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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

186 replies

mummybrains · 12/02/2008 11:20

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

OP posts:
AandK · 12/02/2008 13:06

She never mentioned it till will all got angry with neglect. Its a sympathy card!!!

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:07

what i am actually saying is self preservation means you have to push him out of your thinking and doing something else is the best way

i am only talking about you

i am guessing you are prone to melodrama eityher experiencing it or responding to life a bit like that ...

you may have more issues you need help with..the trouble with telling people your true feelings is that they often don't like them and will be nasty to you

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 13:09

and it's exactly the same card that norma played isn't it? to justify the fact she started an online relationship with someone and then felt agrieved that he didn't want anything serious either and then she went off and told his wife.

feel a serious sense of deja vu .

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:09

Her OP did not mention PND, and it only mentioned not feeding her baby for all that time, in a casual way. Check back. The OP was about her affair with a married man and her own feelings. I would imagine that is why the later references to PND might have raised questions.

Stop swearing Norma, you clearly love it here.

mellowma · 12/02/2008 13:09

Message withdrawn

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 12/02/2008 13:10

mummybrains - I'm sure you know that you will never be happy seeing this man in this way. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to break off but if you do you will forget him in time.

What about your dp - do you still love him? I would figure that out too.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:10

Yes. Deja vous

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:10

I don't want or deserve anybody's sympathy. I just thought that this would give me a kick up the arse. And it has. Obviously if I was thinking straight I would not have mentioned about the feeding here. I will call the health visitors today.

OP posts:
normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:12

I'm sorry for trying to help someone who is in a situation I was in not so long ago. I thought perhaps I could help someone.

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:13

Oh God Norma you don't have to keep reiterating.. We know what you did. We remember. "Well done".

HappyWoman · 12/02/2008 13:13

If you do want to talk then that ok - we do not need to be judgemental but there are many who think we should prehaps be. Too many times we all turn a blind eye as these things happen.

I am not here to pass judgement but if you really do feel remose then you must understand that you are the only one who can stop what you are doing. Accept that you have made a massive cock up with this man and the way you are handling it but today is the day that it all stops - however hard you think it may be it will not be as bad if you do not.

We are here to support you if you need to - you know you can be a good mother and a good partner now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go a prove it to yourself and us.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:14

it's always tempting to be self indulgent where men are concerned, but yes you do need to snap out of it and get busy and force yourself to do all those mundane things and the somewhat less mundane ones like looking aftwer yoiur toddler

by doing those things as well as you can you can get over this fling

and look at your life and see what needs mending

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman · 12/02/2008 13:15

Its should be ok to mention it here - we are here for support not to judge.
I hope you have got something that you need from this anyway.

electra · 12/02/2008 13:15

I would not tell your dp - but I would be questioning whether I was still happy with him for this to have occured...

AandK · 12/02/2008 13:16

I don't think she should tell her husband.
Yeah she's been a naive dick but don't destroy everything.
Her relationship or anybody elses.
Its up to the scums wife to figure it out for herself what a prick her husband is.
She start today as a new.
Delete all contact with scum ie mobile numbers email etc and find a new hobby so she doesn't have bump into him.
Or maybe just concentrate on DS for a while!!
Chances are scum will find a new music club to go to as he has now used his old one to the best he could, he'll want to find fresh meat elsewhere!

normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:17

I took some time off and sorted my head out. Then I came back with a new name. I couldn't read the OP and not try to help. I never said what I did was right and I never said it was excusable, I said that I did it because I was so low, I did it because I thought it was the only way of getting through the day. I know now that it's not and I wanted to help someone else who is struggling in the way that I was.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:17

Why did you put in the htread title that you were so "guilty and confused over fling when you didn't feed the baby all day? Aren't you more guilty over that? Doesn't add up.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:17

i wouldn't tell dp either

i would force myself to do stuff

and meanwhile think abiut my relationship and future

if you do have pnd or any depression then that is hard to deal with

exercise is good

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:17

I would not tell your DP either - what good will that do? You realise you have made a terrible mistake. Get some help for your PND, talk to your DP about your feelings and try and move on. Everyone makes mistakes - some bigger than others but I am sure you can move on from this - with help.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:18

NormaButty is not your new name so why use it on this thread?????

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 13:18

so you came back with a new name and then brought back your old one just to post on this thread? .

wineisthewaytomyheart · 12/02/2008 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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