@Tootiredtosleep it absolutely is a visceral pain, it rips you in two. So again, take time, this will take a while to even absorb. You are back in shock again, yet another not long after the first one, and not that it helps, but I feel for you, I really do. One thing I learned was to stop trying to get my head round it from a ‘normal’ viewpoint. It is incomprehensible because you are looking at it from your moral standpoint, your belief systems about love and loyalty, and simultaneously coming to terms with the fact that you always thought his belief systems lined up with yours. If they had done, if he had had the integrity to stick to the vows he made, he wouldn’t have done this. He doesn’t think about morality in the same way that you do. You can’t imagine yourself ever doing anything as despicable as this, therefore it’s just not something you can understand. Don’t try to, it’s not worth it. He may well have had an intact moral compass at some point. But when it showed him the right way to go, it hurt his conscience and tried to stop him doing what he wanted, so he started lying to himself, justifying ignoring the compass. Slowly his moral compass lost the ability to show true north, and got skewed. It’s very common for those who have affairs to struggle with the ‘why’ they did it, because once you strip away the bullshit they told themselves to ease their consciences, there’s no justification left or real reason. They’ve lived with so much dubious thinking and mental gymnastics and history re-writes going on, that they find it hard to define the reality that led to it all. Because what led to it all was their choice, their brokenness leading the way, they avoid trying to look at the reality of it all because it’s bloody painful and shaming to see that actually they acted out of pure selfishness and that it was all about them. And that they brought it all on themselves. Your husband didn’t view this in the same way as you, and will probably refuse to see it that way until his last breath, since in abandoning you and his children, he has train wrecked his life and, as with any kind of post rationalisation, this absolutely has to work out for him. Because if it doesn’t, he’s been a complete idiot and will be forced to admit he just made another horrible mistake. So it’s pointless trying to get your head round what he was thinking, how could he do this, why did he do this etc, even though you are no doubt desperate to hear how the hell the man you loved and married could have done this, and asking yourself, having spent your life with him, who the hell is he? He did it because of historical issues of his own, because of unchecked personality flaws like selfishness and entitlement, and because he is an Olympic standard liar who specialises in lying to himself in order to justify the shitty things he’s done. He’s the king of making himself into a victim of other people, a victim of circumstances and therefore justified in doing xyz because ‘they made me do it’ ‘I had no choice, given the circumstances’ ‘ I was driven to it’ ‘they never cared about me so…’ ‘I had no other choice than to…’ So don’t bother trying to understand it all, the whole thing is the product of a skewed internal narrative, an invented alternative back story and even an alternative reality to the one the rest of us inhabit. Just take care of yourself, because what he did, with whom, how often, when, how long, will eat you alive trying to figure out, so stop trying. He’s gone, there’s no reconciliation, so this information isn’t needed to move forward. The trash took itself out, and that information went with him and although you want to know and deserve to know, you don’t need to know his seedy story, it will only serve to hurt you further. He had an affair, he’s left, and thank goodness for that, you don’t need this selfish uncaring man, you deserve better. Find a counsellor to help you through this, it’s an enormous, shattering event which now has an added element to it which is another body blow. Get support and somewhere you can talk this out as soon as you can, but waste no more head space on what he did, you have proof from that message, sent at such a damaging moment what a horrible, spiteful woman he had an affair with. Don’t ever think she must have been better than you or that she must have had something you don’t, dear God Tootired, I don’t know you but can tell from your writing, your good manners and grace written here, you are worth a million compared to a vindictive woman like that. Take care now, rest, try to eat and have plenty of fluids if you can’t eat much. But please get help to work through this, it will help you to see it with perspective and see him for who he is. You must remove yourself from any blame and shame and put both where they lie: with him. He is to blame, he should carry the shame for this, then you can start to heal and find a new, happier life, even if that seems impossible now. The clouds just got darker and thicker, but I promise you that the sun is still there. Sending love X