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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

186 replies

mummybrains · 12/02/2008 11:20

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 12/02/2008 11:24

I've no advice but this reads appauling!

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 11:31

walk away.

Give up the village club and the music group and find some interests that don't include him.

By saying that he doesn't wan an affair he has given you the message that he doesn't see you as anything more than just a quick shag.

You mean nothing to him. But if your dp finds out you will have destroyed your family and for what? for a shag with a man who has as good as told you that you're just a shag as he won't leave his wife.

Get a bit of self respect.

Lulumama · 12/02/2008 11:32

you you were sucked in, even though he tells you it is not an affair, you are both cheating on your partners, he is a serial cheat, it would seem

the hardest but best solution, imo, would be to stop all contact NOW, change your mobile number if necessary and try to move on before it gets any worse than it already is

auntyspan · 12/02/2008 11:32

OK - i think you need to see this as getting something out of your system. You realise you have done something wrong, for whatever reason, and you now have the power to stop it from going any further.

I know how it feels to have the attention of someone other than your DP - but please don't let this go any further. The chap sounds like he's quite practised at this - hes done it before after all. You say you don't want this man as a partner, so concentrate on this fact.

You MUST put it behind you and move on with your life. You must allow yourself to 'grieve' for the relationship but STOP IT NOW.

HappyWoman · 12/02/2008 11:36

It wont just be your head you lose.
You must have some self respect - and if you dont then dont expect anyone else too either. This man obviously dosent, his wife wont and sorry to say in these situations all their frieds will not either. You will be seen as the trollop who 'egged' him on. Whether that is the case on not.

You have already said you dont think much of him as a partner - so why even do what you did?

Whether we like it or not some men will just have sex with anyone - why else are there still prostitutes? If you want him to treat you like one without the benifit of being paid then carry on. If not then however hard it is remember what a low life he is and stay away - far away.

frisbyrat · 12/02/2008 11:38

How on earth did your baby let you not feed him/her all day?!

But I second WannaBe, harsh though it sounds.

HappyWoman · 12/02/2008 11:38

Sorry that did read a bit harsh - i can understand how these things happen but you must make sure it never happens again and that is totally in your power.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 11:38

he doesn't sound very nice

it is damaging to you

just don't see him again

you will think aboiut him for a bit but get on and do things and try and make things better and more rewarding with your dp

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 11:49

the other thing to try and realise for yourself is that while you are thinking about him obsessively and finding it hard to concentrate on anything else

he sure as fuck will not be thinking about you at all

men are much more able to switch off and compartmentalise and he just won't be daydreaming about you

collision · 12/02/2008 11:52

and if you knew your DP had had a fling with a woman and forgotten to feed your baby all day, how would YOU feel?

He is using you for his own ends. He will never leave his wife. If she finds out he will lose her but not necessarily want you.

You were a cheap thrill and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Walk away now before anyone gets hurt.

NOW! and leave the music group and work on your relationship with your poor DP who is probably working hard to support you.

normabutty · 12/02/2008 12:01

I'm probably going to get it in the neck for posting but I couldn't read your OP and not post.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been where you are. I know that no matter how many people tell you this guy isn't good for you and you don't need him you aren't going to stop until you hit the bottom.

I know you feel like 'just a mummy' and that this guy makes you feel normal again but it's not going to help you. One day it will all come to a head (in whatever way) and you will find yourself back at square one.

You can get through it on your own. There are plenty of other ways to not feel like 'just a mum'. Join all the baby groups you can, start an evening class, find a new hobby. I know it can feel like thinking about this guy is the only way of getting through your day but it's not, it's really really not. You can find other ways and they'll make you feel so much better than this guy ever can.

If you want to talk off board email me hazel dover 81 @ hotmail . com (without the spaces).

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:08

You forgot to feed your baby ALL DAY?? Didn't he/she cry???!!!! Where were you??! I can't even get into offering any advice' I can't get past that! And besides, you don't sound as if you remotely care about any potential trauma for your poor DP and his poor wife, only your own.

And Norma, I take it you WANT to "get it in the neck for posting", or presumably, you'd have changed your name . And why are you posting you email address for the world to see???!

[backs off thread fast]

normabutty · 12/02/2008 12:10

What would be the point in me namechanging, everyone would know it was me. I put my email address there for the OP. I wanted her to know she could talk to someone who has been where she is and got through it.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:12

How would anyone know it was you if you name changed?????!

normabutty · 12/02/2008 12:13

because people already know my email address

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:15

????! Then don't put it on your posts then!

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 12:16

eh are you mad norma

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 12:17

if you posted with another name no one would know you from fuck

and i for sure didn't know your email and neither did any bpassing internet lurker spybot etc

mellowma · 12/02/2008 12:18

Message withdrawn

normabutty · 12/02/2008 12:19

I put my email address on for the benefit of the OP.

As for who knows it...well all the April 2007 girls, M2PW, Lulu, VS, VVVQV,Flame, Yorkie, I'm barry scott,...need I go on.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:20

If there is a trophy for attention seeking, I think it needs dusting off and handing over....

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 12:21

it is a fact that you will forget him once you push yourself hard enough in that direction..it might take a bit of time but that is life

the only way is toi stop being self indulgent and wallowing in it and distract yourself

go away for the weekend and change hobbies

and don't find ways to bump into him

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jodyray · 12/02/2008 12:22

Sorry to sound harsh but I am genuinely shocked... YOU FORGOT TO FEED YOUR BABY!!!! GET A GRIP!!!! You have been well and truly used...to be blunt you were just an empty for him. And his pathetic statement that he cant handle the deceit what a crock of shit!!!! Of course it was fantastic and he may well do it again cos you are making yourself a GUARANTEE that he can use you for a lay whenever he chooses. Get some self respect and get shut of theis player and stop acting so desperate. You have a child to think about and yeah we all need affection but this is ridiculous. You have already admitted that he is a flirt, you are probably in a long line of many he has on a string.

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