the next day but your future is going to be brighter without him. He was draining you and now you’re young and free to build a fresh and exciting future for you and your girls
You’ve got this 💪🏻💐

How long? How long before I feel normal again? Years? Months? I know it’s individual and down to me. I just can’t see that I can remain in this state for long. It’s debilitating.

Thank you 💐

Make a brew, take the dog out…. One hour will have passed and you will have survived it
Wash your cup, make your bed have a shower… another hour survived
See your sister, you don’t have to have a big meal but you will have got through the afternoon … and then you will have got through a day without having him in your life.
Same tomorrow 💪🏻 💐

I can't say how long you stay as you are, but I think you need to see your GP and get some meds - someone suggested Propranolol and that was given to me, it helped massively.

Go see a solicitor and find out where you and the children stand. You need to find some inner strength from deep deep down and get angry.

It took me a couple of years to get back on my feet 100%, but each month got better, I found strength, I had help from family and friends and I went back to education, then work. Everything was scary but I found a way. I had to. There wasn't a choice.

@EvlisPersley is correct, it is tiny steps just now, an hour, a half hour, a few minutes. Every little thing you do is an achievement.