How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

I remember this phase far too well. Please take all the help you can, talk, grieve, reach out and just be kind to yourself.

He is not your friend now - and that is a hard pill to swallow, he does not have your best interests at heart. You must take heed of this. Please speak to a good solicitor soon.

@Tootiredtosleep Im glad you’ve got some help. Don’t lie awake analysing you and what you could have done differently, he’s the one who’s train wrecked everybody’s life. He’s the one who should be lying awake thinking very hard about how he should have done things differently, like appreciate you and your family and behave as a married man should behave and shoulder his share of the responsibilities. He needs to look at how he became this person, not you. You can’t take responsibility for his decisions to brutally abandon his family, that’s his choice, his actions, it’s all on him. You did your best, you were and are enough. His lack of responsibility is not your fault.
The grass will seem greener on the other side of the fence for now, until he discovers it isn’t. Reality has a nasty bite.

Thanks everyone. 15 mins slots is great. I’ll try break it down like that. For the first day I’ve not gone to work. I just can’t face it. I’m engulfed in sadness. The person who should have my back, and who I would turn to, has done this to me. I can’t quite comprehend it.

Anyway, I’ve told him I’m not selling the house. So, he’s off to get legal advice, see where he stands. He’s adamant he’s off on his journey of discovery, away from the narcissistic, controlling wife. Leaving his kids, beloved dog, and a complete mess in his wake. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

You've had a huge shock OP and need time. It could be a few years before you really feel like you've moved on from the hurt but it will gradually get easier and easier over that time. This was a 22 year relationship so it is going to take time and you need to be gentle with yourself and really concentrate on you now, you and your kids. I know what it's like as after 25 years together my husband told me that he'd never loved me and it turned out that our whole relationship had been a sham. There's no devastation like it, but a few years later I feel very differently to those awful days - they're just a faded memory now.

Stop asking him if there's another woman because you can't trust anything he says now - remember that as it means there's no point contacting him at all. He has a cheek to call you a narcissist - that's actually typical narc behaviour - as is just walking away without so much as a backwards glance.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel, none of it is wrong. There will be days that you're okish and others where you completely fall apart. Just keep thinking about putting one foot in front the other and gradually the okish days will get more frequent and the falling apart days become less often. Then one day, even if you feel like it will never happen, you'll wake up and feel differently, you'll start to see a different future. But give yourself lots of time to grieve and then lots of time to work out how you'd like your new future to look. It will be bright though, I'm sure.

Thank you @Choconut sorry to hear you had a similar experience. I wish I could fast forward to such times that this doesn’t hurt so much.

I can’t argue with him about being controlling, as he throws it back at me, to say I’m just controlling him again. So, as much as I want to, I won’t/can’t.

Does anyone know if he can insist we sell the house? Can I stay here until DD is 18? I can’t handle losing my home as well.

I'm not checked myself but I'm sure I've seen people comment on here on several occasions saying a house sale cannot be forced until children are 18.

Thanks @Defenders. I’ve been reading quite a bit and I think this is correct.

I’m going to take it off the market for now. I need to protect our home.

That's good that you have made a decision. I hope you can make some plans for the weekend if you're not working. I found it beneficial to get my thoughts and feelings on paper. I'm not sure if that's been mentioned already.

@Defenders I'll see my sister. She’s a great help as in a distraction, but she hates DH so I am not allowed to talk about him.

Both DDs are working, so it’s just me and the dog.

This is when I miss DH the most. Our quality time. My heart is broken.

Did he put the house on the market already? 😦

His 'journey of discovery' is going to end like they all do, he'll regret it and beg to come home. By then you'll be through your pain and his can start.

So sorry you're going through this

Best posting in legal but courts prefer a clean break these days. You would also need to get legal advice about what he would need to pay. Spousal is rare these days and usually only awarded if one is on a huge salary. Can you afford mortgage yourself? Could you buy him out?

Aside from that, take one day at a time.

Your house is on the market already?

House was on the market already, as we were going to move for other reasons. DH then said just leave it on, and we can still sell and split equity etc.

But I’ve had second thoughts, and taken it off. I’m not ready to move, given the new circumstances.

I’d be careful making financial decisions without discussing with you ex.

You will have to sell OP given your children’s ages and fact he’s living in a truck

so I wouldn’t delay the process longer than necessary

I disagree with @Villssev . Don’t make any financial decisions without discussing with a solicitor. The most important things here are

stability for the children
your own mental and emotional health

Your STBXH is almost certainly living with his affair partner and is just fine. He’s had a year to plan this and work out what he thinks is a plausible story eg you are controlling and he’s been unhappy for years. It’s all a lot of bullshit of course .

So don’t give his welfare a second thought. I know it’s tough but you need to harden your heart.

Get all your paperwork together and get specific legal advice. Take copies / photos / notes of ANY financial info you can find.

Make sure he doesn’t know / can guess the passwords to anything you have online, esp bank , car insurance etc . Change anything you need to.

Do you have any savings held in joint names?
is your joint account just for monthly bills ie not a lot of savings etc ?

You need to sort out utilities for the house into your sole name and advise council tax . I know you said your DD are working so I’m not sure if this is FT or PT while at college etc.

If they are PT working / FT Students then apply for single adult discount for CT.

If your 16 is still at school / college then apply online this weekend for child maintenance. You don’t need to discuss it with your Ex first and it doesn’t costs any extra for them to make an assessment. They will write to him with how much he needs to pay for DD. If you don’t have his address give us as c/o his employer . Do it this weekend as they don’t backdate it.

Car and house insurance vital to check - my ex had the password to these and he cancelled them. Yes, the insurance on my car I was driving his school aged kids around in. He changed the address on the policy to his new one so I didn’t even get the notification letter. I could have been charged by the police 😯😲

The thing is @Villssev on my low salary and given my age I will struggle to buy another house. I may be able to get a small two bedroom. And even then the mortgage would be more than half my salary.

My salary is less as I gave up my career to stay at home with the children whilst they were young.

I need some time to think of my options. Perhaps look for another job.

@ALLIS0N

which she hasn’t either

I organise everything. He would have no clue who the policies were even with, let alone passwords. He really has no clue. I’ve carried him for 22 years.

No I meant consulted a solicitor

He will say to his solicitor

“I’m living in a truck and my ex has just taken the house off the market”

The fact he had an affair will have absolutely no impact on the settlement I am afraid

Even if he was able to force the sale of the house ( making his two children homeless ) it would take him months or even years to get a court to agree to do this. So yes of course you can take it off the market - you have your kids to think about . I assume your ex is not planning to accommodate them.

And yes of course you need some time to work out what to do, get legal advice, work on your career options. It’s not even been a week for you - he’s had a year to plan this.

Hi OP, Hope it's going a bit better today.
I have reached the part of my life that I am extremely grateful he left me. Hard to believe right?
He hasn't changed a bit. He admits now to manipulating me.
It's been 10 years and I've felt happy and grateful for at least 4 of them.
Your time will come. Just keep on swimming as Dora says. Xxx

It really is a rollercoaster!

I’ve blocked contact with him, for now. It affects me so bad. I need a few weeks of no contact.

@yesithinkido thank you. Good to hear you reached a point where you are glad he left.

My parents, closest friends, and siblings all agree that I will recover sooner than I think. That I will be glad he has done this.

Nice bright Saturday morning. Woke up with that awful feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, when I remember he’s gone. But I’m up and cleaning. My sister is calling round later. So, hopefully today won’t be a bad day.