How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

Totally understand
I split with my husband a couple of days ago
still very fresh and I am in bits
And there was another women and I've tried for 6 months to put it behind us and I can't
If you find that crystal ball can I borrow it to please 😬😬😬

We can go together 😊

Sounds good to me
Could do with a friend who understands

I wouldn’t contact him. I’ve found any contact with my ex has made me feel worse as he’s so cold and detached with me which hurts. Communicating by email is a good suggestion.

Hi OP, six months and two weeeks ago I was you. Husband of 24 years came home from work to pack a bag and move out to make himself happy.

This was 6 months to the day our son got diagnosed with cancer.

This brush with mortality resulted in him reevaluating his life and in his quest for happiness he essentially abdicate alll family responsibilities.

We went to counselling but he didn’t engage, he just used the sessions to tell me over and over how dreadful I was to his mental health and that he needed to move on.

The script.

It was like the man I’d been with for so long had disappeared.

No evidence of an OW, although I know he got close to a work colleague whilst our son was going through chemo.

It is hell you are going through, but you will get there. I didn’t think I would ever smoke again and although my heart remains broken, I do find a bit of happiness each day.

Small steps, and you will be able to walk out of this misery.

You deserve better.

*smile

Oh OP I'm so so sorry, what an awful thing for him to do. It's not fair. He's behaved disgustingly. This is on Him, not you.

I had a truly heartbreaking split just over a year ago - though not as traumatic as this. The worst ever (I'm 51). For me the first 2 weeks were the worst and I barely functioned. I learnt that paracetamol helps with the physical pain of heartache. Trashy tv - Gilmore girls - for me whiled away time. I leant on everyone I could. I saw gp and upped my anti depressants. I was as kind to myself as possible.

You and your kids will be ok in the end. But this part is brutal and about getting through each day until you start to feel a little better sometimes.

Sending love and strength 💐

No Contact is best. Consider writing down what you'd say to him to get it out of you. You can scrawl in big red sharpie if it helps (did for me).

Also it is ok for your dcs to see you upset because this is big. They will also see you gradually recover and that will be an invaluable lesson for them that people recover from the saddest things.

This is good progress. Hope you are proud of yourself.

@Tootiredtosleep

It sounds like it could have been a panic attack last night. I would wake from sleep in the night having them. Horrible.

Agree about Sundays. They do seem to go slower than other days. Can also relate to it seeming like everyone is in pairs or in happy families when you go out.

I’m so sorry to hear this. How selfish and cruel. I hope you and your son are doing well.

Just lying in bed with the dog, contemplating going to work. I know it’s better if I go. I feel despair to the pit of my stomach.

I think I will call the GP at 8 when they open. I can’t go on like this.

On a positive note, had a lovely FaceTime call with an old friend last night, and we shared a glass of wine. It was really nice to chat.

For your kids sake if not yours OP

get up, shower, work. Some semblance of normality is important

Thank you. Yes, you’re right. He’s not worth it. Stupid weak man.

I’m up and ready to go to work.

@Tootiredtosleep you poor, poor thing. I am in a very similar position. I’m aged 50 , have DC aged 18 and 21 and am three weeks in to my abandonment. I’ve got a thread running in 90 days only and 30 days only. Some really good advice on there. PM me if you like. You can do this xxx

You’ve got this, OP.
Well done for getting up and showing up when it would have been easier staying at home. You're honestly amazing. You’re an excellent role model for your children. They’ll see all this and they’ll remember all of this.

Hi OP gosh so sorry to hear this. Sending virtual hugs to you and your children. How are your children coping with it? Assuming you've spoke to them? X

Sorry to be blunt but sometimes people are thoughtless selfish idiots.

You can save yourself years of pain and hand wringing asking yourself “Whyyyyyy did he do this when I did everything for him? How could he?”

He’s a selfish idiot is why. It’s not you, it’s him. Don’t wait around for closure, or an explanation. Close the door. He treated you badly because he was being selfish. Harden your heart, pick up the tatters of your dignity, and go out and build a beautiful life for yourself. You have your kids. He doesn’t deserve a minute more of your time. Take your power back. Don’t negotiate, beg, argue, or demand. Let your dignity and your silence be a cloak of protection against future pain. Because he WILL twist the knife if you let him. Don’t let him.

Hi OP. One of my boyfriends when I was younger did this to me on Christmas Day. Walked out and never spoke to me again after an argument. It took me months to finally accept it and a few years to recover fully. It all depends on your frame of mind and how strong you are mentally. I was weak and held onto it for too long and suffered in silence. Please do not do the same, go and get the help you need, visit friends/family. Take the children out, find a good support network.
Healing time is different for everyone, but in time you will come to realise that he has done you a massive favour. It 2 months time you'll look back and feel 10x better than you do now. It's just taking it one step at a time. The grief is awful, then comes the anger and sadness, then the happiness slowly returns and you start getting back on your feet. You just need to survive day to day and you will get there. I promise.

