How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

How are you doing now @northernlight20 ?

To be honest, DH has been a great Dad, and husband up to this point. But this last 12 months he's been so miserable, argumentative and moody, that both girls have said they feel relief that he's gone too. They are looking forward to a new future on our own.

I'm sure I'll get there, taking one day at a time.

I had counselling for almost a year and during that time, I met my current fiancée. He has been an eye opener. Just love the feeling of having a ‘normal’ relationship, something I’d never experienced with my ex. And we are getting married in a few
months time. The kids have thrived away from their dad and no longer have anything to do with him (their choice). I look back now and it feels like a lifetime ago, and I’m just so glad to be able to start again (in my 40s) and build a new life with no drama and I now look forward to going home. Peace of mind, worth more than I can even begin to explain.

I'd start by writing down all of his bad points. I found out that my H had cheated on me with several OW, throughout our 20 year relationship and I left him. It was very painful at first, but honestly, after a while you realise he's just one man in a planet awash with men. We are NC. I honestly wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire now. The thought of him repulses me. One thing I have noticed, with female friends of mine, is that every man who leaves his wife, comes crawling back some time later. He will regret this.

@BeachBlondey that would be a very long list 😂

Sounds like you made the right decision. It is great to hear positive stories.

Deep down, I know I'm better off without him. I just need to get through this first.

You need to look at it as you've got away from this cheating, horrid man. You have freed up the time ahead for yourself! Easier said than done. But book yourself a weekend away to get your head together, somewhere lovely you can retreat and try to enjoy yourself a bit. Start to plan what you want to do with your life - all the things that he would never have agreed to but you always wanted to do. Reclaim a room of your house by re-decorating it (even on a surface level), removing his stuff and replacing it with all your favourite colours, furniture, artwork, designs and things that he would have never liked or agreed to. A small thing but might be surprisingly empowering because it will help your headspace a lot!

Well, there you are then - he had lots of bad points. Concentrate on that. Maybe if he hadn't left, you would have been with him and his bad points for too long! And you deserve more. He has probably done you a favour, even though it doesn't feel like that just now.

You will recover, and the chances are you'll meet a lovely man to spend your retirement with (if that's what you want).

I thank my lucky stars that ExH cheated on me, because without that happening I wouldn't have left and I wouldn't have met my lovely DH.

It's so true, that if you had a crystal ball it would be easier. But honestly, I promise you, that at some point down the line, you will be relieved that he did this.

On a practical note, you need to get a separation agreement. You are entitled to half of his pension, if his is bigger than yours. Don't let him off with this. See a Solicitor and be ruthless.

But this last 12 months he's been so miserable, argumentative and moody

I bet this is likely to be the timeframe of OW.

@Livinghappy I totally agree. But he's still denying it. Unbelievable.

@BeachBlondey Thank you for your advice. I've called a few solicitors today, get some general advice. Then I'll take it from there.

I'm more clued up than him on finances, but if he has someone telling him he's entitled to God knows what, it's best I get ahead.

This is probably outing, for anyone who knows me on here, but me and the DDs booked him a surprise trip to New York for his 50th in May this year.

We are still going to go, but the thought of it alone makes me feel so anxious. I hope by May I feel better, and we're able to enjoy the trip. The DDs are still very much looking forward to it, even without him.

@Tootiredtosleep could you take a supportive friend along with you? Also just to say NYC is a little intimidating before you go but when you get there you will love it and be fine. I went with my daughter (age 11) last year alone. Just make sure you take time out when you arrive to sleep and regular downtime rather than trying to do too much as it's quite full on! You'll be fine.

Thank you @catsinwater. It's just the thought of going without him. It makes me so sad 😞

I'm hoping by May I'll be feeling a bit better.

You poor love, I do know exactly how horrible you feel as I was in your position at the same age as you and after 26 years of marriage. Well, your one can fuck right off! Definitely go to NY in May and have an absolute ball. Fake it till you make it. It is less painful to go completely NC with him; if you think about it there is nothing he can say that will make this any better for you. Even if he were to come back with his begging bowl he has totally screwed the trust up, something I would have given my right arm for for a long time, but it has taken me years to realise that after a betrayal like that there can be no coming back.

