How do I do this? This is the worst pain.

[Tootiredtosleep]

DH walked left the house 2 weeks ago on my birthday to go to work. He text me the next day to say he wanted a break, that we were drifting apart. I’ve not seen him since. Albeit a few texts, that either me or his children have initiated.

He’s obviously met someone else, but still denying it. His lies are transparent.

22 years, and left by text message. 2 children (18 and 16 - still at home).

Things were hard at home. He had a breakdown in the summer (last year). I was putting every effort I could into saving our marriage. Our planned future.

It was pointless, wasn’t it? He’d already checked out. Rewritten history.

All the times I supported him. And there many. Forgotten.

I had been coping well. But the other woman and his lies are catching up with him. I’ve had a total and complete breakdown. I can’t move. I can’t think. I shake all night. I cry all night. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I was physically sick last night, when I woke up covered in sweat, shrouded in sheer terror at the awfulness of this.

How can I find a way through? Please tell me it gets easier. I can’t function at all.

Thank you.

This is the shock part, and it will get easier, I promise. It's like grief, the stages are very similar.

Right now, you need to eat, sleep, talk to people you trust, and get fresh air. A GP can help with the sleep bit if you need help.

A therapist is also invaluable, if you feel you can. A safe space where you can talk openly and they can guide you through this.

My situation was different, because I ended it, as I simply couldn't cope with him anymore, but the pain you are feeling was the same. Overwhelming grief for the life I thought I had, and the future I thought I was going to have.

I imagine it like velcro. The ripping causes pain, but it will be okay.

Hi OP, so sorry you are in this situation.

To answer the question though, we start to feel better once we accept the situation. At the moment you're still asking why because you're in shock. Once you accept you didn't deserve this; sh1t happens, that's when you'll start to deal with it.

So glad you have your doggo, our doggos got the kids & me through the shock or my hubby's death 7 years ago. I still don't have a future planned out, though, mainly cos I'm having to work much more than I was cos we moved house and I now have a big mortgage...!

Thank you @EvlisPersley and @coffeestrongblacknosugar
Im trying. I really am. I walk the dog every day. Not far, but it does help.

I can’t face work, and I need my job more now than I ever have.

Can you get signed off by your GP?
Give yourself some time.

But you do need to get organised. If he's been planning this he's ahead with the finances and don't put it past him to try to screw you over. He is not the man you loved.

You will get through this with your girls. Life will be better.

@Tootiredtosleep Im so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to the pain you feel as my partner of 13.5 years left me for another woman 4 weeks ago. It’s the worst think I’ve ever been through and I’ve been struggling to function enough to take care of our 2 kids.
I rang the gp and was prescribed antidepressants and have referred myself for counselling.
Maybe counselling might be of help to you? Just do what you can to get through each day and reach out to people. Here if you need to chat.

I’m so sorry your husband has turned out to be such a cliche. What a selfish, entitled coward.

I can only agree that right now self care is all, a counsellor may help with the trauma you’re experiencing. I totally agree that the book suggested is excellent, (abandonment to healing) and could really help.

I’m sorry to say there is no quick fix to this. The waves of emotion come and go and you just have to ride that roller coaster. Its widely reported that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and the trauma it causes. Sadly, I’d agree with that time frame. I know that will scare the living daylights out of you (it did me) but I eventually found comfort in knowing that what I was experiencing was normal and it was normal for me not to feel better asap.

I had this little system where I graded the days out of ten and this showed me that even though it was slow, I was getting better. I found it was like the after shocks from an earthquake, the initial shock was huge and then I suffered a series of aftershocks which would always throw me but with time they got manageable.

I can hear how much pain you’re in and I know that you want to hear there’s a quick fix but I promise that you will get better and you will survive this.

You also need to seek legal advice as he’s had time to plan his exit. So that needs to be a priority.

Thinking if you and your children, I hope they’re ok.

Getting out and walking really helps with the physical symptoms of shock and sadness.

It may also help to write down or say to someone, maybe a therapist what your fears are. Once out there your fears may start to dissipate. If you've supported him in the past you know you are a strong capable women so will be able to cope. Believe that you can cope and will be happy again.

He on the other hand is likely to be a very weak man...(people who have affairs are usually emotionally weak as they use someone else i.e the, affair partner to bolster their mood). He currently isn't facing up to what he has done which is why he isn't in contact with his daughters. He needs you to make it right for them and then he will swan back in, hoping they forgive him.

Definitely get yourself signed off from work and read Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and RenewalBook by Vikki Stark

How are the children coping?

