How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

This - you've got rose-tinted spectacles on for the past and for the imagined future. But the here and now reality wasn't so great, was it. It will get better.

Thinking if you OP. Followed your post from the start. You've got this and what an amazing mum and role model you are to your girls. Respect.

Thank you @Time4achange2 . I don't feel like an amazing Mum. I feel like I've failed them. They know too much already. I wish had have been more diplomatic from the start.

But he's not made any effort to see them since beginning March, so that's on him, I suppose.

At that age you can't keep it all from them or it's almost like you're gaslighting them - they can work a lot out for themselves and might want to express thir feelings, which would be hard to do if you were acting like nothing had happened. And they are allowed to see that their mum is upset and angry, and not some kind of fake, saintly figure. But it's hard to get the right balance, and I think most of us suffer from mum guilt at some point!

I think you should tell them the truth - for the reason 80s gives.
Also, my closest friend tried so hard to protect her teens from the unpleasant truth about their father's behaviour. Now he is busy rewriting history and they "don't know what to believe". You sound lovely - unselfish, caring and doing your level best to hold everything together. There is strength in honesty for them and you.

So so sorry you’ve been bowled over with another shocking revelation about this absolute tool. I really hope it didn’t ruin your holiday making memories with your girls.

What’s done is done now, there’s no coming back from this for him and it’s time to move forward for you; so pull on your big girl pants and “woman up”
The gloves are off- Its time to start playing dirty.
You are not a victim and you have been saved from a further 10 years of lies.
Your girls are old enough to make up their own minds up about how they feel and what they want to do …. I’ve a feeling you are going to be a team, a force to be reckoned with and you’ll all come out of the other side stronger than ever.
Get a good solicitor which will make you feel more confident too 💪🏻
This is your time now, take what you are due and get on with your life pronto… it’s too short
Good luck x 💐

OP it will take time, but you will survive and go on to thrive. It is trauma and shock to the system, but I promise you (trite as it sounds) time is a great healer. Make plans, positive plans to give yourself something to focus on apart from the divorce, something that is just for you to do and experience.
Good luck!

Hi OP, I’ve just read your entire post and replies. Im so very sorry for the trauma you’re going through, your husband is an arsehole.

my H left me 9 weeks ago tomorrow and I’m still devastated, I had to get medical help today, for the second time. I was prescribed AD last week and not sure whether they’re having an initial adverse effect (doesn’t help that I’m a divorce lawyer, so no respite in work).

we’ve been together 13 years, married 4, I’ve a 20yr old DD who he considers as his own, and vice Versa. He’s kept in contact with her but it hurts that he’s completely blocked me and won’t speak to me unless he’s being absolutely venomous towards me.

slightly different circumstances to you, H has had MH difficulties and we’ve argued every day since august however he was still assuring me he loved me and wanted to work it out 2 days before he upped and left. He’s at his mums, wants space and to just be alone to recover his MH. The irony is that mines gone down the pan, big time.

like you, I’ve been left with the entire responsibility of looking after the house and supporting DD whilst dealing with my overwhelming grief. I am also a narcissist, bully, controlling, manipulative etc etc. I no longer recognise the man I love and who I allowed into DD life.

reading other posts on here though, what I think is clear is that we will both get thru this. You’re doing brilliantly

Thank you @PotsnPan, @HazelBite and any others that have helped.

I have an update of sorts. I found out who it was. Someone that I have heard of, and met briefly once, a long time ago. She's an ex girlfriend of one of his friends. I think they were still together when the 'affair' started. It has been very on and off over the 10 years, and there was a very long gap with no contact. A few years I think. They are not together anymore. This I know for sure.

I contacted her once, to let her know that I knew, and exactly what I thought of her. A woman who knowingly sees a married man. Who knows and has met his children. He took the vows, I know. But she knew. They're as bad as each other. I didn't say any hurtful things or name call. Just kindly explained that I knew. Then I blocked her. She has been behaving like the one that is hard done by, as he has dumped her as well. The audacity !!

It was her that messaged me and this was done deliberately to be received as we arrived in New York, as revenge to him. Which is such a despicable thing to do. My daughter found that message.

So, there are no winners. Well, maybe me and my girls eventually. We will move and start afresh.

They still don't want to speak to him. I have been in contact with him to say that I won't interfere with any contact, or influence them in any way. But I won't aid it or encourage it. It's up to him. He needs to try harder if he wants a relationship with them.

Oh, and he's sorry. Sorry, because we know. He wasn't sorry when we didn't know, so it's an empty apology to me.

And yet, I miss him. I want my old life back. I want back the 10 years he stole from me with his lies and cheating. But not as much as I did in the beginning.

It's been therapeutic for me to write this, so thank you to anyone who has followed along and managed to get through my ramblings. I hope this helps someone else who finds themselves in a similar position one day.

Finally, there is ALWAYS another woman!

@Tootiredtosleep

I hope you and your girls are doing ok. I had similar happen to me early last year (husband left me and my 2 daughters for OW) and would not be shocked all if I found out he'd been messing around for our entire 18 years together. I don't know how they can do it.

Are you any further forward with your divorce? I want to do what you have and put the divorce in online and then have a solicitor do the financial consent order. My ex refuses to communicate at all so we are unable discuss the finances. I'm not sure how to proceed.

@Twiglett2

Thank you for your message. Sorry to hear you find yourself in a similar situation. It really is the pits.

I'm lucky (if you can call it that!) in that ExDH has agreed to almost everything I have asked. The guilt of what he has done probably.

He's signed the consent order and it's gone back to the solicitor.

If your ex won't communicate, you can still file for divorce, as a single applicant. You can do this online. I done this myself. Then the consent order was drawn up by my solicitor who has been fantastic. I did take a lot of advice from her on what I would be entitled to.

When I filed for the divorce, it gave him so many weeks (months?) to respond. If he didn't, it would have progressed anyway. He just can't ignore it indefinitely.

I've moved over to a thread in divorce/separation called 'support for those struggling with separation'. I'd recommend you have a look and join in. There are lots of us in the same situation, and you'll get loads of advice over there.

Good luck and all the best. xx

@Tootiredtosleep not Always another woman sorry for you pain but can’t paint everyone with the same brush

@Noargumentsnowworse that maybe true but in this case, it WAS another woman.

@PotsnPan what has happened with you since May? My husband, like yours, told me he loved me till the day he left. He mentally moved on while I was still happily married. It was 17 days ago. I can't stop crying, even though I have 2 wonderful children (21 & 18) I just feel my life is not worth living. I don't want to be here.

Hi @Tinyminx, I’m so very sorry to hear you’re going through this hell. Nothing much has changed for me, except he’s now blocked any method of me getting in contact with him, I’ve started divorce proceedings and we’ve solicitors involved. I did read a really good book that has helped, Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark, it made a lot of sense and tries to reassure you that it’s him, and not you, as they are acting very cruelly in the way they’ve discarded us whilst still assuring us of their love

take care of yourself, access all support services that you can, your MH has to be your priority. You and I will get through this, it will take time, but we will get there x