So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

[mummybrains]

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

Start an evening class
wasn't that what the problem was in the first place???

Honestly, you need to sort your head and and work out why your self-esteem was so low and your marriage and baby so far from the front of your mind that you could succumb to flattery from the village lothario so easily

Now you have me in tears. Of gratitude.
I don't want anyone to condone my actions - just to help me see how I can turn things around and some of your comments are really helpful. Thank you. I feel so relieved that I have been able to find a place to speak freely about something that shamed me so much. I cannot tell HVs about the causes of my state of mind - I have only said 'personal problems'. I know no-one who has been through anything like this with whom I felt I could share anything of this.

Oh bugger off Jazzi.

I am disgusted at some of reponses to the OP in this thread. There but for the grace of God go I and all that. It's nice to see peole are so perfect, and have never done anhthing worng in thier lioves, and have never had to cope with crippling PND.

Mummybrains, You def sound like you need help. I will reiterate whet FIo said - Ring your doc NOW get an appoitment and get sorted.

I had PND after having DS1, and got v close to another man. It didn;t go "all the way" but it could have done if I hadn't woken up to myself.

MB, you have done something worng. But they best way to redeedm yourself is to channel all the headspace you have been keeping for this utter shit of a man, and use it for something positive. This weekend, go out with your DP and your little one - go to the park together, go for a walk - anything. Keep busy, and forget this other bloke. He sounds like a royla Knobjockey anyway.

Don;t let sone judgemental posters stop you from posting here. You need an outlet for your feelings - don't let the outlet be knobjockey.

As someone else said, PND is the root of all evil - you owe it to yourself and your fdamily to get it sorted.

Keep your pecker up chick xxxxxxxxx

that is the problem with having an affair..it makes you isolated which exacerbates your problems

and if it is with a guy who is a complete no mark all the worse

if you don't speak honestly with anyone in rl you need to be at least honest with yourself and work out how much pnd might be affecting you

Shiny - why the anger at me? I have not admitted an affair. I just think bashing the op is not that helpful thats all!!!!!

Yes, my self esteem is low. I have suffered from BDD and been treated for that. This is all part of it I guess, why I fell for the 'village lothario' I mean.
He really is scum.
This weekend, on the evening after we first had sex, we were sat in a restaurant with about 20 others at the table and he flirted so outrageously with the woman next to him - he even mimed biting her breasts!! With me sat just a few seats off. (Just as he once did to me all those months ago). The came back to my bed an hour later.
That says it all about him to me.
To carry on any further with him robs me of all digity as a woman.

Please ring your doctor and the health visitor now mummybrains, don't try and deal with this on your own
You barely mention your partner - is he supportive? Do you live together?

i agree you need some help...it's very hard to confide in real life

and it's certainly hard to talk to gps and health visitors

you have to try and judge what might help you

are you taking any medication? have you had a pnd diagnosis..have you been given any advice in real life?

I was breastfeeding to start with - so I was only offered cyclogest (sp?). I should probably go back on seroxat or whatever but I haven't wanted to admit there's much wrong. My HV is not very good at spotting the signs - and even said I was too good at hiding things.

In answer to the other question - my partner lives with me and is very supportive. Just makes me feel even more of a bitch really.

Oh god, MB. Whjat a cock!

You need to CUT ALL TIES WITH THIS MAN NOW

I mean it

no phone calls, emails, meetings anything.

Find a nbew hobby away from this music club

What is your realtionship with your DP like? (Obv aside from all of this)

RING THE GP NOW

"To carry on any further with him robs me of all digity as a woman."

Hold that thought

Relationship with DP is pretty good - he works very hard, he loves our son - and we finally started having sex again (after a break of about 19 months - during pregnancy and until last November - I wonder why it started again then ).

well calling yourself a bitch doesn't help

it is remarkably easy to hide your depression from people but it makes you vulnerable and puts pressure on you...it will come out some way por other as you have fopund

we all need warmth from other people

turn to your dp

and talk to your gp

there are also other things you can do

diet is one and routine try and plot a way forward and tell your dp not that you have had this affair cos you aren't revisiting that again

but could you do something together..it's trite but getting away togehter and doing something different can help..it doesn't cure depression but it can create a space between where you were and where you are going to aim for and go next

OK, set aside one night this week for you and your DP. If you can get a babysitter great, but if not just cook a nice meal (order a takeaway if tyou must) and spend a bit of time together. Don;t feel it has to culminate in sex, just talk and hug, get a bottle of wine, get a bit squiffy and have a laugh together. Remind yourself how good your relationship is - and why you don;t need anything from knobscum

You poor thing. I can only repeat what other posters have said about being kind to yourself and seeking medical help for your depression. Because it is your depression that is the big problem here: unfortunately it meant that you were a fairly easy victim for a particularly nasty man (the type who can detect vulnerable unhappy women and like to target them in order to feed their own egos).
Please ignore the ignorant people who think that because your depressive symptoms are not identical to theirs, that you are not depressed: mental health problems do not follow the same precise pattern in everyone who suffers them. But for the sake of your baby and yourself, get help for the depression and cut off all contact with this unpleasant other man.

Lovely post Madamez.

Nicely put Madamez, MB, do everything that she said!!

mummybrains, some harsh words here but, this is another womans dh. could be one of ours (shudder to think) i wasnt myself for a while after my dd was born, felt very low and lost.

as for your little friend hes a knob, just lookin for a new hobby, dont let him use you!

who the fu@k is norma, and wot did she do to get the wrath of mn?

Sounds like the OP is VERY depressed to forget feeding her baby. I hope she goes to her GP for help and advice.

Good advice from Mademez I thought.

Have done some serious thinking this afternoon. (And made an appointment - and fed my ds).

I know I have behaved badly. We both have. Allowing myself to fall for him was utterly stupid. It was a fantasy. He IS a knob. His behaviour on the Saturday made me feel sick. He is a serial flirter and definitely not to be trusted. Not qualities I want in a partner. He's got what he wanted from me (and vice versa to some extent I suppose).

I have 3 weeks before I even have to see him again. (That's assuming I don't leave the choir). I think he'll be in touch to see how I am - purely for damage limitation I expect - I'm sure he can see the makings of a potential bunny boiler in me. That time apart may give me the time to draw strength from all your wise words (harsh and otherwise). I have been making positive affirmations:

Every day I'm growing stronger.
I am an attractive and desirable woman.
I am talented, creative and funny.
I have a beautiful son.
I have a loving partner.
I have a good life.
Every day I'm growing stronger.

It's going to take time I know - I have fallen for him very hard. If anyone reading this is contemplating doing something similar and looking for the answers - please think very carefully before doing so, and keep your dignity intact and your knickers firmly on.

Are you kidding? YOU FORGOT TO FEED YOUR BABY. Forget the bloke - you're been taken for ride - DO NOT FORGET TO FEED YOUR BABY.