I’ve been through the shock and pain and it’s like living in a horrible nightmare but three years on and I’m a different person. You can and will get through this 🌺

Op I’m 6 months on from finding out all the horrible things my H was up too. It’s horrific been together 20 years 2 dcs.
I can’t tell you how far I’ve come, it does get easier. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. See family friends exercise walk your dog. I would also limit contact as much as possible to just email with your H this was the one thing that’s massively helped me.

OP I don't have any experience of this, but what I will say is I do truly believe things will get better for you. I agree with pp, maybe see your GP again, they may be able to give you something extra to help with the physical symptoms. I believe time is the greatest healer. At the moment you are grieving. I have been on MN a number of years, and I have read countless stories of this happening to other women and they are fine in the end. You will be fine. There is a future out there for you. Maybe not the one you originally thought but there is one, and you will be happy again. You've just got to get through this horrible period of time.

OP I'm in a similar boat. I lost my dad a month ago and everything since has gone wrong - huge bust up with my partner on Friday and he's gone.
I'm already struggling to cope with the grief I'm feeling now this. Ive been the same as you shaking, can't eat and I just want to sleep. I have no advice other than take things one day at a time

You will get through this, you are stronger than you know, it is painful, such a big change is hard to deal with, but you have a whole new future to come, with so many possibilities. You are so lucky to have a sister, mine were invaluable in this situation, and we still support each other through life.
There will be times you want your old life back, but gradually you will see a better way to live and be happy.

Thanks everyone. DD2 has ran me a bath, and I’m relaxing before taking her to work.

Then I think I will take the dog out. I’ve blocked him on everything I can, and gave him an email address to contact me should he need to. I’ll check it when I’m ready.

Small steps. I hope she’s worth it.

Sorry to all those who have suffered similar. It really is the hardest thing.

A pp put it very well - you're grieving an imagined perfect future with him, not the one you were actually going to live with him.

He's changed, he's not the man you were originally married to, which doesn't mean that your past life together was lie, but that it's past.

You need to see your GP and a solicitor and you need to contact him to let him know he needs to see his daughters, they need to be a priority for both of you.

Oh my goodness, what a horrendous shock for you and what a coward he is. So selfish to do that on your birthday too.

I don’t know what you’re going through but I imagine the pain is immense. But I want you to know, it’s not forever. I just have this feeling you’re going to rise from this with incredible strength and dignity and be happier than you have ever been before.

So maybe allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you feel it. But a new life has begun for you and that future you had envisioned with him will be replaced by something really magical and you’re going to be stronger from this.

He will likely regret this.

Get some advice, particularly as you mention early retirement.

I’m incredibly sorry OP this happened to you.
I’m also struggling with heartbreak. You are grieving, full stop. You will go through all the stages, and eventually it will get better. i’m not here to say you will be happier and all, if you were quite content and comfortable with your old life, reality will look different. But different isn’t bad necessarily.
you’ll have to sell your home, so what? You’ll get a smaller one, you’ll find joy in a place that it’s yours only, and it will be your safe place.
we are incredibly resilient. You will get through this.

Sunday’s are the worst, and today seems extra long.

Managed to walk the dog for 30 mins. Everyone seems to be so happy. Couples my age, who manage to stay together and do normal things. They’re everywhere and I never noticed before.

Wish I could click my fingers and move forward 2 years. See what my new future looked like.

Be strong for your DDs, they are closely watching you. You are their role model, who will teach them by example how to deal with adversity, pain and come out strong. Always remember, "This too shall pass".

It will feel like the end of the world now, but give it a few months and you start to think so much clearer.. the times you thought you were happy, the sacrifices you made, time wasted.

A year ago I caught my fiancé cheating. I didn't eat or sleep, missed work for a month, lost loads of weight through stress and being sick.. a year on and I'm happier than I ever was while with him! I can see clearly the life I had wasn't what I thought and this is/was my fresh start.. it doesn't feel like it'll get better, always feels like your heart is breaking but honestly. From someone who came out the other-side. It won't hurt forever x

Thank you. Is not speaking to him the best thing? I know we have to sort things out, but it’s too hard. I can’t take any more hurt. And his words hurt. Too much.

I know my marriage is over. And I don’t want it to be. I just want to hear him say it.

Yes.

No contact is exactly what needs to be done. You need to have emotional space.

Yes, don't speak to him and block him on social media. I find text and emails best as you can mute and check when you are ready. Gives to time to respond.

It’s so difficult. I want to rant and rave at him. I want him to hurt. I want him to regret it.

But I won’t. I’ll maintain a dignified silence.

I agree with taking it one hour, then building up to one day at a time. The GP may be able to increase your antidepressants just to help you through this. Try and eat as well as you can, reward yourself with little treats and rest as much as you can too. Your partner is a coward, you sound like you deserve so much better.