Hi op. You will get through this.

He’s a cowardly bastard isn’t he?

Instead of berating yourself for effort lost when your dh had his break down, try and reframe it in your mind that you were being compassionate and strong for your family and hold your head up for that. It is his decision it didn’t work and that’s on him, but you tried your hardest. He gets to make his own decisions unfortunately but you know you gave it everything.

I hope you got a gp appointment and that they are sympathetic.

You need to treat yourself with huge compassion, like you have gone through a major operation, and just take it step by step for the next fortnight.

Make a decision about work and get yourself signed off or not.

If you sign off, make yourself do a few tasks in the morning, then once they are done, allow yourself some private wallowing or grieving time so you can be strong for your girls in the evening.

Sixteen and eighteen are very hard ages to be going through. How are they doing? Is your dh in touch with them separately?

Try and get some legal assistance in place. You need to protect your finances. Look out important documents. Find proof of his income etc. It’s important you are ready and don’t let him do all the running and initiating on this. You need to be very active in these decisions. Don’t sit around passively waiting to counter his moves. You can initiate some of your own to protect yourself. Be unemotionless and businesslike in your dealings with him. He’s no longer your friend. Surprise him with your calm competence.

Try and see a counsellor and that’s when you can pour out your emotions or you can journal every day which is very helpful. In a year or so from now you won’t recognise the emotions you have written down and all will be well but a bit of compartmentalising is required in the meantime.

And take control of your sister’s visit. You are the one in need. If you can’t face eating, suggest a dog walk instead. Don’t let that be another stress.

💐💐💐

It’s horrible for you right now. You are in shock still. He has pulled the rug from under your feet . You have to take everything moment by moment. Don’t think too far ahead it’s too overwhelming.

It happened to me many years ago. I thought I would never get over it, part of me didn’t want to. Exh had affair and wanted to be with OW. I had supported him through a really difficult time 2 years before (of his own making), that was equally terrifying for me, all that was forgotten. They rewrite history by making out they’ve been so unhappy, to make themselves feel better about what they’ve done.

We did not have any children due to my infertility. I recall a couple of weeks after the break up on the train and sitting opposite a family. A mum and a dad and two children all laughing happily it was heartbreaking. Particularly as we had been through years of unsuccessful IVF.

It was about 3 months later when I started to feel better. Exh kept saying he wanted to work it out with me. I said I would be willing to talk about it once he was free of the OW. He made constant excuses as to why he couldn’t end it with OW until I woke up and realised he never would, and I didn’t want to be with him anyway. I felt better from then.

You are in shock. Your future has been ripped away from you and now future is unknown and that is scary. However you have your two DD’s. They are your future and one day you will meet someone else and be happy again - but its hard to see that now.

Do things that make you feel good. Haircut, nails - anything that makes you feel good and relaxed. Move furniture around and make little changes in house. A new set of pink towels for the bathroom perhaps?

Exercise really helped me as it got rid of that anxiety that I constantly had in my stomach. Take comfort in your friends and your little dog!

When you feel able to cope with absorbing the information, get some legal advice. Don’t make any big decisions about the future take everything one step at a time, one day at a time even one hour at a time.

I have no bitterness, and I’m actually glad exh ended our marriage as I was unhappy too. There is a future, you just can see it yet its too hazy. In time it will come in to view.

I met someone else the following year, and 2 years later had my much wanted baby. There is always hope!

Thank you everyone. Your messages are helping more than you will ever know.

I'm at work, and feel reasonably okay. No contact at all, whilst hard, is definitely the best way forward for now.

@Bluespecsandshoes he's not been in much contact with them, to be honest. 99% of contact has been initiated by them. The youngest DD has decided to leave him be, and won't contact him again, unless he does. Oldest is softer and more sympathetic, so she does contact him regularly. Mostly, though, she gets a this is hard for me too rhetoric.

I'm so happy that I managed to get up and come to work. It definitely does make things seem a bit brighter.

Again, sorry to anyone who has experienced similar. It really is the hardest thing. I love to hear the recovery stories, and can't wait until I'm commenting on future threads with the same advice!

@Channellingsophistication - so happy to hear you recovered and got your beautiful baby!

Very well done for getting in to work op. That shows a lot of grit. Take it steady.

Almost 2yrs ago I went through the same
thing. BUT, he was so awful that all myself and the kids felt was pure relief. And as others have pointed out, months later, asked to come back, not a chance. You will get through it, I used to repeat to myself, I deserve more, and that helped me stay strong in making sure there was no chance of reconciliation. Goodluck xx