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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

186 replies

mummybrains · 12/02/2008 11:20

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

OP posts:
mellowma · 12/02/2008 12:48

Message withdrawn

Baffy · 12/02/2008 12:49

You forgot to feed your baby for 13 hours because you're obsessing over an affair you're having with a married man.

What sort of support/advice do you really expect off here?!

Affairs happen. End it with your dp and ask this man to leave his wife for you. Or walk away. End of.

But forgetting to feed your baby for 13 hours!!!!!!!

AandK · 12/02/2008 12:49

exactly wannabe. I don't think she got the fact how much of an easy lay she was to him!!
YOU WAS A MUG MUMMYNOBRAINS
The even bigger mug is the scum bags wife but I am sure we have all been slightly naive to scum in the past, forgiving them for the sake of the kids etc.
Its time you grew up no brains.

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 12:50

sorry mm.

but tis horrible and if it was someone I knew I would report to social services.

the op has admitted to not feeding her baby for 13 hours.

how many times has she not fed her baby that she hasn't admitted to.

given the baby "slept a lot" it sounds as if this is something he is perhaps used to?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:51

Report it then Mellow. If it's true, it needs reporting. If it's not, the poster needs dealing with anyway. Faking neglect of a child on a public forum is an issue in itself.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 12:52

Or he slept a lot because he's ill/malnourished.

karen999 · 12/02/2008 12:53

I would like to think that her DP would notice if lo was ill/malnourished

AandK · 12/02/2008 12:55

It sounds like her DP hasn't noticed a lot l8ly!!

Jodyray · 12/02/2008 12:57

did you forget to feed yourself too is that why you lost weight??

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 12:58

have reported.

mellowma · 12/02/2008 12:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 12:58

I have been in contact with health visitors for post natal depression, they will confirm my child is not malnourished. I had one particularly low day yesterday and fucked up badly. I am not 'casual' about that.

I am sorry to have provoked so much anger here - I had nobody I knew who I could talk to about this as I was so ashamed. It ends here.

OP posts:
AandK · 12/02/2008 13:01

There are actually women suffering from post natal depression on here and for you to use that as an excuse to neglect your child and basically be an empty for someone is disgusting!!!

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:01

It doesn't end here if someone decides to get it looked into. If you have PND that badly, you need more support than you're getting. For your baby's sake. You can't leave a child that age that long without feeding. You need to take steps yourself to ensure it doesn't happen again.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:02

on what you posted you possibly want to talk about it rather than ask for advice because the advice is the only thing you can do is move on

wanting to talk about it is a bit different and mostly people interpret wanting to talk about it as attention seeking

if you block him from your life then time will take care of you making atotal arse of yourself by getting stupidly lovesick

electra · 12/02/2008 13:02

FFS some of you sound awfully judgemental with your talk of social services - life must be good up there.

Jodyray · 12/02/2008 13:03

Is it really PND or are you just telling DP that so he is not suspicious?? See the original post made no mention of it but now you are rightly getting some grief for neglect you try the sympathy card...

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 13:03

I still think this might be norma. She too blamed her fling on pnd I seem to recall.

Op if you have pnd then clearly you need help, and just getting advice from hv is simply not enough because if you can leave your baby to go hungry for 13 hours then you are not currently in a position to care for him properly.

maybe you could ring social services yourself, before someone does it on your behalf.

Most of us have cocked up in some way or another wrt our children, not fitting the car seat properly/turning our back for a moment and baby has rolled on to floor/given milk in an unsterilized bottle... the list is endless. but not feeding a child all day is neglect, pure and simple.

normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:03

If you want someone to talk to my email address is below. I know what you're going through and I also know you can get through it.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:03

Up where? In the place where we feed our children, however stressed out we might be?

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:04

AandK - how do you know if the OP has PND or not? There are women here who genuinely suffer from PND.....the OP may be one of them.

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:05

It's not an excuse for my behaviour. I have no excuses - I am just so sorry to have been such a disgusting person.

I do not deserve my son and partner.

OP posts:
normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:06

I cannot believe anyone is questioning whether or not she has pnd, perhaps we should all send our medical records to all you fucking perfect people.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:06

Just stop the affair and get yourself to the HV and tell her you are struggling.

mellowma · 12/02/2008 13:06

Message withdrawn

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