Thank you @colddrytoast. You're right, there is no coming back from such a betrayal. That's what is causing me so much panic. As I know, that even if he was to want to come back, he can't. It's over. It's so final, and brutal and nothing I ever expected to happen to me at this age. I feel so overwhelmed by it.

Hope you're doing okay now.

Have a look at Chumplady, 💪@Tootiredtosleep💪

Thank you@ShellsOnTheBeach I will take a look. Feeling slightly better today!

OP I'm sorry, I have felt like you do. I had a huge shock of betrayal at the start of February and I was in pieces like you are now. However, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what my marriage was really like and in hindsight it was far from perfect. I was grieving a future and a love I thought I had, but actually I didn't. Your husband is so cruel, to walk out like that and to do it to your kids too. How are they feeling about this? You will get through this. One day at a time, and one day forward is one day closer to feeling better about it.

@TotallyLosttonight thank you. The start of February wasn't too long ago, so you seem to be coping really well.

You know, the DDs are fine. They worry about me, which I hate, as I should be looking after them. But they're getting on with it. They do say they're glad he is gone, as a lot of the tension is gone too.

He is cruel, and only thinking of himself. He's still insisting there isn't another woman. I don't know what's true any more.

What I do know is, even if he wanted to come back, I don't want him. Too much hurt. I just want to fast forward and be me again.

Bad day today. I'm so, so very sad 😥

Just seen your thread op, so sorry you're having to deal with this. With regard to how you're feeling, it's a form of grief. I've learnt that accepting you are feeling shit, not trying to fight it, rolling with the punch effectively is a good way to be able to keep moving forward. Accept there will be ok days and bad days and eventually better days and ok days. It's awful when you're in the early days of any grief because you feel like your drowning in it but for me accepting it, even wallowing (within the bounds of having to be a present mum) actually made it easier to handle and I find it passes faster if I accept it for the time it is occurring. Would getting signed off help? A friend has similar happen recently and was signed off for a good month or more whilst she adjusted to the new reality she'd had inflicted on her.

Thank you @Pashazade. It is like grief. Although, I don't want to diminish the grief felt by anyone who has lost a DH.

I've just written down all the things I want to ask him, but can't/won't. It's killing me not contacting him, but I know it's for the best.

I think if I got signed off, I wouldn't know what to do. I like the structure to my days. My boss is a friend and very understanding, so that helps a lot. He knows what is going on.

The new reality inflicted on her, is a good way of putting it.

For today, I'll try and roll with the punches. It's bloody hard!

@Tootiredtosleep I’m so sorry to read what has happened to you, it’s absolutely terrible. What you are experiencing IS grief, there are many different kinds, not just grief through bereavement. Grief is caused by a significant loss of any kind, and the process is the same. You are experiencing the loss of your life as you knew it, your relationship and your perceived future. The grieving process is the same. Have a look at websites about the grieving process, it might help. In the meantime take great care of yourself xx

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo I will take a look.

I just want him to come back today. Even though I know he won't, and I can't let him anyway. I just want things to be normal again.

@Tootiredtosleep it’s heartbreaking to hear your pain, I stayed with my husband after his affair, that happened after 34 years together and I found out three months before our 30 th wedding anniversary, the shock was appalling, absolutely nothing to predict this in decades. My circumstances and pain were different to yours, but for a few days immediately afterwards I thought he’d leave and in my head I went through the lot and peered down the barrel of what you are going through now. That you can even work at all (I know you’ve said it helps) is incredible, you might not feel strong but your strength shines through from here. Don’t berate yourself for how you feel or wishing he was with you, it’s perfectly natural and understandable, even though he’s been a colossal jerk and is being very stupid indeed, let alone selfish and hurtful to say the least. You can’t just switch love off like a tap, so don’t feel bad for wishing he was with you. However he may or may not feel, you’re effectively playing catch up with this.
Just wish I could be of help. Feel free to pm if you even just need a random to chat to.
Just don’t feel or be alone in your head, I didn’t tell anyone what was going on and even though he wanted to stay, I was massively conflicted, in shock and terrible pain and could tell nobody at the time. It was bloody lonely, so please don’t be me. X

Look back in the last couple of years

what do you actually want to repeat of those years?

they sound… ghastly