How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

Do you have friends you could confide in?

they would be my saviours in times like this

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo your post is so nice, and it's lovely to know strangers can show such compassion to someone on the internet. I'm sorry to hear you've experience similar, but glad that it worked out.

@Villssev it hasn't always been ghastly, but I hear you. I just thought we could work through it. Everything we had built together and the future we have planned was worth it. Obviously not. I do have friends, but I've shut off a bit. I don't want to make anyone else so miserable. They know I will reach out when I am ready.

You've had lots of good advice already OP which I won't repeat but as someone further down the line I wanted to say that you will absolutely get through this.

When my XH left for OW out of the blue (day before my birthday) after 23 years together I honestly thought I'd never feel good again. Some days I had to take it minute by minute but I've got there. It's shock and a physical pain, I know, and knowing that time is the only thing that will help is so bloody hard, but it is true.

We also had a pre-booked family holiday which I took my DC on and, whilst it was hard, we still have brilliant memories and I can look back and think "I did that". I then took my 2 DD to New York 6 months later and had an absolutely fabulous time.

What I'm trying to say is that you will get through it, life will be good again. Yes it will be hard but you can do it.

Wishing you strength and love

Thank you @Justanothernametoday. It is comforting to know that time will heal and I will get through it. It most definitely is a physical pain. I'm really struggling.

Thank you for your good wishes. It's so sad to read so many similar stories.

How long did it take for you to feel 'okay' again?

@Tootiredtosleep I won't lie and pretend it was quick because it wasn't, but neither was it linear. I had good days and bad, good weeks and bad, but it did get better.

My XH was a complete arsehole and dragged the divorce out over 3 years but I got through it. He's remarried now (to OW) and I couldn't give less of a shit.

Counselling may help when you feel ready, it did for me, as did anti-depressants so don't be afraid to ask your GP to review your dose.

My DC and I are now thriving, life is good and so will yours be.

All the best

Thank you for your help, and your honesty @Justanothernametoday. May you and your DDs continue to thrive

Might it help to keep reminding yourself that he actually, quite simply, is not worth all your pain?

The same to you and your DDs @Tootiredtosleep.

Try and be gentle with yourself and enjoy NYC

Been through that myself OP and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. You probably feel as if your world has just caved in around you right now and you're feeling rock bottom, but let me reassure you of this - it gets better. It will be tough for a few weeks and then not quite so tough. In a few months you'll feel different again.... different as in much better! I used to ask myself why I wept so many tears over such an ar**hole. What right had he to treat me so badly and make me ill? The answer, none. So don't let him cause you more upset than he has. Keep your chin up and go forward. He isn't worth the upset he has caused you. Just remember, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Make sure it's a good one. (PM me if you wish).

Thank you @Gamezup that's exactly how I feel. Two weeks, and I seem to be slipping into a bad bout of just 'sadness'. I can't really explain it.

I'm not asking him to come back, and I'm really proud of myself for that. I will not put myself in that position. He's still denying another woman, vehemently. Maybe he is one of 1% of men who leave for no reason, but I doubt it. When I convince myself that he's telling the truth, I feel better. There is comfort to be gained from not thinking he's happy with another woman.

On the plus side, I've lost 8 lbs. Every cloud has a silver lining !

Fuck my life. This is just shit. How did you all get through this? I can’t see an end to this misery.

Finally spoke to DH. Definitely wants a divorce, no going back, no counselling. Nothing. Apparently I’m controlling and I show narcissistic tendencies. He needs peace.

So, happy to let me do everything for over 20 years. Now when it suits him I’m a narcissist.

This pain is indescribable. I want to scream and shout. I just want him to come back. To me us again.

Still saying there isn’t anyone else.

To be us again.
I don’t know how to be, without him there. I can’t do it.

Tootired, you can do this, you will make it through. You've probably done so much without his active participation, you've raised two children and I'm willing to bet you did over 80% if not more of the primary caring. You will get through. You can function without him. Remember to breathe (find a pillow to scream and shout into if that might help). You will be happy again. Can you watch/read something to try and redirect your brain for a bit? Go down a YouTube rabbit hole of Strictly or Cute Cats......or whatever floats your boat. Hugs

The enormity of this is just overwhelming. I never thought he would do this to me. Never.

Apparently I’m controlling and I show narcissistic tendencies. He needs peace.

You are sooooo controlling and narcissistic, OP, that he has left his daughters, the most precious things to him the whole world (surely?) with you 🤔

Take this as you cue not to have any direct contact with him ever again. He will just lie to you and hurt you. Email only, about the children and finances. Don't agree to anything without legal advice.

I wondered how he could go from being a good dad to hardly contacting his young teenage child - then saw that he's let you do all the hard yards. No surprise there!

I'm sorry it's so hard right now but it WILL be better without him. You (and your daughters) deserve better.

Where is he staying OP?

Whats going on with money?

Are you able to see a counsellor or speak to your GP to help get you through this difficult time? Many of us have been through a similar experience, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through, but it does get better, hurts less in time

@Tootiredtosleep Ignore what he has said, it’s a fake narrative he has told himself and rehearsed and repeated in his head to allow himself to find justification for the appalling way he is treating you. Read that again: it is fake. Spin, that’s all it is. Anyone who is doing something which they feel guilt and shame about needs to dump these very uncomfortable feelings as soon as possible to avoid seeing the truth about themselves. How to do it? Lie. Then lie some more, especially to themselves. The blame, he is saying, the responsibility, lies with you, not him. You drove him to it apparently which neatly turns him into the victim and you into the aggressor. Now he deserves pity, not contempt. It’s absolute bullshit, it really is. Listen to none of it.
There is more than likely an OW, give it a few weeks and she’ll come crawling out of his woodwork as somebody he’s ‘just met.’ The ‘poor me’ narrative will be part of the bollocks he has spun to justify her existence, too. Obviously I don’t know this for certain but it’s very script-like and my husband was thinking of doing this too, he said that was what would have happened, he’d have pretended he’d just met her. Just don’t listen to any of it, he’s made all his own misery and has now added to it.
I am just so sorry, I can’t imagine what you are going through. I can’t offer anything to change things for you but I will say that I think you should find some help now, talk to your GP, or find a counsellor if you can. You need someone to help you process the grief and shock and give you a pathway back up to the air, you must feel as if you are drowning right now, and I’m not surprised. Take tiny, tiny steps at a time, there’s no rush to do anything. What you need now is solid advice. You need to see a solicitor if you haven’t already, and you need to get some support with your health and state of mind. It’s overwhelming and unexpected and you don’t know where to turn or what to do first. You need a simple plan, a map showing you the steps to take to move forward and find what is best for you and your family, financially, practically and mentally. Make a short list of things you need to do, and prioritise what you need to do first. You’ll find the strength, I’m sure you will. Sending love X

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You will come out of this stronger and happier.💐

I know what it feels like. The days are too long and getting through each one is too much. Post on here as much as you need to - you have to endure the days until you start to enjoy them again. You can do it, but don’t stop reaching out. We’re here for you.

@Tootiredtosleep I just read your post and felt I had to reply just to add another voice to say you will be ok, your daughters sound amazing and I’m glad they are there for you and they will help pull you through. My DH didn’t leave me but he had an affair and I understand the pain you describe, the waves of grief can be overwhelming but hang in there and believe in yourself, he doesn’t deserve your tears.

Thank you again @Thewookiemustgo. It’s the worst pain. I’ve definitely crashed. Yesterday was horrific. My eldest DD actually called the doctor, and then drove me to see him. He was lovely. I’ve got some diazepam. I took two last night, but still lay awake half the night, dissecting the last 22 years and what I could have done differently. Sigh.

Thanks @closingtime101,@Mypatioisminging and @JustMoved123. Sorry if I missed anyone else.

This is a path I didn’t want to tread, yet here I am. I hope I can come out the other side.

After finally reaching out to my best friend, I think I’ve decided to not sell the house yet. It’s too much to deal with right now. Then I will go get some advice.

@Villssev he’s got a truck that’s fully kitted out with bed, cooking facilities. He says he’s living in that. He’s also leaving his wages into the joint account - for now.

You are grieving and it's completely understandable. Take each day in chunks, 15 minutes at a time if that's helpful. Sending hugs

I hope today is better than yesterday for you. Be kind to yourself.

Another one coming out in support. I well remember the shock that person I thought had my back stabbed me in it. Remember he is not now your friend and is ahead of you.